Wednesday, I surprised Chris by showing up in his office. He was having a chat with one of his lady colleagues. He was surprised when he saw me at the door of his office.
“Brianne!” he beamed. He came to me and gave me a kiss. “I thought we weren’t meeting until seven.”
“I thought I should pick you up for a change,” I said. “I hope it’s not a bad time.”
He shook his head. “It’s perfect!” He turned to the blonde sitting in his office. “Alana, this is my girlfriend, Brianne.”
Alana was a beautiful blonde with startling blue eyes. She was wearing a pencil-cut suit that hugged her body to perfection. She smiled at me brightly. “It’s nice to finally put a face to the name. I’ve heard so much about you.”
She extended her hand to me and I shook it. Standing beside Alana made me feel out of place. I was wearing a pair of skintight jeans and an off-the-shoulder floral blouse, a Juicy Couture cross-body bag, and no make-up at all. My hair was tied in a careless ponytail with some tendrils loose around my face. She was wearing an Armani suit and perfect makeup, not a single hair out of place.
Seeing her made me feel that I should have dressed up more, so Chris and I would look…more suited for each other. But I guessed it was too late for that now. I told myself I should tab that thought for next time.
Chris left early and we had dinner together. Even then, I felt like he was lost in his thoughts, like something was really bothering him.
“Is this still about my aunt’s anniversary?” I asked him when he took me back to my apartment.
He shook his head. “I’m just tired. I have a lot of pressure at work.”
“Do you want to stay the night?” I asked him. “I can help take your mind off the pressure.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t bring a…condom,” he said.
I was taken aback. It was the last thing I expected him to say.
“Well, we did that once before. I’m pretty sure it isn’t that time of the month for me.”
Chris shook his head. “It’s best we take extra care,” he said. “It’s…too early for that kind of pressure.”
“What pressure?” I asked him.
“Family,” he sighed.
“When I asked you to stay the night, I didn’t say ‘Come, impregnate me!’” I said in an irritated voice.
He took a deep breath. “Either way, I’ll see you tomorrow. I have tons of things I need to sort out.”
He left without another argument. When I went to bed alone that night, I tried to remember when Chris started acting differently.
It started the morning that Travis’s package arrived. But then again, we didn’t talk or argue about Travis anymore. I thought it had to be something else. And when did he ever find the idea of sleeping together abhorrent? Or pressuring? He never did before. But now…it seemed like he was avoiding it. Why?
***
I didn’t see Chris for another two days. I made no effort to call or text him. He had issues to sort out. I wanted to give him space to think and realize that he was being ridiculous.
My phone rang, and my heart jumped. Finally! He was calling me! But it wasn’t Chris.
“I’ll be in town tonight, cherie. But my flight to New York leaves at three in the morning. Just thought I’d catch up with you,” Travis said on the other line.
My heart immediately gave a leap. I felt like crying. I realized I’d just missed him so much.
“Pick me up?”
“Fifteen minutes.”
I was on my front steps in ten minutes, waiting for Travis. I was dressed in a long floral skirt and a white sleeveless top. I wasn’t wearing any makeup. Whenever I was with Travis, I didn’t have to worry about what I wore at all. There was no pressure to look suited for each other. And that felt comforting. With Travis, I didn’t have to hide who I was, or pretend to be something I wasn’t.
After two minutes, a red Ferrari parked in front of me. He got out of the car wearing a pair of jeans and a black jacket, which made his hair look darker.
“Cherie...” he greeted me in a low voice.
I gave him a tight hug. “I missed you,” I said to him. “You should come visit me more often.”
He raised a brow. “Why, I thought you had a boyfriend.”
“I do,” I said. “But you’re irreplaceable.”
“Don’t scare me,” he said. “I hope you’re not prepping me for a big favor I can’t say no to.”
I laughed and pulled away from him. “Of course not!”
He opened the passenger door for me.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“Have you eaten?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Let’s go to dinner and then we can have coffee. Unfortunately, I can’t drink. Flight schedule’s a bummer.”
Travis told me how successful he was becoming in his business. He’d been having some battles with his father, but he was winning most of them. He sounded focused and determined to prove his father wrong. I could sense the antagonism in him every time he mentioned him.
“Why do you have to fight with your father all the time?” I asked him. “Why is it your mission to see him on the ground?”
He had a hard expression on his face. “It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it, you know.” I could see anger and resentment on his face again.
“Travis...when will you stop this?”
I reached forward and touched his cheek with my palm. I thought he was going to pull away. But instead, he held his hand up to hold my hand between his cheek and his palm. He closed his eyes for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. To my surprise, he turned sideways and kissed my palm. Then he released my hand and gave me a sober, pleading look.
He shook his head. “Don’t ask me that, Brianne,” he said to me. “My mother has been begging me to reconcile with my dad. She hasn’t succeeded. But I beg you not to ask me the same thing.”
I bit my lip. It was touching to know that somehow, he still felt he couldn’t deny me anything. And I knew I would not ask him to do it unless I understood the real reasons behind it.
“Not now,” I said to him.
He took a sip of his coffee. “So, how’s the boyfriend?”
I shrugged. “Something’s off. Lately, he’s been acting weird,” I said. “I think he suddenly realized your existence in my life and he’s…jealous.”
“I told you, you should have stuck it out with Eric!” he said, but I knew he was joking.
“Eric must have been more interested in you, you know,” I giggled.
“But he’s a nice guy,” Travis said. “I want to meet this Christian.”
“Why? You’re going to have him background-checked?” I asked him.
“What makes you so sure I didn’t do that two years ago when you started dating him seriously?” he challenged me.
“Travis!” I glared at him, daring him to deny it.
He took another sip of his coffee and didn’t say anything.
“Unbelievable!” I muttered. “When will you stop?”
“Never,” he said under his breath. The serious look on his face made me feel that he meant that.
“And what did you find out about Chris?”
“Did I make an effort to warn you or tell you to stay away?” he asked. “I’m only after your safety, Brianne. Your relationships are still your own business. And speaking of relationships, shouldn’t you be concerned about how fast this Christian will propose to you?”
I stared back at him. “Why would I worry about that?”
“Because, you’re twenty-eight now, cherie,” he said. “Tic-tock, tic-tock.”
I remembered I’d told Christian about the fact that women in my family had to marry before they turn thirty-one. And apart from being jealous about Travis, Christian had also acted off when I asked him to sleep over. He’d immediately told me that he didn’t have a condom with him and that he didn’t want to take that much of a risk.
Now, I guessed I knew what he was cranky about. He thought there was pressure to settle down, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready.
“Do you want to live with this guy for the rest of your life?” Travis asked me solemnly.
I bit my lip. Do I? Am I ready to get married and stay married, have kids, raise a family? And more importantly, with Christian? Am I going to be happy for the rest of my life…with him?
Travis sat back in his seat, reading my expression like a book. “Hmmm…interesting.”
“What am I doing, Travis?” I asked him.
He reached out for my hand. “Living your life. Not letting the burden of your family tradition affect you. It’s not easy to say the person you’re with is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. For some, it’s easy. For most, it’s too damn hard. I think you need more time, Brianne.”
“But I don’t have time,” I said to him.
The expression on his face was hard to read. He squeezed my hand. “You do,” he said. “But I can’t tell you what to do. You have to figure out this one yourself.”
I hugged Travis tightly when he dropped me off at my doorstep.
“I’ll miss you,” I said to him. “Please come more often.”
“Your boyfriend will not like that.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll handle that.”
He kissed my forehead. “Stay safe, and call me anytime you need me.”
“I love you, Travis.”
He smiled at me. “I love you too, Brianne.”
When he left, I wanted to cry. What was I doing? I was dating a guy who had changed me more in two years than anyone had in all my twenty-eight years. I couldn’t even see myself being happily married to him yet. He wasn’t even close to proposing to me. And I hadn’t even begun wondering how much my relationship with Travis would change if Christian proposed and I said yes.
Travis was right. I needed more time to figure out my life. I wasn’t ready to spend the rest of it with one guy. I wasn’t sure that Chris was the one for me. And I was positive he wasn’t sure he wanted me forever, either. But I had to decide soon…or I would be cursed for life.
***
Chris knocked on my door the next day.
“Finally, you showed up,” I said. My voice was cold, and I was determined to let him know that I wasn’t happy he’d made no effort to contact me.
He marched inside my apartment. When he turned to me, his face was flushed and he looked furious.
“Is this your Travis Cross?” he asked and showed me a picture on a magazine.
I snatched the magazine from him and stared at the picture of Travis with a headline that read, The New Generation of Cross Magnates: Younger. Richer. Smarter.
I skimmed through the article. It was a write-up of the major changes that had been made to Cross Magnates since Travis had bought out the majority of their shareholders in his brilliant move to kick his father out.
I looked at the portrait of the cold, manipulative man next to the article. He was handsome as hell. But his eyes lacked the warmth they usually had whenever he looked at me.
I looked back at Chris and handed him the magazine.
“Yes,” I said.
“You were with him last night, weren’t you?” he asked.
“How did you…”
“I was about to surprise you,” he said. “I was thinking, this guy could look geeky anyway—maybe I was being silly. I was just about to park in front of the building when I saw a Ferrari stop in front of you and its young, handsome driver give you a hug as if he wouldn’t ever let you go! And that’s when the plate that said TJCROSS caught my eye! I realized you’d been lying about him the whole time!”
“What? Lying? What did I lie about?”
“You told me nothing was going on between the two of you!” he spat back at me.
“There’s nothing!” I insisted.
“I followed you! I watched you! You two sure like touching each other!”
I laughed humorlessly. “We’re affectionate with each other! But then again, don’t you get affectionate with your relatives? Closest friends? I hug Eric when I see him, too, and that doesn’t seem to be a problem with you.”
“Eric is gay!” He showed me the picture of Travis in the magazine again. “This guy is straight! He looked like he’d just stepped off the cover of a magazine, he drives a Ferrari, and he’s a billionaire! He’s what every guy aims to be before they’re forty! And he’s only twenty-nine!”
“I cannot help your insecurity, Chris! But I don’t think we should argue about this anymore! Travis is a part of me! He’s a part of my family, the people I hold dear. If we’re going to be together, you must accept him. And you have to trust that we’re platonic—nothing else!”
I motioned for him to go. He didn’t argue. He closed the door behind him with a bang.
***
I had dinner with Eric the next day. I talked to him about my fight with Chris. He smiled at me apologetically. “Chris is very ambitious. He loves you. And he’s very proud. I guess he needs to resolve this within himself. He feels insecure. Travis is that one guy a boyfriend doesn’t want his girlfriend to ever know in her life. He’s…too much competition! The only way the guy will feel safe about Travis Cross is if his girlfriend is Travis’s sister or cousin. Other than that, there’s just no way. I mean…he’s as handsome as Lucifer himself! He’s brilliant. Some business critics call him a genius. And he’s a billionaire!
“And that’s driving Christian crazy. If I were straight, I would have felt the same way when you introduced Travis to me. I wouldn’t have felt right. I would never believe that two gorgeous people wouldn’t have the hots for each other at some point, at least once in their lives!”
My phone rang, and it interrupted my thoughts. I had taken a deep breath before I answered Chris’s call.
“Hello.”
“How was he in bed?” his voice sounded rough, as if he was drunk.
“What?”
“How was Travis Cross in bed?” he repeated and then he laughed bitterly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chris!”
“Don’t lie!” he said. “Cindy told me.”
“Cindy told you what? I haven’t seen Cindy in months!”
“She’s visited for a day,” Chris said. “And just enough for me to find out about your past, Brianne!”
“What past?”
“I said don’t lie!” he shouted. “You slept with Travis Cross! The lucky bastard! He’s smart, he’s rich, he’s successful, he’s handsome…and he was your first, wasn’t he?”
My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt like all the blood in my body had drained completely.
“It’s not true what you said to me! All this brotherly, platonic shit!” he said angrily. “You’re attracted to him, and I’m pretty sure he wants you, too! Cindy told me you were pretty tight in high school! And you were the reason why Travis Cross went to Yale when he was set to go to Brown! Because he wanted to be close to you! What guarantee do we have that you only slept with each other at prom? Nothing! For all I know, you could be…fuck buddies!”
“Stop that, Chris!” I raised my voice this time. “That was a long time ago! Nothing’s happening now! I swear to God! Travis and I will never happen!”
“Well, if that is true, you’re just gonna have to choose! Him or me? Decide now! If you choose me, you are forbidden to see him or talk to him, email him or text him. I cannot allow that!”
I stared at Eric helplessly. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You can’t ask me to do this, Chris.”
“But I am! It’s the only way we can be together! I cannot allow anything that has to do with Travis Cross!” He took a deep breath. “I can’t look at him and not think about how he turned you from a girl to a woman! That he’s been inside you. That the first man you ever trusted your body with was him! That’s too…much! Too much! So, choose!”
I took a quick moment to imagine my life with Travis. It was the way it used to be. Safe. Comforting. I had a family. I had somebody who could read me like a book, protect me with his life and make me laugh out of my wits. Who would inspire me to turn even my darkest paintings into colorful pictures of sunshine and happiness.
Then I imagined my life without Travis, and I felt like my heart had just shattered into a million pieces. It was like losing my childhood, my family…it hurt the same way it did when I lost Tom. My stomach twisted into knots and I almost forgot how to breathe. My heart felt so heavy and there was a lump in my throat. And suddenly, I knew the answer to Chris’s question.
“I love you, Chris,” I said to him. I took a deep breath. “But I cannot live in a world where Travis Cross does not exist. You can’t ask me to give up a huge part of me and expect me to live a normal life.”
Chris took a deep breath as if he hadn’t expected me to say what I’d said. “He’s more important to you than anything else. Brianne…two weeks ago, he was just an ‘old friend’ that you caught up with once a month! How did I not see this coming? How did I not know that there was this other guy who meant the world to you?”
“You would, if you paid more attention to me,” I murmured. I realized it was true. Chris didn’t care about what was going on in my life. It took him two and half years to show his face to my family. He never asked me about the friends I saw, hung out with, or caught up with. He was always content with the fact that I was changing myself and my ways for him.
“Damn it, Brianne!” he cursed. “How could this guy ruin us? He was stealing you from under my nose!”
Travis was right. Our relationship was difficult for some guys to understand or accept. That’s why he kept a safe distance from me. Without telling me, I realized then that he’d drawn boundaries between us. He hadn’t turned up on my dates with Chris. He only showed up once or twice a month, and he didn’t demand that I spend too much time with him. Because he wanted to give me a chance to make this work. But still…my relationship with Chris was pretty messed up. Because Chris was one insecure, self-centered man. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.
“I meant it when I said that I wasn’t cheating on you. I’ve never cheated on anybody. Travis and I are friends…the best of friends. He didn’t want to touch me! But I asked him to, because I was young and stupid and under the pressure of high school immaturity. Maybe Cindy should have told you that part. Maybe you should have asked her for the full story.” I was sobbing but fought to keep a steady voice. “I love you, Chris. But I choose Travis.” And I hung up on him.
I stared at Eric brokenly. He inched closer and put an arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my raging emotions. I didn’t know how to feel. Devastated? Confused? Angry? Relieved?
“Things will be okay,” Eric said. “Either Chris comes to his senses…or Travis comes to his—although I’m hoping it will be the latter.”
I pulled away from Eric. “Shut up, Eric! You know very well that Travis and I are just friends.”
“I know you are,” he said. He sighed. “But nobody could take care of you better than Travis could, you know?”
“I don’t need just that, Eric. I need somebody who could also love me…exclusively. Somebody I can fall in love with, and somebody who can fall in love with me.”
“What did you and Christian break up over?”
I took a deep breath. I could feel something twist inside my chest. If I hadn’t been resting my head on Eric’s shoulder, I would have been afraid of fainting. “He found out about prom.”
“What about it?”
“Travis…and I…we slept together at prom.”
There was silence and Eric stood still. I pulled away from him and stared at his shocked expression.
“That’s bad!” I groaned. “But I was young. I was…immature! I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. I’d been hoping to sleep with him. I was probably the only girl in school who was a virgin! And then the guys were making bets on who could take my V-card. I was stupid!” I sighed. “I asked Travis to help me out. He didn’t want to. But when he found out that the guy taking me to prom was in on the bet, he beat him up and told me to dump the guy! He took me to prom instead.”
“And so…he took you to bed, too?”
I sighed and then I nodded. “But it was just one night. It was against his will! He almost couldn’t do it!” I laughed humorlessly. “I have no memories of Travis’s face in bed. He wanted both of us not to remember that night. He blindfolded me. He kept his eyes closed during the act. He didn’t want us to mention each other’s names. He turned off all the lights afterward, and it was impossible to see the face of the guy sleeping beside me.
“Then he didn’t show up for weeks. When we saw each other again…all memories were forgotten. I’m not even sure it was Travis at all! All I know is that…I was with a guy on prom night. He made love to me. He taught me what to expect when a man and a woman come together in bed. He made my first time romantic because he said I deserved it.” I shook my head. “But I’m not supposed to remember. I’ve never spoken about it with him. Travis and I don’t see each other that way.”
Eric stared at me wearily. “Did you forget?”
I laughed humorlessly again. “I didn’t have a choice! I…was blindfolded! I never saw his body touching mine! I didn’t see him over me, kissing me, or entering me. I have no memories of making love to Travis. I have memories of making love for the first time…being with a guy for the first time…but I can’t place Travis’s face with the memory. I’m sure he didn’t even take a peek at my face that night. Otherwise, he would never have been able to touch me. He’d be too guilty. Travis valued his friendship with Tom more than anything. He felt he was betraying Tom by touching me.”
“Why did you choose Travis?”
I sighed. “Because I cannot be with a guy who could ask me to give up whatever is left of my ties with my family…whatever is left of my ties with Tom,” I replied. “Travis took care of me when my parents couldn’t…wouldn’t. When I lost Tom, Travis eased so much of the pain! We may not be related by blood, but we have this bond now. I cannot be with a guy who would be selfish enough to ask me to sever those bonds!”
Eric nodded. “I understand. Chris is insecure, but that’s not reason enough to ask so much from you. Give him time. He might come back to his senses.”
When I went home that night, my heart still felt heavy. I wanted to strangle Cindy for betraying me…for not leaving it up to me to tell Christian about that night with Travis. But then again, I wasn’t even sure I planned to tell Christian…or anyone for that matter…about prom night. I was not supposed to remember…I was supposed to forget.
And although that night was probably the most amazing night I’d spent with a man…I couldn’t remember Travis in it. That guy had unnerved me, brought my emotions back to life, made me scream, made me whimper, made me want to stay in his arms forever. It was romantic, sensual, terrifying…it was exciting, addicting…it was everything I’d ever dreamt of and more…so much more.
I was pretty sure no other night with any other guy could measure up with that night. But I didn’t know that guy’s name. I couldn’t place Travis in that memory. He was so much different from that guy I went to bed with. The Travis I knew now would never touch me like that. Even if I begged him to!
I thought about Chris and all his promises, all the nights that we spent together. I realized that I was counting on the relationship to last. Long enough to get me through my family tradition. I realized that I was hoping that after one more year with Chris, he’d be ready to propose to me. But even that would have been a mistake. Travis was right. I did change so much because of him.
Another pain stabbed through my heart. I remembered decorating the apartment with him. He helped me choose the furniture. The whole apartment was a shade of earth tones. Formal. Calm. Professional. So much like Chris! He had such mature taste. I gave up the neon lights because I wanted to fit into Chris’s world…to fit his taste. So he would love me enough to want to marry me and save me from my family’s curse.
I was deeply saddened, and I felt alone. I wanted to cry, but the tears still wouldn’t come. Maybe I was mad at Chris! Maybe it hadn’t sunk in yet. Maybe I was in shock!
I had a hot bath, and then I slipped into a comfortable cotton spaghetti-strap cami and matching shorts. I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. I didn’t think I could sleep in the bed now. The memory of Chris would haunt me, and I knew I would never be able to sleep.
The doorbell rang and I jumped in surprise. I looked at the clock on my wall; it was one in the morning. My heart pounded in my chest.
Chris!
Had he changed his mind? Had he come to tell me he was sorry?
I was shaking when I went to the door. I took one deep breath before I turned the knob and opened it.
My breath caught in my throat. All of a sudden, I realized just how lost I’d really felt all those years. And how sad I really was. It felt like my world was crumbling! I felt like I’d lived in Chris’s world for two years, and now I was on my own in the world he molded for me, and I didn’t know how to live there alone. And I needed someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be all right.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be caught by Travis. He enclosed me in his arms, kept me warm as if he were telling me that I didn’t have to worry. Even if my deadline was looming over me, I didn’t have to worry about another failed relationship. He was there. And no matter what happened, I would be safe.
He lifted me off my feet and carried me. He settled me on the couch, took off his jacket, and gathered me in his arms again. I closed my eyes, inhaled his scent, lost myself, and finally…I was able to cry my heart out.