Chapter 7
What’s Up His Bum?
The week after I left camp and before my birthday passed by painfully slow. I spent most of it like I did all of my breaks from college: avoiding Corrie and Kellen as much as possible. As familiar as the setting was, deep down I felt different. True, I was no longer a virgin, but it was more than that. The words, “my boyfriend” would come out involuntarily, such as when I was searching the mall for a new outfit and wondering aloud to the saleslady if my boyfriend would like it. The phrase slipped out so naturally, as if I’d always been able to use it. But of course I hadn’t—it had been a long road leading up the boyfriend point. In high school I was so busy with academics that I’d never had time for one, and in college, it felt like every guy I’d run across rejected me. With every new hurt, I felt like the wall around my heart got a little stronger. I thought it’d take someone with the strength of Hercules to break it down; yet somehow Joshua managed to do it with ease. All it took was for me to let him in, which was almost a Herculean effort in itself.
I missed my cigarette breaks. Instead of smoking, whenever I felt anxious about what was going to happen to our relationship after my birthday, I’d go for a run. Well, more like a ‘walk-fast.’ On Thursday night, the day before I was to pick up Joshua, even an hour-long run wasn’t working to curb my head. I longed for a smoke. I had one pack stashed in my hiking backpack, so access wasn’t a problem. I just needed to find a place to light up. Corrie had the car so I couldn’t go for a drive and besides, she could sniff out stale cigarette smoke like a bloodhound. There was a half-acre of land surrounding my parents’ house, with a small tributary that eventually ran into Lake Michigan running through our backyard. Unfortunately, there weren’t that many trees and I was paranoid that my dad would be able to see the embers in the dark. I finally found a suitable spot outside the living room, near the driveway. There were hardly any windows on that side of the house and none that faced my parents’ room.
I had just lit up when a cop car flew by, sirens blaring. It scared me enough that I immediately stubbed the cigarette out with my sandal and headed into the house, straight for the bathroom to wash my hands. Heart racing, I vegged out in front of the TV for a few hours before I finally passed out.
“Did you hear about this?” my dad called as I came downstairs the next morning. For the first time since I’d been home, I awoke before he left for work.
“What?” I asked, entering the living room.
“An armed robbery. And right down the street!”
“You’re kidding.” In addition to living on a quiet street, we were pretty much out in the country, in a town of 800 people. I could count the number of neighboring houses within walking distance on one hand.
“No, I’m not,” Dad replied. “Two houses down. Guess we should start locking our doors.”
“Guess so.”
I didn’t think much more about it as I carefully applied my make-up and selected my outfit. I’d bought new shoes: slides covered in plastic flowers. I chose a fluffy white skirt and tight top—the pink in it matched the pink on my shoes. I’d spent a significant portion of the morning prepping to see Joshua again. When I finally left the house, I was surprised to see Corrie and Kellen out front.
“Is it time to go pick up your boyfriend?” my twin inquired, her usage of the B-word containing mockery.
“Yeah. I’m taking the car.” I opened the passenger side door to put my purse down.
“Hey, Tamara,” Kellen called. “Come look at this: I think the robber was in your yard last night!”
My heart felt like I’d just finished a marathon. “What do you mean? I was out here last night and I didn’t see anything.”
“It’s a cigarette,” Corrie declared. “Do you think it has the robber’s DNA on it?”
“It has lipstick on it,” Kellen added. “Maybe the robber was a girl.”
I slammed the car door shut and then joined them at the edge of the driveway. They were indeed staring at my purloined cigarette.
“She didn’t get very far with it. Maybe you scared her, Tammy.” Kellen kicked at it with his foot.
“Don’t do that,” Corrie admonished him. “They can use it for evidence.” Something in the tone of her voice was not convincing. “Should we go tell Dad?” She looked at me, a challenge in her eyes.
“No,” I said simply.
“You’re right. Probably someone flicked it out of the window as they drove by and it has nothing to do with the robber. So, Kellen really wants to go to the Tigers game on Saturday.” Corrie acted casual, stuffing her hands in her pockets, as if it were a perfectly normal subject change. “Drew said we could have his tickets if you said it was okay.”
I would much rather have had my brother and his high school crony there than Kellen and Corrie, but I nodded anyway. “Looking forward to it.”
Kellen’s head had been volleying back and forth during our conversation. “So we can go?” he asked, his face looking hopeful.
I shrugged, knowing it was futile to argue with Corrie. She had me backed into a corner. Again. “Sure.”
Kellen shook his head. “I’m not sure what just happened here. I’d heard that twins had their own language, but I never witnessed it before.”
“There’s no secret language between us,” I told him, adding silently, it’s only that my sister is a conniving bitch.
“Come on, Kellen. Let’s go out.” Corrie grabbed his hand and pulled him toward his Jeep, nodding subtly at the cigarette as she did. I waited until they drove away before I picked it up and carefully buried it in the garbage can.
I, of course, got massively lost on my way back to camp. I’d never driven that far north by myself. I ached for yet another smoke to calm my nerves, but had learned my lesson that morning. I almost looked forward to going back to school if only that there wasn’t anyone constantly looking over my shoulder.
Joshua was waiting underneath a tree in the parking lot when I drove up.
“Where’s everyone?” I asked. Ahrun and Ferg’s flights weren’t for another week, so they, and most of the other foreigners, had stuck around.
“Duke’s. Do you want to join them?”
“No, we should get home before it gets dark.” I didn’t want to get lost again, plus I was tired of being the only sober one in a crowd full of drunks. I broke out in an involuntary grin as a thought occurred to me.
“What is it?” Joshua asked as he climbed into the car.
“On Sunday, when I drop you off, I could go to Duke’s for a beer.”
“That’s right, my little Tamara will finally be twenty-one.”
“I only had to wait until the end of the summer.”
“Hey,” Joshua said, putting his hand over mine, which was about to put the car into gear. “How are you? I’ve missed you.” He leaned forward, lips puckered.
I kissed him back. “I’ve missed you, too.” Joshua didn’t know that I smoked so I couldn’t share my morning’s adventure with him.
A feeling I’d never had before surged in my gut when my lips met his. I readjusted myself in the driver’s seat so I could be closer and kissed him harder. When we finally broke contact, both of us were panting.
“I’ve really missed you,” Joshua whispered.
“Me too.” I backed out of the parking spot, grateful to have something to do with my hands, which were shaking.
“So… off to your parent’s house?”
“Yep. You’ll have to sleep in the guest room,” I replied. “My parents are old-fashioned in that way.”
“I gathered that.”
“How’s camp?”
“Quiet. Lonely.”
I turned to look at him. “I was lonely, too.”
He stared into my eyes. “Tammy…”
I shifted my gaze back to the highway. “Are you excited for your first American baseball game?”
Out of the corner of my eye I could see him scoot forward in his seat. “Yep.”
We made small talk most of the way home. I was afraid of having a deep what-will-we-do-after this weekend type of talk. I wasn’t ready for a break-up scene yet, but I just couldn’t see how we could stay together long-distance until next summer.
When we got home, my mother helped make Joshua comfortable in the guest room. We had a light snack and then went into the family room. My brother Drew and his friend Max were playing video games. Max’s last name was Times, and everyone said Drew and Max were like brothers, even though Max was black. “Do you guys want to play?” Max asked. “It goes up to four players.”
I looked over at Joshua. I knew what he really wanted to do was be alone, but that wasn’t going to happen with my father lurking around. He was in the kitchen doing dishes, but his MO was to pop in at the most inopportune moments. If you were watching a PG-13 movie, count on him to enter the room during the 13 and up bits.
“You play,” I told Joshua. It looked like some sort of first-person shooter game. The only video games I played involved cartoon bubbles or Tetris. I made cookies in the kitchen instead, dancing around my father as he cleaned.
“You like this boy, Tamara,” Dad said finally as I stood beside him to fill a cup of water. Typical of my father, it wasn’t a question.
“Yes.”
“What’s going to happen when you go back to school?”
I turned on the Mixmaster and watched it beat the dough. When I turned it off, Dad was looking at me, the silence in the kitchen suddenly deafening. “I don’t know.”
His eyes followed me as I carried the dough to the kitchen table. I began scooping out little balls onto the cookie sheet as Dad leaned over the counter with his hand under his chin. I offered him another spoon, knowing he’d decline, as his domestic duties only extended so far. I was hoping to guilt trip him into leaving, but it didn’t work. He stayed at his perch at the counter, his eyes not straying from my face. “Tamara?”
I looked over at him, cookie dough poised in mid-air.
“I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I set the spoon down. “Dad, I know you don’t see it, but I am a big girl, and can take care of myself.”
“I know. But you’ll always be my little girl. Corrie too.”
“I don’t see you questioning her about Kellen.”
When he didn’t reply, I went back to scooping dough, wondering if his stare could penetrate beneath my surface and reveal that in fact, I wasn’t the same little girl I was a month ago.
He finally walked out of the kitchen, heading toward the bedroom. My brother took this as a cue to turn up the video game and the sound of gunshots filled the now cookie-fragrant kitchen as I rinsed out the Mixmaster bowl.
“Damn, Tammy, these are excellent,” Max declared when I served them my first batch.
“Yeah, sis, how come you’ve never made these before?” Drew asked.
“I made them for Joshua, not for you guys,” I scolded them.
The three of them convinced me to learn to play their game and we were having a lot of fun, eating cookies and blowing each other up on screen, when Corrie came in. “What’s all this?” She flung her purse over the couch. “Did someone make cookies?”
Joshua stood up and brushed crumbs from his hand onto his pant leg before holding it out. “You must be Corrie. I’m Joshua.”
She dutifully shook his hand and then turned to me. “He has an accent? Wow, Tamara, not bad, considering.”
“Happy Birthday, sis,” my brother said. I’d forgotten it was Corrie’s actual birthday. She and Kellen were having a massive blow-out at his fraternity house next weekend. I only knew because it was all she talked about: I wasn’t invited, nor would I have gone, even if I wasn’t due to arrive back at school the same day.
“Thanks. The cookies are for me, I assume?” she asked the room.
“Of course,” I replied. “Happy Birthday.”
Joshua looked over at me, the brow over his brown eye raised. I rolled my shoulders. I didn’t think he believed the depth of my sister’s narcissism when I told him stories about her. He’d have to believe me now, though. She flounced from the room, probably to perform her usual bedtime ritual of face mask and nail painting, grabbing a handful of cookies along the way. The boys and I continued our video game slaughter until well into the night.
Dad made a large breakfast of eggs and bacon the next morning, my much-anticipated 21st birthday. Corrie even deigned to join us, holding up her glass of OJ when Mom and Dad toasted me. Joshua began to help clean up. Drew gave me a birthday pass and offered to do dishes for me. I sat at the kitchen table and watched Joshua concentrate on loading the dishwasher. As Drew left to wash down the dining room table, Joshua flung a towel over his shoulder and grabbed me, pulling me close. “Tammy, can we go someplace, alone?”
I cast my eyes around my parents’ kitchen. “In my house, that doesn’t exist.”
“What about that pub we passed by on the way home last night? I can buy you your first drink.”
“Now?” I checked my watch. It was only 11 am.
“Yes,” Joshua said firmly.
“I guess we can walk there,” I conceded. Corrie had already claimed the car right after breakfast. “It’s only like half a mile.”
“Whatever. I just want some alone time.”
My heart sped up. I hoped that didn’t mean he planned to have “The Talk” at the bar.
Our walk there was mostly silent. There were no sidewalks so we walked single-file on the side of the road. Being the middle of August, it was damn hot out and the coolness of the dark pub was a welcome relief.
There were only a few other customers seated in the scattering of tables around the bar. Joshua opened a menu once we were seated.
“You can’t possibly be hungry after that breakfast,” I commented.
“I’m not. What do you want to drink?”
I perused the back of the menu. “How about… a Long Island Iced Tea?”
“Whoa,” Joshua said, closing the menu. “I was thinking more along the lines of a Bloody Mary, but I like the way you think.”
As the lone waitress delivered our drinks, Joshua said, “Your sister really is kind of a bitch.”
I took a sip. For it being such a small place, they didn’t skimp on the alcohol. “You really have to see it to believe it.”
“I believe it now. She’s coming tonight, then?”
“Yeah, her and her boyfriend, Kellen.”
“What’s he like?”
I filled Joshua in on our history as much as I could. Even though I left out my feelings for Kellen, his blur eye grew darker when I described the prom night when Corrie and Kellen finally got together.
“You went with him as friends, and he goes for your sister? What an asshole.”
I felt defensive at his words and stabbed at an ice cube with my straw. “Corrie can be really manipulative at times.”
The waitress approached our table and Joshua ordered another round before reaching for my hand. “I would never hurt you like that.”
I smiled despite of myself. “I know. Thank you.”
Joshua’s fingers played with my hand for a second, stirring up more of those feelings I had in the car last night. “Where’s the bathroom in this joint?” he asked in an American accent, rising from the table.
I pointed in the direction of the restrooms. I played with the ice cubes in my glass some more as the waitress brought over refills and music began playing over the loudspeakers. I looked up to see Joshua standing beside the jukebox.
“Meatloaf?” I called across the restaurant.
He turned toward me, miming playing the piano at a fast pace to match the intro. As the music slowed, he hunched over and made his way back to our table.
“And I would do anything for love,” he sang. He got down on one knee and grabbed my hand.
“Joshua, what are you doing? Get off the floor,” I hissed. The five other patrons in the restaurant were staring at us.
He thankfully sat in his seat across from me, still mouthing the words. “I would, you know,” he said when the song was finally over. “I would do anything.”
“Except that,” I itched to change the subject, to carry on a normal conversation so the bartender would stop staring at us with that sly smile on his face. “What do you think that is?”
Joshua shrugged. “There is no exception to my love.”
The waitress came around to ask if we needed anything else. I shook my head and she sat the check down on the table, the word love hanging in the air between Joshua and me. I moved to grab the bill, but Joshua gave my hand a playful swat. “I said I’d pay for it. It will go down in history that I bought your first drink. Forever.”
I glanced up at him, wondering if there was an ominous tone to that last word.
His brown eye winked at me as he reached behind to pull out his wallet.
It was just so cheesy, I thought as we walked back to my house, our pace made slightly more unsteady by a couple of Long Island iced teas. I wasn’t used to public displays of affection. I knew Joshua didn’t care much what other people thought: last year I’d heard he even dressed in Devon’s Tina Turner costume, complete with socks for boobs. The only time I did things for attention was when boys scorned me, such as when I flashed the words “Screw You” scrawled in red lipstick across my chest to the guy who claimed I was a stalker and his roommates. And then there was the tape I made for Dallas and his roommate Ian my freshman year: my toneless voice singing Christmas Carols Weird Al-style, such classics as ‘Dallas the Long-Faced Horse’ and ‘Walking ‘Round in Ian’s Underwear.’ I wasn’t necessarily a mental patient, I just didn’t how to handle rejection. Or at least that’s what I kept telling myself; I wasn’t sure if the greater population of Eckhart College would agree with me, though.
We only had a few minutes to change before my dad wanted to leave for the game. “The earlier, the better,” he told us.
I was running a brush through my hair when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” Corrie called, thundering down the stairs.
I could only assume it was Kellen by her enthusiastic greeting. Someone knocked softly on my bedroom door and then Joshua entered. “Is it okay that I’m in here?”
“Only momentarily,” I told him, grabbing my purse. “There are spies everywhere.”
“Wow, Tammy,” he breathed. “You look amazing.”
I patted my hair. Amazing was probably the overstatement of the year: I was dressed in the same jeans I’d been wearing earlier, but I’d exchanged my T-shirt for a V-neck Tigers jersey.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep my hands off of you all night,” he continued, as he walked out into the hallway. He poked me in the side before we both caught sight of my sister and Kellen looking up at us from downstairs.
“That’s Joshua, Tamara’s new boyfriend,” Corrie told Kellen.
I made my way downstairs.
“What’s up, man?” Kellen asked.
Joshua, still standing at the top of the steps, nodded at him.
“Are you guys ready to go?” my mother called, her perfume trailing her into the room.
“We’ll take the back and you guys can have the middle seats,” Corrie said as we walked out of the house, as if she were being gracious for once in her life.
The proximity of the middle seats to the front in my Dad’s van meant that Mom chatted up Joshua the entire way to the stadium. I tried to rescue him a couple of times, but my mother continued her endless questioning. Joshua seemed to enjoy it, and I found out a few things I’d never knew about him, such as the fact that his parents had once been divorced but then remarried, to each other, again.
“That’s so romantic,” Corrie gushed from the back.
“Romantic? They were divorced,” I countered.
“Every relationship has its trials,” Corrie said, with a glance at Kellen. “It’s how you get through them that matters. And they obviously realized that their relationship was meant to be.”
Joshua gave her an appreciative glance before turning to me. I focused my attention at the passing scenery. “Watch the sides as we enter the underpass. There’s a giant homeless population that lives under this bridge.”
“Homeless?” Joshua asked.
“Yeah, don’t you know we’re in Detroit?” Kellen added. “It has the highest unemployment rate in the nation.”
“Is that true?” Joshua asked me.
“I guess so.” I shrugged.
“I always picture everywhere in America as the Land of Opportunity.”
“You’re dreaming,” Kellen called from behind him. “And, if W. comes to office next fall, it’s only going to get worse.”
“Okay, okay,” I said with a glance at my dad in the rearview mirror. Luckily he was concentrating on the traffic in front of us. “Let’s not get into a political debate on my birthday,” I scolded Kellen without turning around.
“Sorry, Tamara.”
We managed to get to the stadium without getting into any other arguments.
“That guy’s a real jerk,” Joshua whispered. As soon as we got through the gates, we’d separated from the rest of my family. He decided to continue my new birthday tradition and purchase more drinks at the stadium.
“Who, Kellen?” I’d never heard anyone say derogatory words about my former best friend before.
“Yeah. What’s up his bum?”
I smiled before taking another sip.
“What?” Joshua asked.
“Nothing. I just like the way you said bum. I’d rather talk about people’s butts than homeless people any day.”
“In England, we also say ‘arses.’”
I jabbed him in the side and he reached for me, giving me a giant bear hug. “I figured this is safer around your family than what I really want to do.”
“They’re not here right now, though.” I kissed him on the lips.
“Mmm. I miss that,” he replied.
I broke away, looking around the crowd in front of me. “I think Ahrun and Ferg are supposed to be here tonight. Should we go look for them?”
“I don’t see how we’d possibly find them. Who cares, anyway? It’s your night.”
We finished our first drinks and bought more before the rise of the crowd told us the game was starting. Plastic cups in hand, we made our way back to our seats, inching our way past Kellen and Corrie. True to form, Corrie had claimed the aisle seat; my parents on the other side of the two empty seats. I sat beside Kellen as Joshua sat next to Mom. Dad ordered six beers from a vendor making his way up the aisle.
“Dad?” I asked, as he and my mom were never ones to imbibe.
“It’s not every day my girls turn 21,” he replied.
“Today’s my birthday,” I reminded him.
“Happy Birthday, Tamara.” Kellen met his cup to mine.
“Idiot,” Joshua whispered into my ear from the other side as Kellen’s over enthusiastic cheers caused some of my beer to foam over.
During the 7th inning stretch, the game board announced special groups and messages. “Tammy, look!” Joshua said, pointing towards the scoreboard. ‘Happy Birthday, Tamara T. Tymes,’ sprawled across it.
“That’s me!” I shouted, springing upright in my seat.
“I thought you hated that kind of stuff,” Kellen said quietly.
I pretended I didn’t hear him as the surrounding fans met their glasses with mine.
Joshua fell asleep on the ride home from the game. I crossed and uncrossed my legs, never having to pee so bad in my life. As soon as we pulled into the driveway, I nudged Joshua awake and then ran into the house. When I came out of the bathroom, I watched Kellen fling himself on the couch as the rest of my family headed toward their respective rooms. The couch had become Kellen’s second home over the years, as my mother once declared she was tired of washing the guest room sheets every time he crashed at my parents’ house.
I walked Joshua up to the guest room and kissed him goodnight.
“I wish you could stay with me,” he said once he got into bed.
“Me too,” I replied before shutting out the light. I could hear Joshua turn over as I shut the door.
That night I had a dream where I went back to school and told everyone about Joshua. Lizzie and Jane didn’t believe I actually had a boyfriend and asked for proof of his existence. “I don’t have any mementos of him,” I told them. “He was my camp boyfriend.” I woke up realizing, despite how fond I was of Joshua, that he was just that. Circumstances—and an ocean—prevented him from ever becoming anything more. The flower he’d given me the night he told me he wanted to “hook up”—now dried and brown—was placed on my bedside table. A small piece of the former carnation crumbled as I picked it up. But at least I really did have some sort of keepsake of the boyfriend that—would soon be—once was.
The next morning was a bit hectic. My father decided to make us all another breakfast in honor of our male guests, Joshua, Kellen, and Max, who had taken the loveseat in the living room. Joshua didn’t talk much during breakfast. It upset me that he didn’t try to interact more with my family, but at the same time, I didn’t know why I cared so much if he was to become what my dream decided he should. It was Corrie’s turn to do dishes, and instead of helping her, Kellen decided to perch in front of the bay window and watch Joshua head off toward the river on the edge of my parents’ property.
“Do you love him?” Kellen asked, nodding toward Joshua’s retreating form.
Instead of replying, I tucked my feet into shoes and opened the sliding glass door. Kellen had lost the privilege of knowing anything about my personal life long ago.
Joshua stood next to the river with his arms crossed in front. I ran to him and captured his hand. He squeezed mine tightly, conveying without words that he was feeling left out.
We stood together, watching the river pass by us. I wondered if his thoughts were the same as mine, that we’d almost kissed for the first time by a river, and now here we were. So much had changed since that night: we’d become the camp couple, and he’d spent time with my family. And things were about to change again.
Finally he stated, “I hate that he has such a firm place in your family and I don’t.”
I bit back the words that wanted to slip out—‘You mean, Max?’—but we both knew to whom he was referring, and the old Tammy’s effort to make light of the situation would have failed. Obviously the best words to say would have been, ‘you will someday,’ but I didn’t want to lie to him. Especially not now.
He turned to me. “And you. Even though he’s hurt you so much, you still care for him.”
I felt my left foot sink into the mud and picked it up, getting a firmer stance on the silty ground. “Only because I know everything there is to know about him. He used to be my best friend.”
His hand slipped from mine. “And he betrayed you by dating your twin sister.”
“I know.” I picked up a rock and threw it into the river. “It’s complicated. I know it’s hard for other people to understand.”
“I’m sorry.” Joshua’s arms came back down by his side. “I’m just upset, I guess, about leaving you today.”
My heartbeat sped up as I realized that it was Do or Die time. It was time to break things off with Joshua before things got even more ‘complicated.’ One of the first rules I learned from my science classes was Occam’s Razor, or, in the words of my favorite professor, Dr. Shu: “Keep it simple, stupid.” Up till now, I suddenly realized, my way of keeping it simple was to go after the wrong guys because they didn’t present the opportunity to interfere with my life. It was easy enough to have a boyfriend at camp, but a long-distance relationship was infinitely more difficult and required a maturity I wasn’t sure I was capable of.
I remembered a conversation I had with Shazzer in the middle of the summer. She had asked me if Joshua and I were going to stay together.
“Probably not. I’ll probably break up with him after my birthday,” I’d replied. It seemed like the natural thing to do. I remembered how much Shazz and Joshua hated each other. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Shazzer had thrown this bit of information back at him, just to piss him off.
As if he could read my mind, Joshua turned and looked at me. I was astonished at how sad he looked on what seemed an innocuous August day. “Tammy. What’s going to become of us?”
“I’m going to go back to school in Florida, and you are going to go back to England and try to get your visa.”
“I am going to get my visa next spring,” he said, his eyes back on the river. “I was going to tell you sooner, but I wanted it to be a surprise. I’m going to live here, in the US. It’s got the best opportunities for me. And there’s another reason why I want to stay.”
I didn’t reply right away. Now, Tammy, I thought. I glanced at his stoic form. Keep it simple. I picked up another rock and tried to skip it. It plopped into the river with a giant splash. Then again, maybe it’d be easier if we just drifted apart when I left for school. That happened, didn’t it? And then next summer, I could return to camp, and he’d be working there, and things could be… simple again.
“You know the words from that Meatloaf song?” Joshua turned toward me. “I’d run right into hell and back…”
“Yes?” I prompted.
“I feel like these next few months will be hell. But I’d willingly run right into the hell of a long-distance relationship if you’d wait for me. I have to go back to England for a few months, but all told, it’d be less than a year that we’d be apart. And,” he paused, looking at me hopefully. “I’ve always wanted to visit Florida. If you’ll have me.”
I blew my breath out. “Fall Break,” I stated. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before. I’d always hated Fall Break; my dad refused to pay for an extra plane ticket for me to come home or to a destination infinitely more exciting than Eckhart College like everyone else’s parents did. I always ended up trapped on campus without a car and nowhere to go. “It’s the first weekend in October. You can come visit me and see my school.”
Joshua’s face broke into a wide grin. “October’s not too far from now.”
“No.” So much for drifting apart. I felt like wiping the beads of sweat from my brow in relief. I’d started the day thinking we’d have to break up, and now I had Joshua’s visit to look forward. An actual real-life boyfriend, one that would be on my campus for a few days, not that anyone would be around to take note.
Joshua’s hand found mine again and we watched a group of canoers navigate the river for a few minutes.
“Tammy?”
“Yeah?”
“I think now would be a good time to tell you that I love you.”
My gut, still full from a large breakfast and our upcoming plans, felt like he’d kicked it. My hand involuntarily rubbed my stomach. Joshua was looking at me intently. “Thank you,” I replied through a mouth that had suddenly filled with dust.
“Tammy?” Corrie called from the back porch. “I need the car back by five tonight.”
If looks could kill, Corrie would have been dead and buried ten feet under.
I tugged Joshua’s hand, still firmly ensconced in mine. “We’d better get going, then.” I left the words I didn’t speak back at the riverside. I couldn’t say them back because I wasn’t sure I was ready to love someone I couldn’t be with. Instead we went inside and used my dad’s computer to book a plane ticket for Florida. It was official—though undeclared—that we’d be together as boyfriend and girlfriend at least until after Fall Break.
We listened to upbeat music in the car on the way back to camp, making plans for his visit. I shyly told him that I’d have a single room for my senior year.
“No roommate?” he asked hopefully.
I shook my head. Jane, my best friend at school, had been my roommate the past two years, but she’d be graduating in December. She took the single in the dorm across the complex, so we’d still be in proximity to one another. Lizzie got a room in the ultra-expensive, brand-new dorm next to the waterfront. I barely convinced my dad to spare the dough to get what I had, and, not having a car, I couldn’t live off campus like a lot of other upperclassmen.
Joshua poked me in the side. “I’ve always wanted to try a Sex on the Beach.”
“You do mean the drink, right?”
“That too,” he said, winking at me.
I shook my head and turned my attention back to the highway.
Despite the cheerful car ride, I knew we were in for a dramatic goodbye scene when I dropped him off at camp. But I’d barely shut the car off when Ferg jumped in the passenger seat Joshua vacated to grab his bag from the back.
“What the hell are you doing, Ferg?” he called, slamming the trunk door shut.
“Tammy, I need you to drive me to the edge of the property. I’ve been kicked out.”
Joshua walked over to the driver’s side, his bag over his shoulder.
I opened the car door to hug Joshua. “I’m trying to say goodbye to my boyfriend,” I told the Irishman pointedly.
“Can you make it quick?” Ferg asked.
Joshua’s loosened his embrace. I could feel him glare at Ferg over my shoulder. “I guess this is goodbye… for now,” he said.
I probably should have told Joshua how much I was going to miss him. Or maybe even returned the L-bomb.
“Come on, Tammy,” Ferg called from the passenger side of my car. “They gave me an hour to get my stuff and leave. I gotta go.”
I looked up at Joshua as the tears began to form. “I’ll call you on the payphone tonight,” I told him.
He checked his watch. “I might go out with Denny tonight. You know, to drink away some of the pain of losing you. Monday night, nine o’clock?”
I nodded.
He gave me another squeeze before I got back into the car.
“You know I’m not going to see Joshua for another six weeks, right?” I asked Ferg as I put the car in gear.
“Oh shit,” Ferg glanced at Joshua’s retreating form. “Sorry.”
“What exactly did you do to get kicked out? I thought camp was over.”
“Yeah, but they use the property for groups on the weekends. Ahrun and I hooked up with a couple of Girl Scouts and I guess their leader found out.”
“Please tell me they were of age.”
“I think so. You can drop me off right here: Jordan’s picking me up and I’m going to try to rearrange my flight from her house.”
I pushed the brake pedal. “Jordan? As in Joshua’s ex?”
Ferg stuck a leg out the door. “Yeah.”
“Does she live around here?”
“Duh. Why?”
“Never mind.”
“Well, I guess this is it, Tammy. It was nice knowing you.”
“You too,” I said insincerely. Thanks for ruining my goodbye.
After Ferg found a spot underneath a tree, I thought about driving back to camp and finding Joshua. I could picture him running back toward me… we’d embrace again, and then… what? I’d still have to leave him. I’d just be prolonging the pain. Plus, Corrie needed the car back.
Instead I pushed a Sarah McLaughlin CD into my player. As I listened to her mournful voice, I wondered what had happened that morning, why I couldn’t bring myself to tell Joshua that I loved him. Not ever having been in love, I wasn’t sure what it meant. All I knew was that right now my heart felt empty without Joshua. The tears began falling. As the second song on the album, entitled “I Love You,” finished playing, I parked at a drugstore and bought a blank card with a purple flower on the front. As soon as I got home, I started scrawling. “I miss you already, and can’t wait to see you in October.” I thought I’d cried out my supply of tears on the way home, but somehow my body found more. I wiped my eyes and continued, telling him I was scared about caring for someone. “But I do care about you,” I wrote. “I care so much about you it scares the shit out of me. Forgive me, Joshua. I just don’t know how to handle it.”
“P.S.” I could barely fit the words I stole from Sarah McLaughlin at the bottom of the card. “I forgot to tell you that I love you.”
I sealed and addressed the card, putting it in the mailbox before I could second guess myself. As I walked back in the house, my dad called out from his office, “Tammy, can you come in here, please?”
Conversations in my father’s office did not usually work out in my favor—often resulting from an abundance of C’s on my college report cards. But that ship had sailed: I’d managed to only get one the last semester of my junior year and that report card had come before I left for camp.
“Yes?” As if confirming my fears, my mother was also seated next to Dad’s desk. They looked pissed. My first thoughts were that they’d found out about Joshua’s and my… adventure the last night of camp. My second thought was, how could they have known?
Dad cleared his throat. “I suppose you did not yet hear of your sister’s indiscretion this afternoon.”
I could feel my face heat up as I wondered why we were speaking of her “indiscretion” instead of mine. Besides, it was old news: Corrie and Kellen had been in a sexual relationship for years.
“In light of the situation, we’re going to offer you the car to take with you to Florida.”
“What?” I asked, surprised at my own volume. “Why?”
“Your sister and friend,” my dad spat the word out with distaste, “were caught smoking marijuana.”
“Kellen did drugs? No way.”
“It wasn’t Kellen,” my mother added. “It was one of her sorority sisters. They were in her car—”
“Gallivanting around town. I’m sure everyone knows about it right now. Regardless of whose car it was, she has lost any driving privileges for a year. The car is yours if you want it. Drew will help you drive it to Florida, and then we’ll fly him back before his school starts. I’ve already switched your ticket down there for his return one. You will have to leave the day after tomorrow to make the trip in time.”
“Really?” The “if you want it,” seemed like an afterthought, as Dad had apparently already worked out the details. “Of course. And, thanks.”
“Thank you,” my dad returned pointedly, his meaning clear enough: “Thanks for being the type of daughter that doesn’t smoke drugs in the back of other people’s cars.”
The next two days flew by in a blur of shopping, packing, and oil changes. It was nine-thirty on Monday before I remembered my phone date with Joshua. In the days before cell phones were common, I’d have to call Joshua on the camp payphone outside the mess hall. I let it ring eight times before I hung up and tried again.
“Hello?” Joshua’s voice sounded out of breath.
“I’m so sorry I’m late, Joshua. Things have been crazy here.”
“That’s okay. I waited here for a while, but then I got cold and started heading back. Good thing I hadn’t gotten too far or I wouldn’t have heard the phone ring.”
“I’m sorry.” I started telling him about Corrie and the car, but he interrupted me, “I got your card.”
I swallowed. I’d thought he’d get after I’d left for Florida, but I guess the Michigan mail service was more efficient than I’d counted on. “Oh?”
“I’m so happy you feel the same way. I wasn’t sure with how quiet you were by the river, and then we didn’t talk about it in the car… and then Ferg.”
“What an asshole.”
“Who cares about him? You do mean it, right Tammy?”
“Yes.” I felt tears sting my eyes. “I love you, Joshua.”
He blew out his breath. “I love you, too, Tammy, so much.”
We talked for another half an hour before Joshua declared he was really cold and had to go in.
“The next time you hear my voice, I’ll be in Florida.”
“It’s so far away.”
I didn’t remind him that Florida and Michigan were a lot closer than Florida and England. “I’ll be on the road and won’t be able to call until Thursday night. But we’ll talk every day after that.”
“Okay. You have a safe drive. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
As I hung up the phone, I caught sight of my twin standing outside the hallway, her arms crossed over her chest, her face puffy. I got up to shut my bedroom door as she flounced down the hall.