The sun peeked through the fluffy clouds the following morning, casting a golden light over the deserted park. A fine sheen of dew covered the benches surrounding the grandiose fountain in the middle of the square and dripped from the regal oak trees onto the nearby picnic benches and barbeques. It was early still but it looked like it was going to be a beautiful spring day, which meant we wouldn’t have the park to ourselves for long. I balanced the to-go tray of goodies in my left hand and sipped my coffee while Levi wiped down the bench with a few of the napkins I’d picked up at Starbucks.

“You missed a spot,” I teased.

“No, I didn’t.” He frowned, staring at the bench.

“Right there, see?” I pointed at an imaginary patch of moisture on the wood slats.

“That’s just a reflection but here…” he sat down and wiggled his ass then slid over and opened his arm with a flourish. “All better, your royal highness.”

I smiled at his lighthearted grumbling then took a seat and handed the tray to him. “I didn’t know if you’d eaten, so I brought some pastries from the bakery next to the coffee shop. Croissants and bear claws. Help yourself.”

“Thanks.”

I studied Levi’s profile as he picked up his coffee and cradled it between his hands for warmth. He looked casually masculine in his leather jacket, worn 501s, and Timberland boots. His dark hair was slightly messy, as though he’d raked his fingers through it. We make an odd pair for sure, I thought. Except for the lime-green tassels on my mustard-yellow loafers, I was dressed from head to toe in my ubiquitous black. I probably looked like an uptight caretaker with an inexplicable whimsical side who’d befriended the local gym coach. Close enough.

I sipped my coffee and glanced at the pigeons hopping around the empty bench adjacent to ours. “That’s where the bird man sits.”

“Who?” Levi turned to give me the “What the fuck?” look I deserved.

I let out a half laugh and shifted slightly to face him. “There’s an old man in town who comes here to feed the birds and squirrels. I’m not here often but when I do come, I try to sit as far from him as possible. He’s a fearless warrior for park critters. I kid you not—I saw him lure a squirrel up his arm and let him perch on his shoulder.” I shivered in distaste then continued with a sigh. “I’ve placed Ryan in charge of making sure I don’t succumb to the same fate.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about. You’d make a terrible human bird feeder,” Levi huffed. “You never sit still for long. Where’d that come from anyway? Are you suffering from caffeine deficiency, or are you trying to break the ice before you tell me last night was a mistake?”

“Hmph. I think it’s caffeine, but it might be both. I don’t know.”

“Drink your coffee and relax for a minute then. How’d you sleep?” he asked conversationally.

“Fine. You?”

“Fine. But I wished I was with you.”

“Levi…”

“To make sure you were okay,” he added quickly. He paused for a moment and tapped the side of his cup. “I’m not gonna lie, Geord. I want to do…stuff with you.”

I gave him a lopsided smile. “Stuff?”

“Yeah. I like being with you. Near you. You light up a room the second you walk in, and you make people…happy. Just sitting here now feels kind of amazing. And I don’t get it. It’s cold and damp and the sun can’t decide if it’s going to make an appearance or not, but I like this. I’ve got to figure out how to convince you to stick around.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Levi. And I like you too but—”

He put his hand up to stop my speech. “It’s okay. Don’t break my heart.”

I snickered at his theatrical sigh. “I had no idea you had a flair for drama.”

“I don’t have a flair for anything in particular. I’m relatively boring.”

“You’re not boring,” I said in a placating tone.

“Look, when I played baseball I—”

“Oh, dear. That is boring,” I teased playfully.

Levi shot a faux-irritated glance at me then leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Ha ha. The one thing I learned from my sport was to pay attention. There’s plenty of opportunity to let your thoughts wander when you’re standing on third base waiting for the pitcher to decide if he’s throwing a slider or a curve ball. He controls a piece of the action. The batter controls the other piece. Me? I can’t do a thing until that ball goes into play.”

“Darling, I’m losing the will to live.” I closed my eyes and slumped onto the bench lifelessly.

Levi chuckled. “My point is…I am practiced at the art of patience. You like me. I like you. I want to know you and spend time with you, and if we’re being totally honest here…I loved what we did last night, and I want to do it again. I guess I need to know if you feel the same way. And I really hate that I sound like a high school kid with a crush.”

I smiled. “I feel the same way, Levi, but I—”

“Good. Then tell me what I’m up against. Tell me about him.”

I cocked my head in confusion and mulled over his request for a moment, unsure if I’d heard him correctly. “I don’t understand. What do you want to know?”

“Whatever you want to share. His name was Mike, right?”

“Levi, I can’t—”

“What did he look like? Where did you meet? What was his favorite color and his favorite thing to do? Was he funny? Did he like show tunes or sports? Just…talk.”

His urgent tone unnerved me slightly. Or maybe it was the topic. No one ever asked me those kinds of questions. I supposed it was because they’d either known Mike well, or they were afraid to upset me. I wasn’t upset though. I was…puzzled.

“But why?”

“Humor me, Geord. Go on. Tell me something. Anything.”

I lifted my to-go cup to my lips and then propped my elbow on the back of the bench and nodded.

“Okay. Um, he laughed a lot. All the time actually. He had a thing for silly one-liners, Mel Brooks films, and…me.” I choked over that last word then cleared my throat and continued. “What else? Uh, Mike loved to eat. He wasn’t picky, but he adored my enchiladas. He’d beg me to make them once a week. It became a joke between us. Every Monday I’d ask what he wanted for dinner, and he’d say the same thing and for whatever reason, we thought it was hysterical. Ryan and Wes would roll their eyes, but we didn’t care. We were peculiar, I suppose. An odd couple. Everyone said so. I’m tall and skinny with dark hair and olive skin, and Mike was easily four inches shorter with gray hair, blue eyes, and a potbelly. He was older than me.”

“How much older?”

“Seventeen years. And no, it wasn’t a daddy thing,” I scoffed. “I know that seems like a big gap, but it worked for us.”

“Hmm. Where did you meet?”

“At a bar in the Castro. I was out with some friends and…” I smiled wistfully when a rogue memory hit me with enough force that I could have sworn I smelled my dead lover’s cologne. For once, it didn’t make me sad. “I don’t know why I said hello to him that night. Sometimes, I try to relive that moment and figure out what drew me to him. He looked so…straight. All buttoned up and business-y. And I was a fierce gay man on the prowl, decked out for a night on the town. I wore a gold mesh top and tight jeans and high-heeled boots. I positively towered over him.”

I let out a short laugh and bit the inside of my cheek. “I thought he’d take one look at me and run, but he didn’t. He stayed. We talked for hours. He offered to take me home when the bar closed and when I declined, he called a cab for me and waited for the driver to arrive. He paid the fare up front and handed me his business card with his personal number on the back. I wasn’t going to call him. In fact, I remember thinking I’d leave the card in the back seat.”

“What changed your mind?”

“He held the door open for me,” I replied with a silly grin. “Isn’t that funny? I’d had plenty of gentlemen attempt to impress me with the sizes of their bank accounts and their nine-inch cocks, but they rarely wasted time with gallantry. I was in awe of the gesture.”

“And he was in awe of you?” Levi asked.

“Yes, I think that’s fair to say. He’d led a very hetero-style gay life in the closet before me. He’d just broken up with Wes and—”

“Wes?”

I nodded. “Mmmhmm. They were business partners and secret lovers for years before I came along. I wasn’t the reason they didn’t make it but…well, that’s another story. We were both newly unattached, but I certainly wasn’t interested in taking on a closet case.”

“Did you give him an ultimatum or something?”

“Oh, how gauche! I would never do that. Everyone must come to their own rainbow realization in their own time. I would never try to influence a decision like that. It’s too personal. Mike was forty-seven at the time. I thought it was unlikely that he’d announce his homo-dom. But he did it almost immediately.”

“Because he wanted to be with you,” Levi said softly.

“Yes.”

“Sounds like a smart guy. A lucky one too.”

“I was the lucky one,” I whispered. “I didn’t know it right away. I was cautious but kind. I liked him, but I didn’t think he’d be my forever person. In the beginning, I liked his attention. I loved the way he looked at me. The way he smiled when he said my name. It didn’t take long before I craved that smile. I wanted to be close to him because making him happy made me feel…whole. Complete.”

“I’m sorry, Geord.” Levi handed me a napkin then rubbed my shoulder sweetly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset.” Tears welled in my eyes unchecked. I blew my nose and shook my head then blurted, “Blue.”

“What’s blue?”

“Mike’s favorite color was blue. He loved sports. The Giants, 49ers, and Warriors were his teams. I’m sure you know which team goes with which sport, but I could never keep it straight. He thought that was hysterical. He loved food and wine and travel. He was the world’s best audience. He’d cry at a sad song and laugh at any joke I told, whether it was funny or not. He was my best friend, my champion, my lover and honestly, the best human being I’ve ever known. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I always will.” I paused to wipe moisture at the corner of my eye before continuing. “And the day he died, a piece of me died too. I think that’s the part you should know.”

“But you’re alive, Geordie. You’re so fucking alive. You’re vibrant and beautiful and—”

“But I’m not whole anymore. I never will be again. I have nothing of substance to offer you, Levi. Nothing. I’m not sorry about last night. It was really…amazing. But I’m never going to be who you need.”

He looked like he was going to argue, but he paused instead and knit his brow. “Wait. What about my font?”

“Your what?”

“You promised to help me steer clear of Times New Roman and—” he gave me a faux-dirty look then let out a chuckle when I threw my head back and guffawed. “Fuck, you have a great laugh.”

He was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I swiped at my tears with the napkin then tossed it at his chest. “I should have known this was all about the font.”

“I told you—I’m shallow like that. Come here.” Levi patted the space between us on the bench.

“Where?”

“Just…slide closer and lean on me. Let me hold you for a second. No funny business unless you want it.”

I readily obeyed. I felt too vulnerable and emotionally raw to put up a fight and frankly, I needed a hug.

“Thank you.”

“For what? Making you cry?” he huffed.

“No. For asking about Mike. I don’t talk about him often. Everyone was so careful around me after it happened. They were dealing with their own pain too. We’re a bit of an oddball family at the winery. Losing him affected all of us. Ryan lost his mentor. Wes lost his best friend and business partner. We were all devastated. It’ll be four years this summer, and time has helped to some degree, but I’m not the same person I was before.”

“But you’re not less now, Geord. If anything, you’re probably stronger than ever.”

“Well, thank you, but I’m a mess.”

Levi craned his neck to give me a once-over. He rubbed his thumb under my eye then kissed my cheek. “Your mascara is a little messy, but otherwise you look pretty fabulous to me.”

“Of course I look fabulous. I just don’t always feel fabulous. I fake it well.”

“Were you faking it last night?”

I sat up quickly and shook my head. “No. I loved it. Everything about it. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after you left last night or when I woke up this morning, but I felt…incredible. No regrets.”

“Then let’s do it again,” he said nonchalantly.

I busted up laughing. “What exactly do you mean by ‘it’? Scooter rides in town, coming out announcements at various local establishments, or blowjobs in my guest bedroom?”

“Yes, no, yes.”

I held his gaze for a long moment before speaking. “How do we do this?”

Levi brushed my hair from my eyes and let out a rush of air. “We just take it one day at a time. You can help me with the design details for the restaurant, and I’ll let you ride my scooter. We don’t have to make it into a big deal. I don’t want to crowd you or push you. I’m willing to follow your lead.”

I swallowed hard and considered his words. “Why?”

“ ’Cause I like you. I feel clearheaded when I’m with you. It’s kind of like I was driving with a dirty windshield on a winding mountain hillside. I can see the road now, and I know where I’m going, and I’ve got this feeling that if I stick close to you, I’ll remember my purpose too.”

“So I’m like Windex?” I snarked without heat.

Levi chortled merrily and then squeezed me against his side before showering me with playful kisses. “Yes! Exactly!”

My laughter turned into a dreamy sigh when he licked my lips and slipped his tongue inside. We made out in broad daylight on the park bench for a few minutes; then I laid my head on his shoulder and laced our fingers.

“What are you doing today?” he asked.

“I’m needed at the winery by noon. Why? What did you have in mind?”

“I have a few ideas. We could go to breakfast and rate the menu and font style, or we could ride the Vespa out to the neighboring wineries or…we could take these croissants and bear claws back to your place and roll around naked for awhile,” he suggested matter-of-factly.

“Gee, I don’t think anyone’s ever asked if I wanted to roll around in croissant flakes before,” I snickered, snuggling closer to him still.

“It can get a little messy, but I doubt you’ll notice when I’m sucking your dick.”

“Hmm. A nasty streak. I approve.” I sat up and waggled my brow lasciviously.

Levi tipped back the last of his coffee and stood.

The devilish glint in his eyes paired with that sexy dimple may have been my undoing. Or perhaps it was the seamless way he navigated my emotional baggage with humor and kindness. I admired him for not ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room. Sure, I wondered why anyone in his right mind would bother with me. I was a high-maintenance diva who’d been teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown for years with a stiff upper lip and a handful of Xanax. I was a young gay man’s worst nightmare. A frightening glimpse into the future. Okay…not true. I was still pretty damn fabulous, if I did say so myself. For whatever reason, he was interested in me, and that appealed to my considerable vanity more than I could say.

As long as we both remembered this wasn’t a forever thing, we might actually be good together for a short time.

Sex was the best gift humans had been granted. I could never understand anyone who claimed sex was overrated or simply not a priority in their lives. I loved sex. I always had. And I firmly believed that if one didn’t have a partner then porn, vibrators, and dildos were perfectly viable options. I hadn’t had the partner-variety sex for so long that the very idea of being with a sexy, virile gay man was a dream come true.

The weeks after our Sunday chat in the park marked the beginning of a slow thaw and a reawakening of sorts. Our plans to enter a limited partnership contract gave me an excuse to spend time with Levi and test my readiness. I couldn’t deny that I wanted him, but it was difficult to give myself permission. One moment I thought an innocent affair was a healthy option and the next I was paralyzed by guilt. I began every morning dutifully visiting my garden shrine to Mike, sipping coffee and giving my dead lover a synopsis of everything going on in my head while I stared at the stone angel’s feathery wings.

Except I never mentioned Levi by name. I couldn’t share what I didn’t understand. Whatever Levi and I were doing felt incredible. Yet somehow selfish too. I assumed Mike watched over me and that he knew exactly what I was up to, but if I didn’t voice my feelings, they couldn’t be held against me. By me. See? The conflict was real. For now, it was crucial to keep my mental headspace as organized as possible. Mike was my foundation and my touchstone. He permeated every piece of my life in death the way he had in life. But Levi’s presence added a new element I couldn’t ignore.

Every morning I pressed a kiss on the angel’s feet before heading up the gravel path to the winery, where I spent most of my day pouring wine and entertaining customers. And thinking about Levi. We set up daily meetings to go over menus, recipes, and a slew of ideas for the restaurant. Sometimes Wes joined us, but he was swamped with other projects, and choosing paint colors and perusing lighting options weren’t his strong suits. So Wes handled the lawyers, and I handled Levi.

We met every day after the winery closed. By unspoken agreement, we’d start our “meetings” in a public space like the lounge area or the bar. We’d eventually make our way to my office to continue our “research” on my computer. Then I’d lock the door and brace myself against it while Levi licked a path along my neck as he unbuckled my belt and freed my aching dick from my briefs and trousers. The fever built steadily as we kicked our clothes and shoes aside in a desperate quest for skin. I couldn’t wait to touch him, taste him. I’d sink to my knees so fast, I had to hold on to Levi’s muscular thighs to keep from falling over. Then I’d look up at him as I stroked his gorgeous cock before swallowing as much of him as I could at once.

I was a genius at very few things, but blowjobs were one of them. Nothing turned me on faster than making a lover lose control. I loved it when Levi pulled my hair and whispered nasty commentary praising my mad fellatio skills. Of course, I also loved it when he pushed me backward on my desk or onto the bed in my guest room and did the same to me. He was rough but somehow gentle too. And the man had extraordinary self-control. Hand jobs and blowjobs and frenetic humping and grinding were all well and good, but within a couple of weeks, we both wanted more.

The problem with getting older was that I’d developed a conscience. The more I wanted Levi, the more I wondered if I was doing the right thing. And signing that damned contract solidified our business relationship, which messed with my head in a whole other way. It was decidedly unprofessional to salivate at the way Levi’s worn denim fabric hugged his crotch or to notice the way his biceps flexed when he gestured at the plans lying over the bar. I licked my lips hungrily and tried to remain focused. But when he stabbed at a series of circles on the paperwork, all I could think was, Those fingers were in my ass twenty minutes ago.

I was still shaky and lightheaded from that orgasm. Thank God the winery was closed for the night. My ability to follow coherent conversation had taken a hit. I wanted to wrap this meeting up, so we could go back to my place and do it again. In bed this time.

“…not sure if that seems high for the lighting budget, though.”

“What do you think, Geordie?” Wes asked.

“Yes, it’s a good idea.” I blinked then scrambled to sit taller on my barstool.

Wes cocked his head and squinted suspiciously. “What’s a good idea?”

“Um…the thing. The lighting thing.”

“Right. Didn’t you work with a lighting designer friend in the city when we were doing the renovations here? I remember being dragged to a showroom to admire the ironwork in that chandelier,” Wes teased, pointing at the giant spherical centerpiece above.

“It is perfect, smartass, and you know it. Everyone loves that chandelier. I personally believe it’s smart to have a showstopper conversation piece that draws a customer’s attention and makes them pause and take a good look at their surroundings. It’s step one in creating an experience. There are plenty of wineries and restaurants in this valley. Our goal is to be the one people remember.”

“From a chandelier?” Levi asked dubiously.

“Well, yes. Excellent food and wine certainly help but make no mistake, lighting is crucial. It sets the mood. It accentuates the positive and downplays negatives.” I hopped off my stool and spun in a circle under the chandelier with my arms open wide. “When you walk into this room, that gorgeous orb is the first thing you notice. It’s elegant and bold and beautiful. Perception is the key. If you can get someone to believe in magic, you’ve got yourself an audience!”

Levi joined me under the chandelier. He shoved his hands into his back pockets and gazed up at the impossibly high ceiling in wonder. “So this is a magic chandelier?”

“Ha. Ha.” I cast a perturbed glare at Wes when he chuckled at Levi’s awed expression. “In a way, that’s exactly what it is. Ignore Wes, darling. He’s a beast. What do you see when you look at it?”

“Um…well. Don’t get mad but, I’ve never really noticed it before,” Levi admitted with a wince.

“Oh, boy. It was nice knowing you, Levi.” Wes shook his head mournfully then pulled out his phone.

I narrowed my eyes and motioned toward the ginormous fixture above us. My bracelets jangled and echoed in the cavernous space. “How could you miss it? That thing is fucking huge!”

“Don’t take it so hard. I just noticed other things first. Like uh…the barstools and those cool tables with the barrel tops.”

“That’s almost comical,” I deadpanned.

“In my defense, there’s always a lot going on in here, and I usually don’t look up.”

I gaped at him with my mouth open wide and then did what all rational people do when they’re at a loss for words. I crumpled on the stone floor in a dramatic heap. I closed my eyes and let my arms and legs go limp, so I probably looked like a body in relief in a taped-off crime scene.

“What’s he doing?” Levi asked.

“He’s being Geordie,” Wes replied.

I opened my eyes wide enough to get a peek of them standing above me. Wes on his cell and Levi rubbing his stubbled jaw thoughtfully.

“Does he do this often?”

“Not daily but yeah…often enough. He’s big on exclamation point moments. Grand entrances and exits and collapsing midsentence kind of moments. Totally normal. Nick’s on his way home. I’m going to order a pizza. Geord, do you want me to order a salad for you?”

I sat up and glared at him. “Yes. But this is why we aren’t friends, Wesley.”

Wes rolled his eyes. “Someone’s got to keep it real here. That would be me. Sausage, pepperoni…what else?”

I held my hand out imperiously. Levi helped me up and pulled me to his side, securing his arm around my waist so I couldn’t move without making a fuss.

“Peppers,” Levi suggested. “So, I’m going to guess he’s saying I should get a chandelier for La Vid.”

“That’s the less dramatic translation but yeah…and you should probably take him with you. He’s a little crazy, but he has great taste,” Wes said matter-of-factly. “Why don’t you go tomorrow? It supposed to be a beautiful day.”

“I can’t go to the city tomorrow. I’m working,” I grumbled.

“Take the weekend off. We don’t have any big parties, and if we were unexpectedly bombarded, we have plenty of staff available to cover. Go, Birdie.” Wes typed something into his phone then looked at Levi. “If you need any further translating assistance, let me know. I’m fluent in Geordie-speak.”

“I truly dislike you,” I said.

Wes grinned. “I love you too and—oh, hi. Yes, I’d like to order an extra large…”

I sighed heavily as Wes turned away to place his pizza order and then wiggled out of Levi’s hold. “He’s right. Of course, he managed to convey my message in the most boring way possible but yes…you need a chandelier, and I can help. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow but a trip to San Francisco is a must and—”

“Tomorrow is good. I’ll pick you up after I talk to the contractor in the morning. It’ll be fun. You and me and the open road. We’ll crank Led Zeppelin, count out-of-state license plates, and scarf donuts and coffee. What do you say?” Levi held his fist up for a bro bump.

I laid my hand over his and cocked my head. “Substitute show tunes and bagels, and we have a deal.”

Levi punched the air and let out a whoop before chanting, “Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!”

I pursed my lips and did my best not to smile at his boyish enthusiasm, but when he swept me in his arms and spun me around like a rag doll, I laughed outright.

When he set me free, I brushed off my sleeves and gave him a sideways glance. “You said La Vid earlier. Have you decided to take my suggestion?”

“Oh, was that your idea?” he teased, tousling my hair. “Yeah, I think La Vid is a good name. Maybe even slightly better than The Vine or The Grape.”

“Only slightly better? Like chocolate milkshakes are slightly better than vanilla?” I singsonged.

“Take that back.”

“Or what?”

“Or else,” he countered with a scowl.

“Damn, that turns me on.” When his forehead creased a little more, I added, “Fine. I retract my previous statement. Chocolate rules.”

He nodded his approval. “Cool. Now say ‘chocolate rules’ three times in a row.”

I snickered but decided to play along because if I didn’t talk, I’d be tempted to jump on top of him. And Wes would probably want to know why I was smothering our new business partner with kisses.

Levi was silly. He was the grown-up version of the jocks I secretly idolized in my youth. The strong, resilient type with a good sense of humor and a healthy dose of self-confidence. The idea of having him to myself for an entire day felt like a personal big exclamation point moment. But I played it cool. I pretended my heart didn’t skip a beat when he held me a little too long or when he squeezed my fingers before letting me go. I refused to believe my body was giving off warning signs, because there was no way in a million years I’d fall for anyone ever again. This was just for fun.

The ribbon of highway leading from Napa to the city was quiet and picturesque. Blue skies and rolling green hillsides were interrupted occasionally by a copse of California oak trees and farms with grazing cows and sheep. I loved living in wine country, but I was a city boy at heart. The prospect of a day trip with a hunky man to my old stomping grounds was oddly thrilling. Even if he was a tad cranky.

“You gotta give me a break with the show tunes, Geord. Just turn it down a bit. Please.”

I tsked ruefully but leaned over to adjust the volume. “Lucky for you, this isn’t my favorite song. You never know what you’re going to get on satellite radio. Let me sync my phone with your sound system. I’m in the mood for Cabaret.”

Levi groaned when I sang the first few lines of the musical. “I’m begging you, baby. Just…shh.”

I rolled my eyes at his pathetic tone and twisted in the passenger seat to face him. “You aren’t allowed to call me that, you know.”

“Why not? You just asked to sync your phone in my truck. That’s a pretty forward request. Kinda like Bluetooth sex,” he quipped as he switched lanes.

I threw my head back and laughed. “Too forward? Fine. If we must have silence, talk to me.”

“That doesn’t make sense. If I start talking, it wouldn’t be silent.”

“Someone isn’t a morning person,” I singsonged. “What happened to your zeppelins and donuts and road trip rah-rah?”

“It’s early. I need some time for the coffee to absorb, that’s all. I’ll be fine by the time I finish this.” He raised the to-go cup in his right hand and took a sip before placing it in the cup holder.

“Eight o’clock is not early unless—are you hung over? You seemed fine last night. Did you go out after you left the winery? Oh.” I frowned as I turned to study his profile. “Were you upset I didn’t invite you over afterward? Did you go out or worse…did you go home and drink alone? Are you a closet drinker?”

“You seem to be talking more, not less,” he commented.

“And you’ve just avoided five or more terribly important questions.”

“I’m not avoiding anything. I just can’t think as fast you can talk. Slow down.”

“Hmph. I didn’t think to ask, but I can’t do what we’re doing if you have substance issues. My father was mean-ass drunk, and I made a serious vow to myself to never get involved with anyone who—”

“Jesus, Geordie. No. I’m not hungover. I went home and watched Lost in Space and then went to bed. I didn’t sleep well. That’s all.”

“Oh.”

“And my ex called.”

“That’s a bother. Or were you happy to hear from him? I can’t recall your feelings in regard to the ex. Are you privately pining?”

Levi snorted. “No. Definitely not pining. I like Kevin. I wish the best for him, and I’d like to think it’s mutual.”

“What did he want?” I asked nonchalantly.

“He knows a chef in the Bay Area who might be interested in the job. A good friend of his, I guess.”

“It seems his interest was insomnia-inducing. Perhaps it led you back to the bottle?”

“It didn’t. And don’t worry about my alcohol intake, drama queen. I’m not a big drinker and on the rare occasions I actually get drunk, I’m usually dancing on a table one minute and passed out the next.”

“You sound like Nick’s gorgeous friend Grant. He has a close to zero tolerance level for alcohol. One sip of Syrah and he’s sauced.” I picked up my coffee cup and glanced out the window, fixating on the broken yellow line in the middle of the road.

“I’m not quite that bad. I just don’t make a habit of getting drunk.” Levi paused for a moment then continued. “My dad was an alcoholic too. He wasn’t mean, but he wasn’t…present. He faked it well for a while, but it eventually caught up to him.”

“How so?”

“He died of cirrhosis of the liver when I was twenty.”

“I’m sorry.”

Levi tossed a wan smile at me then refocused on the road. “Thanks.”

“Were you close?”

“When I was a kid, I thought so. But looking back I realize we just occupied the same space and played out roles that were expected of us. Father-son games of catch in the backyard, fishing in the lake behind my grandparents’ house. I don’t know if I can give him credit for trying, because he always had his eye on his watch. It’s kind of sad when a kid notices they’re competing for attention with someone or something that isn’t there.”

“Hmm. Did you see him often after your parents divorced?”

“No. A week in the summer and an occasional holiday. My mom remarried, had a kid, and suddenly there was a lot going on. I had a newfound family, a new school and…baseball. Coming to California to hang out at a dirty spoon with a guy who made small talk and stared at his Timex every few minutes did not appeal to my teenage self. In New Mexico, I had cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents and this rich culture I had no idea was part of my blood.” Levi glanced over briefly and winked. “I’m only a quarter Mexican and there’s some argument that a bigger part of that is actually Spanish but hey…I’m taking it.”

“You must miss your family. Why didn’t you move back to New Mexico after baseball?”

“Because…I didn’t want to be gay there. And I know you’re gonna want to yell at me for saying that but not too loud, please. I’m still waking up,” he pleaded, reaching for his coffee.

“I couldn’t take exception if I wanted to. I moved from LA for the same reason.” I waved my hand as if to erase my words. “Correction. I was kicked out of the house for my gayness, but I opted to remove myself from the City of Angels altogether and start anew.”

“A fresh start is a good thing.”

“True. Although in my case, it was a precautionary measure. My family didn’t care for unicorns.” I made a slash motion across my throat then stared idly out the window.

“I don’t know what that means. Translation, please.”

I scoffed as I yanked my seat belt to give myself room to face him. “They wanted me out, Levi 501. Out. Not out of the closet. Out of the house, the city, the state and if possible, off the fucking planet. They didn’t care for my humor or my looks. I’d grown tiresome and worse yet, I’d become too obvious. I was an embarrassment to the De La Rosas. To my father anyway. He was an awful man and a dastardly drunk.”

“Dastardly?”

“Yes, horrid. I would have preferred a quietly distant loner over a loudmouthed, belligerent, and verbally abusive macho asshole. I steered clear of him when I was a kid. I’m one of six kids, so it wasn’t too hard to stay under the radar. I ruled the roost when he wasn’t around. I’m good at managing things…schedules, money, you name it. And I learned early on that people like to laugh. If you make them laugh, you can get them to cooperate. Not always, naturally, but often enough to make a difference. I made sure the laundry got done, dinner was ready, and that the house wasn’t a mess. He didn’t mind me at first but one day, he did. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of his bar buddies made a joke about me, and he took it as a personal insult. Not on my behalf. On his. Once the seed was sown, it never got better. My mom didn’t stick up for me either, so it was…a hard place for a teenager to be. I left home when I was sixteen and lived with an aunt until I graduated high school. I had more freedom at her house to explore WeHo and get acquainted with gay culture in LA, but I never felt safe. I was too close to home. The second I had my degree, I caught a northbound bus, and here I am.”

“Do you ever go back to LA?”

“For business, not pleasure. We have a few big clients there, so I’m forced to make the occasional sojourn.”

“Did you keep in touch with any of your family?”

“If you’re referring to those who are related by blood, the answer is no. My parents and the aunt who took me in are gone. My brothers and sisters grew up and married and had kids and divorced and had more. I only know that because of social media. I reached out a couple of times but…no one responded. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt every now and then. But c’est la vie. It’s too bad. I would have been a fabulous uncle. I’m great with kids,” I assured him before digging my cell from my bag. “Are you sure I can’t interest you in a Broadway song or two?”

“Just give me a few more minutes,” he replied with a lopsided smile. “Did you ever want kids of your own?”

“Honestly, yes. I always thought I’d make a great mom and dad. I’m patient when I have to be, I’m mostly sane, and I’m a helluva lot of fun. What about you? Did you think you’d be cleaning snotty noses and packing school lunches at this point in life?”

“I never really thought about it, but I think I’d be a good dad too.”

I gasped theatrically. “Darling, we should have children together! Wouldn’t that be marvelous? Imagine it. Sleepless nights, diaper duty, carpools, teaching junior to ride a bike then drive a car. Sounds daunting really, but I’m sure we can conquer the madness.”

“Oh, brother.”

I rolled down the window and yelled, “I’ve found my baby daddy! All is well, world!”

Levi smacked his thigh and snorted merrily. “You are fucking crazy.”

“So they say.” I rolled up the window and tapped my finger against the glass. “Sadly, parenthood isn’t in my future. If it was as easy for a gay couple to have children as hetero folks, I probably would have had four or more by now.”

“By easy you mean…what exactly?”

“I’m talking about good ol’ fashioned sex, Levi. What else? You and I haven’t done it all but—”

“Do you want to?” he interrupted.

I bit my bottom lip and nodded. “Yes, I’m ready.”

“Good.” He reached across the armrest for my hand then brought it to his lips. We held hands for a minute before he added, “What if you get pregnant?”

I swatted him away and laughed. “I may be crazy, but you’re ridiculous.”

“But you like me. Admit it.”

“I thought we’d established that. If I didn’t, I certainly wouldn’t be traipsing to town on a quest for ambient lighting, and I wouldn’t have shared sordid secrets from my past.”

Levi chuckled good-naturedly. “I love the way you talk when you get flustered.”

“I’m not flustered in the slightest. Why are you staring at me? You need to pay attention to the road.”

“I’m a safe driver. Don’t worry.”

I started to make a joke, but nothing came to mind. He was right. I was flustered. And I didn’t know what to make of the sudden swarm of butterflies in my stomach or my accelerated pulse. I didn’t just like Levi. I was infatuated with him. The thought of lying naked with him or better yet, having him inside me, sent shivers along my spine. Conjuring a vision of Mike might help keep perspective, but that didn’t seem fair to either of them. Overthinking the lighthearted vibe of sharing coffee and conversation and a little flirtation with a handsome man was foolish. The sky was blue, the traffic was light, and my favorite city in the world was coming into view over the horizon. Life was good.

Levi parked his truck in a lot on Folsom near the freeway underpass. He locked up and moved to meet me on the sidewalk, mouthing something as he gestured toward the concrete ribbon above us. I pulled my jacket on and rolled my eyes but decided to play along.

“I’m sorry. What were you saying?” I yelled when he reached my side.

“My ears hurt. Where the fuck are we?” he griped.

“I know it isn’t much to look at, but if you want an original piece for a good value, this is the spot. There are three stores within walking distance on this street and another two a couple of blocks away. We’ll have to drive there if we decide to explore those. This isn’t the best neighborhood, and my karate skills are a tad rusty.”

“You know karate?”

“Past tense is probably more accurate. When you have the build and weight of a spaghetti noodle, you better learn some method of self-defense or—hang on.” I tugged at his arm to stop him before we reached the entrance of the industrial-looking warehouse. “This isn’t a big deal, but an old friend of mine owns this store. Since this is a last-minute trip, I didn’t bother letting him know I was coming. Elliot may not be working today but if he is…well, I’ll introduce you.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll keep my hands off your ass.”

“I wasn’t warning you away. I’m simply telling you I know the owner. That’s all.”

“Noted.” Levi held my gaze for a moment then nodded. “So I can touch your ass?”

“You’re a charmer,” I huffed sarcastically. “Shall we?”

An old-fashioned bell announced our arrival when we pushed open the door. The juxtaposition of the archaic chime and the jungle of modern chandeliers above us was jolting. I braced myself for an enthusiastic greeting as our footsteps echoed in the cavernous space. I just hoped there were no tears. I hadn’t seen Elliot since Mike’s funeral. I wish I’d have remembered how panicky the initial post-service meeting made me. Years had passed but this feeling hadn’t gone anywhere. My palms were suddenly sweaty, and I felt vaguely sick to my stomach. Fuck.

I should have called Elliot first. I could have mentally prepared myself for this. Of course, “this” might not be anything. I paused under an iron lantern and swallowed hard, willfully pushing my anxiety aside. And why did I feel so much better when Levi brushed my shoulder and stared up at the light? That was probably a bad sign. Maybe. I didn’t know. In fact, I didn’t know anything anymore. I had to talk, though. And ideally sound normal. I licked my lips nervously and inclined my head.

“Do you like that one?” I asked, pleased that my voice sounded even.

“No. Do you?”

“No,” I admitted before moving to the next series of lanterns. “How about this?”

“It’s not big enough.” Levi stuck his hands into his back pockets as he turned to study me. “You okay?”

“Yes. I—”

“Hello! Can I help you find something today?”

A young woman with long blonde hair and a sunny smile approached. Her blue sweater matched her eyes and accentuated her pink lips. She had a subtle edginess to her girl next door vibe that I liked. Elliot tended to hire a certain type. Good girls gone bad, bad boys gone worse and—why was I torturing myself? I had to get this over with. 

“Yes, but…is Elliot in today?”

Her smile widened. “He’s on a call, but I can let him know you’re here. I’m Sienna. What’s your name, sir?”

“Geordie. Thank you. And yes, you can help. Point us toward your Spanish-style collection. We’re looking for something grand in an entry. We’re considering commissioning an original piece, but I want to give my friend a few ideas.”

“Absolutely. Come this way.”

She left us under a giant circular chandelier with a promise to return. I glanced up and nodded.

“This is better. Do you like it?” I asked.

Levi shrugged. “Sure. I think so.”

“That’s awfully wishy-washy of you. Though I understand your hesitation. It’s not enough. I have a great idea, and I know Elliot can help. I just have to get this over with.” I mumbled the last part under my breath and figured there was a decent chance he hadn’t heard me.

No such luck.

Levi moved his hand under my jacket and splayed his fingers on my lower back. My black, blousy top was far too sheer. His warmth melted me in the best possible ways. It didn’t occur to me to push him away. I needed him close to me.

“I thought he was your friend.”

“He is. I’m just…working through a moment. I’ll explain later.”

Levi rubbed my back and stepped into my space. He brushed his nose along my cheek and then kissed my earlobe. “How long is this gonna take?”

“I don’t know.”

“Make it quick. I don’t want to shop,” he whispered.

“That’s why we’re here.” I leaned against him and breathed in his scent. He smelled so damn good. “What do you want to do instead?”

“Walk around the more scenic parts of the town, get lunch, get a hotel room…”

I closed my eyes for half a second and let the heat and timbre of his voice move through me. My earlier anxiety faded. I couldn’t remember why I’d felt edgy. Everything was fine, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

“Geordie, is that really you?”

I spun away from Levi and smiled at the balding, thin man moving toward me with his arms outstretched. He enveloped me in a Tom Ford cologne-induced haze and held on tight. I wiggled free and stepped backward to give a quick round of introductions.

“You look fabulous, Elliot.”

“Me? Ha! I’m the same as always. It’s been a long time, Geord. I can’t tell you how often I’ve thought about you. I—how are you?”

“Very well.” I hooked my arm in Levi’s unthinking when my smile slipped. “Elliot and I prowled the Castro together back in the day. There were maybe eight of us…twinks and queens and we were marvelously mismatched, weren’t we?”

Elliot chuckled softly and nodded in agreement. “We were.”

Jesus, time is a wicked vampire, I thought as he regaled me with a breakdown of old friends he’d kept in touch with. Elliot wasn’t unattractive by any means, but he looked so…ordinary in his khaki pants and red cardigan. Or perhaps it was his thinning brown hair and ghostly pallor. It took a herculean effort to remember the sinewy twink who’d had a thing for leather daddies. We were around the same age, but I refused to believe the middle-aged truck had hit me yet. How had twenty or more years gone by so fast? I was only six years older than Levi, but Elliot’s minor history lesson of our shared past made me think I’d been far too kind to myself.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch sooner, but when Levi said he needed a chandelier”—I pursed my lips to keep from laughing when Levi stepped aside to examine a nearby sconce and turned back to me and mouthed, I never said that—“I knew exactly where to go.”

“Excellent. Before we get started, can I ask how you are? We were worried about you after Mike passed. God, Geordie, that was…just awful. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I know how much you loved him and—” To my absolute horror, he sobbed.

And I froze.

I didn’t know what to do. So when he drew me against him and cried like a child, I patted his back and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I cast a panicky glance at Levi, thinking any second now he’d bolt and leave me with the fragment of my past that required consolation and possibly a cocktail.

“Elliot darling, it’s okay. I’m fine. Really,” I assured him as I slowly untangled myself from his hold.

“You look better than ever.” He brushed the moisture from his eyes then gave Levi an apologetic half smile. “Did you ever meet Mike?”

“Uh…no.”

“He was a good man. The kind you don’t see so much anymore. And boy, did he love this guy. You were lucky, Geord. I’m still hoping there’s another one like him out there.” Elliot pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and blew his nose. “I’m sorry about that. Let’s talk chandeliers. Tell me what you have in mind.”

I took a deep breath and cast a wide-eyed, apologetic look at Levi. I couldn’t read his expression. He was neutral but not distant. I moved to his side and linked my pinky finger with his. Because at that very moment, it seemed suddenly important that I let him know that I was here…completely present. I didn’t have my eye on my watch. I wasn’t thinking about my past or my future. I was here.