Jamie
For weeks I had thought of her, how much I wanted her, how right she had felt that day when I made her come, when she screamed my name, not Kevin’s or Justin’s. The thought of either of those pricks or the bastards she had most likely encountered at the club touching Eva and making her fall beautifully apart like she had with me made me so fucking jealous that I couldn’t think straight. Yes, I had performed my duties, said Mass, did several last rites calls at the hospital, led the ministry groups and oversaw the other activities that went on in a parish that was finally getting back on its feet, but I had been in a fog during all of it.
I missed her. I missed her honesty. Her sarcasm. The way she didn’t apologize for being who she was. I missed how alive she made me feel whenever I was in her presence, and I missed that voice, that breathy and entrancing sound that had the capability to make me question everything.
Edward Wilson looked up from his desk and found me in his doorway. “Jamie, what a nice surprise. What has brought you here today?”
Although he was my confessor, Edward was also my friend. He had served as my mentor during my years at the seminary and I trusted him. Just last year he was appointed bishop.
I rounded the chair opposite of him and took a seat. “You’re troubled. What’s wrong, Jamie?” he asked, putting his pen down and giving me his full attention.
“Edward, have you ever been tempted? To break your vow?”
Edward leaned back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap. “Yes, I have.”
His honest response shouldn’t have surprised me. Edward wasn’t one to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. Actually, he could be downright ruthless when he wanted to be. Edward had been the one I had confided in right before I entered the seminary. He knew about my active sex life prior to me making the decision to become a priest. I had also told him about Nate’s assault and the fact that my brother would never walk again. It had been during one of our discussions, only weeks before I was ordained, that Edward had asked me if I truly wanted to be a priest. I, of course, became defensive over his question and I vehemently denied that I had any other motive than wanting to become a priest than to serve our Lord. I remembered how Edward had looked at me then as I had taken offense as if he was accusing me of a crime.
It was the same way he was looking at me now.
“Do you still think of her?”
“Yes, sometimes. It’s difficult not to think of her whenever I marry a nice, young couple. My mind goes to places I know it shouldn’t at those moments. Like, did she ever marry or have children? What would my life have been like if I would have just kissed her that night, the night she had stayed to help me decorate the church for Christmas Eve Mass?”
“So you never acted on your temptation?”
“No,” he said with a sigh. Edward stood and made his way over to the cabinet that housed the good stuff. He reached inside and grabbed two glasses and poured the scotch that even I enjoyed. “But you have.” It wasn’t said with an accusatory tone or one that suggested that he was disappointed in me. It was stated simply as fact. Edward walked over and planted the glass in my hand.
“I have kissed a woman, the same woman, on two separate occasions.” I also had my fingers inside her and made her scream my name, but Edward didn’t need to know every detail.
“But you were able to stop? To not let it go any further?” Edward asked, sitting back down in his chair.
“Yes . . . but barely. I don’t know what came over me.”
“I do. We’re men, Jamie. The need for companionship and love didn’t magically just disappear the moment we took our vows. Lord knows that would have made life a whole lot easier and a lot less frustrating.”
“It’s been two weeks since I had kissed her, only to turn on her and tell her that we could never do that again, that there could never be more.”
“How did she respond?”
Eva hadn’t said a word. And she didn’t have to for me to know that I had hurt her. I would never forget the look she had given me. It had been riddled with guilt and shame, and it killed me that I had made her feel those things.
Then there was our conversation at the Plough and the Star just one week ago. Her trembling fingers, the way she had blushed and could barely look at me at first, had told me that she was nervous. I had then turned into a complete asshole by asking her if she wanted to be manhandled at the club later that night and unleashed her anger and that quick tongue, which I had deserved.
“She didn’t. She simply left me standing there, feeling like a monster for making her feel like she had done something wrong. When in reality I’m the only one to blame. I’m the one who had taken vows, not her.” I took a hearty swig of scotch, but it did nothing to warm my soul. “She doesn’t deserve this.”
“If this is lust, then my advice is to maintain your distance from her. But if this is something else, if you have developed real feelings for this woman, then it won’t matter how much space you put between you two. Because she will always be here,” Edward said, pointing at his heart.
That was what I was afraid of.
“Why did you come here, Jamie? To confess?”
Initially, that was exactly why I had come. To confess my sins and be absolved of my actions and impure thoughts. But now, well, I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sorry that I had kissed Eva, that I had feelings for a woman I didn’t deserve and could never have. I wasn’t sorry that I had wanted to make her mine and ensure that she never know the touch of another. I wasn’t sorry that she had chosen me to share her most intimate memories with, that she had bared her soul to me, not Kevin or that dick Justin.
“I’m not ready to confess,” I said.
Edward put his now empty glass on the desk. “I see.” I knew what I had just admitted. Edward might be my friend and confessor, but he was also a bishop and my superior, meaning I was risking everything. My career, the parish that I had worked hard to rebuild, all by saying that I didn’t regret kissing Eva . . . that I wasn’t sorry and wanted to live in sin awhile longer. “This cannot go on, Jamie.”
He was right. I couldn’t continue to serve my parish with dignity and have lapses of judgment whenever Eva was in my presence. “I know and for more reason than one. Eva, the woman I can’t stop thinking about, is also my stepmother’s daughter. I met her for the first time this past Thanksgiving. So, as you can imagine, putting distance between us will be next to impossible.”
I watched Edward digest that little gem and was in awe that he hadn’t even flinched. The man had definitely heard some juicy confessions over the years, but it wasn’t every day that he learned that the man before him had feelings for his own stepsister. “Well, that complicates things a bit, now doesn’t it?” Edward asked. His tone wasn’t meant to be sarcastic or flippant. That wasn’t Edward’s style. No, he was direct and right now I could tell that he was truly at a loss for words.
“I know this can’t go on, Edward. It’s not fair to my parishioners, but mostly it’s not fair to God. I just don’t know what to do.”
Edward stood and laid a hand on my shoulder. “I suggest you pray on this.” He gave me a pat on my back. Before he left, I heard him say, “Because this cannot continue. As much as I respect you as a friend, I am also a bishop, meaning I won’t let it continue. Pray that you receive your answers very soon, Jamie.”