July seventh was a good day for a party. Sure, the warmer than average temperature might make it a little sticky in the sun, but the festivities wouldn’t get underway until early evening. I had high hopes it would be comfortable in the shaded area on the patio. Bright blue umbrellas were arranged in the garden adjacent to the restaurant and on the terrace. We’d planted lavender along the perimeter and climbing ivy on the walls and hung fairy lights liberally throughout the space. It would be a visual wonderland at nighttime. However, the restaurant’s interior was the true focal point.

La Vid was simply gorgeous, if I did say so myself. Not that I could take full credit by any means, but I’d thrown myself into my consultation project over the past few months. Details were my strong suit. I had an eye for color, proportion, and spatial harmony. I understood the importance of a wow factor like the gorgeous iron chandelier we’d purchased months ago at Elliot’s shop in the city. I’d commissioned him to make tiny star-shaped cutouts in the cylinder drum shade and the result was stunning. When the chandelier was illuminated, stars were strewn across the ceiling and walls. The effect was subtle but elegant, and it set the tone for the California Spanish-meets-wine country decor with tall wood-beamed ceilings, white walls, and pops of color in the blue and white tiles on the bar front.

I fussed with a stack of cocktail napkins then straightened the olive tree branches I’d arranged in a giant vase at the reception desk before glancing at my watch. We had ten minutes until showtime. I didn’t have any real responsibility here tonight. Levi had hired an excellent staff who were more than capable of handling the party. And that’s what this was…an event for one hundred and fifty guests to celebrate La Vid’s grand opening to the general public the following day. A trio was warming up on the terrace, the bar was ready for service, and the kitchen buzzed with activity as Rico and his team prepared a variety of culinary masterpieces in tapas form that would be featured on the menu.

I studied the listed cuisine selection. It was sharp, concise, and sophisticated yet reasonable. Perfect. I set the thick, oversized paper aside and whirled around when I felt a hand on my shoulder. And almost passed out at the sight of my extraordinarily handsome man.

“You look positively dashing, my love,” I whispered, admiring the cut of his lightweight navy suit jacket and his well-fitted trousers. My fingers itched to unbutton and maybe rebutton his white oxford shirt just to have an excuse to touch him. He was impossibly good-looking and seemingly calm and collected. Nothing turned me on quite like a man who oozed self-confidence.

Levi grinned. “So do you.”

I fluttered my eyelashes and thanked him demurely, which I thought was better than agreeing outright because yes, I did look damn good, if I said so myself. I wore a lavender plaid suit coat with white linen pants rolled at the hem and a plain white shirt. The pièces de résistance were my sparkly red shoes. I stuck my foot out and pointed at them.

“I’m wearing my red shoes for luck. Not that I think you’ll need it. Everything looks fabulous,” I gushed.

Levi nodded in agreement and picked up a menu. “Even the font. Are you sure this one isn’t too boring?”

“Monaco is never boring. It’s casually elegant, just like La Vid. I’m proud of you, Levi. You’ve done what you set out to do and more. You’ve turned a greasy spoon into an elite eatery in a fashionable part of Napa. Your family will be thrilled when they see what you’ve accomplished. It’s too bad they couldn’t fly out for the opening.”

He shrugged as though it was no big deal, but I knew he’d been disappointed. His stepfather wasn’t able to travel, and his mother wasn’t willing to leave him. He had a few random cousins twice removed or more who still lived in the area, but he hadn’t kept in contact with that side of his family anyway. His mom and sister were the only ones he’d wanted there, and I felt horrible when I found out his sister planned to come the following week. In other words, if I hadn’t asked him to change the date, she’d have been in town. By the time he’d told me that was the case, it was too late to switch it without great expense. And Levi insisted it didn’t matter anyway.

“You’re here. That’s all that matters.”

“I have to be here. I was in charge of the font,” I joked.

Levi smiled then glanced back at the kitchen. “Anything I should remember? Is there anyone I need to go out of my way to impress or—”

“Just be yourself. There will be a couple of local food bloggers, but they’re here for a sneak peek like everyone else. They won’t critique the food or the service until they’ve had the full dining experience. Tonight is supposed to be fun. Wes invited a ton of mutual friends from the city, and Nick invited his college buddies too. They’re sweet and scrumptious. You’ll love them all.”

“They sound like donuts,” he commented with a laugh. He sobered quickly and gave me a sharp look. “Hey, if I get anything wrong, let me know. I feel good about this, but the connections tonight are all yours and Wes’s and—well, thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome. I’m here if you need me. And Wes and Nick will be here any second with Ryan and Danny and Lauren. I told them to come a smidge early,” I said, nodding a distracted greeting at Kevin as he exited the kitchen.

Levi waved at his ex then turned back to me when he noticed the manager calling him over. “Alicia is looking for me. See you, babe.”

He pressed an absentminded kiss on my lips and stepped away just as Kevin approached.

Let’s be real; it was a careless albeit affectionate gesture. It wasn’t passionate, but it was very familiar. The equivalent of briefly holding a lover’s hand in public or squeezing it and letting go. It had a proprietary feel of a statement without words. It was that kiss on the back of the Vespa all over again. And Kevin noticed.

He watched Levi’s back as he retreated then swallowed hard and gave me a weak smile. “Everything looks great.”

“I agree. How is it going in the kitchen?”

“Great. We’re all set.”

“Wonderful. I can tell this isn’t your first rodeo. I hope the hassle of temporary relocation was worthwhile for you.”

“I worked with my sister when she was getting her kitchen up and running. It’s always crazy in the beginning. As far as relocating goes…I’m thinking of moving here or to the city.”

“Oh? That’s…good,” I said nonchalantly.

Kevin and I held eye contact for a long moment before he took a deep breath then swiped his hand over his mouth. “Are you seeing each other? You and Levi?”

“Yes.”

Blood drained from his face so quickly I thought he might pass out. “I thought so. I know it’s not my business, but I—never mind. I should get to work.”

I tugged Kevin’s elbow before he walked away. I could hear the strains of a violin from the terrace and the sound of laughter as Wes and Nick and a few of their friends approached. This wasn’t the time for a heart-to-heart, but the poor man looked devastated. I couldn’t leave it alone.

“What is it, Kevin?”

“Nothing. I’m surprised, that’s all. I shouldn’t be. I’ve seen how he looks at you and fuck knows, I can’t complain. I did this to myself but—I didn’t think you felt the same way about him. I heard about your partner, and I’m terribly sorry for your loss but everyone who’s mentioned it has made a point of saying he was the most amazing man they’d ever met and how much you loved him. And…look, I don’t want to get maudlin right now. This is a happy occasion. Levi’s worked his ass off for this. He deserves a chance to make a success of it.”

“Of course,” I said, ultra-aware of the tension emanating from him. He definitely had more to say, but I just wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it.

Kevin pursed his lips then blurted. “I needed to know he could do this on his own. I had to let him go, or he would have relied on me too much. I told him I wasn’t ready to come out but that wasn’t it. He had this crazy idea, and he expected me to stop everything and follow him and—”

“He expected you to believe in him,” I intercepted.

“And I did. I just needed him to start on his own, so I’d know he was serious. Then I was supposed to join him and…I didn’t plan on you. I figured he was pissed with me at first but now…fuck, I don’t think that’s it. He’s in love with you.”

The pain in his voice stopped me. Yes, I had a pretty good idea about how Levi felt about me, and I was sure I felt the same way, but casually bringing up Mike in the midst of his mini-outburst put me on guard.

Someone called my name. I spotted Ryan and Danny talking to Eric and Zane. Josh and Finn and Grant and Miles were behind them. I could hear them laughing at something Nick said. They were getting closer and the music was louder. I might have been standing in the middle of the room, but I felt cornered and claustrophobic and wary of Kevin’s emotional state. And mine.

“I don’t know if—”

“If you don’t know how you feel, let him go. If he’s a replacement for someone you lost, let him go,” he insisted.

“Like you did.”

Kevin bit the inside of his mouth, hollowing out his cheeks. It distorted his features and made him look haunted and unbearably sad. “Yes. But I came back for him.”

He didn’t have to say anything else. I suspected he was too polite to say what he really meant anyway. Just because your lover isn’t coming back doesn’t mean you can have mine. Yes, the sentiment was melancholy and selfish. Part of me knew better than to take offense or worse yet, wonder if he was correct. Unfortunately, he hit me in my weak spot and caught me at a vulnerable moment. We were about to be surrounded by over a hundred people, many of whom had known Mike personally or professionally. When Kevin held eye contact with me before turning back to the kitchen, I had a bad feeling my night was about to go downhill fast.

It did.

Clue number one, I drank too much and ate too little. The food looked fabulous, and everyone raved that it tasted amazing, but my appetite was long gone. I sipped Pinot instead and flitted about the room, immersing myself in my self-appointed role of co-host slash investor. I sang Levi’s praises to local bigwigs and spent time catching up with old friends too. Nick’s group of buddies and their partners had become some of my favorite people over the past few years. Nick, Eric, Zane, Josh, and Grant were all successful professionals in their midthirties who’d met at Stanford University. Well, Eric and Zane met in high school initially, but they’d become good friends in college and lovers afterward. They were the only married couple in the bunch, but Josh and Finn were engaged, and I’d bet Grant and Miles would be right behind them.

I brought my wineglass to my lips and clandestinely observed the eye candy. Zane was a California surfer turned professional sailor and with his longish dark blond hair and sun-kissed skin, he looked the part. Eric, on the other hand, was by his own admission, a geek. He and Nick had started their cyber security network firm out of college and had made a fortune over the past decade. Somehow Finn, Josh’s sexy Irish boyfriend, was involved in their business but I didn’t know a thing about cyber stuff. That was Mike’s thing. He—

Oh, fuck. Don’t go there. I took a gulp of wine and tuned in to Josh’s story about something funny his and Finn’s toddler had done.

“…she put her hands on the rails and hiked one leg over the top to make her great escape and the second I walked in, she ducked under her blanket like she was hiding. How cute was that, Finn?” Josh nudged his handsome partner’s side and quickly answered for him, “It was so fucking cute.”

Finn tousled Josh’s already wild hair and kissed his temple. “You’re a good daddy, Joshy.”

Josh beamed and then snaked his arm around his man. They shared a sappy smile that mimicked the goofy one Grant had on his face when Miles chimed in with his own story about the precocious toddler. Miles had a fabulous air about him. He had auburn hair, brilliant blue eyes, and a mischievous demeanor that was a perfect balance to his extraordinarily handsome former model turned real estate maestro boyfriend. Like I said…eye candy.

“The restaurant is stunning,” Eric commented. “Nick was telling us how much work you’d done. You should be proud, Geordie. It’s gorgeous.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

“That’s true, but the part Eric left out was Nick complaining about all the wine he’s had to help pour on his days off,” Zane interjected mischievously. “True or false, Nick?”

Eric scolded his husband while Nick shrugged and cast a weak apologetic look my way.

“Nicky, I’m shocked,” I lied. “You’re prodigious at the art of pouring Pinot. I put you on the schedule tomorrow for a twelve-hour shift. That won’t be a problem, will it?”

Nick rolled his eyes and then pounced on Josh when he slipped his wineglass from his fingers then handed it to Grant. I chuckled at their antics and stepped backward to avoid being jostled. Then I turned to scan the crowded room.

It was wall-to-wall people now. A mariachi band had taken over for the trio. The festive music added to the celebratory aura. I spotted Levi chatting with a well-known wine connoisseur and marveled at his poise and calm. He was a natural. He caught my stare and smiled, and some of the anxiety I’d carried since my run-in with Kevin faded. I wished we were alone, so it would fade away completely and that wasn’t like me.

I loved parties of any kind. Especially ones with live music, tapas, free alcohol and a forum to show off something gorgeous. Like this new restaurant. But this angst was making me feel itchy and out of sorts. Maybe I just needed fresh air. And food.

I grabbed a canapé from a waiter as I made my way outside. The fairy lights definitely lent a warm and inviting atmosphere to the space and on a pleasant summer evening, it was almost preferable to being indoors. I stopped to say hello to a few acquaintances then turned toward the bar setup at the far end of the courtyard and bumped into a wall of a man. He paused to apologize and immediately froze.

“There you are.”

Oh, God. Why was he here? This was like that day with Elliot in the city all over again. Only worse. So much worse.

“Hello, Marshall. How are you?”

I plastered a smile on my face and willed myself to stay in the moment. No time traveling, no sorrow. It was a beautiful night, and this was a lovely party. I wouldn’t go back there. Not now. I cleared my throat, but he was talking again.

“I’m all right. It’s a lovely night in wine country. I can’t complain. I hoped I’d bump into you. Wes told me you were doing well. I’ve been meaning to check on you for a while. To see how you’ve been,” he replied. His bushy dark eyebrows knit with concern, adding another layer of solemnity to his expression.

Wes was so much better at dealing with people like Marshall than me. I bet Levi was too, I mused, glancing hopefully toward the restaurant.

“I’m doing very well. Thank you.”

“Good.” He nodded as though he understood but I could tell he wasn’t with me. His faraway look indicated he was thinking of the past, and he wanted to take me for a ride. No, thank you. I had to pass him along to Wes. Stat.

“Did you see Wes?”

“Yes. He introduced me to Nick. They make a handsome couple.”

“They do. They’re deliriously happy.”

“He introduced me to your new friend too…Levi.” The quirked eyebrow and knowing look made it clear he suspected we were more than friends, but I didn’t dare ask who told him. I just needed to get away from him as quickly as possible.

“That’s nice. Let’s go inside and—”

Marshall pulled at my elbow and shook his head. “It’s a tad noisy inside. Can I talk to you for a moment?”

No! I screamed in my head. No talking. No.

But of course, I allowed myself to be led to a quiet corner under a newly planted olive tree. We’d had a wide, circular bench built around the perimeter. I took a seat and glanced sideways at the large man beside me. Marshall was a six-foot-three bear of a man in his midsixties. Other than white hair and a few more wrinkles, he looked the same to me as he had when Mike introduced us fourteen years ago.

I stopped the memory before it started and marveled instead at the contrast of Marshall’s dark eyebrows with his hair. He could play a convincing mobster. He had the craggy-faced look of someone who’d been around the block a few times. One would never know from looking at him that he was a world-renowned heart surgeon. He’d been a very dear friend of Mike’s. An important person to my very important person, and in spite of the fact that I knew he didn’t care for me, he deserved my respect.

So I inclined my head and whispered, “What is it, Marshall?”

“I think about him all the time. It’ll be four years next week, and I suppose the upcoming anniversary has set my mind into overdrive. I’d like to host a memorial service in Mike’s honor next weekend. We haven’t talked much recently, but I wondered if you’d be interested in being part of it.”

“No,” I replied immediately.

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve learned that the fourteenth is a bad day for me. Perhaps another day or—”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?”

I narrowed my gaze and scooted a few inches away from him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Marshall gave me a disgusted look and huffed. “That man loved you. The least you can do is honor him in death after what he’s given you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Mike threw everything away for an effeminate diva without a dime in his pocket. He gave up his career and Wes and maybe a portion of his sanity to make you queen of the fucking grapes. I can’t believe anyone buys your poor widow act. I see right through you. I always did. I tried to warn him, but you cast a pretty strong spell. He wouldn’t listen to reason, and I’m damn sure it’s why he’s dead.”

I gasped in outrage. “I didn’t kill him.”

“Oh, but you did. If it hadn’t been for you, he’d still be here and you fucking know it!”

“No! No. That’s not true. I didn’t… I couldn’t… I couldn’t make him do anything.”

“Liar,” he spat angrily. “He would have pulled stars from the sky to make you happy. I hope you enjoy the things he gave you and the life he made possible for you. Think about him while you’re funding your new lover’s business, will ya? That is, if you remember to think about him at all.”

“Fuck you.”

His nostrils flared as he inched into my space and snarled. “I wouldn’t touch you if you were the last man on the fucking planet. You’re poison, Jorge De La Rosa.” He drew my given name out as though it was a distasteful word he’d rather not repeat. Then he stood abruptly and moved toward the restaurant.

I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath as I sat with my back against the tree, praying no one would come looking for me. My heart and my head pounded in unison, but the beat was all wrong. I felt sick to my stomach, like I’d been kicked in the gut repeatedly and left on the side of the road.

Jesus, I’d forgotten how much Marshall hated me. He always had. I’d laughed it off with ease before Mike died. I wished I could do the same now. Moreover, I wished I didn’t agree with that bastard. Even just a little bit. I was selfish. I came from nothing and I wanted everything. Freedom, opportunity, money in the bank. I had more than I ever dreamed, but I hadn’t earned it. Everything I owned was a gift. One I could never repay.

But it didn’t matter how wounded or raw I felt at the moment. I was needed here. I had to pull my armor on before I attempted conversation. And if possible, avoid anyone who knew me well until I gathered my wits about me. Ryan and Wes would know something was wrong immediately and Levi…he would too. Escape wasn’t an option. I had to hang on until I could fade away.

Three hours later, I pleaded exhaustion and got a ride home with Wes and Nick. It was well after midnight. The evening had been a grand success but of course, the real work would begin tomorrow. Levi stayed to turn off the lights and lock the doors. I wondered if Kevin had hung around to help. Perhaps there was something symbolic in the staying and going. The pulling away and pushing into place.

I wasn’t capable of deep thoughts in my current condition. I required the path of least resistance with minimal conversation and zero confrontation. So when Levi told me he’d come over as soon as he was done for the night, I nodded in acquiescence. He knew where I kept my spare key and he knew the security codes. I couldn’t dissuade him without explanation, and I didn’t have it in me to try.

I crawled into bed, secured the blankets over my head, and silently tortured myself with a four-year-old memory until the Xanax finished me off and pulled me under.

Unbelievably, I awoke at dawn. I watched Levi sleeping beside me for a moment. I memorized his profile and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. I pressed a kiss to my fingers and set it to his pillow before carefully sliding out of bed. I dressed in black, made coffee, took two Advil, and opened the front door.

Sunlight glittered against the fine layer of mist clinging to the grapevines on the hillside above and below me. The quiet and natural beauty of this area was surreal. I lived in a painting, I thought as I started for the porch steps. A wave of nausea hit me like a truck. My liquid diet from the previous evening was catching up with me. I needed bread or a Big Mac. Or just a place to rest for a moment. I perched on the porch step and tried to collect my thoughts.

Kevin and his sadness. Marshall and his—no. I wasn’t ready to think about him. I sipped my coffee and refocused on the day ahead. The party was fabulous. La Vid would be busy today. Nick’s friends would be here all day. I should plan dinner. I should—

Nope. It was no use. I couldn’t stop thinking about Marshall and his ugly accusations and…Mike.

I closed my eyes and let the guilt and sadness wash over me until it covered me like a heavy cloak I couldn’t shake. At some point it would smother me. There had to be a law of gravity associated with grief and—

“Hey. There you are. What are you doing out here?”

“Drinking coffee, nursing a hangover. The usual,” I replied, turning toward the sound of Levi’s voice.

He wore a pair of basketball shorts and nothing else and in his sleepy state, he was more beautiful to me than ever. I scooted closer to him when he sat beside me and then handed over the mug. He took a long drink then gave me a sideways once-over.

“You’re wearing black and drinking black coffee from a black mug on a beautiful day. Something’s up.”

I furrowed my brow. “I always drink black coffee.”

He handed the mug back and shifted to look at me. “True. I can’t decide if you look like a vampire testing the light or a crow.”

“I am not a crow,” I said haughtily as I leaned against him. “I’d rather be a raven.”

“You’re a peacock,” he countered with a laugh. “Why are you wearing black?”

“It’s just a color, darling.”

Levi gave me a sharp look, letting me know the caffeine was kicking in, he was waking up, and he was on to me. I rarely called him darling now. The slip wasn’t intentional, but it certainly indicated something was on my mind.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked softly.

I handed the mug to him again and rested my elbows on my knees. “This and that. The party was wonderful.”

“Thanks to you.”

I gave him a wan smile. “Are you ready for your first day of business?”

“I am.”

“Good. I’ll be sure to send all of our customers at Conrad your way.”

“Thanks. When are you coming by? We’ll open this afternoon at—”

“I can’t come,” I said.

Levi cocked his head then reached out to run his fingers through my hair. “What’s going on, Geord?”

I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t have the words. No…that wasn’t it. I was afraid of the words I did have. We sat in a strained silence that grew with every passing second. The weight of it was crushing. I couldn’t move around it. Perhaps this would hurt less if I stayed still.

“Geordie…” he prodded.

“I have to let you go,” I whispered.

Levi pursed his lips and sucked in a breath like he’d been sucker-punched. I stared straight ahead and waited for him to speak.

“Baby, you’re gonna have to talk to me. I don’t know what you’re trying to say. Is this about Kevin or—?”

“No. Maybe a little but no.”

Levi let out an exasperated sigh. “What happened, Geordie?”

Silence. I hoped I could let it do the talking for me but when he let it go on, I caved. “He loves you, Levi. He wants another chance, and I think you should give him one.”

He scoffed and widened his eyes comically. “What the fuck?”

“You heard me.”

“I did, and you make zero sense. I’m not buying it.”

I stood abruptly and paced on the swath of gravel in front of the steps. “Of course it makes sense. Kevin saw you kiss me, it upset him, and we talked. He admitted he followed you to Napa to get you back. He wasn’t ready before, but he’s busted out of the closet, found his inner-queen, and is runway-ready for take two. He’s willing to move here, start over, and live a happy homo existence with you.”

“And you’re fine with that?”

“No, I want to gouge his eyes out, but that’s not a good reason to keep you from your forever love,” I said emphatically.

Levi smacked his palm against his forehead then drained the rest of the coffee and shook his head. “There is not enough caffeine in the world for this. First of all, Kevin is not my forever love. He wasn’t my forever anything. We outgrew each other, and there’s no going back. We fit a role in each other’s lives for a short time. That’s all.”

“Like us.”

He sighed heavily and regarded me for a moment before speaking. “I don’t love Kevin, and I don’t want to get back together with him, so let’s cut the bullshit. You’re a generous guy, but sharing a boyfriend isn’t your style any more than it’s mine so—”

“But you are sharing me with someone else. How is that fair?”

That stopped him. He looked like I’d slapped him.

“Is that what’s happening?” he asked softly.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” I replied in a ragged tone. “I’m afraid I’ve forgotten myself. I’ve forgotten my place and my sorrow, and it felt so fucking good. But I can’t have it.”

“Can’t have what?”

“You. I can’t have you.” I swiped at my nose and looked at the ground before glancing at him again. “I want you so bad. I love having you near me. I love when you walk into a room. I love the way you smell and the way you laugh but…I can’t love you. I can’t. I gave it all away once before. There’s nothing left. I’m empty.”

“Geordie,” he whispered. “You aren’t empty. You—”

“I don’t think you really see me.” I sniffed and then gritted my teeth, hoping it would keep my tears at bay. “I’m like a bird with broken wings. I look okay on the outside, but on the inside I’m a fucking mess. In one breath I can convince you I’m on top of the world and completely in control. The truth is, I’m a bottomless well of emptiness and nothing like the person you deserve. You’re a young man with a new lease on life. And I’m an old queen rotting in a field of grapes like a fucking raisin. I talk to ghosts, Levi. I practically am a ghost!”

“That’s not true. And this isn’t about Kevin, and I don’t think it’s about Mike either. What the hell happened last night?”

“Why do you think something happened?” I countered.

“Because I know you.”

I was quiet for a long moment before reclaiming my spot next to Levi on the porch step. “Marshall was there.”

“Who’s Marshall again?”

“Mike’s cardiologist. And friend. He hates me. He thinks I’m a ridiculous gold digger from the wrong side of the tracks.”

“He sounds like an asshole.”

“Well, he did get two out of three right. I am ridiculous, and I’m definitely from the wrong side of the tracks.”

“Stop it. He doesn’t know you.”

“You’re right. Mike was the first person who ever bothered trying to figure me out. I didn’t fool him. He saw right through me and he still…” I wiped at the tears gathering at the corner of my eye. “He still wanted me. He’d say silly things like, ‘You’re a beautiful, rare bird. A Geordie Bird.’ ”

“So that’s where Birdie comes from, huh?” Levi asked, stroking my ear then rubbing the back of my neck.

“He had a million lines like that. He’d say I could be the queen of his castle. He’d give me a home on a hill in the most beautiful city in the world. He’d build me an empire of grapes, so I never ran out of wine to drink.” I smiled at the faraway memory. “I was lucky to know him. And then I was lost without him. Utterly lost. The grief and guilt were—”

“Guilt? Why would you feel guilty?”

I didn’t speak at first. Not until the weight of words left unsaid felt heavier than the silence.

“I killed him.”

“Excuse me?”

“It was my fault he missed his appointment with Marshall. He stayed here to help host a party. But the party never happened. He died that morning in his sleep. Cardiac arrest. According to the good doctor, I killed him. And he’s probably right.”

“Jesus, Geord.”

I looked over at Levi and pulled my arms around my knees. “The week he died…he complained about chest pains. He called Marshall, who insisted that Mike drop everything and head to the city for an exam. He set an appointment to go the next morning but then postponed it for the following week when I said…”

“What did you say?” he prodded.

“I said we needed him here,” I choked. “In my defense, he said he was feeling one hundred percent better when he asked for my opinion. ‘What do you want me to do, Birdie? Should I stay, or I should I go?’ I might have saved his life if I’d made the correct choice. That was my fork in the road. Stay or go. I said ‘stay’ and he died. If he’d kept his appointment, he might still be here. Of course, then you wouldn’t be here, and that kills me all over again. What does that say about me? Marshall’s right. I’m a selfish bastard. I take and I take and I’m not sure what I’m giving back.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“No. I can’t be sure anymore. I wonder if I’m desensitized. I woke up next to a dead man and…I died too. Inside, anyway. Maybe instead of the quick death I’d hoped for, I’m slowly dying and I’m pulling good people down with me. You should be careful what you ask for when you say you want forever. Always read the fine print, Levi. This is my new forever. I’m just a number at the DMV. F 23.”

“Actually that was my number.”

“Huh?”

“You were F 22. I was F 23. We’re going together.”

“But we might not. Don’t you get it?”

“Of course I get it! There are no guarantees. You got robbed and you lost someone you loved and I’m sorry. But baby…you aren’t alone.” Levi stood slowly then offered me his hand. He turned my palms over then kissed each one and then let go. “You aren’t a quitter. You didn’t kill him. And you aren’t responsible for his death. Stop punishing yourself. Your biggest weakness is also your greatest strength. When you love, you don’t let go.

“You’ve been in my head since the day I first saw you. You’re wild and temperamental one minute then sweet and funny and sassy the next, and I know I’m in over my head. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep up with you ’cause there’s something in you that makes me believe anything is possible. The thing is… I know my limits. I can’t fight a dead man.”

Silence. Neither of us knew how to touch that, but it was up to me to try.

“What happens now?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Will we be fr-friends?” I sniffed, hating the sound of that word the second it left my mouth.

“Friends. Fuck, I don’t know if I can do that.” He brushed his hand through his hair and looked away from me as though he needed a moment to get his emotions under control. He turned back to me with a crooked smile that broke my heart. “I’m not asking you to forget your past. I’d never ask you to forget Mike. Ever. All I want is to know if there’s room for me too.”

“I can’t ask you to wait for me.”

Levi huffed incredulously. “Don’t you get it? I don’t have a choice. You’re the other part of me, Geord. I love you.”

My breath hitched audibly. “Levi…”

“Shh. I love you. And I’ll wait forever if I have to. You’re it for me. My sun, my moon…you’re mine.” He swiped at his eyes and swallowed hard. “But I won’t pressure you. I’ll set you free.”

“What do you mean?”

“You need space. To think, to grieve…to just be. I’m not going anywhere. You know where to find me. If it’s a day or week or a year or ten years from now…I’ll be here. And I’ll know when you come back to me that you’re ready to begin again. I can wait.”

Levi rubbed my tears away with his thumbs and then gathered me close and rocked me from side to side. He pulled back slightly; then he kissed me tenderly and turned away.

I stared after him for a long moment, unsure of what to do. My chest was heavy and I wasn’t sure my feet would move. So I sat and waited.

Levi appeared in the doorway a few minutes later wearing a worn concert tee, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. He slung a backpack over his shoulder and adjusted his black helmet under his arm then moved down the short set of stairs to the pink scooter parked nearby.

“By the way, I brushed up on my Streisand trivia and forgot to impress you. She released her biggest hit, ‘The Way We Were’ right before you were born.” He set his helmet on his head and fastened it then straddled the Vespa and turned on the engine. “You hate that song.”

My lips trembled when I replied. “It’s too sad.”

“I know. I get it. At the end of the day, you’re like everyone else, baby. You just want to be happy.”

He gave me a heartbreakingly poignant look before steering the scooter down the gravel path toward the winery.

And that was when I officially broke.

I made it inside, closed the door, moved into the living room, and crashed face-first onto the sofa…and fell apart. I didn’t cry. I unraveled quietly. I pulled a throw blanket over my head and let the void swallow me slowly. It climbed inside me and spread through my veins, leaving me with a heavy, hollow feeling of absolute…nothingness.