Chapter 16
Keep Up the Good Work
Istifled a yawn as I sat down in class Wednesday morning.
“Late night?” Erica asked.
“Yeah. I was up typing that.” I nodded over to where Hobart was guarding our latest stack of assignments.
“Me too,” Ruby covered her own yawn. “And I kept hearing these weird noises. Like someone was having toilet issues in the apartment above me.”
“Weird,” both Erica and I stated.
“And we all know that Erica was up last night,” I commented.
“Nah. Bacon and I got into a fight.”
“Again?” Ruby was about to say something else, but instead her gaze fell over my right shoulder.
I followed her eyes. Dr. Hobart was standing behind me. She tapped on the desk next to my notebook. “Meet in my office after class.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway.
Erica’s raised her eyebrows at me and then tilted her head at Hobart’s retreating form. I shrugged.
After class, I nervously approached Dr. Hobart’s office. If I was about to get in trouble for talking, it wasn’t fair that Erica and Ruby got off. I must have stood in the open doorway for a full minute as she finished writing something in red ink.
“Tamara,” she said, sweeping her arm toward a hard-backed chair on the side of her desk.
I sat as she pulled my Anastasia paper out from a manila folder. “I gave very little direction for this paper on purpose.”
“Oh,” was all that came out of my mouth. Had I misinterpreted her instructions?
“And you took it and ran with it.”
I had to swallow before I could muster another, “Oh.”
“This is brilliant work. The research is well done and the citations are spot on.”
The “Oh,” that followed had a different tone than the preceding ones. “Thank you,” I added.
She took her glasses off and laid them on the desk before facing me. “Your background is biology?”
“Marine bio,” I affirmed.
She put her the tip of her pen in her mouth, in the most human-like gesture I’d seen thus far. “I personally believe biology will be the most important subject in the 21st century, what with the advances in genetics that will follow. The Human Genome Project, designer babies, microevolution, all have the power to change our way of living,” she sounded off. “And you,” here she took the pen out of her mouth and pointed at me, “are going to communicate that to the public.”
“Thank you,” I said again. After the words left my mouth, I wondered if they were an appropriate reply or not.
“I have connections with both Discover and Scientific American. If your writing continues along this vein,” she picked up my paper and handed it to me, “I don’t think an internship would be out of the question at all.”
I puzzled out her double negative and realized that she was suggesting I could land an internship at a prestigious science magazine.
I hesitated using, “Thank you,” for a third time. After all, Hobart was under the impression that I had a way with words. “I appreciate your faith in my writing ability,” I said after a moment.
“Keep up the good work.” She uncapped her red pen and poised it over another paper as I got up to leave. Was is just me or did her words have an ominous tone to them?
I turned on my computer to check my e-mail when I got home. There was nothing from anyone named Joshua in my in-box, so I decided to celebrate my good fortune with Hobart by taking a nap before my afternoon class. I’d no sooner put my head to the pillow when I heard a strange noise. The apartments in the Village weren’t well insulated, but it was an oddity to hear much during the day when most of my neighbors were in class. Now it sounded as if someone had stuck a plunger in the toilet next door. I heard it again. It sounded like whoever it was had major issues with their plumbing. I put my second pillow over my head and managed to fall asleep. When I woke up and walked out of my bedroom, the sounds were louder, as if water were leaking. Oh god, what if it’s my toilet that’s bubbling over? I shut my eyes as I approached the bathroom, picturing dirty water all over the floor. I didn’t even own a plunger. The toilet was silent, the bathroom floor dry, and yet the sounds continued. When I got to the living room, the noise was even louder. My computer was still on, the screen saver showing rolling waves. Oh no! Apparently that screensaver had accompanying sounds, which I never knew because I had my speakers plugged in wrong. Now that the computer guy had fixed it, the sounds of waves crashing were echoing through the building. Even Ruby had heard them. That was probably not the best way to ingratiate myself with my neighbors. I turned the sound on my speakers off.
Friday was not a good day. My credit card bill was due, so I figured I could just pay it online. But to set up online payments, I needed a bank routing number. Even though I got my bank account almost as soon as I moved here, my checks had never actually arrived. I hiked to the student union to see if the routing number would be on a receipt from the ATM, but as soon as I got there, I realized I’d left my wallet in my apartment by the computer. I had to go all the way back to the Village to grab it and then hike back up the hill to the Student Union. At that point I was close to tears. While I was waiting in line for the ATM, again, I could see a guy in line at the bookstore staring at someone in my vicinity. As I shuffled forward, the guy moved an arm to wave. I ignored him, figuring this campus was so large it couldn’t have been someone I knew. E-C had a tenth as many students, and I usually never ran into people I wanted to—only people I didn’t.
“Hey, Tammy.” I sighed inwardly as I turned. Of course it was Craig. He’d finished paying and now walked toward me, a plastic bag from the bookstore in his hand. “How are you doing?” The smile on his face could have either been a pleased-to-see-you beam, or else it was a big shit-eating we-almost-banged-and-now-we-both-can-say-hi-and-pretend-like-nothing-happened grin.
I decided to join in whatever game he was playing and shot him an equally enigmatic smile. “I’m good, thanks. How are you?” I prayed his was the former kind of grin and not the latter.
“You hanging out with Erica later?”
I shrugged as the person in front of me, money in hand, walked away.
“I’ll see you around then,” Craig said as I pulled my card out of my wallet.
I nodded, pretending to focus on entering my code into the ATM. Of course, my account had no money to take out, but Craig was long gone by the time I’d finished. The worst part was that my heart sort of fluttered when I saw it was him, and that means I might, maybe, just a little bit, have feelings for Craig. Dammit.
The awful day I had justified the many drinks I had later. We went to a Happy Hour at Saltines, which meant we started drinking at 3:30 in the afternoon. The fall semester was starting in a week so the bar was more packed than usual. Bacon met up with Erica, Ruby, and me.
After a few rounds of cards, Ruby asked Bacon where his roommate was.
“I think he has a late class on Fridays.”
Erica grabbed the deck and began dealing out another round. Someone knocked into our table. I turned to chew the person out. He was tall and well-built. “Is it your birthday?” he asked, touching my plastic tiara.
“No.”
“But you’re the Queen Bee, anyway.”
I glanced over at Erica, who was counting out cards. “Not really. I just like sparkly stuff.”
“I can tell.” He had an English accent. “What’s your name?”
“Tammy. What’s yours?”
“Andy.” He glanced at another guy at the bar, who beckoned him. “I have to go. We’re going to Coconuts later. Will you be there?”
“Maybe.”
“I hope so,” Andy shot over his shoulder as he walked away.
“He was cute,” Ruby offered.
I nodded. Tears inexplicably pricked at my eyes. I didn’t know much about the different regions in England, but Andy’s accent sounded just like Joshua’s. I closed my eyes against the sudden vision of Joshua picking up girls at random Happy Hours back home.
“Get control of it, Tammy,” someone whispered. I opened my eyes. Erica was staring at me.
“How did you know?”
She glanced at her cards and moved one of the end cards to the middle. “If you give in to it, he has the power.”
“I don’t care anymore,” I replied.
She put the rest of her cards on the table before reaching out to put her hand over mine. “Everything happens for a reason. Did you ever think that his dad got sick because you’re not supposed to be together?”
“No.” I pulled my hand away and grabbed my cards. “It’s my stupid guardian angel. She likes to play tricks on me. Joshua’s my soulmate.” The words flew out of my mouth without any conscious thought. I blamed it on the fact that I started drinking that day before elementary students are out of school. “Joshua made me believe in love.” I looked up at her. “Love is real, you know, Erica. It does exist. It sucks, but it’s real.”
Erica glanced over at Bacon and Ruby, who were deep in conversation. “It sucks all right.” She picked up her hand of cards again. “I think you and I deserve our own Prince Charmings. We’ve waited long enough.”
“I’ll never love anyone as much as I loved Joshua.”
Erica laid the Queen of Hearts in the middle of the table. “He’s not coming back.”
I placed the Ace of Spades on top of it. “He will someday.” A part of me, deep down, agreed with Erica, but I knew that if I let go of the idea that he was ever coming back, I had to let go of everything.
“Give it up, Tammy.” Bacon threw his arms out. “Look around you. As a marine biology major, you should realize there are plenty of fish in the sea.”
“Actually,” I leaned in toward him, intending to wax on about overfishing, but Bacon waved his hand at me as he continued, “I’m not saying you need to find your future husband, just someone to keep your bed warm tonight.”
“Shut-up, Bacon,” I told him.
“Craig thinks it’s too bad you’re so hung up on your ex-boyfriend.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Craig liked you—enough.” He emphasized the past tense of the word ‘like.’ But he said you’ve got this guy so high up on a pedestal that no one will ever compare.”
“Especially not some buck-toothed undergrad,” I threw back, suddenly angry. I glanced around the room to see if Andy was still there. I wanted to prove to Bacon that I didn’t need Craig. I spotted a familiar face a few tables away and immediately ducked my face under my short hair. It was too late: we’d made eye contact. In my peripheral, I could see him get up. I’d forgotten that U of M was his territory. I was frozen to the spot so I took a long sip of my beer.
He sat down in the empty chair next to Ruby.
“Well hello,” Erica said, flipping her hair back over her shoulder.
“Tamara?” he asked.
“Tama-ra?” Bacon echoed.
Erica’s eyed the newcomer up and down before locking her eyes on me. “Aren’t you going to introduce us, Tamara?”
I leaned forward. “Ladies, and Bacon, I’d like you to meet my twin sister’s boyfriend, Kellen.”
“Ex-boyfriend,” Kellen whispered.
“Oh, ex now? I’m sorry. I guess Kellen and Corrie are now broken up,” I stated, louder than necessary, to my companions.
“I didn’t even know you had a twin sister,” Erica said, staring at Kellen.
“We’re fraternal. We don’t act alike and we certainly don’t look alike, do we Kellen?”
The hurt was visible in his green eyes, but he refused to leave the table. “Where are you living, Tamara?”
“Tammy and I both live in the Graduate Village. I’m in Building B, she’s in A,” Erica replied.
“I’m in A, too.” Kellen faked a smile. “How are you doing, Tammy?” My nickname sounded foreign coming from him.
Bacon leaned forward. “We were just discussing how hung up Tammy is on her ex.”
Kellen looked at me, his face inscrutable. I waited for him to say something derogatory about Joshua, but he took a drink from his plastic cup instead.
“Did you know him?” Erica asked.
Kellen nodded but didn’t offer any further information. His eyes shifted back to me. I steeled my face under his scrutiny.
“Are you in grad school?” Ruby asked. She didn’t usually offer much, but just then I was grateful for the change of subject.
Kellen took another sip before replying, “Law school.” I might have been the only one at the table to hear the break in his voice.
“Oh,” Erica said.
Bacon got up from the table and sauntered over to the bar. Erica watched him, the hurt obvious in her eyes. “Be right back,” she said, getting up.
Ruby’s head ping-ponged back and forth between Kellen and me. Kellen’s eyes were glued to my face, but I refused to meet his glance. Instead, I watched Erica as she put a hand on Bacon’s arm. He shrugged it off.
“Looks like they’re fighting. Again,” I commented.
“Tamara, you’re not really still hung up on that Joshua guy, are you?” Kellen asked.
“It’s none of your business.”
“She is,” Ruby offered.
I lifted my eyes, figuring that Kellen’s were on Ruby’s. They were. His look was thoughtful, probably wondering what Ruby’s story was. I was about to pointedly ask Ruby how her boyfriend was when Erica returned to the table. “Time to go.” She reached for her purse, which was wrapped around the bar stool. She tugged at it and the stool tipped over. Kellen caught it before it hit the floor and set it upright.
I grabbed my wallet, once again grateful for the interruption. I looked at Kellen, eyebrows raised, as if I had no other choice but to leave. His look was still thoughtful. He tilted his cup and his head toward me at the same time, as if saying, what can you do? I could feel his eyes on my back as Ruby, Erica, and I bustled out of the bar.
“Are you okay?” I asked Erica once we were in out in the open air.
“Bacon thought I was flirting with your sister’s boyfriend.”
“Ex-boyfriend. And… really?” Erica had barely spoke to Kellen.
“I mean, he is cute, but I’m not that desperate.”
“C’mon,” Ruby said, grabbing Erica’s arm. “Let’s go to Coconuts.”
As it was still early, Coconuts was nearly empty. Most people were either in class or still at Saltine’s.
“Well,” Ruby glanced around the vacated bar. “At least we can get a table.”
“Let’s sit in the beer garden,” I said, heading toward the door that led outside. White fairy lights were strung across a wooden fence that separated the club from the street. A few more people milled around outside. “This is more like it,” I said, meandering toward the bar.
I was about to order a beer when Erica appeared beside me. “Let’s do shots!”
“Tequila!” Ruby shouted from behind her.
The bartender plunked three shot glasses on the table. He then set three limes and a salt shaker next to them.
The three of us licked the base of our thumbs and poured salt on them, and then looked at each other. “Do we take the shot first and then do the salt and lime?” I asked.
“I think you do the lime first,” Ruby said.
“It’s ‘Lick, Sip, Suck,’” someone said. I leaned over to look. The guy on the other side of Ruby was idly holding a beer in one hand while looking earnestly at me.
“Right.” I grabbed my shot glass and turned to my companions. “Ready?”
The three of us did as directed. Erica wiped her mouth and turned to the mystery guy. “Did we do it right?”
“You got it.” He gave her a half-smile.
“Are you a student here?” Erica asked, flipping her hair back.
“No. I was supposed to meet a friend.” He glanced at his watch. “I’m not sure he’s going to show, though. I go to Eastern.”
“I’m Erica.” She stuck out her hand. “And this is Ruby and Tammy,” she added after the guy had obligingly shaken her hand.
“We’re in grad school,” Ruby said.
“I’m James.” He tilted the tip of his ball cap to each of us in turn. “I’m a fifth-year senior.”
“It’s taken you five years?” I asked. Something about James bothered me. Probably his resemblance to Kellen. He had the same solid frame and was about the same height, only an inch or two taller than Ruby.
“Well, I’m in a five-year BS/MS engineering program.” He motioned for the bartender. “So, I guess the answer to your question is, yes.”
Third Eye Blind’s Semi-Charmed Life began playing on the radio. I brought my fist up to my mouth, covering the involuntary sigh that slipped out.
“Something wrong?” James asked.
“I love this band,” I said softly.
Erica leaned closer to James and whispered something. His lips smiled, but his eyes were still watching me. I turned away from the bar, facing the beer garden. If I closed my eyes, I could have been at a bar in Tampa, innocent and naïve, before my heart had hardened. Back then I would have begged for a guy to approach me. Now I had to practically keep them away with a broomstick. The beer garden was filling with people. Saltine’s must have ended their special, I thought. As if on cue, someone’s hip bumped mine.
“Andy!” I exclaimed. The music switched to a Matchbox 20 song.
“Do you want to dance?” he asked, his accent heavy.
“Sure.” I’d dance, I’d run, anything to get away from the memories that threatened to resurface. I glanced over at the bar as Andy twirled me. Erica was turned toward James, but he was facing the dance floor, watching Andy and me. We were midway through the second song, sweaty and breathless, when Andy spoke again.
“What?” I asked, my hand on my ear.
“I said, my girlfriend might be here tonight.”
I stopped my gyrating as a fellow partier bumped into me. “What did you say?”
“I said, we might have to stop dancing soon because my girlfriend might show.”
I turned and headed back to the bar where Ruby, Erica, and James were still rooted. Andy shouted something in his stupid accent, but I ignored him.
“James thinks you’re cute!” Ruby whispered in my ear.
“Another shot?” James asked me.
I glanced again at him. Even subtracting the beer goggles I was probably sporting, he was really good-looking. “No,” I said defiantly. “I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“It’s not time to go yet,” Erica whined.
“Actually, I have to get going, too.” James said, a tinge of regret in his voice. “Early engineer class and everything.” He said that second sentence pointedly. “Do you have a pen?” He turned toward me, the implication clear that he wanted to exchange numbers, but Erica had already grabbed one from the bar.
“Here’s mine,” she said smoothly, tucking a small piece of paper into James’s hand before closing it. “Call me anytime. We’ll get together.”
“Great,” he said, his eyes on me.
I gave him the smallest of smiles, powerless over the transaction that just had happened. After all that talk earlier about Joshua, Erica’s behavior felt like a betrayal. I didn’t think James was just looking to hook-up with any random girl, and it seemed pretty clear that he was interested me. But he was walking away with Erica’s number.
The three of us took a cab back to Erica’s apartment. Her machine was flashing. She hit the button and James’s voice filled the air. “Hey, Erica. It was great to meet you guys tonight. Here’s my number: 555-616-0440. If you could pass that on to Ruby and Tammy, that’d be great. You guys can call me anytime one of you gets bored and wants to talk.”
Subtleties are not my strength, but it was pretty obvious that James wanted me to have his number. I thought I’d sensed a spark between us, but Erica turned to Ruby and me with a self-satisfied smirk. “Maybe I should call Bacon and tell him that another guy called me.”
“No!” Ruby and I said emphatically at the same time.
“Bad idea,” Ruby continued.
“Forget about Bacon.” I told her. I felt defeated. If she wanted James, then fine. I didn’t need another long-distance relationship, even if it was 40 miles instead of 4000.
Ruby glanced at her watch. “I’ve gotta get going. I’m supposed to go see Mike in the morning.” She picked up her purse from the couch. “Don’t call Bacon,” she said before shutting the door.
“Let’s go over there and see what they’re up to.” Erica said when Ruby’s form had retreated away from the window.
“Why?”
“Maybe Craig’s there. I think he liked you.”
“If that’s the case, he would have called.” My head was starting to spin from all the encounters I’d had that night. I didn’t need another. “I don’t want to go over there. What Bacon said about Craig upset me.”
“He’s just trying to help out. I told him about Joshua after I told him that you liked Craig.”
I felt cold. “You told Bacon I liked his roommate?”
“What’s the big deal?”
“Great, Erica. Don’t think that Bacon won’t be throwing that back in my face.”
She’d grabbed the phone and was dialing. “Hey, asshole,” she said into the receiver. Guess it wasn’t James she called. “I just wanted to let you know that we’re over.” She paused as Bacon talked into the phone. “Tammy.” Another pause and then Erica turned to me. “He wants us to come over.”
“No,” I said resolutely.
“What else are you going to do, Tammy?” Erica asked, her hand over the receiver.
“Go home and curl up in my own bed?”
“Here.” She thrust the phone at me. I waved it away, but she shoved it at my ear. “Hello?” I asked reluctantly.
“Tammy. Come over.”
“No,” I repeated.
“Craig’s here.”
I heard the sound of female laughter in the background. “It sounds like he’s busy.”
“C’mon. They’re freshmen. If you come over, he’ll ditch the lame-o’s for you.”
I handed the phone out to Erica. She whispered something into the phone and then hung up. “You have to come with me. I need your support.”
“What about James?”
“I’m going to tell Bacon that we’re really over.”
I suddenly felt exhausted from both the night and Erica’s behavior. “Good luck,” I told her as I opened the door to her apartment.
“You’re really going to go home, then?”
“Yep,” I told her before I walked out, shutting the door behind me.
The evening was crisp. I relished in the stillness of the night, broken only by the sound of crickets and frogs from the pond bordering the eastern edge of the Village. As I headed back to my building, I wondered which apartment was Kellen’s and whether he’d heard my screensaver debacle from the other day. He’d said that he and Corrie had broken up, but I’d definitely heard that before. Like Bacon and Erica, Corrie and Kellen never had what I’d call a solid relationship. When they first started going out, I’d thought that Corrie was too much of a narcissist for it to last. I’d watched their roller-coaster of a relationship from the sidelines, inwardly cheering every time they had a fight. By the time we’d graduated high school, I’d given up on ever getting my best friend back.
Kellen held the distinction of being the first guy—in what felt like a very long line—that ever broke my heart. We met on the first day of school in 5th grade when he picked up my dog-eared copy of Exiled to Earth from the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series off of my desk. “I have this book.”
I shrugged. “It’s not my favorite. Space Vampire is.”
“That’s a good one too. But the best one out of all of them is Invaders of the Planet Earth.”
“I haven’t read that one.”
“You can borrow mine if you want.”
We were pretty much inseparable after that. We usually hung out at Kellen’s house since his parents were never around. Occasionally he’d drop over at my house, but it was so much more chaotic—Drew was a handful as a little kid, and, if Corrie happened to be home, we risked her making a rude comment about my “boyfriend.” But it wasn’t until the middle of our freshmen year of high school that my crush on him started to form. Kellen had gotten the complete collector’s edition of the Star Wars soundtrack for Christmas. We were hanging out in his room, listening to one of the six CDs, and eating mint meltaways. As Princess Leia’s Theme began playing, Kellen looked at me over the tops of his coke-bottle thick glasses. As he grinned, I noticed two things: 1) that he had chocolate smeared in his braces and 2) that he had really thick lashes. I’d never really noticed how nice his eyes were.
“What?” he’d asked me.
“Nothing.” I grabbed another chocolate from the box, my heartbeat suddenly fast, both from getting caught staring and with the new feeling of having a crush. That night I dreamt of Kellen and me actually becoming a couple. He was the perfect guy: he always made me laugh and we had so much in common. Whenever I felt down, I knew I could call him and he’d instantly make me feel better, and I thought I did the same for him. But I was too scared of ruining our friendship to admit any of that to him.
I lived with the silent agony of my infatuation for the next year and a half. One day during our junior year, I was surprised when he didn’t show up at our meeting spot to walk to school. We always made sure to call in the morning to ask the other one to pick up our homework if we were sick. The next day I was standing by my locker when a handsome guy approached. It took me longer than it should have to realize it was Kellen—he’d gotten contacts and his braces removed.
“What’s up?” I asked, suddenly nervous at his proximity.
“I wanted to know if you’d go to Prom with me.” He didn’t need to add, “as friends.”
“Sure, why not?” I asked as I slammed my locker door.
I heard the sound of giggling as he walked away. I shot a dirty look in the direction of my twin’s locker, figuring they were laughing at us, again. But Corrie and her best friend Chrissy were watching Kellen. “So cute!” Chrissy whispered when Kellen was out of earshot. They caught me staring at them and then sauntered down in the hall in the opposite direction of their next class.
I’d had my neighbor make a copy of a pink dress that I’d spotted in Seventeen. It was a two-piece, with a tulle princess skirt and vest-like top. But the tulle skirt clung to my legs instead of poofing out and the vest was way too baggy. I managed to make it look decent by pinning the vest together in the back with a gold brooch shaped like a treble clef. I found an underskirt in Corrie’s closet that helped the bottom look less clingy.
Kellen and I danced the first slow song together. “You smell nice,” he told me. This could be it, I thought. This could be the moment we both confess our undying love. But then Corrie asked him to dance. She’d arrived with her boy-toy of the moment, Paul Smythe; a senior, he was a baseball player who had asked her to Prom by holding up a sign during a pep assembly. I knew Kellen was too polite to say no, but he looked at me for permission before taking Corrie’s hand anyway. I shrugged.
Corrie wore a purple dress with an enormous skirt that Kellen almost tripped over as they danced together. In her 4-inch heels that were dyed the exact hue of her dress, she was a few inches taller than him. I watched as he pulled her close. Both of them had their eyes closed and I could feel my heart sink. I knew then that our friendship was bound to change on a fundamental level.
At first, Kellen tried to balance his time between my sister and me, but it got too confusing when he’d come over. “Who are you here for?” Drew asked him one day. Kellen, standing in the doorway, whispered something. “Corrie!” Drew hollered. “Kellen’s here!” I pushed past both of them. “Tamara,” Kellen said softly. I ignored him, heading into the garage. “Hey, Tamara?” he said as I reappeared with my bike. I hopped on it and began pedaling. If he said anything else, I didn’t hear him over the sound of Nine Inch Nails blasting through my headphones. A couple of days later I found a box with my name on it sitting in the center of my bedroom floor. It was packed with stuff I’d lent Kellen over the years, including a few “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. I put them back on my bookshelf, feeling as though I was shelving our friendship as well.
As I climbed the stairs up to my floor, I heard Erica’s voice from earlier that night. “Everything happens for a reason,” she’d told me. I wondered, if that was true, what was the reason my best friend fell in love with my twin sister? What was the reason that Joshua was no longer in my life? Maybe my psycho guardian angel had better plans for me than settling down and becoming someone’s wife. Maybe I was supposed to become a famous journalist. I sighed as I stuck my key into the lock. Life is to be happy, and no matter what I had, it was nothing without him. Joshua, where are you? What happened to the promises you made?