Jamie
Edward had found me that night on my knees in front of the altar, in the very spot Eva and I had given ourselves to each other, in deep prayer. I hadn’t heard him until he was upon me and I turned to face him.
“I’m sorry to disturb you, Jamie. I can come back another time,” Edward said.
It was unusual for Edward to come to my church as his responsibilities as a bishop were great and all-consuming. That was why I was surprised to see him here, at this hour on the day before Christmas Eve, one of the busiest nights for a priest.
“Edward, it’s no bother. Please, stay,” I said, standing and gesturing to a pew. He followed me over and we took a seat.
“Jamie, how are things since we last spoke?” There was no reason to lie to him. And frankly, I didn’t have the strength to. Eva’s text had destroyed me. Just minutes after her telling me that I was hurting her, I found myself running into church and falling to my knees. I had been in prayer ever since, asking for help, for guidance, for Him to rid Eva from my heart. Because I couldn’t deny it anymore. She consumed me. She owned the piece of me that I thought I would never be able to give to any woman.
I loved her, and every part of me believed that she loved me too. She had almost said it tonight. Standing with her back to me, trapped between me and her car, she had stopped herself from saying that she loved me. But I had felt it. I had heard it in her voice as I inhaled her scent, as I leaned in until I was just millimeters from her heated flesh. I could still smell her on me, that vanilla soap that drove me fucking insane.
“I’ve been better, Edward,” I said.
Edward looked me over and sighed. “I had hoped that your parishioner had been mistaken, but from the looks of you I would say she was right to be concerned.”
“Parishioner?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“One of your parishioners is a friend of mine and asked me if you were ill. She also told me that you seemed distracted lately.” Edward sat back in the pew and stared at me. “I can’t say that I blame her. You look like you haven’t eaten or slept in a week.” I knew I had lost a few pounds because I had needed to use the next belt hole as of late. As for the dark circles around my eyes, those were harder to hide. I wasn’t a chick who could throw some concealer on. I did look like shit.
“I’ve given her up, Edward. And this, what you see in front of you, is the result of that decision.”
“I see,” Edward said. I expected him to follow that up with a, Well, it’s for the best, Jamie. Or maybe a, It will get easier. God will carry you during this painful time. So, I was floored with what he said next. “Was that the right decision, Jamie?”
What the fuck? Wasn’t that what he had wanted me to do? Wasn’t that what God wanted? For me to give up Eva? Keep my promise and continue to serve Him?
“Yes, Edward, I believe it was. Why do you ask this?” My patience was dwindling. Why was my friend and mentor questioning me like this? Clearly, he knew I was suffering. Why would he play mind games with me?
“To be perfectly honest, I suspected that one day you would find yourself at a crossroads. And it would be then you would be forced out of hiding.”
I felt my eyes narrow and my fury mount. “Hiding? From what, exactly?” I asked my supposed friend.
“Look deep inside yourself, Jamie. You know who you’re hiding from and you know what brought you here to this exact point in time. So, you tell me that you made a decision. Now tell me, honestly, if you think it was the right one?”
“I don’t know what you want from me. I have given her up so I can be the servant He wants.”
“Is this what He wants? For you to be in constant pain? For you to question your decision to have become a priest in the first place?”
I felt my eyes widen. It was like Edward and Nate had met up and compared notes. As if Nate had picked up the phone after my tantrum in the garage and told Edward all about it. “You can’t tell me that I’m the first priest in history to question my vocation.”
“No, you aren’t the first. And you certainly won’t be the last,” Edward said, standing up. “I care about you, Jamie—as a friend, as a priest. You need to know that denying yourself, your feelings . . . the truth over why you’re sitting before me as a priest and not as a layperson is not what God wants. And that is what should be considered when you are on your knees asking for guidance.”
I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t wrap my head around what my friend and mentor just said. I thought he would have been an ally and supported my painful decision to give Eva up. But instead he questioned me, doubted my devotion and commitment to the priesthood.
And confirmed that I looked like shit.