“Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tried.”
~William Shakespeare
“Wishing and hoping will only take you so far. Sometimes you gotta take life by the balls.”
~Romeo Bradley
“One salted caramel coffee and a cranberry orange muffin,” said Maegan Miracle, co-owner of Books and Brew, as she removed my items from her tray and set them on the table I’d chosen in front of the bookstore and coffee shop. She and her twin brother had added the outdoor seating in the spring which made it nice on the mornings I brought Dolly with me. “And a biscuit for milady.” Maegan did a cute curtsy before holding out the dog biscuit shaped like a fire hydrant for Dolly to assess.
“She prefers the biscuits shaped like stilettos or handbags,” I teased. “High-dollar diva.”
“A dog after my own heart,” Maegan replied then scratched Dolly’s ears once she gingerly accepted the biscuit. “You know, I probably should’ve waited for you to order rather than assume you’d want—”
“The same thing I get every time?” I waved away the thought then took a sip of my favorite coffee. “Although, I am hoping to meet someone here.”
“Oh, is Howie coming too?”
It was a natural assumption since I’d formed an unlikely but meaningful relationship with the older man after our first chat at the ice cream parlor. He’d adopted a beagle named Bess and we started walking our dogs together every night. Sometimes we even met for coffee, so it made sense she drew that conclusion.
“Good morning,” Howie boomed from behind me as if Maegan conjured him out of thin air. “Look, Bess, there’s your best girl Dolly.” It was true the dogs were best friends. I’d never seen two dogs take to each other as quickly as they did. “Maegan, can I have a black coffee and a piña colada muffin?”
“Of course,” she said cheerfully then retreated inside.
“I’m glad to see you this morning since we didn’t get our walk last night. How was the game?”
“I didn’t see much of it because I worked in the concession stand.” To be honest, the only thing I remembered about the previous evening was Julius—the sound of his voice, the crisp scent of his cologne or body wash, and the way my skin tingled anytime we bumped into each other while assembling food. He consumed my thoughts and made it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything or anyone else. That’s why I made my subtle move. Julius was obviously hesitant to get involved with me even though he returned my attraction. All the wishing and hoping was making me crazy as I tried to patiently give him time to warm up to the idea of us. I needed to know if there was hope or if I should move on.
“You look wound tight this morning, Rome,” Howie said, breaking into my thoughts. “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed distracted on our walks. I’m not boring you, am I?”
My heart broke right then. “Howie, I’m sorry if I’ve given you that impression because it’s the furthest thing from the truth. Our friendship means the world to me, and our walks keep me sane.”
“Man trouble then?” He’d leaned forward and lowered his voice. He didn’t do it because he found the subject awkward nor was he ashamed. We’d spent hours talking about the different experiences we’d had as gay and straight men. What he knew about gay people were stereotypes perpetuated in television and movies, and he was eager to hear what I had to say. I listened to him talk about the way he was raised and understood how prejudices and ignorance were spread from generation to generation. Howie was proud he and his wife raised their kids to be more open-minded. His lowered voice was his way of protecting my privacy.
I chuckled and tilted my head as I rolled his question around. “Something like that. I invited him to meet me here for coffee, but I doubt he shows up.”
“Is it someone I know?”
“He lives locally, but we haven’t talked about him,” I replied.
“Is it the new pediatrician? You should hear the single ladies crying because Dr. Love is gay. You’d make a handsome couple.”
“No, it’s not him, but thank you.”
Howie narrowed his eyes, and I could tell he was rolling it around in his mind to determine which eligible bachelor caught my eye. “That hunky fireman?”
“We have a hunky gay fireman living here?”
Howie laughed and nodded. “He’s a big bruiser though.” My friend’s face turned bright red when he realized how I could interpret his comment. “I meant height and breadth of shoulders. I, uh, didn’t mean…”
“I knew what you meant,” I assured him. I saw a charcoal gray Honda Accord park by the curb down the block. Could it be? That was a common car and a popular color… My heart accelerated when the driver’s door opened and Julius stepped out. I had a moment to study him before he saw me, and the turmoil etched on his handsome face tugged at my heartstrings.
Sensing my distraction, Howie turned to look down the sidewalk. “That him?”
Yes, my heart shouted. I was too dumbstruck to speak and could only nod my head.
Howie turned back to me just in time to see my confirmation. He scooted back his chair and started to rise until I stopped him by placing my hand on his arm. “Let me introduce you.” I waved to get Jules’s attention and was happy to see a warm smile replace his troubled expression.
“Hello,” Jules warmly said when he reached our table.
Howie and I both stood up to greet him. “Julius, this is my good friend, Howie, and, Howie, this is Julius. He teaches advanced chemistry at the high school.”
“It’s good to meet you, Julius,” Howie said, shaking his hand. “Bess and I were just keeping Rome and Dolly company while they waited for you.”
“It’s good to meet you too,” Jules said. Then he leaned down to greet the dogs who wagged their tails excitedly. “Hello, ladies.”
Maegan came outside with Howie’s coffee and muffin on a tray. “Hi, Julius. What can I get for you this morning?”
“Good morning, Maegan.” Julius offered her a warm smile even if a trace of uncertainty lingered in his eyes. “I’ll have a gingerbread chai latte and a lemon poppy seed muffin.”
“I’ll follow you inside to pay for my breakfast and get a paper bag so Bess and I can get going,” Howie told her. “Do you mind if Bess hangs out with you for a minute?” he asked me.
“You don’t have to rush off,” I said. “Stay and join us.”
“Oh no,” Howie persisted. “We have a big day ahead of us. We’re keeping an eye on the grandkids while their parents do some shopping for the youngest one’s birthday party.” He shook his head. “I look forward to seeing what they come up with every year. At first, I thought making a big deal about birthdays was silly, but the kids have such a good time. Who does it hurt, anyway? It’s not like they hire a circus to perform and bring in a petting zoo. They decorate the house in a theme that matches the latest craze the kids are wrapped up in and serve food, cake, and ice cream.”
“No bouncy castles?” I teased.
“Well, they did that once. It was a lot of fun.”
“You got in the bouncy castle?” I asked.
“I’m not always a stick in the mud, you know?”
“I do.” I’d gotten to see the warm, loving man Howie truly was once he started opening up to me during our nightly walks. Grief did evil things to a person’s mind, affecting every aspect of their lives.
“I’ll be right back after I pay the nice lady,” Howie said, following Maegan inside. She looped her arm through his and said something I couldn’t hear, but it made Howie hoot with laughter.
“I didn’t mean to run your friend off,” Julius said, sitting in the chair Howie had vacated.
“You didn’t run anyone off. I invited you, remember? Howie was walking Bess and stopped by.” My eyes roamed greedily over his face, and my pulse leaped when his shy smile became a devious one.
“You didn’t think I’d show up, did you?”
“It depended on the minute. Part of the time, I thought you would, and part of the time, I thought you wouldn’t.”
Julius chuckled. “How long have you been thinking about it?”
“I haven’t been able to think about anything else since I asked you to meet me.”
“Me either,” he confessed, looking away briefly. “So, why did you think I might show up?”
We were two grown men and had no room for playing coy games. Julius asked me a direct question, and my response would be equally as straightforward. “I can see you return my attraction. You’re starting to look less hesitant and more curious about your reaction to me. What were your reasons for wanting to come here this morning?” I wanted to reach out and cover his hand with mine but knew it was too soon.
“I don’t want to live a life where I’m second-guessing decisions I made or regret letting people slip out of my life just because the situation could be difficult. What were the reasons you thought I’d choose not to come?” he asked.
“I thought my position as superintendent would be the biggest detraction, but I also worried you might think I was too old.” Julius snorted. “What? How many twenty-somethings like you want to date forty-somethings like me?”
“More than you know. You’re intelligent, funny, kind, mature, and you must know how good looking you are.”
“I…um—”
“You have a mirror, right?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Start looking in it more often. You are one sexy man. You’re the entire package.” My stunned expression made him chuckle. He was so different from the man I talked to during school events. Gone was his shyness and in its place was a direct gaze I couldn’t look away from. “You wanted honesty, so I’m giving it to you.”
“Is it my job then?”
“Mostly,” he agreed. “I’m new to this school, and I want the conversation about me to reflect on my skills as an educator, not my sexual orientation or who I’m dating.”
“Fair enough.”
“There’s also the issue of race,” Julius said. “It shouldn’t matter in this day and age, but then again, it shouldn’t have mattered when I was growing up and getting bullied left and right either. The crap my parents went through just for loving each other was ridiculous,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not afraid to battle hard for the things I want, but I need to make sure the person is worth the fight.” I wanted to be worthy.
“I’m sorry to hear you were bullied as a kid, Julius.” I decided to throw caution to the wind and cover his hand where it rested on the table. I didn’t trace his soft skin with my thumb; I just let him feel the weight of my hand and learn my touch. “I’m not afraid of what people will think or say,” I said earnestly. “Something inside you clicks as you get older and living for what others think no longer is important. As much as I love to please others, I care most about pleasing myself. God, that must sound selfish.”
“It sounds smart and like something we should all do at an earlier age.”
Howie came out of the coffee shop, approached our table, and took Bess’s leash from my other hand. “I hope you guys have a great day. It was nice meeting you, Julius. Rome, give me a call or shoot me a text if you want to walk the girls tonight.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you later,” I told the older man.
“It was nice meeting you too, Howie,” Julius said warmly.
Howie whistled as he walked away, making me smile.
“Have you been friends with Howie for long?”
“No, and we didn’t get off to a very good start, either.” Then I told Julius about overhearing his conversation with Irv. He threw his head back and laughed at the Dr. Fancy Pants remark. “Don’t think you can start calling me that now,” I warned.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Julius replied, but his wry smile said otherwise.
“His friend, Irv, explained to me that Howie hadn’t been himself since his wife died, and grief is something I know well. Howie apologized to me the next time he saw me, and we struck up a conversation about life after losing someone special. From there, a beautiful friendship developed.”
Julius searched my eyes, and I could tell he was curious about the special person I’d lost. He might’ve asked me, but Maegan approached the table with his chai latte and muffin. Julius pulled his hand free of mine to accept his breakfast.
Had he asked, I would’ve answered, even though it might not have been the best topic to discuss on our getting-to-know-you-over-coffee-and-pastries date. I knew in my heart Peter was looking down and smiling on me. He would’ve been the first person to give me a verbal kick in the ass and demand I didn’t grieve my life away. He would’ve wanted me to live well enough for both of us.
Because I wanted to keep the tone light, I shifted gears away from heavier topics to focus on the one thing we certainly had in common. “How’s the music coming along for the play?”
“I’m finished,” he said after taking a sip of his latte. “These kids are crazy talented, aren’t they?”
“Absolutely,” I agreed. “Does the play director get to hear the music early?” I was dying to hear what he came up with.
Julius blushed and took a deep breath. “That’s always the hardest part.”
“Letting others hear the music you create?”
“Yes. It’s so personal.”
“I didn’t mean to put pressure on you,” I assured him.
“I have to let someone hear it sooner or later. That’s the purpose of creating music, right?” Julius looked at his latte like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.
“Yes, but it doesn’t have to be me. I’m sure Clara, Ellie, and Curtis would love to be the ones who hear it first. It would only be fair.”
He slowly lifted his head and met my gaze. The morning sun made his hazel eyes look gold. “I would like for it to be you.” Excited energy pulsed through my blood because I knew what a big moment this was for us. He was trusting me with something precious. Julius pulled his phone out of his pocket and his AirPods out of another. He handed the AirPods to me, and I slid them into my ears while he worked on his phone. When he finished, he laid it in front of me. All I had to do was tap the play button on his phone and I would hear pieces of his soul.
I kept my eyes locked on his while I tapped the phone to begin. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t the soulful sound of a cello and piano creating the most beautiful melody I’d ever heard. I closed my eyes and let it wash over me. I knew exactly which scenes the music went with and thought about the lyrics I had read. I heard the struggles the characters faced and the love and acceptance they found. It was pure perfection. I felt tears well in my eyes and opened them so Julius could see the way his music impacted me. He swallowed hard then smiled in relief.
Each song was more beautiful than the one before. “How?” I asked in a thick voice once the last note faded.
“I recorded the cello parts first and then the piano. Then I used software to put them together,” Julius replied.
“I meant how can any one person create anything this beautiful? This is just…stunning, Julius. Can I please have a copy of the recording?”
“I will make a copy for each of us once the kids approve it. They might want to make changes.” I shook my head.
“You don’t think they’ll want to change anything?”
Maybe they would, but that wasn’t what I meant. “I want the version that came straight from your heart.”
He studied me for a few more minutes. “I’ll email you a link to download the music.”
“Thank you.” I knew it might be too much too soon, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from asking. “What are you doing this afternoon?”
“I’m going to my brother’s college football game in a little bit. He plays cornerback for UC. I actually need to get going soon.”
“Afterward?” I asked, unwilling to give up quite yet.
“I don’t have any plans.”
“What do you think about chicken Parmesan?”
Julius grinned. “I love it.”
“My place at seven?”
Julius opened the notes app on his phone and asked me to enter my address for him. Once I finished, he asked, “Do you like red wine or white?”
“Surprise me.”