Mistakes
~Caroline~
“Good morning, Mrs. Thompson” I giggle at my greeting to Kenna as I stand by her office doorway.
I don’t think she will ever get tired of hearing her last name, even though she has been married to Jake for a while now. After she shared a bit of their history with me, I can understand why she smiles at the title. Their path to the altar was definitely the least taken.
“You okay?” she questions me in genuine concern.
Kenna isn’t someone I would consider a close friend, but we do spend lunches together when we can.
“Dandy,” I reply, plastering on my best smile.
“I don’t believe you.”
We don’t get to discuss it further as I feel the air shift around us before I find him behind me.
Chad.
Someone shoot me now please.
Fighting an internal battle, I keep my smile firmly in place as I feel his hand comes to rest on the small of my back. My skin crawls as he settles in behind me as if this is second nature.
My pulse quickens, my chest tightens, and everything seems to move in slow motion. The ticking of the clock on the wall can be heard even as Kenna silences in his presence. Her body language stiffens as she eyes Chad for the predator he is.
Kenna is one of the nicest people I know, so what does she know? Why is she having such a strong reaction to him?
His hand pushes on my back as he slides it to my side to pull me out of her doorframe and against him. Bile rises up in my stomach, making me want nothing more than to puke.
“Good morning, ladies. Miss Milton, we have a meeting in ten minutes. I need to review the portfolio with you.”
I can only nod my head and push off the frame, moving away from him. However, his grip tightens, pulling me into his side as he guides me down the hall.
Kenna doesn’t bother to say bye, nor do I. Allowing my mouth to remain closed is the only thing keeping me from throwing up on my designer pumps.
Even knowing I don’t have a hair out of place, I reach up, causing my elbow to jab at him, and smooth back my contained trusses. Business professional, I exude it each and every day.
My current ensemble is a below the knee length, charcoal gray pencil skirt, topped with a fitted black shirt that is buttoned all the way to the top, adding to the restriction on my now tight neck. I am covered in a matching gray blazer, and the only splash of color is a red rose accessory pinned to the collar of my uptight shirt. I have on solid black, nothing fancy or enticing about them, pantyhose ending with my fabric, charcoal gray heels. My hair is pinned back in a sleek and modern French twist, keeping everything about me and my appearance contained.
When I first started, I needed to feel confident. I needed to feel sexy. I would wear suits much the same, but my top would have two buttons undone for my comfort. My skirts would sometimes fall right above the knee, making driving my little five speed Mazda Miata easier. My heels always were high and with a pop of color to accent my outfit and give attention to my legs. My legs used to be covered in thigh highs, hooked with garter straps, and never just plain. There was always a design of some sort to draw attention to my well-toned legs.
Now, I won’t risk it, no matter the cost of my comfort. Call it lessons learned. Clothing can draw unwanted attention, and confidence will waiver under that, regardless. Consider mine now shot. Mental pep talks get me through each day, each hour, hell, each minute sometimes.
I can’t place all of the blame on him. In the beginning, I did get a thrill when Chad would lick his lips with the hunger of a predator. What girl wouldn’t? He is attractive. Dusty blonde hair, short and spiked to perfection. Always dressed in a suit and tie that brings a pop of color; he is pretty boy personified. I knew it would never happen, but it does boost one’s confidence.
The first brushes of innocent touches were like electricity zinging through me. I have the job I have dreamed about. My supervisor was teaching me and really molding me into a successful business woman. He really has taught me a lot; I can’t deny that, as much as I would like to. My supervisor was also praising my work then add to it that his attractive presence made coming to work fun, exciting, and exhilarating. I am not in a place to be in a relationship or to have an office romance, but to have someone show you attraction is a boost.
Because I got myself in this situation, I am determined to push myself through it and come out on the other side stronger for it.
Day in and day out, I will continue to do my job to the best of my ability. However, each touch, each accolade, and each moment of praise now causes my anxiety to raise my blood to boil, and my body to want to lurch with dry heaves. It will pass as it always does, though. I will still be standing strong through this. He will not cause me to walk away.
If only he would move on, find someone else to focus his attention on so we can just be professional. I am good at my job, and Chad is, as well. I could learn a lot from him, but he needs to understand boundaries. Clearly, he hasn’t learned those yet, as his hand is rubbing up and down my back as we enter his office.
With another day to get through, it’s survival of the fittest, as they say.
I blow out the breath I was holding and ready myself to face the next eight to ten hours with him.
~Rex~
“Drexel, you okay, son?” my mom asks as I enter her house.
I haven’t even gone home to change since I checked in with Tripp to let him know I have returned from the week long transport. There was this pull in me during my entire transport to come home and talk to my mom.
Damn, guilt eats at me more. She worries about me, about both Tripp and me and what we do. She doesn’t know everything, but she has her ideas. I am not about to clear any of that up, though. She can live in her assumptions for all I care. They are probably easier than the truth of what I have done and will most likely be called to do again.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be okay?” I question, knowing I never come here unless she requests my presence.
It’s not that my mom and I aren’t close, but well, we aren’t close. She has always been there for me and Tripp, but I don’t know; we just aren’t close. I think I have always been too much for her to handle. Add Tripp to the mix, and it is definitely double trouble. We take care of her out of obligation, sort of. My mom has been there, whereas Tripp’s mom bailed.
“Come on, son. What’s going on? I don’t have the patience for bullshit, and you’ve never been one to give it to me.”
That is my mom, blunt as ever.
“I fucked up.”
As she laughs at me, I can’t help looking at her in shock.
“What the hell? I’m trying to be serious for once in my damn life and you laugh at me?”
I turn to leave when she reaches out and grabs my arm.
“Drexel, wait!” I look over my shoulder at her. “I never thought you would come to me over a girl.”
“It’s not over a girl, Mom.” I sigh and turn back to her. “Well, not exactly. It’s about my life.”
“Drexel, it’s always about a woman. It’s the way of the world, the dance of the heart. The whole women are from Venus, men are from Mars.” She smiles softly at me as her eyes dance in amusement. “Okay, I’ll stop all the sappy shit. I’ll just say nothing brings a man home to his momma faster than a woman.”
Time has been good to my mom. Her long, blonde hair falls in soft waves down her back. Her complexion doesn’t show the hands of time. Where Tripp’s mom looks weathered and leathered, my mom’s skin glows in radiance. The only lines on her face are those of laughter, making her features exude a different sort of calm and peaceful joy at all times.
She has always been the quiet safety I can turn to. I have never known a time when my mom let life kick her and keep her down. It hasn’t been easy, but she has never let me see her struggle.
Much like Tessie, she has always been a giver. She has given me her time, attention, love, and anything else I would have ever needed, even if it meant she had to go without.
After Pops died, Mom struggled. His money, no matter that his retirement wasn’t much, was gone, yet she still had to provide for Tripp and me. We didn’t have the best of everything, but we had food, clothing, and shelter. Honestly, looking back, I didn’t even realize just how hard she had to work: the long hours, the back breaking second jobs cleaning houses on weekends after work, weeks as a waitresses and daycare teacher. Yes, there were times she worked three jobs to keep things afloat, but not one time did she ever complain, and her burden never carried over to Tripp or me. Of course, we were just punk ass teens, not paying attention to everything she was sacrificing for us.
Thinking on it, I reach out and pull her to me for a hug, my large frame engulfing her as she hugs me back. Pulling away, I follow her to the kitchen table.
Her house is done in shades of turquoise with beach items, reminding her of the few times we vacationed at the coast. It is almost as uplifting as being on the beach, almost.
She gestures for me to sit while she grabs two mugs and pours coffee for us both.
“Talk to me, Drexel. What brings you home?”
“It’s not just a woman. Well, not just any woman, Mom.”
“Go on,” she encourages, as she takes the seat across from me.
I find myself nervously running my thumb on the edge of the warm cup. How do I say all this?
“It’s the mother of my child … my son.”
She gasps, her surprise evident as her eyes widen. Yeah, that is about how I feel, too. Well, maybe like I have been punched in the gut so hard the air was pushed out of my lungs. For me, that is how all this feels: like I can’t breathe.
“You have a son? I … I … I have a grandson?” Her words come out in a whispered stammer as she takes in the bomb I just dropped on her.
“Yes, I do. And yes, you do. His name is Axel Devon Crews.”
She brings her hand to cover her trembling lips as the tears pool in her eyes, emotions dancing in her eyes. I can’t read them. Is she happy? Is she hurt? Is she mad? I may be thirty-three years old, but even grown, I don’t want my mom upset with me. Hell, I hate myself enough for all of us right now.
“Were you there for the birth? Is he healthy? You gave him your name, our last name?”
“No, I wasn’t there for his birth.” I hang my head in shame. “Mom, I missed it all. His birth, his first breath, his first cry, his first word, his first tooth, his first steps. Hell, I missed his first fuckin’ day of school.”
Anger flashes in her features before she contains it and watches me as I continue to run my thumb over the coffee mug.
“Did you know about him?” I don’t answer. “Drexel Devon Crews, I raised you better than this. How could you do that to his mother?”
“Mom, stop.” I look up at her.
“Stop! After everything you and Tripp have seen me go through for you boys, you left some girl to do it on her own when you can easily step in and ease the burden? I’m not sayin’ marry her, but damn, son. You were man enough to get hard, man enough to have sex with her, so be man enough to deal with the consequences with her.” She looks me straight in the eyes, not backing down.
“No, Mom, I didn’t know about him. Well, I did, but I didn’t know he is mine. It’s such a mess.” I drop my head as I let the disappointment of my mistakes weigh further on my soul.
“Talk to me. Tell me how you knew but didn’t know.”
“Tessie is this incredible woman, Mom. Strong like you. Gorgeous. Hell, she’s fuckin’ beautiful in this natural way. She’s got this grace and untouched way she carries herself. Mom, she’s rock solid.” I run my hands through my hair and pull harshly. “I’ve never met anyone as strong as her. Been knowin’ her for a long time, Mom. Nothing holds her back … well, nothing but me.”
I stand up and pace the small space, and as I pass her, my mom reaches out and tugs my arm to stop me.
“What did you do?”
I bark out a sarcastic laugh. “It’s not what I did. It’s everything I didn’t do.”
“Sit down and explain.”
“Mom, I don’t even know where to start. We don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the ways I fucked Tessie over.”
“You start at the beginning,” she says in a manner that leaves me waiting for her to add ‘duh’ to the end of her statement.
I sigh in defeat, disappointment, and regret. “Fuck.” I run my hands through my long hair again. “If I go all the way back, it never should’ve started. None of it should’ve started. She wasn’t even legal.”
“My God, you didn’t,” my mother gasps, not understanding and not knowing my history with Tessie.
“No, no, no. I didn’t fuck her back then. See, I can’t even talk about her and get it right.”
“Slow down, Drexel. Just one thing at a time.”
When I stare at her, seeing the concern in her eyes, I calm myself so she won’t worry.
My mother may not have always made the best choices, but her love for me and Tripp runs deep, and it truly is unconditional. She has always given us the easy love and acceptance of a parent, something I have to figure out how to give my son. There it goes again. Everything goes back to him now. This is my new reality.
“I met Tessie at a gas station when she was a high school senior, her tassel dangling from the rear view mirror of her busted car. She was cute. And she was hot in this innocent way that I knew I could dirty up a bit and enjoy every second of.”
“Drexel, I love you, son, and I really want to be supportive and listen to you work through this whole Tessie and having kid, but can we do it without giving me images of you having sex? I caught you enough times as a teen for it to be burned in my memories for a lifetime.”
I laugh a little, thinking about her trying to remain sheltered to my bedroom activities.
“Okay, okay. I didn’t have sex with her that day, though. I just flirted with her, but Mom, Catawba isn’t a big city. I kept runnin’ into her, and I guess I have what some might call charisma. Anyhow, we eventually hooked up. Then I don’t know… Something about her made me keep going back. Honestly, she’s like one of three women I’ve ever slept with more than once.”
“T-M-I, Drexel. I know you aren’t a virgin and you’re far from a damn saint, but seriously, son, I don’t want to know about the sexcapades.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not something I’ve cared to hide. Tessie knew how I was … how I am … Fuck, I’m a mess.” Frustration at myself builds inside me for how I have lived my life.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, son.”
“Mom, she didn’t tell me about my son, because she didn’t want to disrupt my life. She didn’t think I was ready to be a dad, and rather than burden me, she took it all on. She gave up college, her dreams gone all to come home and raise our son on her own. And they struggled. Seriously, she worked at a bar while I continued to fuck her and every other piece of pussy I could while she sometimes couldn’t pay her bills, their bills. Mom, she’s still drivin’ the same piece of shit car she was driving years ago when I met her because she can’t afford something better.”
“So, she’s done good by your boy. Maybe not by you, but by the kid, she’s done the best she could.”
“Thing is, Mom, she’s right. Not telling me? Yeah, that pisses me the hell off, but I wouldn’t have done anything more for her, or the kid, than give them money. He’s six. My boy, he’s six, in school, and does well.” I stand up again, as my chest tightens painfully, while I think of being a parent. “He looks just like me when I was his age.” I pace the room yet again.
“Now you know about him, so what are you gonna do? In life, sometimes the path isn’t cleared in front of us, the road isn’t paved yet. You have a choice now, though. Are you going to stay on the road you’ve been on, or are you going to make your way through the unknown?”
“How can I stay away now that I know? But I’m no good for her, and I’m really not good for him.”
She reaches out and stops my movements. “Does she want to be with you?”
“Oh, that’s where I really fucked up. See, once she did. She’s actually been waiting all this time for me to get my shit together. Only, I didn’t. Now, it’s too late.”
“If you want her, you care about her, if you love her, it’s not too late.” My mom tries to give me hope, only that is not what I want.
“I care about her, but I don’t want to be with her … not anymore. I’m not sure what I wanted in the past.” Stepping away from her, I grip the chair as I feel my chest tighten more. I am unable to articulate what it is I truly want from Tessie … for Tessie. “She’s different, I’ve never denied that, but I’m not in a place to be stable for her.”
“So, get in a place to be stable for both of them.”
“That ship has sailed, Mom. You make this sound so simple, but the thing is, she has someone else now. And he’s good to her and to Axel. I handled it all wrong, though.”
“What did you do?” Something in her tone pulls at me to let it all out.
“First, her car breaks down, so she calls Doll, and Tripp calls me.” My mom is nodding her head that she follows me. “Yeah, I was balls deep in a barfly. So, while I continued pounding away, I called my Hellions’ brother, Shooter, to go help Tessie. Talk about passing on my responsibilities.”
“Shooter? Is he the one she’s with now?”
I nod as I continue. “He steps in, fixes her car, and even lets her borrow his to drive something safe while he completely overhauls the piece she had been driving, all out of kindness … Who does that? Shooter, that’s who. She wasn’t fuckin’ him. I knew it. Hell, I tried to hook up with her one night. Only, Tessie had decided fuckin’ me wasn’t good for either of us, so she had cut me off months before. I got pissed because this particular night she rejected me, and I knew—just knew—in my gut, she was done with me.” I pause, catching my breath as the anger rages through me.
My mom, sensing the change, only sits silently, watching and waiting for me to continue.
I blow out a breath loudly. “Mom, I left her that night. Alone.”
I can’t bring myself to say more.
“What happened, Drexel?” my mom quietly encourages me to finish.
“She was a-a-attacked. Brutally.” I grip the chair so hard the whites of my knuckles show. “I wasn’t there. Shooter, he saved her. He helped her work through all of that, and in all of that, they bonded.”
“You can’t possibly blame them for that?”
“Fuck no, Mom. Who wouldn’t be close after surviving together? Shooter, though, he knew about Axel. He saw him, and when I say he looks just like me, there’s no denying he’s mine. Shooter knew, and yet he didn’t tell me. At the time, I was enraged, but I’ve had some time now to process it now. I was pissed my son was kept from me, but the more time passes, the more I just don’t want to lose any more time. Besides, Lux said she wouldn’t have told me, either.”
“Lux?”
“Caroline. She’s Doll’s college friend. She’s the deluxe model of a female, all Fancy Nancy and shit. Mom, she keeps it real even when I don’t want her to. She puts me in my place. And what she said made what Tessie did make sense. Only now, I don’t know how to make it all work.
“Tessie has something good with Shooter, and I really want good for her, Mom. She’s had it hard. He looks at her like she’s his very next breath, and I could never give her that. How do I fit into all this, though? That boy, he’s part of me, part of us, Mom.”
“Sounds like you are finally growing up, Drexel. It also sounds like Tessie has done the best she could. The future is what you make it, so if you want to be in your son’s life, it doesn’t sound to me like Shooter or Tessie would hold you back. You say they are good people and good together?”
I nod, but before I can reply, she puts up her hand to stop me.
“Mark my words, Drexel Devon Crews, there is a little boy involved here who is no doubt as confused as you are. If you aren’t going to be there one hundred percent—and I mean it— if you aren’t going to be there all the way, then stay out of it. Being a parent isn’t just about the fun times. It’s hard as hell. It’s sacrifice. Tessie has given you an out, but if you step in, you do it all the way for the rest of that little boy’s life, not just till he’s eighteen. You are there as her teammate, as her partner to raise him, fight for him, to provide for him, and to love him. You don’t get to come in and disrupt what she has built just because you wake up and decide to be a dad today. You also don’t get to go to sleep tomorrow and decide it’s too much. If you do this, it’s forever.”
“I can’t imagine walking away now that I know about him. I can’t imagine missing anything more with him. I want to take him fishing and shit like Pops did with Tripp and me.”
“Then I ask you, are you all in?”
“I don’t want to mess him up. I don’t want to mess this up. He has it good, Mom. Am I good enough for him?”
Tears well in her eyes. “The man in my kitchen today is not the same man who had dinner with me a month ago. The man in my kitchen has actually taken the time to think about the consequences of his life and his actions on someone else. Not only am I proud of the man you are right now, but I’m proud of the man I know you are becoming.
“Change is not always a bad thing, Drexel. You have a good soul deep in there. A little selfish at times, but you have good in you. To recognize that Tessie has something good and is building something good for Axel shows the sacrifice you are willing to make.
“A year or two ago, your selfish desires would have you upsetting both of their lives to see if you could fit in. But the man here tonight is thinking about what’s best for his son before he leaps into his life. That’s maturity, understanding, and it’s what will make you an amazing dad, not only to Axel, but to your future children, as well. You can do this, son, if this is what you want.”
What I want? Hmmm … That is a loaded question.
She stands, comes over, and hugs me. As the unconditional love of my mother engulfs me, I realize I want to be a father to my son. I want to find a way to give Axel me without taking him from Tessie and the life they are building with Shooter. I want to give my son what my mother has always given me: a rock solid parent. Only, my son will have three with me, Tessie, and Shooter.