Life was so much less stressful once I wasn’t sitting in our room obsessing about how much time Trevor and I were spending apart. Now that I was seeking out people with common interests to mine, it was like the pressure had been released. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but I was the one crushing the possibility for our relationship to succeed because I staked all my happiness on whether or not Trevor was around.

Thanksgiving hadn’t been easy. Sitting across the table from him, unable to tell the family what I was truly thankful for this year sucked. Saying goodnight to him before he went home with his parents was nearly unbearable. We texted every night until the responses came slower and we said goodnight. In the morning, I reached for my phone, wishing we were together. I wanted to wake up to the sight of him reading in the bed next to me, his fingers absently carding through my hair. But we’d made it through, and Sunday night, we’d detoured off the interstate in the middle of nowhere to make out. I smiled at the memory, telling myself that’d been practice for the upcoming winter break. There was no way we’d get through almost a month with only supervised contact, but I knew we’d have to find a way because Trevor wouldn’t do anything to raise suspicion with his family.

“Do you have any clue how expressive your face is?” Seth’s observation pulled me out of my thoughts. We were at Port Java, waiting for the rest of the LGBTQ Alliance to show up. With finals starting in a few days, this would be the last time we’d all be together until January, and the last time we’d likely see a couple of graduating seniors. As much as I’d resisted getting out of the dorm, these people were now my friends. I was going to miss them, too, when we were home.

“And what’s my face telling you right now?” I quipped.

“First, that you were thinking about something special. I’d put money on it having to do with Trevor. But then it was like you were punched in the gut. You literally looked like you were in physical pain.”

I kind of was, which was weird. My chest ached every time I considered what the upcoming distance was going to do to our relationship. The toll that’d be taken by not being able to be honest with our families. The hiding. The lies. Pretending like life was peachy when it was bittersweet. “If you’d like to talk about it, my door is always open.”

“Thanks for that, man, but I was thinking about break and how much it’s gonna suck not being with Trevor for almost a month.”

“I thought you guys were from the same town?” I’d been purposely vague when sharing details of my relationship with Trevor. My friends knew we went to school together and lived in the same town, but I’d downplayed the connection between our families. That was getting dangerously close to the truth, and I’d promised Trevor certain details would stay between us until he was ready.

“Yeah, but it won’t be the same,” I said, wishing I could explain the torture I was about to experience.

“I take it your parents aren’t cool with you being gay, either?”

“No, that’s not it. My parents have known about me for a while,” I admitted.

“Then why can’t you come clean, tell them you’re seeing Trevor?” He suggested. If only it were that simple. “They’ll probably take it better if they see you’re happy, and anyone who sees the two of you together has to admit you’re totally in love with one another.”

“Believe me, that’s not how it’d go down.” There would be tears, but they wouldn’t be happy ones. The moms would try to dissect where they’d gone wrong, if they shouldn’t have encouraged us to orbit around one another for nearly two decades.

“Remember what we were talking about last month in group. Most of the time, the buildup in your mind is light-years worse than the reality.”

“You telling me you’ve realized it’ll be easy for you to come out?” I quirked an eyebrow expectantly. It was dirty pool to turn the conversation around on him like that when I knew there was no way he could tell his family he was gay until he had a plan in place. Unlike my parents, whose acceptance of me made it possible they’d eventually be okay with who I loved, his family was very outspoken on their beliefs. They had no problem telling anyone who would listen that homosexuals were ruining the sanctity of the nuclear family. That’d made for a pleasant conversation the week they’d come down to visit Seth for his birthday.

“Eventually, I’ll have to,” he said somberly. I was a complete dick. I knew he struggled with wanting to keep his family and being true to himself. He’d blossomed over the course of the semester and it was cool to see the person he was growing into.

“Hey, guys, what’s so heavy over here?” Jayden, one of the graduating seniors, flipped a chair around and sat at our table. One of the baristas came over to see if Jayden needed anything to drink. The two of them had grown closer over the past month since we’d started hanging out here. Maybe close was the wrong word, but there was definitely a spark of something there.

“Talking about the theory of coming out versus the reality,” Seth stated, as if discussing possible thesis topics. It wasn’t much of a stretch to imagine him choosing something along those lines for a term paper at some point. The more comfortable he became with his sexuality, the more determined he was to do something good for kids like him.

“And what have you decided?” Jayden asked. The barista stopped back with his coffee, and they exchanged a few quiet words before he turned his attention back to us. “Sorry about that.”

“No worries.” I sipped my coffee, wondering if they were dating. I wouldn’t trade what I had with Trevor for anything, but occasionally, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to feel the butterflies when you met someone you felt a connection to. I wouldn’t say Trevor and I were a foregone conclusion, not by a long shot, but more of a natural progression. Best friends to pre-pubescent crushes (even if we never admitted it to one another), high school sweethearts no one knew about, and now college lovers. There wasn’t a time when he was someone new to me.

“You’re doing it again.”

“Huh?”

“You have your thinking face,” Seth told me. “At least, I hope it’s a thinking face, because it’s either that or you’re constipated.”

“Eww, gross,” Jayden chimed in. “Everything okay with you, Gabe?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Like I was telling Seth, I’m just sulking about break.”

“Why? Everyone’s ready to get the hell out of here.” He thought for a moment. “Well, except me. I’m still trying to figure out a way to stay in town.”

Jayden glanced at the barista. Maybe things were more serious than I’d realized if he was considering staying in town after graduation. The last I knew, he’d been talking about heading west, wanting to see the world before he admitted he was an adult and got a real job. I was excited about the thought of him hanging around.

“He’s worried about missing his guy while they’re home.” True to his word, Seth hadn’t told anyone who I was dating. He didn’t see the big deal but respected our wishes. I only wished it wasn’t necessary. Shit. Adulting sucked when it meant hiding news you wanted to share with the world.

“Ahhh, not ready to crack open that closet door?”

“I have, he hasn’t. And when he’s ready for that, it’s going to raise all sorts of issues.” Until then, I had to suffer through DeeDee grilling Trevor about why he wasn’t dating anyone. The moms were dying to be grandmas as soon as we graduated college and our lives settled down. That meant they’d want us to date because, if you didn’t put yourself out there, you’d never find your perfect match. If only they realized we’d already met.

“Do the ’rents not like the guy you’re seeing?” Jayden pressed. Shit. I should’ve kept my damn mouth shut. Jayden was from a super chill family who accepted him as he was. From what he’d said, they were chill about pretty much everything, which was why he couldn’t fully comprehend my hesitation.

“Could we not talk about this?” I pleaded. I was dangerously close to blurting out every reason coming out and telling everyone we were together was a bad move. I couldn’t betray Trevor’s trust that way.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to hit a raw nerve,” he apologized. By the time the rest of the crew showed up, everything had been forgotten. I sat back and listened while everyone chatted about their plans for break. A little past eight thirty, Trevor texted to let me know he was on his way back to the dorm. I replied letting him know I was still at Port Java, inviting him to come down. Just like any other time I invited him to join us, he declined, telling me he was going to head back to the room and study for a bit, quickly sending another text telling me to get home as quickly as I could because he missed me. That was sweet.

That was another aspect of our relationship that’d changed; we were both working to make sure the other knew what we were feeling, even when it seemed needy or clingy. Especially then. Full disclosure was what Trevor had called it when he’d suggested it. If nothing else, it served as a reminder of our place in each other’s lives.

As much as I was enjoying the evening, I decided to turn in early. Trevor had been tweaking hard about finals, so I figured my time would be better spent helping him relax.

I took a few steadying breaths on the walk back to Hewlett, promising myself we’d find a way to steal some time during break. Despite the bumps along the way, we’d managed to successfully navigate our first semester of school together.

* * *

The drive home after Trevor’s last final was somber. Neither of us knew how to handle the time spent with our families. We’d always been close to them, but now, I think both of us wished it were possible to stay in Wilmington and drive home for Christmas Day. But it wasn’t. Even if the moms wouldn’t have flipped about such a suggestion, the residence halls were closed until a few days before spring semester started.

“We’ll figure something out.” Trevor reached over to rest his hand on my knee. Him reassuring me was a drastic change from the end of summer, when I’d been the one telling him everything would be okay. “And it’s not like we won’t get to see each other.”

“Yeah, but now it’s going to be even worse than before because I’m going to have to remember to keep my hands to myself.”

“I am pretty irresistible.” Trevor exuded confidence he hadn’t held before college. It was sexy and amusing all at the same time. I still wasn’t used to him whipping out the sarcasm with perfect comedic timing.

Break wasn’t the only issue on my mind. It was beginning to bug me that the closer we became, the more segmented our lives felt. There was the time we were together, but then he had his life and I had mine. He was spending time with his friends while I did my own thing. Not once in the past few months had either of us gone out with the other’s friends. That was something couples were supposed to do. New Year’s resolution number one: figure out how to suggest we blend our lives a bit so we at least knew who the other was hanging out with.

“I’m serious, Trev.” I gripped the wheel tighter, wondering if I was making a mistake by bringing this up to him. “I’m trying so hard to respect your need for privacy, but what happens if I forget where we’re at and hug you?”

“They’ll think I’m a good influence,” he quipped. “I’ve always been a hugger, so they’ll assume you’ve picked up the habit from living with me.”

“And if it’s not just a hug? What if I space out and kiss you or want to hold your hand? What if I say the wrong thing and they figure out what’s going on?” Worrying used to be his thing, but now that I knew exactly what I stood to lose if I fucked up and he left, I was nearly paralyzed with fear. “I don’t like walking around on eggshells, but I’m freaking out that I’m going to mess up, piss you off, and upset the parents.”

“You won’t.”

“Won’t what?”

“Any of it. Okay, so yes, there’s a chance you’ll slip up, but it’s just as likely I’ll be the one who lets his guard down.” I wasn’t so sure that was the case, but I wasn’t going to argue the point. “And okay, so it might upset your parents and mine, but I promise I’m not going to be angry with you for doing something we’ve both gotten used to doing without thinking.”

“It’s still an awfully big risk,” I argued.

“One we’ve taken before,” he reminded me.

“But that was when we hadn’t gotten as close as we are now.”

“Except every weekend when we’ve been home.” Okay, valid point. Traffic slowed as we got closer to the city. I tapped a beat against the steering wheel, my patience with stupid drivers wearing thin. “Think of this as a really long weekend. And I’ve been thinking about it; just because we’re home through the beginning of the year doesn’t mean our parents will be. We’ve always hung out during school breaks. It’d be weirder if we didn’t now. That would be the biggest red flag of all.”

“But we both know damn well you’re not going to be comfortable doing anything at either of our houses.” That was why we’d never gone beyond a few stolen kisses and over-the-clothes petting. Trevor was one of the most honorable men I knew, and he would never cross that line in our parents’ space.

“No, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find time to get away. Who knows, maybe we can even do something out of town. It wouldn’t be the first time we talked about taking a road trip.”

“Maybe.” I wasn’t going to break it to him that DeeDee would have a coronary if he suggested leaving the nest before we were allowed to move back into the residence hall on the third of January.

“Promise me you won’t obsess about this?”

“Nope. Not going to make a promise I know there’s no chance of me keeping.” If nothing else, I figured that answer would give me some points for honesty. “But if you’re serious about getting out of town for part of break, we’ll see if we can figure out something.”

“Thank you.” He let out a sigh like I’d offered him a lifeline.

I pulled off the highway at the exit for home. This was the first time I felt a pit in my stomach at the thought of pulling up in front of the house.