CHAPTER 2
(JAMIE)
If the roar of humiliation in my ears hadn’t obliterated all other sounds, I might have heard the footsteps approaching where I lay prone in the yard with my pants shoved down around my knees. But I didn’t, and by the time Layla was standing over me, it was too late to make a last ditch scramble for dignity. Not that I didn’t try. I fumbled for my shorts and snatched them up my damp, dirt-streaked legs, covering myself in the most efficient way possible. The shorts were still askew, with half of the waistband flipped under, the seam off-center and pulling against my sac, but straightening my shorts wouldn’t help me look any better. Not now.
I’d never felt so laid low, or so damn vulnerable. Layla wasn’t supposed to see me like this, all used up and spit out by a guy.
Fuck, this looks really bad.
She approached, blond hair sparkling silver in the moonlight. Her skin was too pale to be able to sneak up on someone easily in the dark. It caught every beam of light on its surface and reflected it back.
“Jamie?” Her voice was gentler than I’d ever heard it, and a little bit scared.
I averted my eyes from her, pulling my shirt down lower than it was meant to go, stretching the fabric out of shape. There just weren’t enough clothes on my body to hide me from her. Everything private was now pretty much covered, but it still wasn’t enough. I’d been intimate with this girl for months, had tasted her body and let her taste mine, but now she seemed like a stranger who had never seen me naked, much less taken me into her body and watched me come.
She stared at me for a long time, a hundred different emotions playing across her pretty face.
“What?” I demanded, sounding nasty and condescending. I figured she’d get mad and huff away, but she didn’t. I wasn’t that lucky.
“Let me get a look at you.” Her gaze swept my whole body then, and I tried to make myself even smaller under her scrutiny. Then she bent low and took my chin in her hand, turning my head from side-to-side to examine me, her eyes narrowing. “God, Jamie, did that fucking culero hurt you? Do I need to call 911?” Her eyes softened, even as the corners of her mouth tugged down in an involuntary expression of what could only be disgust. Her fingers trembled slightly as they gripped my chin.
“You don’t need to call anyone,” I said, embarrassed that she’d even considered it.
Layla’s Mexican accent always came out when she was trying to make a point or to be funny, but especially when she got emotional. “Are you sure, Papi?”
“Don’t call me that, Layla!” I snatched out of her grasp and looked away, trying to see into the darkness of the woods that lay just a few yards away. I found myself wondering if I could stumble into them and disappear, never to be heard from or seen again. Maybe I’d die of exposure like the people you hear about on the news. “I’m not your papi anymore.”
“No shit,” she said sourly. “I think I got it now.” She plopped down on the ground beside me, unconcerned about the dirt or the possibility of being attacked by creepy-crawlies like most girls would be. My sister would be having a fit, but not Layla. She’d always been cool like that.
“I think I need to be alone right now,” I told her, working to control the quivering of my bottom lip. I still had plenty of crying left to do, but I’d be damned if I’d let her see me break down again.
She looked at me, and in the sliver of moonlight slanted across her face, I caught her eye roll. “You’re crazy if you think I’m leaving you alone at a time like this. I may not be your girlfriend anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. God, what he just did to you.”
My heart was suddenly pounding in my throat, the heat of intense embarrassment creeping up my jaw and onto my cheeks. “Um… What did you see exactly?”
She snorted out something akin to a laugh. “Believe me, I saw enough. That fucking bastard. He…” She bit her lip, her eyes darting uncertainly from side-to-side, her voice dropping to an almost-whisper. “He raped you, Jamie.”
“No!” I yelled, horrified that she could think such a thing— that she would use such a distasteful word. Kage didn’t deserve to have a word like that attached to him, not ever. It hurt my heart just thinking about it. “He didn’t. That’s not how it was, Layla. I was asking for it, I swear.”
“That’s what assault victims say,” she pointed out soberly. “When their husbands beat them and stuff, you know? They say they deserved it. I’ve seen it a million times with my step-sister, a couple of my mom’s friends, on Law & Order SVU…”
“But in my case it’s true. You don’t understand us… how it is between us.”
“He attacked you. I saw it with my own eyes,” Layla insisted, taking a deep breath. Then she hung her head and began to speak quietly, purposefully, like she was narrating a vivid scene playing behind her eyes. “I heard the two of you arguing from the guest room. I didn’t mean to listen, but I couldn’t help it. The window beside my bed overlooks the back yard— right there.” She pointed to the window, as if I didn’t know the layout of the house I’d lived in since birth.
“I tried to ignore the shouting,” she continued. “It’s none of my business, right? I mean, I knew your boss wasn’t happy and that something wasn’t quite right. You guys kept exchanging these looks that… well, to be honest I didn’t want to think they were what they looked like. And he was pissed from the minute he saw me, Jamie. I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t like me. Then when you two walked outside together, I was like hmmm… maybe there really is something fishy going on.”
She looked over at me, waiting for me to refute her tentative accusation. When I didn’t, her face fell. She took a slow, deep breath and continued to recount the story I didn’t want to hear, especially not coming out of her mouth.
“Anyway, I just decided to go on to bed, because I didn’t want to know what was going on between the two of you. But then you were yelling, and I got worried. I resisted the urge as long as I could, but I finally had to peek out the blinds to make sure you were alright. That’s when I saw him jump you. You were running down the hill, and he tackled you, and I could tell even from far away he wasn’t playing. For a minute, I thought I was seeing things, ‘cause it looked like he tore your pants down and started—” Her voice broke off, and she couldn’t finish the thought. “I was stunned for a couple of minutes before I could get my feet to move and try to come help you. By the time I got to the back door, that culero had pulled up his pants and was just walking away like it was nothing. I wanted to run after him and beat his ass, but if he could do what he did to you, no telling what he could do to me. That fucker is scary, Jamie— those eyes. When he looks at me—” She shuddered, unable to finish.
I wanted to ask her to elaborate, to tell me exactly what she’d seen when she looked into his eyes. Because when I looked into them, I saw something I didn’t think I could live without. But the mental image of Layla jumping onto Kage’s back and trying to wrestle him to the ground had me chuckling a little. It was a pained sound without much life in it, but at least it was a laugh. Maybe I wasn’t going to die after all.
“You were gonna beat his ass, huh?” I teased.
“How can you laugh at a time like this?” she demanded, eyes lit with fury.
“Because it’s not as bad as you think.” I nudged her shoulder with my fist. “I mean, it is that bad, but not for the reasons you think.”
“Why don’t you tell me, then? Because you’re right about me not understanding. I definitely do not understand how you can be taking up for him.”
I sighed. “I mean that Kage… fucking me like that wasn’t the bad part. When I told you I asked for it, I didn’t mean figuratively. I didn’t mean that I blamed myself for what happened, or that I deserved it. I meant that I was literally begging him to fuck me.” I glanced at Layla, trying to see if I was freaking her out with my honesty. Logically, I wanted her to understand the situation, but I didn’t want her to see how badly I was affected on an emotional level. It was one thing to explain it in words, but it was another thing altogether to let her see how busted up I was inside.
Just thinking about how raw and needy I’d been with Kage made my stomach quiver. I wanted him again already. My ass was burning, and I was sore, but dammit I just wanted him. Layla was watching me closely, and she looked like she was going to be sick, but I couldn’t stop talking now. I needed her to understand.
“The bad part was that he left me,” I told her. “Not just for a day or two. He said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. All because I don’t know how to handle what’s been going on between us.” I had to look away and swallow around the giant lump in my throat. “What if he’s gone for good? I don’t know what I’m gonna do, you know?”
“What you’re gonna do?” She shot me a look of disbelief. “You’re gonna thank your lucky stars that he’s out of your life. That guy is violent, Jamie. He’s not stable. You don’t need that shit. Is it the job you’re worried about? You don’t have to settle for someone mistreating you just because you don’t want to lose your job. That’s called sexual harassment. You could totally sue his ass, especially if you go down to the hospital and report it. Let them do a rape kit on you.”
“Layla, it wasn’t rape. And it’s not the job.”
We were both quiet. After a tense moment, I broke the silence. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Whining to my ex-girlfriend about how I’d just been humiliated by a dude was the last thing I wanted to be doing, but there was no way I could stop the flow of thoughts. For me, Kage was everything now. If I couldn’t be with him, I needed to talk about him.
“How do you get a guy back?” My voice sounded small, all efforts to put up a macho front buried beneath the pain.
“Really, Jamie? You’re asking me how to get a guy back?”
“I know,” I groaned. “Believe me, I am well aware of the irony here. Do you know how hard it is for me to even ask? I just don’t know what to do. It’s taking every ounce of self-control I’ve got— every bit of pride— not to go running after him, Layla. He doesn’t even want me anymore, and I’m sitting here trying to come with a way to get him back. God, I’m fucking weak.”
“Wow,” she breathed, looking up at the sky as a lone tear slipped from the corner of her eye. She dabbed at it with the tip of her pinky finger. “You barely even reacted when I broke up with you. Do you realize that? I told you I was talking to someone else, and you just blew it off. I thought you would at least get mad or jealous or something, but you didn’t. You were cold as ice. Now here you are, crying like a baby over this culero.”
“Please stop calling him that. I have no idea what culero means, but I know coming out of your mouth it can’t be good.”
She turned a sarcastic smile on me. “It means ass fucker, Jamie.” Her expression dared me to argue.
“Jeez, that’s… literal,” I laughed. “And disturbingly accurate. But please, just don’t, okay?” I glanced up at her from beneath my lashes.
“Don’t give me that look,” she said. “It ain’t gonna work here no more.”
“Please just be nice, Layla. I care about him, okay?”
She shrugged, but she didn’t respond. I knew her well enough to know what that meant. From now on, as far as Layla was concerned, Kage’s legal name was Culero.
We sat through a very long silence, trying to breathe in the heavy air, listening to the forlorn sounds of the night. Crickets and various insects, a bullfrog who piped up every now and then.
“Don’t judge Kage too harshly, Layla,” I beseeched quietly. “He’s been through a lot in his life. I’m not sure what kinds of skeletons he’s got in his closet, but I have a feeling it’s not pretty. And if you could see him the way he is normally, not all pissed off like that, you’d understand. He’s amazing.”
“Amazing? What I saw was not amazing. You sound like you’ve been brainwashed. He’s amazing, he’s had a hard life, blah blah blah.”
I glared at her. “And how is he any worse than Matt, who stole you from right under my nose and took you to a pickup bar on your first date? How is that such a great guy?”
“He wasn’t a great guy, and we’re not together. You were right about him being an asshole.”
“Well, I’m sorry you picked a bad guy. I lucked out and got a good one.”
She huffed. “If I’d known we were both trying to get a good guy, I never would have gone out with you in the first place, Jamie. What the fuck? Were you gay while we were together? Was I just a front for you?”
“No, of course not. I’m not gay.”
“Yeah? What do you call it, then? Cause I’m pretty sure you told me you’re sleeping with a guy. Not to mention what I just saw with my own eyes.”
“Look, I don’t know what I am, okay? I don’t even care at this point. I just know that I’ve had relationships before, and I was perfectly satisfied with them. Like with us. I cared about you, Layla. The sex was great, you’re a sweet girl, and I never thought about cheating on you with anyone, male or female. But… it’s different with him.”
“Different how?”
“It’s hard to explain. It’s like I can’t think of anything but him anymore. When I’m with him, I’m totally invested, you know? Like there’s nothing else in the world but the two of us. And when we’re not together, I’m thinking about when I’m going to see him again, going over our conversations in my mind, imagining… God, I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this.” I felt heat rise to my face, but it wasn’t enough to shut me up. “I fantasize about his body all the time. I know every inch of him by heart, Layla. I see him every time I close my eyes. How did this happen to me? How could I let this happen?”
“I don’t think I want to be hearing this,” Layla confessed.
“I know. I’m really sorry you’re the one who has to be here to see me fall apart. But I have to tell you how I feel. I just don’t want you to think this was some power play on his part, or some kind of sexual harassment or rape or whatever. It’s not like that. Everything that happened tonight was just as much my fault as his. Actually, it’s more my fault.”
“Did he get mad about me being here? Is that what it was?”
I shook my head. “No, that was just icing on the cake. I think what he was really upset about was that I tried to act like there was nothing going on between him and me. He said that my parents were staging an intervention, and that I didn’t think he was good enough to claim as my boyfriend. He felt like I was using him for sex.”
Layla cleared her throat. “Maybe you were, and you just don’t want to admit it.”
“Are you crazy? Anyone would kill to have Michael Kage as a boyfriend. For more reasons than just sex.”
“Then why were you trying to keep him a secret?”
“I wasn’t. Not exactly. I guess I just didn’t realize it was actually happening until it was too late. For the longest time, I tried to ignore the thoughts I was having about him. It seemed like he was flirting with me sometimes, and I was definitely getting confused. But I couldn’t wrap my head around him wanting me. Then all of a sudden we were kissing, and doing other stuff. My head was spinning, you know? It was like a really awesome dream you don’t want to wake up from. Then today happened, and all of a sudden it was over. I was alone before I even knew I had someone.”
“So you’re in… love?” She said the word like it tasted bitter on her tongue.
“I don’t know. Does love feel like you’d rather die than try to pick yourself up off the ground? If so, then maybe. But I know he’s not in love with me. Not after tonight.”
We sat and listened to the bullfrog and the crickets for a while longer. Eventually, Layla slapped her own arm a couple of times, then her thigh.
“Are you about ready to go inside, Jamie? These mosquitoes are killing me. Plus, you need to take a shower and get ready to go with your mother to the hospital in a few hours.” She glanced pointedly at my twisted shorts, and at my dirt-streaked legs. “I’m sure you don’t want to go looking like that.”
“Mom…” I glanced up at the darkened house, closed my eyes and swallowed. “Thanks for reminding me. Not only has my love life just gone down in flames, but I’ve got to go escort my mom to have her boobs cut off. Can life actually get any worse?”
“Yeah, Jamie. You could be the one having your boobs cut off.”
Damn. She made a good point. I was being awfully selfish worrying about myself and a guy I’d only known for a couple of months— a guy who’d just abandoned me— when Mom was the one who had real problems. I needed to put all this shit aside and concentrate on being strong for her. That was what I was here for, after all.
Layla pushed up off the ground and reached down to help me up. I pushed her hand away. “Thanks, but I’m not helpless. Pathetic, stupid, naive, fucked in the head… All of those things I am for sure, but helpless I am not.”
I dragged myself up, wondering if I’d spoken too soon about not being helpless when I felt the searing pain in my ass. I winced and looked down at myself. My knees were scraped up, I was dirty as hell, and my muscles were sore from being so tense while Kage was having his way with me. I made a mental note to never let a guy angry-fuck me without knee pads, lube, and muscle relaxers. Wait. What the hell was I thinking? I amended my mental note to never letting a guy fuck me again at all.
Because, hello… not gay.
Kage was just a fluke, a one-time deal. I shouldn’t even give it a second thought, and I certainly shouldn’t question my sexuality. The fact was, I was only an imperfect human, and Kage was larger than life. He was a shooting star. Anybody would have fallen for him, right? Not just me. Any-fucking-body. Even the most macho of macho men— the most alpha of alphas. Hell, Chuck Norris would have bottomed for Kage if he’d gotten the chance.
“Jamie? What are you thinking?” Layla waved a hand in front of my dazed face.
“Oh.” I blinked in an effort to clear the disturbing vision of Kage reaming Chuck Norris, who for some reason was still wearing his karate gi. “You don’t wanna know. Trust me, even I don’t wanna know.”
She started toward the house, but I called her name. “Hang on.” I limped to catch up with her. “I need to know one thing before we go inside.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but why are you here, Layla?”
She stopped walking just shy of the back door. “I was wondering when you’d get around to asking me that. God, I’m so sorry, Jamie. I didn’t mean to cause problems for you, it just sort of happened.” She let out a nervous breath, and it was obvious she had been dreading this conversation. “I ran into Trey at the Collegiate, and we got to talking. He told me he’d heard that your mom had cancer and that it was really bad. I know I shouldn’t have, but I got him to give me your home phone number, and I called. Your sister answered the phone, and we started talking about you, and she said you were coming down to be with your mom for surgery. I swear I only wanted to say something nice to your mother, which I did, but then Jennifer told her she ought to invite me to keep you company at the hospital. That’s how your mom ended up inviting me to stay over. I swear I didn’t hint or anything. To be honest, I didn’t even really want to come, but how could I be rude to your mom with her being so sick?”
“It’s okay,” I assured her, gesturing toward the back door for her to walk in ahead of me. “It was nice of you to come. I just couldn’t figure out how it happened, that’s all. It was a big fucking surprise seeing your car parked out there.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.” She gave me a rueful smile as I dropped her off at the door of the guest room. “I really am sorry about everything. I still hate that asshole, but I wish I hadn’t caused problems for you.”
“When are you leaving?” I asked, hoping she didn’t take it as rudely as it sounded.
“Tomorrow. I’ll go with you to the hospital, but just until the surgery is over and they say she’s okay.”
I smiled mildly. “See you in a few hours.”
“Goodnight,” she said.
I went on to my room, not bothering to turn the light on. I just found the bed in the dark and collapsed onto it without taking off my clothes. I knew someone would wake me early enough to shower and change. I didn’t have the energy to do anything but lie in the dark and freak out. I was missing Kage already. My ass was hurting something fierce, but I didn’t mind. It seemed like the pain was the only thing I had left.