It was eerily quiet when I got home from study group. The lights in the commons area were out, which usually meant no one was there. But Gabe hadn’t mentioned anything about leaving tonight. I’d been ready to come home and grovel for leaving right after his big meltdown about feeling like we were drifting apart now that I was busy with stupid little things like keeping my grades up.

I flipped on the light in our room, possibly for the first time since we’d moved in since Gabe was almost always there when I got back to the room, and I saw the note he’d left for me.

It annoyed me more than it should that he was out with Seth. I hadn’t realized they were close enough that Gabe would be the one Seth turned to if he needed support. Gabe wasn’t the person most people would go to if they were having a rough time. He didn’t deal with tense situations well at all.

I took advantage of the peace and quiet to get a bit more research done for my psych paper. It was the easiest class I had this semester, so it’d be a breeze to blow through this assignment before Thanksgiving break even though it wasn’t due until the first week of December.

Gabe and Seth practically fell through the door to the commons area a while later. Something was obviously funny, but I was the outsider without a clue. I hated that feeling, because I was supposed to be the person Gabe laughed with.

“Oh, hey, Trev. You been home long?” I closed my laptop and joined them in the commons.

“Nope.” Rather than sit next to Gabe on the couch, I took one of the club chairs to subtly let him know I was irrationally annoyed with him right now. It wasn’t the fact that he’d been out, but the fact that he and Seth seemed much closer than I’d realized. If I made a new friend, I let him know because I wanted him to know about my life. Obviously, that wasn’t a two-way street.

Seth seemed to pick up on the tension between us first. “Thanks for coming with to the meeting, Gabe. I’m going to head back to my room and try to read my assignment for tomorrow.”

“Cool. Did you wanna head down again next week?”

What in the heck was next week? They were making standing dates now? See, I was being completely irrational, but I blamed that on the jealousy I wasn’t used to feeling and didn’t know how to cope with.

“Yeah. Tonight went better than I expected. Thanks again.” He waved on his way out, leaving me with more questions than answers. But I didn’t want to turn into that boyfriend. Didn’t want Gabe to think I didn’t trust him, because I did. Was I jealous of the time they’d spent together? Yeah, but that was mostly because I didn’t realize they’d gotten close.

“Hey, you okay?” Gabe asked once we were alone. He walked across the room and started massaging my shoulders. This had become one of my favorite parts of every day. The time Gabe had spent playing sports and managing the teams had taught him how to use his hands for a heavenly massage.

“I’ll be fine,” I told him. And I would, as soon as I figured out how to rein in these unwanted, and unwarranted, emotions. Gabe could have friends. Heck, I’d even encouraged him to get out of the room before I’d left. It wasn’t his fault he’d taken my suggestion.

“I’m sorry I didn’t text you to let you know I was taking off,” he said softly, still working at the knots in my shoulders. “I didn’t want to interrupt your study session. Did you at least get my note?”

“Yeah, thanks.” I was sitting here trying to dissect his motives for not calling or texting, and it turned out he was trying to be considerate. That made me feel like a steaming pile of crap.

“Are you mad that I went with him?” he asked, sounding uncertain. Gabe didn’t think twice about ticking off most people, but he’d never dealt well when he’d upset me. I knew this, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to let him off the hook completely.

“I’m not mad that you have a life outside of us,” I assured him, before laying on a thin layer of guilt. “But I was a little hurt that you’d never mentioned you and Seth were friends.”

Gabe shrugged as if it wasn’t a huge deal. “We weren’t, not really. A few nights when I felt sorry for myself sitting around the dorm, I asked him if he wanted to grab dinner together. Tonight I was going to see if he wanted to head to Port Java, but he had other plans and invited me along.”

“Can I ask what you did or is it some big secret?” I closed my eyes and allowed my head to fall forward. “I’m trying really hard to not be intrusive, but I am curious. If it was something he wouldn’t want me to know, don’t tell me. I’ll respect your decision.”

“Babe, I’m not going to keep secrets from you,” he insisted. “I mean, if it was something really fucked up and he asked me not to tell you, I’d have to figure out what I’d do, but I’m not going to get in the habit of keeping shit from you.”

He was infuriating when he got flustered. There was something about their evening he didn’t want to tell me, but I had no clue what it might be. And I’d promised I wasn’t going to pry, so I was stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I reminded him in case this was one of those situations where he wasn’t sure what Seth would want him to say.

“No, it’s nothing covert or anything. We just… okay, so when I got to his room, he was heading out to a club meeting and he invited me to go with him.”

“It was a Magic: The Gathering club meeting, wasn’t it?” I teased. He chuckled, and I knew that’d been the right approach. “Gabe, I know every embarrassing thing there is to know about you, including the time you came down from your bath butt naked, not realizing Pastor Simms and his wife were there to make sure everything was okay because your parents hadn’t been in church for a while.”

“You weren’t supposed to speak of that. Ever.” It was one of those moments far too hilarious to let him ever forget. It may not have been so bad if Gabe hadn’t been in a phase where he was obsessively interested in his penis and thought everyone else should share his wonder.

“Man, I thought my dad was going to piss himself laughing when your parents told mine about that.”

“Do. Not. Speak. Of. It.” Every word came out clipped and terse, but I was laughing too hard to stop myself.

“Sorry, but you’re the one who asked the pastor’s wife if she wanted to see the Statue of Liberty.”

The poor woman had apparently said it was a sight she’d always wanted to see and Gabe lay down in the middle of the living room and tugged at his Vienna sausage.

“I swear, if you ever tell anyone, I’ll be forced to retaliate by telling about the time you yelled out that you were sucking your sausage in the middle of Easter brunch.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“Dang, you’re savage.”

“I know.”

“Okay, so now that we got that out of our systems, are you gonna tell me about this clandestine meeting?”

“Promise you won’t get pissed?” He seemed anxious, like he honestly thought I might be upset with him for having a social life.

“Unless you were at an orgy or sacrificing little humans, I’m pretty sure I’ll deal.”

“Okay… so… we…,” he stammered. I grabbed his hand and pulled him around into my lap. We probably looked ridiculous since he had a few inches on me, but it felt right. He held me when I was upset; now it was my turn to return the favor. “He was on his way to an LGBTQ Alliance meeting and asked if I’d go with him.”

“As moral support.” I repeated his words from earlier, wanting to know what his role at this meeting was.

“Well, that too, but he sort of…. Trev, don’t get pissed, but he knows about us.”

“You told him?”

“No. He⁠—uh⁠—apparently even though the walls are cinderblock, it doesn’t dampen all the sound.” His entire face turned beet red and he couldn’t look at me.

My heart threatened to beat out of my chest, but this wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Close, but not quite. And I didn’t picture Seth as the type who’d blab our personal business.

“You weren’t worried about the meeting, were you?” Gabe shook his head. “You were worried I’d be upset that you’re not locking your closet door?” He nodded. “Oh babe, I’m sorry. This is another one of those talks we should’ve had sooner. I don’t want you feeling like a dirty little secret.”

“I don’t.” I clamped my hand over his mouth. Now it was my turn to speak. I needed to clear the air fully between us.

“Listen to me,” I demanded. Gabe stirred at the deep, commanding tone of my voice. It wasn’t the sort of play we got into, but I filed that knowledge away for future reference. “You know why I’m not ready to be out. It’s too complicated. There would be too many questions. Plus, once I’m out, I know I’m not going to want to hide away when we’re around family. I do want to get to the point where I can tell everyone how much you mean to me, but I’m not there yet. That doesn’t mean I want you to stay completely hidden too. I want you to live your life, and if an LGBT club is where you find your tribe, so be it.”

“You’re really okay with this?” He finally looked up at me with hope in his eyes.

“Yeah, I am. There may be times I tweak about stuff, but as long as you’re not telling people certain details, I’ll try and play it cool.”

Gabe got off my lap and held out a hand to me. “Does that mean we can go to bed? It’s been an exhausting day.”

“Yeah, I’m beat. I keep waiting for the day when I’m treading water instead of drowning, but I’m sure that’ll come next semester. Maybe.” I followed Gabe into our room and changed for bed while he grabbed his shower caddy. As tempting as it was to take another shared shower, the rest of the guys would be home before long, and it seemed we already had issues with someone being quiet.

By the time he got out of the shower, I was falling asleep while trying to read my assignment for tomorrow’s lecture. He took the book out of my hands and carefully placed it over the arm of the smelly chair so I wouldn’t lose my place. When he returned, he carefully took off my glasses and set them on the nightstand. He climbed into the bed, pushing me closer to the wall. “Next year, we convince the ’rents to let us get a place of our own. I can’t keep doing this twin bed bullshit.”

“Could we not talk about them while we’re curled up together in bed?” I still wasn’t comfortable with the number of lies we were telling our parents.

“Deal,” he agreed. Gabe pulled my body closer to his, holding me tight, as though he was afraid I’d disappear if he dared to let go. He kissed the back of my head, allowing his fingers to trace patterns across my stomach.

“You sleepy?” He asked, his husky voice making me aware he had other ideas than closing our eyes for the night.

“I could be persuaded to wake up.” It’d been a long day in a painful string of long days, but I wasn’t going to say no to whatever Gabe was suggesting. We’d been toeing ever closer to having what I thought of as “real sex” and I realized holding ourselves back might be part of the reason we both felt so much uncertainty about what was going on between us.

I rolled in Gabe’s arms, lifting my hand to his face. His jaw was rough with a few days’ worth of stubble, but I loved that rasp against my palm. Shifting closer, I noticed his eyes narrow on me. His breathing sped up and grew shallow.

“I want to try something tonight, Gabe,” I whispered before sealing my mouth over his. His lips parted on a surprised sigh, and I allowed my tongue to enter his mouth. He tasted like the bubble gum toothpaste he still used, despite the flack he caught for using kids’ toothpaste. His distaste for anything mint was adorable—just one more facet of his personality which endeared him to me.

Gabe moaned as I deepened the kiss, pressing our bodies together, writhing against his erection. The more noise he made, the more emboldened I became to do what he’d once suggested and take control.

Gabe’s hands dipped inside my pajama pants, massaging my ass as we rutted against one another. Unlike the first times we fooled around, tonight there was no anxiety, only anticipation for what was to come. I hadn’t planned on our first time going all the way to be make-up sex, but it seemed fitting. A commitment to one another that, no matter what life threw our way, we could come together at the end of the day and still love each other.

Reluctantly, I pulled away from Gabe and rolled over. I fumbled to open the top drawer of the dresser beside the bed and pulled out the bottle of lube and a condom. We’d debated if we’d use them, but going bare was something I couldn’t bring myself to do with anyone, even though I knew neither of us had been with anyone. Gabe, as typical for him, assured me he was fine, that the presence or absence of a piece of latex didn’t diminish what we felt for one another. I handed the supplies to Gabe, laughing at his astonishment.

“Trev, we don’t have to rush this,” he told me, the same as he did every time. It had been sweet at first, but now it was annoying.

“I’m pretty sure what we’ve done is the opposite of rushing anything,” I told him, as I brazenly reached over and tugged at the waistband of his shorts. “We’ve known one another for our entire lives. We dated in secret for a year. We’ve been in college for a few months now. When you think about it, our relationship has been moving at a glacial pace.”

“Well, when you put it that way….” Gabe rolled, flipping me onto my back so he could straddle my thighs. “Do you have any clue how hard it’s been for me to resist bending you over to claim you?”

“Claim me? Are we in some Regency romance right now?” I teased. I’d never thought laughing would be a part of sex, but it turned out it was my favorite part⁠—okay, one of my favorite parts. The orgasms were damn amazing.

“I’m going to ignore the fact that my boyfriend knows what a Regency romance is.” His hands roamed my chest as he bent down to kiss me again. He ground our dicks together. This was familiar. I wanted new and exciting.

I felt around on the bed and handed him the bottle of lube. “Please, Gabe… want more tonight.”

“Tell me,” Gabe pleaded, already moving off my legs. He stripped quickly before returning to pull down my pajama pants and briefs. Even though I knew he couldn’t see much in the darkness, I felt exposed to him in a way I never had before. Not when he saw me at my worst and took care of me through sicknesses. Not the first time we’d been intimate. Not through shared showers. Tonight felt different. Raw. And I couldn’t wait for what came next.

“You’re not saying anything, Trev.” He straddled me again, lifting his body to limit the contact against my skin. He was trying to drive me out of my mind, and it was working. “Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you.”

My cheeks burned hotly enough I wouldn’t have been surprised if they were glowing. Gabe was the master of dirty talk, not me. I’d always tried so hard to stay respectful and proper, I wasn’t sure I could even utter the words to express my fantasies.

“Tell me, babe, or I’m not doing anything.” I pressed my hands against his back and tried to pull him down against me. If I could feel the heat of his body against mine, it’d bolster my confidence, make me forget my embarrassment. But Gabe had always been stronger than me, and he held firm.

I mumbled something, hoping it’d be enough to spur him into action. Instead, it only fueled him to taunt me more. He bent down, nipping my earlobe. “I can’t hear you. What was that?”

“Want you inside me,” I repeated.

“I don’t think that’s good enough, babe.” He took my dick in his hand, stroking slowly. Lightly. It wasn’t enough. I cried out as he dragged his thumb over my slit. “You like that?”

“Yes,” I hissed out, arching into his touch. “More. Need more, Gabe.”

“I’ll give you what you need.”

Every stroke drew me closer to the pinnacle, closer to losing control. Right before I blew, he stopped and instructed me to roll over. Now we were getting somewhere.

Gabe continued his ministrations, squeezing my butt in his hands. Cool air teased me as he parted my cheeks and my hole clenched.

“God, I never would’ve thought an ass could be this sexy.” His thumbs grazed against my hole and I had to stop myself from pressing back against him. “You never fail to amaze me, Trevor. Every time I see you like this, it makes me feel ten feet tall. Seeing how you need me, knowing you want me as much as I want you. It’s addictive.”

The talk was nice, great even, but tonight I wanted my man of action. The next time his fingers neared my entrance, I pushed back against them.

Gabe chuckled and pressed a kiss to the small of my back. His lips traveled lower and I flinched when I felt him kissing his way down my crack. Rimming was something I’d read about and seen but didn’t think I’d enjoy. It was too… strange to think of anyone burying their face there. But as Gabe’s mouth continued its journey, I found myself desperate for his tongue against my hole.

I rocked back, pressing my ass to his face, begging him to keep going. Pleading with him to give me his tongue. He dug his fingers into my hips to still me. “I’ve got you. There’s no need to hurry, and I want to take my time. Want to remember everything about tonight with you.”

My heart melted. He wasn’t always the best with words, but the past few months had proven to me he’d been holding back. When compelled, he knew how to find the exact words in any situation.

“Do something,” I begged. “Need to feel you. Want you inside me.”

Gabe groaned. “You’re killing me. I’m trying to be sweet and take my time with you.”

“Don’t need sweet. Need your dick.” I wasn’t sure who was more taken aback by my brazen demand, but I couldn’t bring myself to be ashamed. I did want him. He wanted me to tell him what I wanted. Him turning me on to the point I lost my inhibitions was a blessing.

The snick of the lube bottle cap opening seemed to echo off the walls. Cold, slick-covered fingers slid from my balls to my ass. I writhed, impatient for what I knew came next.

The anxiety that’d eluded me so far returned. I needed him to enjoy this. I had no desire to top him but also worried allowing him to penetrate me would be painful or unpleasant.

“You’re thinking again,” he pointed out, still rubbing gently against my entrance. He pressed harder, almost penetrating me, but not quite. “I can feel it here. You’re tensing up on me. I need you to trust me if we’re going to do this.”

“I do,” I promised him. “Implicitly.”

“Then let me get you ready. I want to make sure I don’t hurt you.”

In that moment, I knew he never would. Not if there was any way he could help it.