PRESENT DAY
I wake before Eden does. She is fast asleep next to me, hugging the pillow, her lips parted. She is beautiful. I write te amo on her bare back with my index finger, then press my lips to her shoulder blade. She looks so peaceful, and I don’t want to wake her, so I leave her to sleep while I slide out of bed and grab our clothes from the floor. I clean up the shards of broken glass that I smashed last night, too.
Last summer, I hated the beach party. This year, I have replaced those bad memories with good ones, better ones. Last night was amazing. There is a new weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel lighter somehow, like telling Eden my secrets has taken away some of the pressure pushing down on me.
I shower, pull back on last night’s clothes, then fetch myself a glass of water in the kitchen. As I gulp it down, I use the remainder of what is left of my phone’s battery to check up on the outside world that I tuned out of last night. I have missed calls from Tiffani and Dean. Messages from them too, asking where I am and if I’m okay and if I’m up to no good. Sure, I was up to no good, but not the kind they’re thinking of.
Just then, my phone rings in my hand, and it is TJ calling. I clear my throat and answer it.
“Hey,” he says as soon as I pick up. Before even giving me a chance to get a word in, he asks, “Are you still at my apartment?”
“Yeah,” I admit. Shit, he knows I’ve spent the night here now.
“Okay, well, get out,” TJ orders with a laugh. “This girl has kicked me out, and I haven’t slept, so I really don’t want to have guests to entertain when I get there.”
“Sure. Thanks, by the way,” I say, glancing at the clock on the wall. It’s only nine, so it’s still early for a Sunday morning. I’ll need to wake Eden, but as I’m hanging up the call, I can already hear her muffled voice calling my name.
I grab her clothes that I’ve folded for her and head back to the bedroom, slowly elbowing the door open. Eden is sitting up in bed with the sheets hugged to her chest, our eyes meeting.
“I was just about to wake you up,” I say, smiling at her. I can’t help it.
“I thought you left,” she says quietly.
She thought I left? She thought I would really disappear after what happened last night? “I’m not that much of an asshole,” I reassure her, then glance over to the window. I’ve never really done this before, the waking up with someone new thing, but I would never leave. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.” When I look back at Eden, I realize she is staring at her clothes in my hands. I walk forward and set them down on the bed. “Here,” I say, but I’m feeling . . . I don’t know. Not embarrassed, but more unsure, anxious.
“Are you okay?” Eden asks. Her voice is raspy. Should I have gotten her some more water?
“Sorry. I’m—I’m not really used to, like, this,” I admit, but my cheeks are blazing with heat. The only girl I’ve ever been with is Tiffani, so this is totally new to me. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t know what she wants me to do. I figure, though, that talking would be a good start. “We should probably talk about, uh, last night.”
Eden blinks at me, then lowers her voice in the most attractive way possible and asks, “Was I bad?”
“No, no,” I say, rolling my eyes as I laugh. God, she’s so innocent. She has no idea that spending last night with her has been one of the best moments I’ve ever experienced. “I meant more along the lines of . . . you know, where do we stand now?”
She looks at me, and I look at her. Where do we stand? This is so much more than just harmless flirting and accidental kisses, but can it even go much further? Can this ever develop into an actual relationship? Even if Tiffani wasn’t in my life, it doesn’t change the fact that Eden and I are stepsiblings. What we did last night . . . Maybe it was wrong, but maybe I don’t care. Eden matters to me more than what other people think of us.
“I’m not sure,” she says after a while. She frowns. “Where do you want us to stand?”
“I’m not sure,” I repeat, heaving a sigh as I shove my hands into my pockets. Last night meant a lot to me, and I really hope Eden feels the same way. It would destroy me if she didn’t. “Answer me this: Do you regret it?”
“No,” she answers without missing a beat, and relief fills me. “Do you?”
“You know I don’t,” I murmur, a smile capturing my lips again. I grab her clothes and bring them to her, placing them in her lap. “We’ll figure all of this out. Eventually. But for now, get dressed, because we really need to go,” I tell her. We need to be gone before he gets here. “Troy-James just called and he’s on his way home.”
Eden blushes and pulls the sheets tighter around her, hiding her chest. “Can you, uh, give me a sec?” she mumbles.
“You’re acting like I haven’t seen you naked,” I joke, but I realize that she is clearly uncomfortable, so I nod and head for the door. “Be quick.”
I head back through the apartment and tidy up the living room, even plumping up the cushions, and then I call a cab. It’s the only way we are getting home today, because there is absolutely no chance of me calling anyone I know for a ride. How damn suspicious would that be? Hey, can you give me and my stepsister a ride home from someone’s apartment first thing on this fine Sunday morning? No way. People would definitely find that too weird, so I’ll stick to the cab. It says it’ll be here in five, so I finish cleaning up, tipping all of the broken shards of glass into the trash can just as Eden emerges from the bedroom fully dressed.
“I called us a cab,” I tell her, checking my watch. It’s nearing ten. “I know it’s weird, but I can’t exactly ask someone for a ride without having them wonder what the hell we’ve been doing. We can’t look suspicious, remember? The cab driver won’t know us. It should be here any second.”
“Where are my shoes?” Eden asks, and it’s only then that I realize she’s barefoot. As she runs her fingers through the ends of her tangled hair, her gaze searches the apartment.
“I don’t know,” I say. I look around too, but I haven’t seen them while I was tidying up. They’re just shoes, though. It’s not the end of the world. “But we need to get outta here.”
“But my shoes—”
“I’ll buy you a new pair; now come on,” I cut in. They were Converse, I remember. I will replace them if I need to, if it’ll keep her happy. I head over to the door and pull it open while Eden reluctantly joins me, then I lock up and hide the key under the doormat like TJ asked me to.
Eden sprints off into the elevator without me, and I quickly join her inside before the doors close. The floor must be cold, because she is bouncing on her feet. We are about to head home, and I already know that we are going to be in trouble. Our parents wouldn’t have wanted us to go to that party, and they wouldn’t have wanted us to stay out all night, and they definitely wouldn’t have wanted us to sleep together.
“I don’t think we should mention last night to our parents,” I say quietly as the elevator heads down. I can only imagine what would happen if they ever find out. I think we’d be disowned, honestly.
“I don’t think we should mention last night to anyone,” Eden says with a small laugh, but then she goes silent. The color drains from her face and she stares at the elevator doors. Is she thinking the same as I am? It’s like panic has cut straight through her.
I slip my hand into hers, offering her reassurance. She looks up at me, her frozen gaze meeting mine, and the smile I give her is true and genuine—it’s mine. We’re in this together. I’m right here. I’ve got her.
The elevator doors ping open again, and I lead Eden out of the building and into the cab that is waiting for us outside. My hand never leaves hers and we climb into the backseat together. The cab driver doesn’t question us on why Eden is barefoot, or why we look like we’ve been out all night, or why our clothes most likely stink of booze. I think the driver herself is hungover, and she seems to repeatedly make wrong turns, dragging out the dreaded ride home. Eden and mine’s hands are still intertwined in her lap, and I’m rubbing soft circles on the back of her hand with my thumb. Sure, our parents may kill us, but last night is so worth any punishment.
When we finally get back to the house, we don’t go inside immediately. We are mentally preparing ourselves. “Where did you tell them you were going last night?” I ask Eden.
“The movies,” she says.
Oh, she didn’t. Even though I’m anxious about heading inside, I can’t fight my laughter. “The movies? Where’s your originality?”
Eden purses her lips at me, narrowing her eyes. I love it when she does that. “What was your excuse?”
“They didn’t get one,” I say. “I left before they could notice.”
“Well that doesn’t surprise me.”
We take a deep breath, muster up some courage, then head into the house together. It is silent apart from the sound of the TV. Cautiously, we enter the living room. Mom is on the couch, intensely studying a bunch of papers in her hands, and Jamie is watching TV while he rests his fractured wrist on a pillow. He turns to look at us, glowering.
At first, I don’t think Mom has even noticed us, but then she loudly calls out, “Dave, they’re home,” in a hard tone without even looking up from whatever the hell it is that she’s reading. She’s pissed. I can hear it in her voice.
Dave comes storming down the hall and into the living room within seconds. It’s early Sunday morning, and he’s wearing fucking sweatpants. He throws himself in front of us and barks, “What do you have to say for yourselves?”
“The movie was good?” Eden offers up as an answer. I give her a firm look. She shouldn’t even to attempt to lie her way out of this, because that reply was honestly far from believable.
Dave grits his teeth and places his hands on his hips, his stance threatening. Or at least as threatening as it can be in those sweatpants. “You two went to that beach party, didn’t you?”
Mom glances up from her papers. I don’t even waste my breath answering Dave, because he and Mom aren’t oblivious. The entire city would have known about the party, and it is not hard to figure out that we were most likely there.
Suddenly, Eden bursts into tears by my side, and my gaze flicks over to her in surprise. “My friends took me there after the movies,” she blurts out through tears, though I know her different tones so well by now that I realize she isn’t really upset. I don’t know what she’s doing, but she keeps on going, forcing herself to cry even harder. Is she hoping her dad will take pity on her? “I didn’t even know what it was!”
God, she is so bad at this. It’s almost embarrassing. I need to stop her from digging herself a deeper hole, so I release the sigh I’m holding and fix my attention back on Dave. “I chose to go,” I admit nonchalantly. I shrug at him, narrowing my eyes. When I talk to Dave, I am talking to him as Tyler Bruce. It’s second nature. “What are you gonna do? Ground my ass for another five years?”
Dave eyeballs us both as his nostrils flare. Eden is still dramatically sobbing next to me and Mom watches silently from the couch. She’ll be mad at me too, but it seems today, she is choosing to just stay quiet. Maybe she feels as though she’s yelled at me enough for one week.
“Where have you been all night?” Dave questions, seemingly letting my remarks slide.
“We all crashed at Dean’s place,” I answer before Eden can. I don’t want her babbling more lame excuses. At least mine are believable. “Just chill out. It’s summer.”
“Oh,” Dave says as his eyes widen. He blinks fast for dramatic effect and gives us a smile full of sarcasm. “My bad. I forgot that it’s summer, so that means you can do whatever the hell you want. Sincerest apologies.” In the background, Jamie is snickering. Dave exhales, shaking his head as his scowl returns. “This isn’t the first time you haven’t come home, Eden.”
“It’s just sleepovers,” Eden innocently mumbles.
“That’s not the point!” he yells.
“Then what is?” she fires back at him.
Dave can’t answer her. He only glares at her, his lips moving as though he’s trying to find the words to reply, the veins in his forehead popping. He looks at me instead. “You’re impossible, so I’m not even going to say anything. Just go upstairs. Get out of here.” He shoots Jamie a look too, one that probably asks for privacy, because Jamie gets to his feet.
“Fine by me,” I say casually. I don’t need Dave yelling at me anyway. Eden is looking at me, her features still tight with worry, and I give her a reassuring smile. She’ll be okay. If she can handle me, then she can definitely handle her dad. As Jamie crosses the living room, I throw my arm around his shoulders and leave the room with him. “How’s that wrist, kid?”
“Broken,” Jamie deadpans, and I laugh as we head upstairs together. I would have answered the exact same way when I was younger. “Can you stop staying out all night? Mom hates it. We don’t know if you’re alive or dead.”
I frown. Sometimes I forget that at the end of the day, I am only seventeen. All of this disappearing will send Mom into a mental breakdown eventually. She is staying strong for now, but I hate that I test her patience so much. “I know she does,” I say with a sigh, then give Jamie a tight smile as I squeeze his shoulder. I wish I could do better. I wish I could offer them more.
Jamie disappears into his room and slams the door behind him with just enough aggression to get the memo across that even he is growing frustrated with me. My fourteen-year-old fucking brother. Why do I keep doing this to them?
“I’m sorry,” I say out loud in the hall, but there is no one around to hear my apologies.
With my head low, I make my way into my own room and collapse down onto my bed. Even though I didn’t drink much at all last night, I can feel a pounding headache beginning to form. I check my phone, but the battery is dead. I hook it up to charge and then get to my feet, pulling off my shirt and throwing it to one side as I head into my bathroom. I feel as though I need to shower all over again. I feel . . . I don’t know. Guilty, I guess. Last night was wrong and for more than just one reason.
I step out of my jeans and turn on the water, letting it cascade over me, burning my skin. I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my forehead against the wall, breathing in the steam. So many different thoughts are racing through my head, and I try to gather them, to put them into some sort of order, but everything is just so complicated. I need to get my shit together. All the drinking isn’t even worth the few hours of distraction it gives me. The drugs are ruining my life. Declan Portwood and his crew aren’t the kind of people I should be surrounded by. I don’t want to keep on letting Mom down every single day, and I want to be there for my brothers. I don’t have the energy to keep on dealing with Tiffani, to maintain such a bullshit relationship. What am I really doing wasting my time with her? She could ruin my life, I know that, but I think I might just be willing to accept that if it means I can end things for good.
And Eden . . . I would do anything for her. She’s the first girl I’ve ever found myself thinking seriously about, the first girl I’ve ever been myself around, the first girl I’ve ever fallen in love with. I’m not throwing what I have with Eden away. I’m not ruining this like how I’ve ruined everything else.
It’s Monday tomorrow. A new week, a clean slate. I’m going to fix everything.
I sit on the floor of the shower for half an hour, the water pouring over my face, washing away all of the negativity in my life, and when I finally get up and switch it off, I feel rejuvenated. Hopeful. Optimistic.
I am going to do better.
I pull on a fresh pair of jeans, dry my hair with a towel, and am just slipping a clean shirt over my head when I hear footsteps racing upstairs. I expect it to be Mom, or maybe even Eden, but it is neither of them. My bedroom door bursts open at its hinges as Tiffani storms into my room. Does no one ever actually check to see who’s at the front door in this house? It seems like Tiffani is forever letting herself in.
“You,” she spits. There is a storm forming in her blue eyes as she marches across the room toward me and slams her shoulder into my bicep, pushing me out of her way. She’s only wearing sweatpants and a tank top. Her hair in a ponytail. No makeup. It’s rare for me to see her like this, and I get the immediate sense that something is really, really wrong. She’s pissed.
“If this is about me disappearing last night . . .” I say as I watch her cross my room and peer into my bathroom. “I didn’t do anything stupid, Tiff. I left, actually. I didn’t want to be there after last year.”
“Your bed is made,” Tiffani points out, nodding behind me as she comes to a standstill directly in front of me. She places her hands on her hips and presses her lips together. “When have you ever made your bed? You didn’t come home last night. Where is she?”
“What? Where’s who?” I splutter, blinking fast. What the hell is going on?
Tiffani has already swiveled around, though, striding back out of my room. I’m quick to follow her, desperately chasing her into the hall as she pushes open the door to Eden’s room now instead. My heartbeat rockets. Is she . . . Is she looking for Eden?
“Tiffani,” I say, following her into Eden’s room. She isn’t even here, and Tiffani wildly circles the room in aggravation before she pushes her way past me again and back out into the hall. I reach for her elbow, trying to pull her back so that she can explain to me what the hell she is doing and why she is here, but she suddenly tenses up.
“Oh, here she is,” she announces with bitter satisfaction as she shakes my hand off her arm. “You’re just in time.”
I look up over Tiffani’s shoulder and my face immediately pales when I see Eden paused on the staircase, staring back at us with wide eyes full of confusion. She’s in her workout gear, and it looks like she’s just got back from a run. She is still breathing heavily, and I shake my head slowly at her as I run a hand through my hair. It is Eden that Tiffani is searching for.
“In time for what?” Eden asks, glancing warily between Tiffani’s outraged expression and my panicked gaze. There’s no way . . . There’s no way Tiffani knows what went down last night. But then why is she here?
“I need to talk to you both, because in case you can’t tell, I am pissed the hell off,” Tiffani says, and she spins around to face me. She holds up a clenched fist, her knuckles trembling from the pressure. “I am this close to punching you in the face, Tyler.”
“What have I done this time?” I ask, feigning innocence. I already know that it’s useless, and I already know that Tiffani will swing at me if she gets angry enough, so I step away from her. Better to be safe than sorry.
“What have you done? Are you seriously asking?” she says in disbelief, her mouth open. She looks younger without all the makeup, but right now, I think she might just be the most furious I have ever seen her. She inhales deeply, keeping her cool, and then firmly orders, “Backyard. Now.”
She turns away from me, shoving Eden to one side and against the wall as she pushes her way downstairs. Eden narrows her eyes after her, then flashes her gaze back to me, searching for an explanation. And honestly, all I know is that this isn’t going to be pretty.
“Fuck,” I mouth, burying my face into my hands. I am praying with absolutely everything in me that Tiffani hasn’t figured out the truth, that she isn’t here to confront me about my relationship with Eden.
Tiffani has paused at the foot of the stairs to look back up at us both. “I can talk to you both outside or I can talk to you right here,” she says slowly, placing a hand back on her hip as she casts a quick glance toward the living room. Our parents are in there. She lowers her voice, adding, “And trust me, I think you’d rather I spoke to you outside.”
She definitely knows what’s going on. There is no hiding from this, no denying it. We have no choice but to face Tiffani and the consequences. There is a lump forming in my throat as I reluctantly begin to move, guiding Eden downstairs in front of me as we follow in Tiffani’s path down the hall, through the kitchen, and outside into the backyard.
The sun is bright and blinding, and the tense silence between us all is almost unbearable. Eden looks terrified, and I think she may have realized what’s going on too. We both know that we’ve been caught, and that it is far too late to do anything about it.
“Soooooooo,” Tiffani says. She is facing us both, but she remains several feet away.
“So . . .” I echo. I’m surprised I can even speak. My throat is so dry, and I’m just waiting for Tiffani to lay the truth out in front of us.
“So I woke up to a text from TJ this morning,” she begins, keeping her voice clear and slow. Her fierce eyes are flickering between Eden and me, most likely waiting for one of us to crack. “And you know, I’m getting real sick of other people talking to me about us hooking up, Tyler, because half the fucking time it’s not even me.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, pulling a face. It’s another pathetic attempt at digging my way out of this, but I’m only wasting my breath. Tiffani’s glare sharpens as she locks her eyes on me, and from beside me, even Eden is looking at me in disbelief as though she can’t believe I’m even trying to deny it.
“Don’t start, Tyler. Just don’t,” Tiffani hisses at me, giving me a small shake of her head. Her tone is changing. It’s growing harsher, angrier, and her words are becoming faster and ragged. “He made a joke about us hooking up last night, because his room was a total mess, and we both know perfectly fine that it wasn’t me.”
It’s almost a reflex at this point to automatically begin conjuring up excuses for my wrongdoings, and although I know that it is pointless, I can’t help but try. “Look, baby, I didn’t hook up with anyone,” I say quickly, lowering my voice, trying to sound gentle as I step toward her. “I just forgot to tidy the place up after—”
“Shut UP!” Tiffani screams at me, and it instantly silences me. She’s losing it now, and when Tiffani loses her temper, she is unpredictable. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. When she opens them again, her gaze is almost calm, like she is back in control. She angles toward Eden as her mouth forms a cruel smirk. “Eden, didn’t you want your shoes?”
The color drains from Eden’s face and she parts her lips, searching for words that never arrive. She doesn’t know what to say, and neither do I. We’re so screwed. Eventually, she manages to whisper, “How did you—”
“Because TJ asked if I’d had a good night and then said I’d left behind my Converse,” Tiffani cuts in sharply. The roughness to her voice is back again, and so is the fire in her blue eyes. “Asked me what the words written on them meant. I sure as hell remember you waving yours around the entire night. The ones with the lyrics on them, right?” She cocks her head to one side, her glare almost threatening. “By the way, you’re not getting those back. I told him I didn’t want them and asked him to toss them in the trash for me.”
“But Tyler’s my—” Eden tries, but her attempts at denial are as useless as mine were.
“Stepbrother?” Tiffani finishes. She is so angry now that tears are welling in her eyes, and she wipes them away, placing her hands on her hips. “Yeah, I know. I just spent the past half hour arguing with myself. I was like, ‘No way, they’re totally related.’ But I’ve watched Clueless before, okay? You know, when Cher falls for her stepbrother? I’m not STUPID.”
So, this is it. Tiffani really does know the truth.
We should have been more careful. I should have kept my distance from Eden until I cleared up this mess with Tiffani. I’ve betrayed her, I’ve been selfish, and as much as I can’t stand Tiffani, I know that this has hurt her. I can see the fury in her eyes, but I can also see the pain. She isn’t fighting back her tears now. But did she care when she was controlling my life for the past three years? Did she even care that I didn’t want to be with her anyway?
Maybe this is the end of us. I didn’t want it to happen like this, but if this is what it takes to finally have Tiffani let go, then I’ll take it. She can’t be with someone who has gone behind her back like this. She can’t be with someone who has cheated on her. We are both better off without one another, and I hope she sees that now.
I glance sideways at Eden, but she is paralyzed. She is staring at Tiffani with wide eyes, barely blinking, her face still white. She is terrified, and I wish I could reach over and take her hand in mine so that she knows I’m here, that we’re in this together, that everything will be okay.
“You didn’t really hook up with Jake, did you, Eden?” Tiffani asks weakly, breaking the silence.
“No,” Eden whispers. She looks down at the ground, starting to blink again now, but I think it’s only because she’s holding back tears herself. It’s okay, I’m here.
“It was you that night at the pier,” Tiffani says through her sobs. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen Tiffani cry. At least not like this. “You’re a liar.”
“I know,” Eden says, and her husky voice is cracked with guilt. “I’m a liar. I’m a bitch. I’m a terrible friend.”
This is really between Tiffani and me. My relationship with Eden would never have come to this if Tiffani had just let me go, if she hadn’t blackmailed me into staying with her. I’m not letting her confront Eden like this, not when it is only mine and Tiffani’s fault. I want her out of my life.
“You know what, Tiffani?” I say loudly, clearing my throat and stepping in between her and Eden. I narrow my eyes at the girl crying in front of me, at the girl who has controlled my every move for so long, and anger builds within me. It’s finally my turn to get my say. It’s finally time to end this all for good. “I don’t even want to be with you. I’ve wasted three years because you blackmailed me into staying with you. Do whatever you want. Tell everyone everything you know about me, because having you keep it a secret isn’t worth the effort it takes to put up with you,” I tell her, and she is staring back at me with wide, swollen eyes and her mouth slightly hung open in shock, but I don’t care. She isn’t the victim here; neither of us is. We just aren’t good together, and all we do is hurt one another. “We’re over. Sue me. Report me to the cops. I don’t care. I’m done.”
“This is all your fault!” Tiffani screams at Eden as she steps around me and throws up her hands. “I don’t even care about the fact that you’re basically siblings, which I should, because it’s disgusting, but no, the only thing I care about is that you’ve ruined everything.”
Eden, for some crazy reason or another, actually takes a step closer to her. “Tiffani, I didn’t mean for—”
I hold up a hand to stop her. Eden doesn’t need to apologize. She tried to convince me not to go through with this, to stay away from her unless I ended things with Tiffani, but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t stay away from her.
I set my gaze back on Tiffani and without even flinching, I firmly state, “It’s over, babe.” And man, it feels like the most satisfying thing in the world. Almost blissful. I step back and jab a finger toward the gate, ordering her to leave. There is nothing more to say.
Tiffani lets out a muffled wail and throws her hands back into her hair. “But you can’t break up with me!”
She is so pathetic, it is laughable. And I do laugh. Out loud. She needs to drop this. She needs to move on, to find someone else who she actually wants to be with for a more genuine, sincere reason. “Because I won’t be there to make you look cool? Because you won’t get to control me anymore?”
“Because I’m PREGNANT, Tyler!”
It’s like a punch in the gut, knocking the air straight out of me. The entire weight of the world crashes down on me and my chest tightens while my heart stops beating. I can’t hear a single noise. Not the passing cars out front, not even the breeze. Even my sight blurs, putting Tiffani out of focus as she buries her head in her hands and weeps even harder.
“What?” I whisper. I can barely speak. My voice is gone.
No . . . No way. This isn’t happening right now.
Tiffani begins retreating from me, backing across the yard toward the gate, her eyes never leaving mine. She is still sobbing, completely and entirely distraught.
“What’s all the screaming about?” a voice that sounds like Mom’s calls out across the yard, but it isn’t clear to me. It’s muffled, distorted. I’m not tuned into reality right now. Everything is fuzzy as I stare after Tiffani, watching her disappear in front of me.
She reaches the gate and pulls it open, but then she stops. Her pained gaze flicks away from me, and she takes a deep breath before she opens her mouth and yells, “You should know that he’s hooked on coke! And he’s started dealing too!”
And just like that, all of my senses snap back into function. My vision clears, my hearing sharpens. Fury takes over me, and just before Tiffani disappears through the gate, I growl, “You bitch!”
“Tyler,” I hear that voice say again, and it is Mom’s. I glance over to her. She is standing by the patio doors with Dave by her side, both of them staring at me in disbelief. Mom looks pale, her gaze agonizing, a hand pressed to her chest. “Please tell me I misheard that,” she says, her voice pleading. “Please, please tell me you’re not.”
I can’t look at anyone. Not Dave, not Mom, not Eden. What do they all think of me now? I’m ashamed of myself. I’m embarrassed. I’ve let them down. I can’t hurt them even more by lying, by denying it all. They deserve honesty from me right now. It’s the least I can give them. I tilt my head down to the ground and close my eyes. “I wish I wasn’t,” I say quietly, and my eyes sting with tears.
The shocked gasp Mom lets out pierces straight through me, and I squeeze my eyes shut even harder. It breaks my heart to put her through this, but letting her down is all I ever do. This time, though, it’s worse. She already knew I smoked, and although she didn’t approve, she knows it wasn’t the end of the world. But the coke . . . She didn’t know about that. And she definitely didn’t know that I’ve been dealing for the past few weeks. It’s the ultimate low point of my life, and I feel like the absolute worst son in the world right now.
Finally, I force myself to look up from the grass, to face my consequences. I see Eden first. She is staring straight at me, her expression horrified, and I have to look away just as quickly again. I’ve let her down too, and my guilt only presses down on me even harder. I look at Mom now, but her face is buried into Dave’s chest as he holds her tight while she sobs. He is rubbing her back, his intense eyes narrowed at me.
“Mom, don’t cry,” I murmur, but my voice is cracked and weak. “I’m not, like, addicted or anything. I just—well, it helps,” I quietly admit. It’s the truth. It does help. It lets me forget about my history, about Dad, for a few hours.
Mom tries to say something, but her voice is muffled against Dave’s shirt and she’s still crying so hard that her words are unintelligible. She is devastated, and it’s all because of me. I inflict this on her. I’m the one who keeps hurting her.
“Mom, breathe for a sec,” I say gently, and I slowly head across the yard toward her. She’s still huddled against Dave, but I place my hand on her shoulder, begging her to look at me. I need her to listen to me. I need her to forgive me.
But Mom only shakes my hand off her shoulder, then finally lifts her head to look at me. Through her tears, her eyes meet mine. “I said,” she whispers, “get out.”
“What?”
“Get out of this house.”
My blood runs cold again; a second punch to the gut. She’s . . . She’s kicking me out of the house? We’ve reached her breaking point. I’ve finally pushed her too far. She can’t handle me anymore, and if only I had been better, if only I had tried harder, then it would have never come to this. My heart is breaking into a million pieces, cutting through my chest. “Are you serious?”
Mom removes herself from Dave’s embrace and turns to face me. She is heartbroken. “Tyler, please,” she says, but her eyes well up all over again and a new wave of tears flow down her rosy cheeks. It pains me to see Mom cry, and it hurts even more knowing that I’m the reason why. “Just leave. I can’t handle this anymore.”
I am stunned into silence. Dave draws Mom back to him again, holding her tightly, offering her the support she needs. My gaze travels to Eden. She is still watching everything unfold in front of her and her plump lips are parted wide, her eyes even wider. Does she hate me now? Am I losing her too?
I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything. I’ve let everyone down.
I can’t look at anyone. My shame is too much. That’s why I keep my head down as I admit defeat, as I shove my hands anxiously into my pockets and force my frozen limbs to move. I brush past Mom and Dave as I head inside the house, and I am praying with everything in me that Mom will say my name, call me back and tell me that she didn’t mean it. That I don’t have to leave. That she still loves me despite how many mistakes I’ve made.
But she doesn’t say anything at all. This is really it.
There is bile rising in my stomach as I cross the kitchen and I feel lightheaded. I can’t process any of this. I’m . . . I’m a fucking drug dealer who has just become homeless and whose girlfriend is pregnant. I am officially at rock bottom. I can’t handle this. I don’t know how to. I’m so lost. How am I supposed to fix all of this now? How am I going to ever recover from this?
I break out into a sprint down the hall and upstairs, but I can hear footsteps behind me. I already know that it’s Eden without even glancing over my shoulder. She’s the only person who would follow me right now, but I wish she wouldn’t. I don’t know what to say to her. What answers to give.
Jamie and Chase are at the top of the staircase, staring wide-eyed back at me as I push past them. Have they been listening? Have I let them down too? I can’t even face my brothers. I want to hide from the world, to completely disappear. If only it were that easy.
Eden follows me into my room and I close the door behind us. I like that she’s here. It gives me hope that maybe she still believes in me. I know she’ll be disappointed, though, so I can’t look at her either right now. I am too distracted by the fact that Mom needs me to leave this house. That I’m no longer welcome to live under this roof.
I grab my duffel bag from my closet and stuff it with the first clothes that come to hand. I can’t even think straight. Everything feels so numb as I fumble around my closet for shirts. Am I leaving for good? Will Mom ever let me come back? I just don’t know. I pack the bag with as many clothes as I can until it’s completely full, just in case.
“Where are you going to go?” I hear Eden’s husky voice cut through the silence. It’s laced with worry, and as I slide the strap of my bag onto my shoulder, I finally glance up. My terrified gaze meets hers. She looks as sick as I feel; even she knows that I’ve ruined everything. My guilt returns, so I look away again. If I look at her for too long, I think I’ll break down, and I am trying so hard not to.
“I have no idea,” I say, but my throat is so dry. There’s so many thoughts racing through my head as I head into my bathroom. Where am I supposed to go? I’m just a kid. I don’t know how to deal with all of this. It’s too much. “Dean’s. Maybe. I don’t know. My head’s a mess.”
There’s a brief silence, and then from behind me, Eden’s quiet voice asks, “You’ve started dealing?”
Now isn’t the time for lying. She needs the truth, but it’s so hard to admit it. I grip the sink with both hands and release the breath I’m holding. My back is still to her, and I keep my head down, my eyes on the floor. “Only recently.”
“Why?” she asks. Her voice is so low, so quiet. It’s a simple question, but it holds the weight of the world. I don’t even know what the answer really is.
“It’s easy to . . . to get wrapped up in it all,” I admit. I don’t know how I can still speak at this point. My head is pounding, my stomach is in knots, my hands are beginning to tremble. “Tiffani’s so mad. She’ll probably try to report me, I just know it.”
“I can’t believe she’s . . .” Eden murmurs, but even she can’t say the word.
“Me either,” I say as I reach up to open the cabinet above me, but then the reality of the situation hits me at full force.
Tiffani is pregnant. I can’t . . . I can’t be a dad. I’m only seventeen. I’m not in a healthy mental state. Dad became a father at seventeen, and look how that turned out. I can’t be him. I can’t do this. At least Mom and Dad actually loved each other. Tiffani and I are toxic.
I’m going to throw up. Quickly, I spin around and bend over the toilet, heaving. I’m grabbing the wall for support, my stomach burning, but yet nothing comes up. “Fuck,” I breathe.
“I don’t know what to say, Tyler,” Eden admits as she moves closer to me. She soothingly rubs my back as I remain huddled over the toilet, breathing deeply. “Where does this leave us?”
“What?”
“Us,” she says again, and I sense her swallow. When she speaks again, her tone has grown cautious, like she is treading deep water. “What’s going to happen with us? You and Tiffani?”
I almost hurl again, but still nothing. I exhale and straighten up, but my head is spinning so fast that it’s making me dizzy. I think I might just faint any moment. “I don’t know,” I say as I turn back to look at Eden. She is full of fear, and so am I. Right now, though, I just can’t think about my relationship with her. I need to find someplace to stay, and I need to talk to Tiffani. I’ll fix the rest later. “I need to figure all of this out first.”
“I don’t know either,” she says, and her shoulders slump low while her eyes fall to the floor.
I move back to the sink, reaching up into the cabinet and shoving my toiletries into my bag. I need to get out of here. I need to leave. It’s what Mom wants, and I don’t deserve the chance to even beg for her forgiveness.
“Please take them,” Eden says, and I see her nodding back at something inside the cabinet. She gives me a small, tight smile that is full of sadness. “You won’t feel so down all the time.”
I follow her gaze and realize that she is talking about my antidepressants. The bottles of pills are still on the top shelf of the cabinet, untouched for days, and a lump forms in my throat. I rarely ever take them. There are other drugs out there that make me feel much better, though they’re not the legal kind. I don’t think I’ve ever needed a hit as much as I do right now, but I’m fighting the urge. I can’t let my life spiral even more out of control than it already has, so I give in to Eden. I reach for the bottles and tuck them into my bag. I can’t guarantee that I’ll take them, but I’ll try. For her, for myself.
I look back at Eden, at the girl that I’ve fallen in love with. Despite everything that has been revealed, she is still standing in front of me now. She still cares about me, despite how much I’ve let her down. I wish I could have given her more. She is too good for me, and I don’t deserve her.
I wrap my arms around her and pull her in close to me. I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my chin atop her head, fighting back the tears that are brimming in my eyes. Her body molds so perfectly into mine and I don’t know why I’ve never just hugged her before, because it feels so good embracing someone so tightly, feeling their affection. She buries her face into my chest, wrapping her arms around my back. It’s almost like a goodbye. I hold her for a long time, absorbing her warmth, wishing that I didn’t have to let go.
I move my lips to her forehead and kiss her skin. “I’ll figure it out,” I whisper, squeezing her tighter before I finally let go. I don’t want to leave her. I wish she knew how sorry I am.
I give her a small, final nod and brush past her. It is almost like torture having to walk over to my door, to leave. If I look back at her, I’ll break down. I’ll collapse. So I keep my head down as I leave my room, my lower lip quivering.
“I really hope you do,” I hear Eden whisper after me, and my tears finally break free.