“Oh, come on. It’s one night, Logan. Suck it up and come have some fun.” Brad looks at me, irritated that I won’t budge from my spot off the couch. The lucky bastard was able to take vacation time as his sister, Suzie, needed a night off. I, on the other hand, have to suck it up and work. Work that I have to start getting ready for in an hour. My seat on the sofa is too comfortable to leave anyway.
“Do you really have to go to Purple Reign, of all places?” I shoot him a worried look and his eyes go soft.
“Logan, we’ll be okay. Between Doc and me, we’re covered. Are you sure you won’t call into work?” His voice gets quieter, placating my plea.
“Look, I only have a little bit of time before I have to be on the clock. I’m not going to hang out with you and the guys at some club only to leave ten minutes later.” I huff back at him, turning my attention to the television in front of me. At the last minute, I turn back. “And I refuse to call in when they know very well where I’d be. When we’re not here, we’re there. They know I’m not sick and they know that Suz made you take tonight off. We may own the company but I think more than one of us being off is enough. Especially with two men still down.”
Again, I turn to the television, letting it drown Brad out while I watch the news. A report comes on about a local soldier being welcomed home and immediately I feel the distressing pull back in time. I’m flashing back to that day. Six years after I joined the SEALs and effectively ended my military career.
Six years as a SEAL. I shake my head as the Humvee carrying me and my team drives along the hot path in the Afghani desert. I never forget this date, the day my life started. I look up and meet the most gorgeous set of honey colored eyes. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is over. Gay men in the military aren’t as afraid of being barred or dishonorably discharged, though we still have a long way to go. Especially under our current leader. The day I started my SEAL training, I met Bradley Crawford.
For years, we had to hide our relationship. It was easy, our training and subsequent missions took up a lot of our time. When Grayson and I patched things up, I brought Brad home to meet him. He knew our entire history yet welcomed Grayson into his own life with open arms.
“What’s with the smile?” I look to my right where Cameron “Doc” Gable sits.
“Just thinking, ya know? It’s been six years since we formed our team. Since I met all of you, really. Can’t imagine my life being any better.” I lock eyes, again, with my favorite ones in the seat across from me and I see the left side of Brad’s lips curl up. He knows how important this date is for me.
“You two get a room, DeLuca.”
“Fuck you, Sawyer.” I flip the bird to my other teammate.
“I don’t think Crawford would like that.” I hear snickers coming from Doc and Pug.
“Depends, what’s in it for me?” Brad chimes in. I look at him and he gives me a wink.
Sawyer’s eyes go wide and I let out a laugh. Everyone else joins in, lightening the mood that hangs heavily in the air.
But our laughter is interrupted by a loud explosion and the Humvee is suddenly on its side. Everyone is thrown around as we skid to a halt. I try to focus on anything, everything. But blackness wins and I feel myself slump over.
I don’t know long I’ve been out but I abruptly open my eyes, quickly and painfully, and notice I’m outside. I groan at the throbbing in my head. There’s a loud ringing in my ear and when I focus my vision, I find myself staring into lifeless eyes.
“Sawyer? Sawyer!” My head is buzzing, my heart ready to rip from my chest, and my teammate’s name slurs from my voice. “No! Jesus, please no!” I reach over to close his eyes, not wanting to remember the image of my friend staring at me, void of life. When I attempt to get up, I try not to throw up or cry. Loss is inevitable and we go into each mission knowing we might not all make it back. But it’s different when it actually happens to someone you know.
I try to focus on something else. I need to get up and away from this place and more importantly, I need to find Brad.
The hot sun beats down as I try to move but my leg is pinned down. I hear yelling in the background. I don’t know if it’s insurgents or the team in the Humvee that was behind us. I should keep still as I hear the gunfire but my only concern is Brad. I look around but I can’t see him.
“Brad?” My voice cracks as I try to scream for him. I start to panic as the gunfire gets louder and the shuffling of boots surrounds me. “Doc? Pug? JoJo? Anyone?” I get no responses but the smell of smoke is assaulting my senses. I feel the shiver throughout my body as fear sets in.
I don’t want to die here. I can’t.
I don’t want this shit hole to be the last thing I see if this is the end.
I don’t want my siblings to lose another brother.
Time passes slowly as the gunfire retreats and I start to hear familiar voices.
“Delta Team, this is Delta Two, can anyone hear me?”
I let out a grunt and I’m not the only one. I can’t see who else is calling out but I hear men scrambling to find us.
I feel the weight of whatever is on my leg lift and excruciating pain shooting all the way from heel to head. I turn my head in time to empty my stomach. I finally look up to see the team leader of Delta Two just in time to escape into darkness once again.
“Logan, please!”
It’s like a slap to the face. I snap out of it and find myself staring into Brad’s worried face. I unclench my fists that seemed to have wrapped around my knees. Knees that are firmly pressed into my chest.
“Oh, thank fuck.” He pulls me into a hug but I still feel the dread of those last moments in the desert. We both wound up in an American hospital in Germany. We lost Sawyer and Pug. Me, Brad, Cameron, and JoJo survived, but barely. “Fuck, you’re sweating, Logan. How bad was it?”
“I’m okay.” There’s no emotion in my voice as I try to push him away, mentally and physically. I can’t be around him when I’m like this. Because, he will never understand what it’s like seeing the dead stare of a friend. He’ll never know the utter fright of not knowing whether the people around you are there to kill you or if they’re there to save you. He’ll never know the resentment I feel toward him because he’ll simply never know the feeling of absolute terror like we all did that day. He had the privilege of being knocked out for nearly two weeks. His broken arms and leg suffered the most pain while he was out cold. I was awake for most of our recovery in Germany. I don’t blame him, not at all. But, as I said, he will never completely understand.
“Do you want me to stay home? I could go to work with you tonight.” Brad pulls himself onto the sofa next to me.
I look to my left, “No, go.” I turn my focus back to the commercials on the television.
I force myself to calm down, to concentrate on the mindless babble on the screen, breathing in and out slowly and deeply. I still feel my head trying to claw its way out of the nightmare that it was just in, while my heart falls deeper into despair. I hate that I make Brad worry over nothing. But it’s not nothing.
In the corner of my eye, I can see Brad shake his head in resignation and sigh.
“Logan, what’s gotten into you? Lately, you’re moody, withdrawn, your PTSD has returned, and with a fucking vengeance, along with the nightmares, and I don’t know how to fix whatever it is that I’ve done because you won’t talk to me.”
I close my eyes and breathe in one more time. As I exhale, I know he’s right. I just don’t know how to tell him that the news over the last few months has been bringing everything back. So much unnecessary death and it’s making me crazy that they haven’t even caught the fucker, yet. But as Grayson and Finn have repeatedly reminded me, it’s all about ripping the band-aid off.
“It’s that guy, the one on the news. The one that’s –” I’m interrupted by the news that Jennifer Aarons is spewing and turning my blood cold.
“It seems the man the world is calling The Judge, so named for the notes he leaves at his crime scenes, is still on the loose. After last month’s attack on a popular, gay Dallas nightclub, Vibe, it seems that The Judge is in hiding, making this the longest stretch in attacks since they began two and a half months ago, just before Christmas. On February twentieth, four club goers lost their lives at Vibe and countless more were injured when a bomb went off. Two people still remain in the hospital due to extensive injuries. Luckily –”
“Fuck!” I turn the television off and throw the remote across the room and point to the blank television screen. “That, Brad. That right there is why everything is so screwed up lately. Me, us, life. That asshole goes around and thinks that he can judge people like us, target our safe havens in this world, and he seriously thinks he’s doing it for the sake of God and the church? I’m sick of us being targeted, Brad.”
I jump off the couch, storming off into our spare room that holds the exercise equipment and head straight for the punching bag. I bring my arm back and thrust if forward, almost knocking it off its frame.
“Logan? I swear to you that we’ll be safe.” I spin around, coming face to face with the man who owns my heart. I’m angry, really angry, and over the last few months, these little fights we keep having are only escalating. Sometimes to the point that Brad sleeps on the couch. I can’t help my feelings. Something inside me just breaks and I don’t know how to tell that to him without losing my mind.
Like earlier, I close my eyes, do my breathing exercises, and count to ten to calm myself down. I open my eyes again and I see the sweet smile on my husband’s face. I can’t help but reciprocate the feeling. Somehow, with just a look, he manages to sweep away the last of my harsh feelings. Still, I’m somewhat apprehensive.
“I just can’t imagine a world without you in it. Especially since we have so many plans. We got married, we bought a home, we’re more than financially stable, and now I want those kids. I want to start now. We’re ready, Suzie’s ready to help us out, and I really think it’s time.”
“Really? We’re ready for this?” Brad’s eyes start to shimmer atop the grin that spreads across his face and I give him a playful punch.
“I want everything with you, you big lug. I love you so damn much and there’s nothing more that I want than for you to be happy. I know I have my issues but that’s why I booked an appointment with Dr. McCann for tomorrow morning. She’s going to help me get on the right path, again. Help me get my focus back to where it needs to be.”
“God, yes. Let’s do this.” Brad closes the little space that lies between us and devours my mouth in seconds. I can’t stop the groan when I hear the alarm go off on my phone.
“Back to reality, I guess.” He chuckles into my ear. “Go get showered and I’ll see you later tonight.”
“Hey, don’t forget to check in on Doc. I haven’t heard from him today.”
“I got him covered, babe. Josh is dragging him out tonight whether he wants to or not.”
He leans into me one last time. Our kiss this time is slower but filled with the same heat from earlier, and when we part ways, we whisper our I love you’s. We hold on to each other until just our fingertips touch, linking together until I absolutely have to let go and get ready for work. The loss of Brad and his touch consumes me more than that asshole right now.
I turn the shower on the same time Brad calls out his goodbye. I let out a sigh and step into the hot water.
Still, I can’t help but rub the odd feeling in my stomach.