It took a while after Liam before I dated seriously again. Senior year, I was in love with Trip Jacobs. He was the captain of the basketball team and one of the most popular guys on campus. He was cute with blond hair and hazel eyes. For months, my world revolved around basketball leagues. I never missed a game. I especially loved it when he shot three points, looked at the crowd at the bleachers where he knew I would be sitting, tapped his heart and then gave a thumbs-up sign. I knew that was meant for me.
After Liam, I dated another guy before Trip. David was head of the debate team. He was smart and funny as well as cute. I thought we had a connection. We went out for the whole year. Then he went to a ski trip with his family. I saw less of him after that. And then one night, he had a glum look on his face and told me that he hadn’t been honest with me. He’d been seeing someone else behind my back. He ended it with her, but he wanted to be honest with me. He said that it was just all sex and nothing else, and it was over. But I couldn’t take him back after that. I could not bring myself to kiss him knowing that he might have been kissing someone else or doing worse things with her.
“Now I’m dating the hottest guy in school.”
“No offense, sweetie, but I do not think he’s the hottest guy on campus,” Cindy said. “He’s hot, yes. But not really the hottest.”
“He’s the hottest of all my boyfriends,” I said.
“I don’t know. You have a thing for blond guys. I find them…a little meek.” She giggled.
“Okay, if Trip is not the hottest guy in campus, then who is? I mean…he’s the captain of the basketball team, he has a Porsche, he’s a straight-A student, and he looks like Barbie’s Ken with hazel eyes.”
“Well, you know me. We’ve always had different tastes. I wonder why we’re best friends.”
I laughed. “All right. I wonder who you find worthy of being called the ‘hottest’ guy in campus, then?”
She stared at the ceiling thoughtfully and then said, “Travis Cross.”
“Amen!” Amanda Jones, who had her locker beside Cindy’s, said. She beamed at us. “No offense, either, Brianne. Trip is hot. But Travis Cross? Out-of-this-world hot!” Then she walked away.
Well, I guess even I couldn’t refute that. Travis was easily the hottest guy I’d met, but growing up with him and hating him from the beginning, and now thinking of him as a sort of replacement brother and guardian to me, made it difficult for me to look at him in a sexual way.
“If Travis Cross was my safety guy, honey, I’d do whatever it took to stay single until the deadline so he’d be honor-bound to marry me!” Cindy teased.
“Then I’ll die a virgin!” I said, rolling my eyes.
“You’re still a virgin?” Mich Jackson, who had her locker beside mine, asked.
I stared at her and then at Cindy. “Is it eavesdropping day today?”
Mich laughed. “It’s eavesdropping day every day, sweetie.” She laughed and then looked at me again. “So are you?”
“With all due respect, it’s none of your business.”
“Well, I hope nothing’s wrong with you. No wonder David and Liam screwed around. Word of advice, honey: Don’t stay a virgin for too long. Men these days prefer a vixen in bed, not a little girl at slumber parties.” Then she strode off.
I looked at Cindy and she was eyeing me wearily. “What?” I asked.
“I hate to admit it, but she has a point. I lost mine two years ago. My brother’s best friend was so hot and my parents’ bed seemed so tempting.”
“Cindy!”
She laughed. “It’s no big deal, Brianne. Nowadays, if you haven’t gone to bed with a guy, it may mean that there’s something wrong with you. Either you don’t have the capability of being aroused or you cannot seduce a guy to…do things to you.”
“I didn’t want to just give myself to a guy who would cheat on me the next day.”
“I gave mine to someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, so he couldn’t really cheat on me.”
“I don’t want to give it to a random guy, either.”
“Ouch!” Cindy feigned an offended look. “He’s not some random guy! He’s…a good friend. He won’t disappear from my life overnight, and since we’re not dating, he’s not gonna cheat on me. Brilliant, isn’t it?”
I rolled my eyes. Then Trip’s handsome grin appeared in my mind, and suddenly I became excited. “Well, prom is just around the corner.”
“You want your first time to be magical?”
“I want it to be special. I want to remember it someday, have a smile on my face and think…‘Wow! That was good!’ Even if I don’t end up marrying the guy, at least I won’t have regrets.”
***
“Oh my God, Brianne, I think you’re the talk of the town!” Cindy called me that evening. “I got a broadcast message in my mail. And I think it’s about you.”
I went to my laptop and checked my mail. True enough, our Campus Bulletin showed this broadcast message: Virgin Mary. Guess whose virtue has no takers? Clue: Bubble Gum girl who sports a boy’s nickname.
“This bulletin is supposed to be for important stuff. Like dances, fairs, and competition schedules. Who the hell posts gossip like this?” I asked angrily.
“But this section is a hit! That’s why they didn’t abolish it. Kids at school probably only subscribe to the bulletin because of the gossip.”
“Okay, so who cares if I’m still a virgin?” I turned off my laptop, not letting this further affect me.
“About a hundred other people,” Cindy replied weakly.
“What?”
“Let’s see. Three hundred hits and a hundred comments.”
“What are they saying?”
“They’re justifying why David and Liam cheated on you. And some others are betting on how long it will take for Trip to…slam dunk.”
“Holy shit!”
I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. “Kids can be so mean!” Cindy said sympathetically. “There’s really nothing wrong with being a virgin at eighteen. So you’re inexperienced. So what? That doesn’t mean you’re frigid or unwanted.”
I was on the verge of crying. For a while, I had been proud that I remained untouched. But now I wished I’d given in to David’s advances or even Trip’s subtle hints at going to bed. Why was there so much pressure on this in the first place?
I could not believe I was the subject of such mean gossip. The whole campus could be a bunch of sluts and whores for all I care. Why did they have to curse me for trying to be different?
I didn’t want my first time to be meaningless. I was curious about sex, but I wanted it to be with someone who had respect for me. Who would not use my body as just a means of pleasure and nothing more. I wanted it to mean something to him, too. And I wanted to share it with some guy who would always be dear to me whenever I thought of him.
Was I the only one on campus who was a virgin? Why did kids have to make so much of an issue out of this? Why did they care? And why did gossip have to be in print nowadays?
I felt like everybody had been talking about me in every conversation at the moment. And my lack of sex life was the center of attention. Whoever said that there was no pressure to lose their virginity nowadays could kiss my ass! It was happening now. Sure, they didn’t tell you to do it. They just judged you or gossiped about you if you didn’t. What’s the freaking difference?
I got hold of my brush and painted a roomful of flowers and candles in perfect romantic hues. I didn’t know why, but suddenly, inspiration came over me and I imagined a marbled room, a king-sized bed, flowers, and candles. I guess lovemaking was also on my mind. I was imagining how I wanted it to be. As I looked at it, I couldn’t imagine how kids could bear to lose theirs in an attic or in the back of a car.
As I thought about it, I got angrier. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I wasn’t even aware of it. The last thing I wanted was to be the talk of the town…especially when it came to being unwanted. My family had a lame tradition of marrying young and being wanted before the age of thirty-one. I just wanted to be invisible. I didn’t want to be the center of attention or unwanted talk at all. But with my dating history, I’d provided everybody at school some juicy things to talk about.
I felt an arm around my shoulder, giving me a squeeze. I was startled to realize that I was no longer alone. I looked up and found Travis looking down at me wearily.
“I was staring at your painting and I don’t get it. I don’t get how you can cry over a…bed,” he said.
I narrowed my eyes and gave him a playful jab in the stomach.
“Ouch!” he said, but he only squeezed my shoulder tighter. “So tell me. What is it about that bed that you found so utterly offensive it made you cry so hard?”
I stared at my painting, leaned my head in Travis’s shoulder, and heaved a sigh. “The whole town is talking about me. It’s embarrassing!”
He was thoughtful for a moment, and then he said, “What’s embarrassing about not being a slut?”
I stared up at him. “You heard?” He didn’t answer. I pulled away from him. “Then I’m truly dead! Travis Cross, the guy who cares the least about campus gossip, heard about my untouched virtue—then everybody must know! Trip must know!”
He snorted. “If I were Jacobs, I would be…proud. My hot girlfriend is not a slut.”
Now I smiled. “Really?”
He shrugged. “If I were Jacobs. But I’m not. So I can’t speak for the guy.”
And somehow, I was positive that if Travis, who was a ruthless rake at the age of eighteen, could think that, then my gentler boyfriend would definitely think that way…maybe even more so.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” I asked him.
He shrugged. He walked over to the rails of my balcony and stared at the houses in front of mine. “This used to be my second home,” he murmured. There was pain in his voice.
“You don’t come here anymore.”
“Your living room has less light than it used to have.”
I nodded. “Yes. We don’t have dinners together anymore. It’s not like before.”
“Where are your parents?”
I sighed. “Mom’s opened a new branch in Manhattan. Dad’s…probably with his mistress.” Yes, my mother tried to play dumb about my father’s conquests—I was less tolerant.
Travis stared at me for a moment and then asked, “Cook your famous meatloaf for me?”
When Tom was alive, we had Meatloaf Friday. I would cook and we would all sit and enjoy dinner together…as a complete family, including Travis.
I stared up at Travis. I knew we were thinking of the same thing. And I realized it was Friday today. Tears filled my eyes. The more I looked at Travis, the more I remembered Thomas…and how happy this family had been.
Travis’s eyes were also teary. He reached out and wiped my cheeks with his fingers. Then he gave me a hug. I wound my arms around his waist and cried against his chest…for the happy family that I used to have…for the wonderful brother who left me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered to me. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
I shook my head and pulled away from him. “No. It’s okay. Remembering him doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on. You promised him you’d take care of me. I’ll do what I can to look out for you, too—not that you need it.” I giggled humorlessly. “This will always be your second home, Travis. You can come and go as you like. Thomas would want that.”
He smiled, then leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
I took his hand in mine. “Come. Our dining table has been unoccupied for a very long time. And I haven’t cooked meatloaf in years.”