CHAPTER 5
(JAMIE)
Hospitals are a world all their own. When you enter those double front doors, you know you’re going to have to put your life completely on hold for a while. In the case of my mom’s surgery, the hold lasted four days.
I carried my laptop and got a lot of work done in the first two days. Kage may have told me he didn’t want the job of being my boyfriend anymore, but he hadn’t fired me from my job as his publicist, and neither had his uncle. So I worked. I copied the upcoming fight details to his website and his social media profiles, fielded messages, and uploaded photos from my hard drive.
It kept my mind occupied so that I didn’t go completely insane.
But inevitably, I turned to the tablet I had tucked away in my laptop case. Kage’s tablet, with its password-protected secrets. How would I ever unlock those secrets? And a better question, did I really want to?
I knew there were no spaces allowed, and that uppercase letters, lowercase letters, and numbers were all legal. If there were any special characters like exclamation points, I was screwed. Fortunately, there was a password hint: Favorite place to be.
With the Mission Impossible theme playing in my head, I made my first attempts at cracking the code.
LasVegas. Nope.
TheGrotto, or Grotto? Nope.
TheOctagon, or Octagon? Nope.
How about lowercase versions of the same? Nope, nope, and nope.
Fuck!
It was nice of Kage to give me a hint to work with. Unfortunately, it only underscored how little I knew about him. How could I not know his favorite place? That was a pretty standard thing to get to know about someone. I slid the tablet back into my laptop case and sulked. The harder it was to get into that damn thing, the more I wanted in, and I had a lot of time to kill.
During lunch on day three, Dad and I went down to the cafeteria, but I only sat and watched while he ate. He tried to force me to eat some country fried steak and mashed potatoes. I didn’t tell him it didn’t look like food to me— that nothing did these days.
“I’m not about to blow my diet on that fried stuff.”
“You haven’t eaten a thing since you got to town, son. This is ridiculous.” Meanwhile, he wolfed his meal down like he thought someone might come along and snatch it up.
“Not true,” I told him. “I ate a couple of boiled eggs this morning. And yesterday I had a salad and some sliced avocado.”
“That’s not enough to live on, and you know it. You look unhealthy.”
“Dad—”
“I’m serious, Jamie.” He dropped his fork to his tray and glowered at me. “What’s going on with you? And don’t tell me nothing, because I’m not stupid. I can see that something is bothering you. Something more than your mother’s condition.”
I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest, studying his face, trying to determine just how honest I could be with him. What if I just came clean right then? Would he disown me, or would he understand?
The thing was, I wanted to be honest. Being dishonest had hurt Kage. I’d had a lot of time to reflect on things over the two days since he left, and I’d come to the conclusion that he’d been right about everything from the start. I should never have accepted his affection in private if I wasn’t willing to accept it in public. I’d wanted him so badly, but only on my terms. He’d given me all of himself, but I’d only given what was easy.
Now, facing my dad in the hospital cafeteria, I had the urge to make amends. Even if Kage never found out about it, at least I would know that I’d done the right thing.
“Dad, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s something you might not agree with, but I don’t feel much like a man if I can’t be honest about it.”
“Alright,” he said warily.
My knee was bouncing ninety miles a minute, and I had the sudden urge to get up and run. But I held my ground, took a deep breath, and stilled my leg with my hand.
“It’s about Kage.”
Dad visibly recoiled, and the look on his face told me that Kage had been right on yet another count. My dad already knew something was going on between us. He knew, and he was not cool with it. But I’d already started this thing, so I steeled myself and pressed on.
“When I was in Vegas, he and I got really close. We got close, and…” God, why was it so damn hard to say it? It sure as hell hadn’t been hard to do it. “Well, Kage is a really great person, and he bought me a camera, and we were training together, and he started feeding me, and then we… well, we’d run together and stuff, and I really liked it there. Did I tell you about the hotel his uncle owns? The amazing room I got to live in. And the Grotto, and Enzo.”
My dad cocked his head to the side and gave me a bland look that said he wasn’t buying what I was selling. “For heaven’s sake, Jamie, I don’t need a full debriefing. Stop your babbling and spit it out.”
“Sorry. It’s just harder to say than I thought it would be when I brought it up.” I laughed, but he didn’t laugh back.
“People make mistakes, Jamie. Sometimes the best thing is just to move on from it. Put it behind you. If you’re so ashamed of this thing you’re trying to tell me, maybe it shouldn’t be said at all.”
“I’m not ashamed of it. I just don’t know how you’re going to react, that’s all.”
“You say you want to be a man? You want me to treat you like a man? Then look me in the eye and say what you want to say.”
And just like that, I had the courage. “Kage and I have been seeing each other,” I blurted. “Like romantically.”
My skin prickled all over, and the room swayed a little. I’d done it. I’d told my dad. So many emotions were coursing through me.
I felt elated, relieved.
Yes! I told my dad.
Then on the heels of that, regretful. Stupid. What the hell was I thinking?
Oh, God. I told my dad. Fuck.
Dad took a noisy breath in through his nose, and his eyes rolled back in his head for a second. I suppose it was as hard for him to hear as it was for me to say. I thought he was going to lose it right there in the cafeteria in front of three senior citizens and a family of five, but he instantly composed himself.
“I was hoping your sister was wrong about that,” he admitted. “She told me she’d overheard something when she was talking to you on the telephone. Your mother insisted she had misheard, but your mother hears what she wants to hear.”
“Dad, it’s not that big a deal. Kage is a heck of a lot better than that douchebag Jennifer is engaged to.”
“That’s different. You have to try understand my feelings on this, son.”
“I get it, Dad. You want me to be with a girl, be straight.”
But he was already shaking his head. “It’s got nothing to do with straight. This is about a man in a position of power taking advantage of my young son. He hires you, throws money at you, entices you with this exciting new world of his… He offered to buy you a car right there in our yard, Jamie, and it didn’t sound like he was kidding. You don’t know how it makes me feel to see someone buying my child.”
I thought of Kage’s comment about him being the one with something to lose. I don’t want you to feel like I hired you for sex, he’d said. He had seen this coming even then, had known he would be the one who was vilified, but he’d taken the chance anyway.
“It’s not like that,” I said. “Kage made it very clear that our relationship had nothing to do with the job. He wanted me to be sure. And I was, Dad. I was sure.”
Dad was shaking his head. “He manipulated you. He’s crafty, and he’s used to getting his way by throwing his money around.”
“That’s not fair, and you know it. If some rich guy showed up and started buying Jennifer cars and taking care of her, you’d call him Prince Charming. You’d be shoving her at him.”
“That’s not necessarily true.” He turned thoughtful for a moment, no doubt trying to work up a logical reason why my situation was different. “It depends on the guy. Kage waltzed into my house and acted like he owned you. He was smug, and even though he never touched you, he gave off the impression of touching you the entire time. Like he was staking his claim, showing his dominance.”
“I hadn’t noticed you paying that much attention.”
“I was watching. He knew it. He’s slick, Jamie, and not in a good way. I can just look at him and tell he’s seen way too much in his lifetime. Things you couldn’t understand. Your mother and I have worked hard to keep you kids sheltered. We’re proud of the fact that you’re innocent, because you haven’t been exposed to the things in life that make people hard. Kage is hard, son. You can see it in his eyes.”
I growled and dragged a hand through my hair. “What is it about the eyes? People keep saying they see something in his eyes, like there’s evil lurking in there. I don’t see that. What I see is generous and caring and… perfect.”
“Obviously, other people can see what you can’t. It makes sense. When people are in a new relationship, they have blinders on, and in your case it’s worse. You’re a lot like your mother. You see what you want to see. The two of you just float around in this world you’ve made up for yourselves, and any time reality doesn’t suit you, you just ignore it.”
“I think I’m in love with him, Dad.”
“Oh, God,” he groaned. “Please don’t tell me that. What’s wrong with the girl? Layla. She still likes you. Why couldn’t you fall in love with her?”
“I don’t know, it just didn’t happen. She’s great, but for whatever reason she didn’t get… like, you know… my heart. Or whatever. Jeez, I sound like a valley girl Hallmark card.”
Dad pushed his tray away. He looked tired, like our conversation was sapping every ounce of energy out of him. “I suppose you’ll be wanting to get married, now that it’s legal.”
“No.” I laughed at the absurdity of his comment, but there was an odd little flutter in my heart at the same time. And then the flutter died when I remembered one small detail. “He broke up with me, anyway, so….”
“What?” That got the energy flowing through the old man again. “Why the hell would he do that?”
I shrugged. “Because when we were at the house with you guys, I acted like I was ashamed of him.”
“Because you didn’t flaunt it out to everyone? That’s just unfair. What did he expect you to do? Waltz right in with your arms around each other? Make out in front of your mother? That’s ridiculous.”
“Are you upset that Kage broke up with me?” I teased, raising a brow.
“I’m not thrilled with any of this.” He pushed his tray even farther away, as if the left over blob of gelatinous gravy was what was upsetting him. “I was already angry with him for taking advantage of you. But now to find out that he just took what he wanted and then cast you aside? That really pisses me off.”
“Blame me, Dad. It’s my fault because of the way I treated him.”
“No. He can’t just disrespect you like that. Relationships aren’t perfect, people aren’t perfect, and you don’t just leave the other person high and dry because of one mistake. Give me that bastard’s phone number. I’m gonna call that bastard up and give him a piece of my mind.”
I leaned in and whispered, “You’re yelling. The whole cafeteria is listening.”
Dad looked around the room, and every eye stared right back at him. “What?” he yelled at them. “Mind your own business.”
I swear I had never seen my dad so mad, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t proud that he was taking up for me instead of telling me how badly I’d disappointed him. It certainly wasn’t what I’d been expecting.
“Listen, Dad, I need to explain something real quick before you announce this thing to everyone in Atlanta. The reason I told you all of this is because I don’t like keeping secrets from you, and because I feel bad about not doing the right thing while he was here. But you can’t tell anyone else, okay? I know he wanted us to be honest with the people who are close to us, but the general public does not need to know any of this. It could be bad for his career, and I’m not willing to take that chance. Especially when I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him again.”
“Oh, you’ll see him again. He’s going to come back here and make an honest man of you if I have to drag his ass back here personally.” It was sweet that my dad was going all medieval on Kage, apparently so concerned about me that he was talking about manhandling a professional fighter. He was so flustered, his face was turning red, and for a moment I almost believed he could drag him back.
“Make an honest man of me?” I laughed. “Jesus, Dad. Are you planning a shotgun wedding or something?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Dammit, you don’t just ruin my child for anyone else and then disappear.”
And just like that, all of the warm fuzzies I’d been feeling about my dad’s reaction vanished. “What do you mean ruin? Could you possibly be any more homophobic? I’m still the same person. Just because I’ve dated a guy doesn’t mean I’m worthless now.”
Did it?
Dad flushed. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that he made you fall in love with him. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe in love and soulmates and all of that stuff. If your mother ever left me, I’d be ruined for anyone else.”
“Oh,” I said simply.
“Tell me one thing, son. Think about it, and be honest, with me and with yourself. Did he ever give you any indication that he wanted more from you than—” He paused, searching for the right words, probably trying to avoid anything sexual. “Well, you gave him your love, and no one can fault you for that. Your heart was in the right place. But is that what he was asking of you?”
I thought of the necklace, the symbol of our affection that I’d so carelessly disregarded. “Yes. He said that’s what he wanted.”
Dad nodded once, resolutely. “Then he needs to do right by you.”
The next day, I was lounging in the visitor’s chair in my mom’s hospital room. Well, maybe lounging is too comfortable a word to describe what happened on that slab of unforgiving foam they called a cushion. It was the closest thing I had to a hair shirt, and so I wallowed there every day, starving and doing penance. I didn’t want or deserve comfort.
I hadn’t touched my laptop in two days, but I reached into the case and pulled out Kage’s tablet for the fiftieth time. I just sat there with it in my hands without even powering it up, searching my memory for a hint of what could possibly be Kage’s favorite place. I’d already tried all the variations of every place I could think of: The Alcazar, home, Vegas, Sin City, Nevada, USA, UFC… Hell, I even tried the word nowhere, because I’d tried every-fucking-where else.
It was hard to resist the temptation to break into the tablet. I was alone with my thoughts most of the time, since Mom was still out of it on pain meds most of the time. She was supposed to go home the next day, and no one knew what that would be like. She would have to depend on Jennifer for most everything.
I had already announced my plans to return to Vegas as soon as Mom was settled into her bed at home. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I didn’t want to stay in that house with Jennifer. I knew I would have to confront her at some point, but I wasn’t ready for that. My feelings were still too raw, and every confrontation scenario I imagined ended with me choking the life out of her sorry ass.
“You doing okay, Jamie?” My dad poked his head in through the door of mom’s room, a bag of corn chips in his hand.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I stuck the tablet back into the case without ever powering it up. What was the use anyway? I’d never figure out the password, and it was probably best that I didn’t.
Dad held the bag of chips out to me. My stomach groaned, but I ignored it. “No, thanks.”
“Have you even eaten anything today?” he asked. “I’m about ready to have you admitted to the hospital. People can’t live on nothing but air and water.”
I snatched the bag out of his hand, ripped it open, and crunched on a couple of corn chips. They tasted more like wood chips. “Happy now?”
He frowned, and I could see in his eyes how concerned he was about the eating thing, so I choked down most of the chips in the bag. My stomach cramped around them.
Dad ruffled my hair. “You look like shit, Jamie. Don’t make me have to worry about you, too. I’ve got enough on my plate with your mother, okay?”
“Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’ll be okay when I get back to Vegas tomorrow.”
He stared at me, as if it was the first he’d heard of my plans. “Are you really serious about going back there? I don’t understand. He left you here and went off to somewhere else. Do you even have a job anymore?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I didn’t get fired. But even if I don’t still work for him, there are loose ends that need tying up. I haven’t even moved out, you know? All my stuff is still there in my place just like I left it.”
“Your place,” he scoffed. “That’s not your place, Jamie. It’s a hotel room. You need to go get your things and come back home. If you don’t feel comfortable staying in our house, then go back to your apartment at school. Call your friends. Talk to someone.”
That was laughable. Talk to someone? Who was I going to talk to about all of this? The truth was, I was floating and I had no place to land. I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone.
“Yeah, I’ll probably just grab my stuff and go back to school,” I said, knowing I had absolutely no intention of leaving Vegas until school started back, or until someone officially kicked me out of my suite in the Alcazar. But I couldn’t be honest with him about that. We’d already pushed the boundaries of father-son communication the day before when I’d poured my heart out to him, and I wasn’t about to go there again.
I was still reeling from that conversation, mainly because of his shocking reaction. In the beginning, I’d only hoped that he’d refrain from murdering me long enough to let the news sink in. After the words were out of my mouth and I was still alive, I figured the best case outcome would be a reserved sort of acceptance on my father’s part, with neither of us ever actually speaking of my sexuality again.
What I got was so much better, yet worse at the same time. Dad hadn’t condemned me or called me horrible names, which was good. But now he saw Kage as some sort of sexual predator, which was bad.
The craziest part was my admission that I might be in love. Why the hell had I said that, anyway? I wasn’t qualified to make that kind of determination, because I didn’t know what love was or if it even existed. What I should have told Dad was that I wanted to explore my attraction to Kage, something noncommittal that only hinted at the truth. Now I’d made myself out to be some lovesick puppy at best, and at worst, a victim.
But I’d be lying if I said that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind that Dad might be right. It was entirely possible that Kage had simply been manipulating me all along. During our argument on the gazebo, Kage had accused me of using him, but what if it was the other way around? Maybe he’d been planning on using me all summer long, but then the trip home had proved to be more drama than he’d anticipated. Or what if he’d gotten what he wanted and was simply ready to move on? If he’d decided it was time to cut me loose, there wasn’t a much better way to do it. In essence, he’d just dropped me off at home, hopped on a plane, and disappeared. Clean break, end of story.
I woke up some time later, still in the chair, jogged out of a dreamless sleep by the sound of voices. Dad was gone, but the nurses were chatting loudly while they made their afternoon rounds. I kept my eyes closed and listened, hoping that no one noticed I had woken up and tried to engage me in any conversation.
I could tell by the voices that there were two nurses, one male and one female, and they were cracking jokes that I would never be able to understand. It was medical profession humor. I’d heard my mother talk with her nurse friends enough to know I might as well not even try to follow. Those people had a language all their own.
Then again, I imagine most nurses would be confused if they’d dropped in on a training session with Marco. I’d been so lost those first few days, listening to him spewing orders at Kage. They had a smooth, well-practiced way of communicating that often made it unnecessary to speak more than one word at a time to convey complex meanings. I supposed that would come in handy during a noisy fight, when Marco was coaching from the corner.
I remembered thinking that, no matter how many training sessions I observed, there was no way I’d ever learn the lingo. It was hard to concentrate on what Marco was saying when I was so busy studying the way Kage’s muscles worked. I’d tracked his movements, studied them, delighted at the bonus glimpses of skin I got when his shorts got twisted or pushed up too far during grappling. In the afternoons when he’d gotten hot and tired, and that thin sheen of sweat had his body all glossed up and catching the light just right, it had been a challenge to understand language at all.
The strength of the memories made me realize something else Kage had been right about. When he’d called me out on it, I’d denied it, but now it was plain to see that I’d been attracted to him from the beginning. Even before I’d allowed myself to be consciously attracted to him, my eyes had been eating up every inch of him, longing for those little forbidden glimpses.
I finally opened my eyes and blinked away the haze of sleep, adjusting my pants and willing myself to think about anything that wouldn’t have me getting hard in my mom’s hospital room. The afternoon light was harsh coming in through the blinds that someone had opened while I was snoozing.
I tried to focus in on the two nurses working away on Mom’s IV, chatting idly while their nimble fingers performed tasks their brains didn’t even have to think about anymore. The female nurse was cute and blond, with large eyes and pink lips. Her stethoscope settled heavily into her cleavage, revealing a sexy shape that hospital scrubs were designed to disguise.
The guy was about my height, with black hair and olive-toned skin. His shoulders were broad, and his biceps filled out his scrub sleeves nicely. His face would have been considered good-looking by just about anyone’s standards, with a chiseled jaw, straight nose, and a dark five-o’clock shadow that really amped his masculinity. I was betting he’d have to shave twice a day to keep that beard at bay. A guy like that would probably have a substantial bed of jet black hair on his chest, a matching happy trail, and really dark, thick curls below the waistband of his briefs.
“Look who’s finally up,” my mom crooned from the hospital bed, startling the hell out of me.
How embarrassing that I had to remove my gaze from the nurse’s crotch to look at my mother. Even worse that I was pretty sure he saw me do it.
“Morning,” I said, rubbing my eyes for show. “I can hardly see yet. What time is it?”
“Four o’clock in the afternoon,” the male nurse said with a smirk. “You missed morning by just a little bit.”
“Yes, you did,” the female nurse agreed. “But don’t feel bad. Everyone’s sleep schedule gets messed up in the hospital. But the doctor says your mom can go home as soon as her paperwork is done. We’re removing the IV now.”
“That’s great,” I rasped, fighting my way up out of the torture chair. I cranked my aching neck sideways to stretch it out. “Guess I should go get some food,” I said, knowing I couldn’t eat but needing to escape.
As I released the lever to open the door, I glanced over my shoulder at the male nurse, thinking to grab one more discreet look. He was watching me, though, and I don’t think I was imagining the spark of interest in his dark eyes.
So much for discreet. I ran a hand through my hair, colored myself cold busted, and left the room.
I ambled down the center of the hallway staring down at my phone, heedless of foot traffic as I checked my texts and missed calls. Nothing. Nothing from Kage. The cold dread that had given me a reprieve while I slept settled over me once again.
Was it really over between us? I wanted to scream, because things were really fucked up in my head. Emotions were getting jumbled, and I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I’d just been checking out another guy, imagining every inch of the hair on his body, but dammit I didn’t want him. The problem was, I wanted something like him. Something that was hard on the outside but with a gentle center. Something that made me feel fiercely protected and in mortal danger all at once.
I wanted Kage. But he wasn’t here, and that fact had me feeling more desperate by the hour.
Again, I was struck by the feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere, that I was floating. It was a strange feeling that I’d never experienced before. I mean, I’d always had a place I felt more comfortable than all others, a place I considered home. My parents’ house, my apartment at school. Why were those two places suddenly inadequate? It was if I’d gone out to Vegas and left home behind for good, but I hadn’t replaced them with anything. The Alcazar certainly wasn’t home. Hell, I was dreading walking into that empty suite and being surrounded by all of the robin’s egg blue emptiness, but it was the only place I could go.
Because it was closer to Kage.
And suddenly I was turning around and running down the hospital hallway, back to my mom’s room, because I thought maybe I had it. The password to the tablet. Or maybe I was just being egotistical or deluded, but it was worth a shot.
I nearly bowled over the two nurses who were leaving as I was coming back in, but I just mumbled a quick apology without looking up. I had one thing on my mind. I snatched the tablet out of the case and powered it up.
“What’s going on, Jamie,” my mom asked, struggling upright in the bed. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine, Mom,” I assured her. “Just checking on something before I forget.”
“Okay, honey.” She cleared her throat, then resumed in her deliberately nonchalant voice that I could detect from a mile away. “Did you see Kadir, the nurse who was just in here? He’s going back to school to be a doctor. Very nice young man.”
“Mmm hmm,” I said distractedly, bouncing my knee as I waited for the password screen to appear on the tablet.
“Kadir asked what you do in college. I told him you were going for Journalism, and that you wanted to do the sports news on TV. Is that right? I told him you weren’t dating anyone right now.”
That got my attention. “What did you tell him that for? Has dad been running his mouth to you?”
She looked sheepish. “A little. Is that okay?”
“Oh, God…” I was embarrassed. I hadn’t even gotten used to my dad knowing, and now both of my parents knew. And Mom was looking at me with that do-gooder look, like she was about to start trying to hook me up with every unattached gay guy she came in contact with.
“It’s okay, Jamie. I don’t care. If that’s the way you feel, we’ll just learn to live with it.” She patted the bed beside her. “Come over here and let’s talk about it.”
“Mom, please don’t. No offense, but I’m not ready to talk about any of this stuff? You just concentrate on getting better, okay? We’ll talk soon.”
“But Kadir—”
“Mom, I’m not looking for anybody. I’m going back to Vegas, and we’ll see what happens. Now I have something to do right now, and I need to concentrate.” She looked so dejected, I felt awful. “I love you,” I told her.
“Love you, too.”
I turned my attention to the tablet. The password screen was way too familiar to me now. It taunted me with its blank white space that I couldn’t seem to fill properly. But I thought maybe I had it now. Because I felt like I had no place anymore unless it was near Kage, and maybe he felt the same about me. Maybe I was his favorite place to be. It was a hell of a stretch, and probably wishful thinking on my part, but I typed it in anyway.
Jamie. Nope.
My heart sank. How stupid was it to think I’d be that important to him anyway? He hadn’t even tried to contact me in the four days we’d been apart, meanwhile I’d been losing my mind. Here I was falling so hard for him, and he hadn’t even thought enough of me to share his favorite place with me. Maybe it truly was just sex for him, because he was a horny bastard, and the only place I knew he liked to be was in my ass.
I blinked. Looked guiltily up at my mom, then back at the screen.
It couldn’t be.
I typed in JamiesAss.
The screen went blank, then the desktop started to load. “That’s it!” I yelled. “Oh, my God, I guessed it!”
“What?” Mom asked.
“Oh, nothing, Mom. Sorry.” I went back to watching the screen load, watching his desktop populate with icons. There weren’t many. Clearly Kage did not use his tablet as much as I used my laptop. He wasn’t a Luddite, but he wasn’t a techie, either. He was a physical, real world kind of guy, and I liked that about him.
My heart was pounding at an alarming rate as I studied his tablet, trying to decide what to explore first. “I should not be doing this,” I mumbled to myself. “This is bad, this is so bad.”
Once I’d connected to the hospital wi-fi, I clicked on a link to his photos. It took me to his online phone backup, and I found a ton of photos. I could even see the photos he’d taken since going back to Vegas. He was supposed to be at a fighter’s camp, but it looked more like he was at the Playboy Mansion, with gorgeous bikini-clad girls all over the place. He’d gotten someone to take several pictures of him and a good-looking fighter with a prominent neck tattoo. There were also photos of a gym, and of some fighters horsing around and sparring, so I supposed if you opened your mind enough, you could imagine it was a fighter’s camp.
Looking at the pictures, especially the ones with him in them, hurt. This is him without me, I thought, and closed the photo album.
Then I noticed a blinking notification on the toolbar. I clicked on it, and an app opened. There was no mistaking what it was. A singles app, or hookup app. Guys were plastered all over it, with their user names and stats listed. The blinking notification indicated that there was an unopened message, and I clicked on it with a sinking feeling.
The message was innocuous in itself, just some guy trying to introduce himself. But the already-read messages in the inbox were incriminating as hell. I read through them with a growing sense of desperation. They were all communications between Kage and random guys, asking for hookups. I wasn’t clear on a lot of the slang and abbreviations in the messages, but I got the gist well enough to be sick to my stomach.
Kage was looking for pretty, young guys who were into rough sex. Bottoms only, he’d said, and I figured I could imagine well enough what that was, since I’d performed that very function twice for him myself. Looking at the faces of the guys had to be the worst. Not only could I see all too clearly the kind of guy he was attracted to, but I could also see the ones he’d actually fucked. That just about tore my heart out.
Knowing someone has been with other people in the past is one thing. Having them staring you in the face is quite another. For a moment, I was able to imagine how Kage had felt coming face-to-face with my ex-girlfriend and having to pretend he and I were only friends. That must have really fucking hurt.
But then I was back to simmering in my own pain, staring down Kage’s past and feeling like I was losing. The worst part was that the date of the last encounter coincided with my first day of work at the Alcazar.
Kage had still been hooking up with guys after we met.
I ran to the bathroom and lost all of the corn chips my dad had made me eat. Then I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time. Did I look like those hookup boys? Is that how he saw me? Was I just the next profile picture in a long line of nobodies who had let him use them hard and throw them away?
I hoped not. Maybe it was just my bruised ego talking, but I needed to have been more than that. Whatever the case, I wasn’t going to take Kage’s silence for an answer. I was going back to Vegas, and I was going to have my answers, however painful they might be.