Eva
I tossed and turned in my bed for the majority of the night. My body finally surrendered to sleep sometime after four in the morning, but it hadn’t been restful. Jamie had come for me in my dreams, and it was while I was in that unconscious state our kiss didn’t end like it had last night. He hadn’t broken away from me, or become disgusted at himself for kissing me. No, he had continued to give me what I wanted by fucking me hard against my foyer wall.
Shaking my head, I slid out of bed and showered. I was making breakfast—or lunch since it was way past noon—when I received a text from David:
Your mother is doing well. Just wanted to keep you in the loop.
An emoji ended the text. I smiled at the thought that David Curran, a cutthroat attorney who didn’t take any shit in the courtroom, would send me a yellow smiley face. I liked this man. He was genuine and kind, and it was obvious that he had a close relationship with his adult children. Maybe that was why I responded to his text, not because I wanted to see my mother:
Is she up for visitors?
David’s response was immediate and in all caps:
ABSOLUTELY!
I stared at the text for a second and then placed my phone on the kitchen counter. I couldn’t not go now. David hadn’t asked me to come see my mother. I was the one who had inquired about visiting.
Well, shit.
I threw on a pair of jeans, boots, t-shirt and a hooded sweatshirt. I wasn’t up for making myself up any more than that. I did dab on some concealer beneath my eyes to hide the bags that I had going on due to my shitty night’s sleep. On my way to the hospital I picked up some flowers, a bouquet of hydrangeas, from the flower shop just around the corner from the hospital and bought a few Sudoku magazines from a vendor on the street. I wasn’t sure if she still liked solving those annoying ass puzzles, but I got them anyway, just in case she did and needed something to help her pass the time as she recovered.
After I had checked in with reception, I took the elevator up to the fifth floor and made my way to my mother’s room. But with each footfall my confidence faded, allowing the doubt to creep in. Coming here was stupid. The Sudoku books were lame. This relationship couldn’t be repaired. We were different people now. I was about to leave when I heard my name.
“Eva?” I hadn’t realized that I was standing in the doorway to my mother’s room when I had seriously been considering jetting. “Eva?” my mother called again. Her voice was weak and broken. The sound melted my heart . . . a little.
David was sitting in a chair next to my mother’s bed when he looked up and said, “It’s nice to see you again, honey.” He stood, walked over and kissed me on the cheek. I smiled at how comfortable he was around me, how it didn’t seem to bother him that he suddenly had a stepdaughter. In fact, he looked pleased that I was here and in his life. Which wasn’t something I was used to. My father’s indifference toward me growing up was what I had grown accustomed to. That was the norm. Not this. Not genuine affection.
“Hi, Mom. These are for you,” I said, resting the magazines and flowers in her arms. My mother’s fingers trembled as she caressed the delicate petals.
“Hydrangeas are my favorite. You remembered?” she asked, her eyes welling with tears.
“How about I get these into a vase. I’ll go ask the nurse for one,” David said, patting his wife on the hand. He scooped up the flowers, gave me a wink and left.
Her question made me uncomfortable, so I skirted it by asking one of my own. “So, how are you feeling?”
My mother smiled. “Like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. But I can’t complain. The doctors think they got it all and that’s what matters.”
“David called me last night before I went to bed and gave me an update. That’s great news, Mom.”
This time my mother’s eyes didn’t well up but pooled over. “David told me that you came yesterday. That you stayed while I was in surgery.” She wiped her eyes. “It was the first thing he said when I came to.”
“I don’t know David well, but I can tell he is a great guy.” I wasn’t bullshitting her. I really did think David was pretty awesome.
My mother’s smile faded into a sad, knowing one. “You can ask, you know. I won’t be offended in any way,” my mother said.
“Ask what?”
“How a man like David could ever love a woman like me?”
“Mom, I don’t think right now is the time to discuss anything that will make either of us upset . . . especially you.”
“Okay, I understand. I’ll answer it for you. You see, I have no idea why David loves me. He knows what kind of woman I was, what I did to you . . . what I should have done for you . . . but he married me anyway. So, the only conclusion I have come to is that David is some type of saint.”
This woman with the pale blue eyes resembled my mother. Minus the accusatory edge, her voice even sounded the same. But that was all that remained of the woman I had once known. A stranger occupied the bed before me now.
Did I want to get to know this woman? Was I strong enough? Brave enough to find out if my heart could handle it?
“Or maybe . . . you’re not that woman anymore,” I said, reaching for her hand.
“Lord, I hope so.”
“Baby steps, Mom. Let’s take this a little at a time. Okay?” My mother wiped some tears away with her hand and nodded.
“Found a vase. How do they look?” David asked, as he entered the room.
“They’re beautiful. Absolutely beautiful,” my mother said, looking at me, and not the hydrangeas.
I wanted to believe that my mother had changed, that she wasn’t going to mutate back into that evil, Bible-spouting woman I had endured growing up, the one who had called me a whore and a piece of trash. I didn’t want to think about that right now and try to make sense of my jumbled emotions. Luckily, David—unintentionally it seemed—lightened the mood and we talked about easy things like work and getting ready for the holidays. I was filling them in on how I had spent Christmas in Australia last year when in walked Jamie. He halted as he crossed the threshold and locked eyes with me.
Please don’t speak. I won’t be able to handle hearing the sound of your voice.
“So, how’s the patient today?” he asked, shifting his attention to my mother and defying my silent plea.
“Hey son,” David said, giving Jamie a hug. My mother reached out her hand, and he gently bent down and kissed her on the cheek. The love in my mother’s eyes for David’s son and the warmth I saw reciprocated from him captivated me. They genuinely cared for one another.
“Hi Eva, nice to see you again.” Jamie’s face was like stone, and I tried desperately to match his gaze.
“Hi Jamie,” I said, forcing a smile.
Don’t let him know. Don’t let him see you fall to pieces.
“So, did you two do what you were told and grabbed some beers on me and some food that wasn’t made in a hospital?” David asked.
“Yep, we did. But we had to end the night early because I had a morning Mass and a wedding to prepare for,” Jamie said, answering without skipping a beat. He seemed completely unaffected by my presence like I wasn’t even in the room at all. With the exception of saying hello, he didn’t even glance my way. And that hurt like hell.
“I thought I would bring you Communion since you couldn’t make it to Mass today,” Jamie said to my mother.
The wedding. Jace . . . Mason . . . Kevin. Kevin.
Sentence fragments of the comments Kevin had slurred last night danced in my head. I cringed as I imagined what Jamie must have thought of me at that moment.
“Eva, are you okay?” David asked. My internal cringing must have bubbled to the surface, causing my mother’s husband to stare at me with what looked like true concern in his eyes.
“Oh, yeah. I think I’m going to head out. I have some work to do. You know how crazy the office can be the day after a holiday weekend.”
David smiled and seemed to buy my half-truth. Work was crazy after a holiday, but the look of horror that must have been on my face was due to my thoughts of last night, not the mountain of work waiting for me at the office. “Understandable. We’ll see you soon, I hope.”
I gave my mother’s hand a squeeze since I wasn’t ready for anything more like a hug or even a quick kiss and said goodbye to David and Jamie. Jamie barely looked at me. Once in the elevator, I closed my eyes and thought about the way he had acted in my mother’s hospital room.
He hates me. Hates me for trying to seduce him. I disgust him. I disgust myself.
By the time the elevator hit the ground floor, I was fighting back tears. I told myself to get a grip and bolted out of that elevator and nearly ran over a man and a very pregnant woman.
“I’m so sorry . . . I . . .”
The man turned around. “Eva, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”
“Justin? I mean—yes, I’m fine. I was just visiting my mother. But I almost barreled you over and your . . . um . . .”
“My sister,” Justin said, smiling. “Katherine, this is Eva, my colleague and friend from the firm.”
“Oh Eva, Justin speaks of you often.” He has? Why? “He told me about your latest case involving those priests and how because of it, you and my brother are now neck and neck at making partner,” Katherine said, playfully.
I looked over at Justin and forced a smile. It was no secret around the office that I was his competition. Up until a few months ago, prior to the priest takedown, Justin Hall had been on track of making partner. But now the buzz was that I had basically catapulted over him and was giving him a real run. But despite us vying for the coveted position, it hadn’t stopped him from flirting with me every chance he got. Even when I was dating Kevin, Justin hadn’t backed down. He had asked me out on a weekly basis, and every time I naturally said no. It wasn’t like he was horrible to look at. Actually, he was handsome and kept himself in nice shape, but I had always turned him down. I was a lot of things but I was not a cheater, and despite Kevin’s rudeness last night, I wouldn’t have changed my decision not to cheat on him.
So, what was stopping me now? Our firm didn’t have a no fraternizing policy. If Justin asked me to dinner, why shouldn’t I agree and see if there was something between us?
Because you would be thinking about someone else. That’s why.
I silently cursed that fucking voice in my head and begged myself to stop thinking about the priest five floors up. “So, what brings you here?” I asked.
“Katherine is pregnant with triplets, and due to her high risk her doctor wants to monitor her overnight,” Justin said.
“It’s routine, really. I’m getting closer to my due date and they just want to make sure all is well. My husband would have joined me today but he is away on business. My brother graciously agreed to step in, keep me company and help me waddle up to my room for the night,” Katherine said with a smile. The mommy-to-be placed her hand on her hip and stretched her back. I imagined she was uncomfortable at this stage in her pregnancy, and she was growing tired just standing here having a conversation with someone she didn’t know.
“Well, that’s very sweet of you, Justin,” I said. I actually meant what I said. It was nice to see a brother help out his sister like that.
“Sweet, huh? Sweet enough to make you reconsider going out with me sometime?” Justin asked with a raised brow and a cocky grin.
To ask me out right in front of his sister and possibly be rejected did take some balls, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make such a decision. And in all honesty, I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to see him outside of work. Despite him being good-looking, there didn’t seem to be any chemistry between us. And then there was that feeling I always got; the feeling I could never quite name whenever I was in his presence. I had no proof, no reason to think it, but there was something off about him. What? I had no idea. It was just a gut feeling that I had trusted since joining the firm over a year ago.
But despite that gut feeling, I had no desire to embarrass Justin in front of his sister so I left things as noncommittal as I could. “Um . . . we’ll see.” I turned to face Katherine. “It was nice meeting you, Katherine. I wish you well in your pregnancy.” Katherine smiled and shook my hand.
“That wasn’t a no. I’ll take it,” Justin said, grinning like a fool.
“It wasn’t a yes, either,” I said, shaking my head. I gave them both a smile, turned and walked away. On my way out of the hospital, I decided to hit the gift shop and buy a bottle of water to go with the two Advil that I wanted to pound. A tension headache was looming and I wanted to cut it off before it officially took over. But just as I was about to enter the gift shop I heard his voice.
“Who is he?”
I looked over to find Jamie stepping out of the shadows. His eyes demanded an answer, and if he would have just used that neutral tone he had resorted to in my mother’s hospital room I wouldn’t have caved. But he had used that voice I craved, the one that cut me off at the knees every single time. “Justin is a colleague of mine. We work together at the firm.”
I couldn’t breathe. The walls were closing in. I no longer had a headache. I no longer needed pain meds. No, what I needed was to get away from him. Instead of going into the gift shop, I turned and walked toward the exit doors. I thought I had made it safely outside without further discussion when he grabbed me by the arm and led me down the sidewalk. I could barely keep up with his massive strides. Before I could tell him to get his hands off me, he dragged me into some tight, dark alleyway and held me against the wall.
“Have you fucked him?” he asked, his grip tightening around my arm.
I wanted to tell him that he had no right to ask me that or manhandle me like a Raggedy Ann doll, but I couldn’t. I loved the dark tone he used, how his nostrils flared, that he looked like he was spiraling out of control . . . just like I was. “No,” I said.
He pressed his body against mine so I could feel every ridge of his hard cock through his painfully thin pants. “Are you planning on fucking him, Eva? Do you want him to taste you? Do you want him to fill you with his cock?” He ground his hips, brushing up against my clit through our layers of clothing. I moaned at the incredible sensation and fisted his shirt. “Answer me, Eva. Do you want to fuck him?” he asked, trailing his lips lightly over mine and then along the curve of my neck. “Do you want his fingers slipping inside you, making you come?” He let go of my arm and cupped my pussy through my jeans.
“Oh God,” I groaned as I ground into his hand.
“That’s not an answer, though I can have you screaming His name.”
There had been a question, one that was getting harder and harder to answer, especially when he was pressing on that sweet spot with the pad of his thumb in agonizing circles. But somehow I was able to formulate words and gave him the God’s honest truth. “I want your fingers . . . I want to come for you, Jamie.”
A guttural growl tore from his throat as he pinned both my arms over my head against the wall. “Don’t move your arms, Eva, and no matter what happens, how good I make you feel, don’t touch me.”
Don’t touch him? No, that wasn’t going to work. I wanted to feel him up against me. I wanted his cock in my hands, in my mouth as I took him deep. “Please Jamie, I want to feel you.”
“No, you can’t. Not allowing you to touch me is my punishment for wanting you like this. Only you will come. Understand?” I was shaking my head in defiance when he unbuttoned my jeans and lowered the zipper. His fingers dipped beneath my panties and I gasped. “So fucking wet, Eva. And hot to the touch.” His fingertips slipped between my slick folds while his thumb swirled relentlessly on my clit. I wasn’t going to last much longer at this pace, and he entered me with one finger, then two. I cried out as I grew dangerously close to the edge. He mashed his lips into mine and swallowed my whimpers. I sucked on his tongue, timing it to when he thrust his fingers into my heat.
“Jamie, come with me. Let me touch you,” I begged, bringing my hands to his face. His eyes were ravenous with want, but I also saw how conflicted he was, how torn.
We stared at each other and for a second I thought he was going to relent, but then he took my wrists in the hand that wasn’t down my pants and forced my arms above my head again. “No, this is how it has to be, baby.” He thrust a third finger inside me, triggering an orgasm that had me screaming his name. “So beautiful,” he murmured, watching me quake as I rode out every crushing wave. He took my mouth hard and stole the breath from my lungs. Jamie ground his pelvis into me and I shamelessly begged for more.
That was the beginning of the end.
He stepped away and stared at me. With his fists clenched, his fingers still glistening from being inside me, he looked like he either wanted to kiss me or inflict pain. “There can never be more.” He raked his fingers through his thick dark hair while he paced. “And this can never happen again.” His tone was clipped and absolute, causing my heart to sink. Guilt overtook me as I realized what I had done, what we took part in. I had not respected his vow or the promises he had made. Feeling completely ashamed, I buttoned my pants as quickly as I could and left without saying a word.