Chapter 4
Joshua’s a —
After our campers left for the weekend, the staff went out to Dukes again. I was dreading being one of the few sober ones in the midst of my tabled coworkers, but Shazzer made me go with her.
Most of the other staff was already there when we arrived. Shazzer chose a seat at the end of the table. Alex was sitting across from her and her other side was occupied by Katie.
“Tammy, sit here,” Babs called, gesturing to the chair next to her. Next to Joshua.
I expected Joshua and me to spar with our usual banter, but he was chatting up Jamie on the other side of him and I was soon bored.
“Shazzer,” I hissed down the table.
“What?”
“Let’s leave.”
She looked over at Joshua and curled her lip. I shrugged.
“Bye Joshua,” she said liltingly as I threw a ten-dollar bill on the table.
“You’re leaving?” he asked me.
“Yep,” I said pointedly, annoyed that he had been ignoring me.
“Well, you can’t go without giving me a kiss on the cheek,” he said.
I furrowed my brow. He had turned to the side and tilted his head so his cheek was facing up toward me.
Why not, I thought. They do it all the time in Europe. Don’t they?
I leaned toward him, lips puckered. At the last split-second before my lips met his cheek, Joshua turned his head again, causing me to kiss him quickly on the lips.
“Bye, Tammy,” he called as I gathered up my things and left before he could see how red my face had become.
The next morning, I walked by myself to the mess hall. After the campers had departed, I’d moved my stuff to the Girls’ Cabin for the weekend to avoid any more uncomfortable nights with just me and Mal. Shazzer and Babs were snoring, but I couldn’t sleep and counted the minutes until the cafeteria opened.
As I started up toward the mess hall, I heard voices on the path behind me. Furtively, I glanced backward. Ahrun and Ferg. Oh great. Wonder who they shagged last night.
I quickened my pace in order to avoid walking with them.
“Tammy!” Ferg hooted. “The word around camp is that you snogged Joshua last night.”
I turned to glare at them. I had no idea what the translation of “snog” in American was, but it didn’t sound good. “I did not!”
“Joshua told us that you and he kissed. Is that not true?” Ahrun asked in a much quieter voice. I couldn’t tell from his casualness if he was jealous or not. I also didn’t know if I could deny it again since we had kissed. Technically.
“Are you and Joshua going to be the newest camp couple?” Ahrun prompted me when I didn’t reply.
“No. I’m nobody’s girlfriend.”
Ferg and Ahrun both laughed.
I managed to avoid Joshua all day Saturday, but on Sunday we had a camp meeting about the following week’s campers. Shazzer, Babs, and I sat at our own table. I didn’t outright tell my friends that I was avoiding the boys, but I think they picked up on it anyway. I was sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop throughout the meeting, hoping the sugar would keep from falling asleep. Plus, one of the tenets of Cosmo for attracting guys is that you should try to draw attention to your mouth whenever possible. Not that I wanted or needed any more male attention.
During break, Joshua approached me.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” Is this where he tells me he was sorry about our “snog?” That it was all a mistake? Is that what I wanted to be: a mistake?
Or maybe he was going to tell me that it wasn’t a mistake and that he was madly in love with me and wanted more.
“Can I have a lolli?”
“Um...” I hoped that by lolli he meant a sucker and that lolli wasn’t yet another English expression for making out. “I don’t have one here, but I have more in my room. I’ll get it after the meeting.”
It was nearly dark when we were finally done. I walked out with Shazzer, but Joshua was waiting by the path to my cabin. “Ready to go get that lolli?”
“Sure,” I said shyly.
He followed me back to the cabin and waited on the porch while I found the forsaken sucker. I brought it back outside.
“Tammy, will you walk with me?” It was a clear night, and the stars were coming out.
“Sure,” I replied, my heartbeat speeding up.
We walked down to the boat dock in silence.
He sat down on the wood planks of the dock, dangling his feet over the water, but then decided to sprawl out on his back. I followed suit, and there we were lying together, side by side.
To break the silence, I pointed out some constellations. “There’s Orion. He’s the hunter. And there’s Cepheus, his dog.”
“Oh yeah? Where again?”
I leaned over him to point. “There.”
“You’re so smart, Tammy,” he said as I dropped my arm by my side.
I didn’t know what to say to that, and we fell into silence again. I had never lain on the ground with a boy, watching the stars come out. Was he going to kiss me? I was not sure if I wanted him to, seeing as I had never committed the act sober. I mean, I made out with plenty of boys, but the actual nuances of a first kiss are kind of lost when you’ve been drinking.
The night air was calm. Our peaceful silence was interrupted only by the buzzing of mosquitoes around our heads. I sat up as I felt one near my ear. Joshua sat up too.
He reached out to brush something off of my face. Although it was dark, I could sense him coming in closer.
Here it comes, I thought. In my non-drunken state, I wasn’t sure if I should lean in or tilt my head, or tilt my head and then lean in. I pursed my lips and waited.
At that exact moment I heard Shazzer’s voice cut through the night. “Tammy, where are you?”
“I’m here” I called, relaxing my lips and straightening up.
“Are you with Joshua?” she asked, closer now.
“Um…” I glanced at him. He was dangling his legs near the water again, his arms at his sides.
Shazzer appeared, her white shirt glowing in the evening darkness. “Joshua’s a whore, Tammy.”
Joshua got to his feet and walked off, calling out, “Goodnight, girls,” before he was out of earshot.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked Shazzer as she took Joshua’s seat on the dock.
“What?”
“Why did you call him… that?”
“A whore?” She shrugged. “I heard some other people talking about it. Apparently he hooks up with multiple someones every summer.”
“Oh.” I said.
She must have detected the disappointment in my voice because she hit me lightly on the shoulder. “It’s fine, Tammy. Just use him for what he is and have fun with it.”
“Ri-ight then,” I replied in my best English accent. “Fun.”
A couple of days into the next week, Babs ran up to me. “Tammy, I have good news about Joshua!”
“What?”
“Well, we were talking at breakfast, and since he’s the best-looking single guy, I told him that he is the top bachelor, and as such, must favor some girls over others.”
“And?”
“Then he said, ‘Probably my first pick would be Tammy.’”
“Oh.” I could feel my face getting hot.
“Then I asked, ‘Who’s your second?’ And he said, ‘Uh, Tamara Tymes.’”
I nodded. I still didn’t know how he figured out my real name.
“And then,” Babs continued. “When I asked him his third, he said ‘Well, I’d have to say… Tammy T.’”
“Oh,” I said again.
Babs grabbed my arm. “He has to go get his wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow. I guess they are giving him a lot of pain.”
“So?”
“So, he told me, ‘Before I get all gross, I kind of want to kiss her. Again. For real this time.’” Babs looked over at me. “You do want him to kiss you, don’t you?”
“I don’t know.” I felt like an inexperienced idiot next to all my coworkers at Camp Cesspool. Shazzer said that Joshua was only out for “a good time,” and I didn’t think that I was exactly qualified to provide that, given my V-status. At the same time, I wasn’t really ready for a relationship, let alone one that was automatically guaranteed to be dead in the water by the end of the summer.
I decided to avoid Joshua like his wisdom teeth problem was an infectious disease. I made it my goal to not be unaccompanied all day long, which was fairly easy to do as we had Family Camp that week and I was in charge of the nursery. With Mal.
After lunch, Mal disappeared to go on break. I was left in the nursery by myself with eight screaming babies. I picked one up and held her in my arms as I glanced out the window. I could see Joshua approaching, sauntering up the stone path leading to the cabin.
Oh no.
“Hey, Tammy, come here for a moment.”
I walked from the main room to the doorway. He stood just inside the screen door.
My heart started beating rapidly. It was the middle of the day and really hot out. Unlike the other night, I didn’t even have the cover of darkness to hide my sweaty face.
“Joshua, can it wait? I’m so busy and Mal just went on break.”
“No,” he said, approaching me. “It can’t wait.” He gently grabbed my elbow and pulled me into the kitchen.
I could see his face getting closer and closer. I tilted my head upward, still clutching the screaming baby.
And then he kissed me. My breath caught as I felt a wetness trickle down my bra. We both looked down at my shirt. The baby had drooled into my cleavage.
Joshua grinned sheepishly at me and walked out of the nursery.
Hmm. I thought, settling the baby into a pack n’ play. It wasn’t the most romantic kiss in the history of the world.
But it wasn’t the worst either.
I stayed in the nursery through my own break. I knew how fast news of snogging traveled around here, and I wasn’t ready to run into any of my coworkers.
Instead, after wiping my chest thoroughly, I sat down to doodle with some of the toddlers.
“What are you coloring?” a little girl with wild curls asked me.
I looked down. I had chosen a picture of a doctor teddy bear. Without even thinking, I had written the words “Good luck, Joshua” across the top of it.
Later, I asked Ahrun if he could give it to Joshua. Ahrun gave me a knowing look and agreed.
The next day, Joshua approached me at lunch. His mouth was swollen and there were drops of dried blood stuck in his beard stubble.
“Thanks for the picture.” He attempted a smile.
I nodded.
“I’m going to make you one in return. A portrait.”
“Of what?”
“Tammy T. Tymes.”
“Me? How? I can’t draw anything without a picture in front of me.”
“I have your face memorized,” he told me.
“Oh.”
“Hey,” he swallowed painfully. “On the way to doctor, Denny told me what a sweet girl you are.”
Sweet. It had been a long time since someone had called me that. If anyone at E-C were to refer to me, I would think they would think—thanks to Dallas and the hordes of other failed attempts at relationships—they would use the terms, stalker or psycho. I was about to ask why my name had come up in conversation, but he gave me a casual swat on my arm and walked off.
I probably should have felt mad that they were talking about me like some object, but instead I found myself wondering what Joshua’s reply had been.
As I walked my girls back to the cabin to get ready for swim time, I reflected on the past couple of days. This was all so new. The boundaries that I usually put up between me and guys I liked weren’t there. With the guys I’d gotten close to previously, Adam (the Leach), Kerr, a few nameless others, I could easily forget about them when they were out of sight, and, after the Dallas debacle, I never directly tried to seek them out. But when Joshua wasn’t near, I missed him. I’d go for walks on my free time near his cabin to see if he was around. I wasn’t purposely stalking him Dallas-style, it was just something that I just found myself doing subconsciously. I realized I felt better when I was with him—when he wasn’t around, I felt empty.
The next Friday night happened to be Ferg’s birthday. We went to a different bar this time, and everyone was sitting out in the beer garden when Shazzer and I got there. Babs sat next to Joshua but stood up when she saw me. Shazzer nudged me forward. I quickly sat down in Babs’s previous seat before Shazzer’s elbow caused me to tumble over.
“They’re not as careful with ID’s here,” Babs whispered to me.
“Do want a drink?” Joshua asked.
“Just a beer.” As soon as he left, Shazzer elbowed me again.
“Are you two the newest camp couple or what? Are you going to make out with him tonight, Tammy?”
“I don’t know,” I told her loudly.
Ahrun lurched over. He’d obviously been at the bar for a while; I could smell the alcohol on him. “Don’t you know they’ve kissed already? In the nursery?” he slurred.
Both Shazzer and my mouth dropped open.
“They did?” she asked at the same time I shouted “How did you know that?”
Joshua came back over holding two beers. His head swiveled between Ahrun—who nearly tumbled over as he walked away—and Shazzer and I, who were both glaring at his back.
“I’m going to need a drink,” Shazzer said, grabbing both beers from Joshua and handing one to me. Joshua gazed at me, and I shrugged. He left again, presumably to get another beer before Shazzer started in on him.
I hung out with Shazzer most of the night, discussing whether the fact that Joshua blabbed to Ahrun about our kiss was a good thing or a bad thing. Ferg, Ahrun, and Joshua took turns buying us drinks. When it was Joshua’s turn, he’d approach, glance at me, deliver the beers, and leave again.
I was too nervous (or not drunk enough) to actually converse with him.
Near the end of the night, I felt his hand close over mine. He pulled me away from Shazzer. “Tammy, why won’t you talk to me?”
“I don’t know.” The nerves had resurfaced and I found myself at a loss for words. Joshua’s arm was firmly tucked behind his back. When I tapped it, he brought it forward. He was holding a single carnation. “Do you like it? I bought it from some vendor.” He handed it to me.
“Thank you.”
“Tammy, I hope you know that I really, really like you. I’m hoping that someday soon we’ll hook-up.”
I wasn’t sure if the English version of hooking-up translated to the same thing in American: a one-night stand. “Joshua, what are you looking for?” Even I was surprised at my own forwardness.
“I kind of want this to mean something,” he replied, hesitantly. “What about you?”
I shrugged. I knew I didn’t want yet another drunken make-out session that ended awkwardly, but did I want something meaningful too? I realized then how scared I was. Afraid that I was leading him on, of making him really like me.
Or maybe I was afraid because maybe in all actuality I wasn’t “leading” him on. Maybe I really did like him back. And that was the scariest thought of all.
“We should get back before Shazzer sends out a search party,” I told him.
Everyone that was over 21 decided to go out to a club. Usually this was the time that Shazzer and I would go back to one of our cabins and gossip about the night, but this time Joshua hitched a ride with us.
“Tammy, where do I drop you off?” Shazzer asked me when we got back to camp.
“What?” I said, not guessing her hidden meaning. I was sitting in the passenger seat, and I suddenly felt Joshua’s hand on my shoulder. “Just go to the parking lot, I’ll walk with you,” he stated.
“What about me?” Shazzer asked.
“I’ll walk with both of you.”
When we got out of the car, Joshua pulled me back as Shazzer kept walking forward.
“I hear you two. I know what you are doing,” she said loudly, although we weren’t actually doing anything. Joshua dropped his arm from mine as soon as I fell into step with him.
“Tammy, I really can’t spend any more time with her tonight,” he whispered in my ear.
“Who?” I asked, wondering if he was referring to his Someone Else.
“Shazzer,” he said, nodding at her back.
“Right.”
“Will you come back to my cabin with me and hang out for a little while?”
“I guess so,” I told him as Shazz steamed off in the other direction.
I slept in Joshua’s cabin, although we didn’t do anything more than just kiss. I had never spent the entire night with a guy before. Even after the infamous massage, I had hightailed it out of Kerr’s room in the middle of the night. But I guess maybe all that beer had given me enough courage not to leave.
I woke early the next morning. The sun was just rising and the cabin was getting lighter. We were in the counselor’s room, which was smaller than the main room and separated from the where the campers slept by a privacy wall.
With a start, I realized that Ahrun’s sweatshirt was thrown over the bunk on the other side of the room. Ahrun! Of course. Joshua and Ahrun were bunkmates. I got out of bed as quickly as I could without waking Joshua. I walked back to my cabin still clad in my clothes from last night, praying not to run into anyone, especially not Ahrun on his way back from wherever he spent the night. My first walk of shame.
I was sharing a cabin that week with Jamie. She was snoring when I went in, and thankfully she was alone. I changed quietly and walked to the program leaders’ cabin. Shazzer and Babs were awake, sitting on their beds gossiping. Both were still in their pajamas.
“Hey girl, did you do him?” Shazzer asked by way of greeting.
“Yeah, Tammy, you look like you’ve been up all night,” Babs added.
I grinned sheepishly at the two of them. “I think I like him. But now what?” I figured things between Joshua and I would get weird again, like the night after the “snogging.”
“What do you mean now what? You two are dating, right?”
“I don’t know.” I replied, feeling inexperienced and naïve. Again.
“Let’s go get the boys and go out for breakfast,” Shazzer said excitedly.
We set out to locate “the boys.” Babs went off to Joshua’s cabin and Shazzer and I wandered up towards Ferg’s, hoping we wouldn’t find Katie there. She wasn’t, but Ahrun was. None of us, thankfully, said anything about why he might have chosen to sleep there last night.
When we arrived in the parking lot, the six of us glanced at Shazzer’s small car. Babs, being slightly heavyset, claimed the front. Ferg made Ahrun shove over into the “bitch” middle seat. Joshua turned to me. “You can sit in my lap, Tammy.” But I ended up sitting in the middle, one butt cheek on the seat, the other balanced between Ahrun and Joshua, acting as a “boy-buffer,” so no gentleman’s leg was touching another’s.
At brunch, I talked to Shazzer the whole time, ignoring Joshua again. But he paid for my meal anyway. It occurred to me then, with that small gesture, that we were a couple. I sat in his lap on the way back to camp.