Chapter 49
The short drive to Kane’s small bungalow in Silverside felt like hours. With my driving skills on autopilot and my heart quivering in fear of a death-blow, I manufactured and discarded scenario after scenario.
Maybe he’d decided to try again with Alicia, and he was dumping me.
Or maybe he was furious with me for making him put on a sex show for Riel’s bug. Or for choking him and threatening to rip his balls off. That was a distinct possibility.
Or… good God, maybe he was going to confess to a torrid affair with Tawny.
Or he hated me for endangering Daniel.
Or he’d discovered he had some deadly sexually transmitted disease that passed through condoms…
By the time I parked in front of his house my hands were trembling and nausea churned my guts.
Walking up to his front steps, I drew deep calming breaths. Settle down, stomach. Don’t hurl all over his welcome mat…
When Kane opened the door, he took one look at my face and whisked me into his living room. “Sit,” he said, pressing me onto the soft leather sofa. “Head between your knees. Slow breaths.”
Bent double with Kane’s warm hand making gentle circles on my back, I breathed slowly in time with his coaching.
“In… two, three, four. Out… two, three four. In…”
After a few minutes I straightened, not sure whether the heat in my face was embarrassment or increased circulation.
“Sorry,” I said. “I haven’t been sleeping lately, and I missed lunch.”
“Just rest here,” he commanded. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t want anything. My stomach’s a bit upset.”
“I’ll get you some ginger ale.” He rose. “Just relax here for a while.”
“No, I’m fine.” I followed him to the kitchen, feeling anything but.
He filled a glass with ice and opened a ginger ale, his movements swift and sure.
When I was settled at the table with the glass fizzing in front of me, I took a steadying sip before throwing out the opening gambit. “You said we needed to talk.”
“Yes.” Kane sat abruptly in the other chair as though his knees had given way. “I… when we were at Harchman’s…”
“I’m sorry about the sex,” I blurted. “I didn’t mean to use you, I just-”
“No, it’s fine,” he interrupted. “I mean… it wasn’t only ‘fine’, it was mind-blowing. As it always is with you. But it’s all right; I knew what you were doing and I was…” He hesitated and his voice softened. “Honoured. I was honoured that despite the bug, you trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms.”
“Oh.”
I nearly added, ‘It wasn’t trust at all; I was just exhausted’, but I silenced the lie before it could emerge.
I had trusted him then.
“Okay… and…?” I said instead.
“And…” He hesitated again. “Now here you are. Ready to talk. Not backing your chair away from me while pretending not to retreat. Not picking a meaningless fight to drive me away.”
“Well…” I gave him a twisted smile. “I guess I’ve changed.”
“Yes…” He studied me, his brow furrowed. “When you kissed me at Sirius just now… what was that?”
My old defensive shields flew up and my voice came out light and casual. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… don’t take this the wrong way, but were you… was it just a ploy to rattle Holt?”
“Um…”
My cowardly heart seized the excuse with relief. I could laugh and pass it off as nothing more than a jab at Holt.
Or I could show some courage and admit the truth.
Go on, chickenshit. He can’t hurt you any worse than you’ve already been hurt.
“I, um… I was just… happy that everything had turned out okay…” I equivocated.
Do it. Say the words.
“And, um…” I drew a deep breath and took the plunge. “This-whole-thing-made-me-realize-how-much-I-trust-you.” I rushed the words out, already wishing I could take them back.
Kane paled.
“I mean, it was great to be working with you again,” I babbled, my heart pounding as though it would burst through my ribs and flee to safety. “I mean, not that we were really working together exactly, but I just-”
“Aydan.”
I shut up, realizing I’d shoved my chair tight against the wall and my sweaty palms were clamped on the seat.
Forcing a shaky laugh, I let go of the chair and scrubbed my palms against my legs. “Sorry. I guess I haven’t changed as much as I thought. Should I start a fight now?”
He didn’t smile at my feeble joke. “No, please don’t.” He swallowed. “You may have ample reason to be angry with me soon enough.”
I leaned back in my chair, as if those few inches of distance could protect me from what was to come. “That, um… sounds ominous,” I whispered through dry lips.
“Yes,” Kane said grimly. “I hope you’ll hear me out, but stop me if you have questions.” He drew a deep breath. “I… In the past couple of months I’ve discovered a lot about my own shortcomings.” He barked out a mirthless laugh. “There’s nothing like attending therapy sessions with your ex to uncover all your undesirable qualities.”
“Ouch,” I murmured in sympathy.
“Yes. There are things I can’t reveal to Alicia or the civilian therapist. But I can reveal them to you. And… I need do that, for both our sakes. It’s probably…” His gaze wavered and he sighed. “It might mean the end of our friendship. But you deserve the truth, and I deserve to face whatever fallout there is.”
My heart quivered but I held my face expressionless. “Okay.”
Kane squared his shoulders. “I’ll start at the beginning. I have only the barest inkling of what your first marriage was like, but it must have been hellish if even a strong, smart woman like you could be reprogrammed to believe that every moment of intimacy is a trap and a weapon to be used against her.”
I shrugged, suppressing the urge to squirm.
He went on, “I, on the other hand… You know me pretty well, so you can probably guess what I was like in high school…”
I forced a chuckle. “A skirt-chasing jock. A highly successful skirt-chasing jock, according to the stories going around at your funeral last year.”
He flushed. “Yes. I’m ashamed of it now, but when I was a teenager…” He shook his head. “Anyway, I learned early that women respond well to a take-charge guy.”
“A take-charge guy who looks like you,” I clarified with a gesture at his physique and a smile that felt wooden.
“Well… yes.” He studied the table as though there might be a test later. “Anyway, in the army I was trained to identify objectives and develop tactical plans, and never to quit until I achieve the objective. Then when I went through training for clandestine operations, I learned emotional manipulation techniques…”
“And became damn near irresistible,” I finished.
He flashed me a shamefaced half-smile. “I probably shouldn’t take that as a compliment, but I do.” Sobering, he went on, “I internalized those behaviours until I didn’t even realize they were there. And then you came along, and my training kicked in. I’m not trying to make excuses, but…” He made a helpless gesture, both hands rising only to fall back to the table. “Thirty-one years of programming is hard to overcome. Especially if you don’t even realize you’re responding to it.”
Fear trembled in my belly, but somehow I kept my voice calm and even. “You’re preaching to the choir, remember? I’ve got more than enough fucked-up programming of my own. I get it, believe me.”
He sighed. “Yes, of course you do. Anyway, to make a long story short and ugly… I played you. I’ve been playing you all along.”
My breath stopped, my heart barely able to beat in the icy grip of bone-deep horror.
Holt had been right.
And I had been so, so wrong.
Kane added hurriedly, “Unintentionally. I didn’t realize I was doing it until it was too late. You were so important to me I just… focused on the objective. Tried to be what I thought you wanted.” He swallowed. “And instead I became the very thing you dread.”
Kane stared at the wall and spoke tonelessly, as though reading a prepared confession before a firing squad. “At first I was my usual take-charge self. When that backfired, I switched to a sensitive-guy approach. That didn’t work, either, so I played the ‘vulnerable’ card, which, to be honest, wasn’t really an act at that point. I was so messed up after that mission…” He blew out a breath. “No excuse. It was exactly the kind of emotional manipulation you feared.”
My heart clattered emptily into the dark abyss in the pit of my stomach, its echoes fading to nothing. Oxygen deprivation darkened the edges of my vision.
I managed a shallow breath.
In. Out…
“And then when you gave in and said you’d marry me, and I realized what I’d done…” Muscles rippled in Kane’s jaw. “I felt… sick. But if I confessed, you’d hate me; and I was still reeling from my last mission, too much of a coward to lose you then. And if I backed away from our relationship without explaining, you’d feel as though I was rejecting you. That would have been worse.”
He propped his forehead in his fists. “Thank God for Hellhound! He gave us both a graceful exit.” He met my eyes at last. “I intended to come clean as soon as we’d both completed some therapy, but then Daniel came along…”
He broke off, then added, “Still no excuse. I do love you, as a person, not as an objective; but I realize I’ve betrayed any trust you might have had in me. I am truly sorry.”
He bowed his head as if for the executioner’s axe.
A chasm of silence gaped between us.
After a long moment, Kane muttered, “I’ll… let you think things over.”
He rose and headed for the hallway. As he disappeared around the corner, my throat unlocked at last.
“Wait,” I croaked.
He reappeared, his cop face firmly in place, but his hands were clenched in white-knuckled fists.
I clutched the ginger ale glass between slick palms and swallowed hard.
“I don’t hate you.” My voice sounded stronger now. “I… I don’t quite know what to do with this yet… but I don’t hate you.”
His expression eased to cautious hope.
I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “My first impulse is to assure you that everything’s okay… but I’m pretty sure that’s just my old programming, saying whatever it takes to smooth things over. So… I need to think about this.”
“I should have been open with you from the start,” Kane said. “I should have understood what you’d been through and worked harder to avoid repeating your history.”
I grimaced. “You couldn’t have known. Even if you’d asked me, I wouldn’t have told you the truth.” We stared at each other in futile silence for a moment before I added, “But we’ve been through a lot together and I’m not willing to throw that away just yet.”
Some of the rigidity went out of Kane’s posture. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “I promise to be completely truthful with you from now on.” His face twisted in a bitter smile. “As if that promise actually has any value.”
“It doesn’t. Everything you’ve just said might be bullshit designed to convince me that your past behaviour was reasonable, so you can gain even more emotional control over me. That was my ex’s best trick, too.”
Kane’s jaw hardened, pain flaring in his eyes, and I added, “But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve always known you were capable of that. You wouldn’t be a top agent if you weren’t.” I reached out to him and he came closer, taking my hand tentatively.
“I think we’re in the same boat,” I added. “You don’t have any reason to trust what I say, either. But I’ve been through a lot of therapy and soul-searching since the summer, and I meant it when I said I’ve changed. You still might be playing me, but… even if you are, I think…”
I fumbled for the right words. “I think… I’m strong enough to deal with it. And to walk away if I have to. And we have Arnie to watch out for both of us. So… maybe we could just… start again and see how it goes?”
Kane’s voice softened. “Yes. A fresh start would be perfect.”
“But are you sure that’s what you want?” I asked. “Because I’m still a bullet magnet, and you’re still a dad. Every minute you spend with me is a potential risk to Daniel and Alicia. To your family.”
“She’s not-” Kane began, then bit off the words and tried again. “You’re right, of course. She’s my son’s mother, and for his sake I need to protect her, too. But you… I…” He stared at me, frustration plain on his face. “I’ve said right from the start that I won’t risk Daniel’s safety for anything… but I can’t… won’t… choose between you.”
I rose. “It’s okay, we both have a lot of thinking to do. I’d better go. You need to get back to Daniel tonight.” As I moved toward the door, I added, “Do you want to come over next weekend and help me tinker with the old Chevy? No heavy conversations, just a beer and bullshit session with a friend?”
“I’d like that very much.” He smiled. “See you then… friend.”
I returned his smile. “Okay… friend.”
Turning away, I hesitated, then added, “John?”
“Yes?” His deep voice was very close behind me.
I turned to face him.
Reached up to trace the square contour of his jaw.
Let my hand drift around the back of his neck and pull his lips down to mine.
His arms closed around me, his embrace familiar but somehow different now.
After a sweet unhurried kiss, I pulled gently away.
He let me go, his eyes dark with hunger. “What…” His voice came out husky, and he cleared his throat. “Was that… ‘goodbye’? Or ‘hello’?”
I smiled. “It was ‘life is too damn short’. See you next weekend.”
Watch for Book 13, coming soon!