The reddish-orange hues of the evening sky have long faded, replaced with twinkling stars lighting up the night. I inhale the fresh air, letting my feet roam where they may. I’ve always been a fan of walks to clear my mind. The song of the crickets and swaying trees are a welcome sound to my solitude. I don’t want to think of the mind fuck I just left back there. I knew standing by Diesel’s side would be no easy task, but the sucker punch was just as numbing. There is no other way to see it than he took her side. At that moment of decision, her feelings were the ones worth sparing. I question what the fuck I’m trying for. What is my loyalty really worth if it goes unnoticed—unappreciated.
I insert the earbuds that I snagged from the house before I left. Xander and Lily were so immersed into The Notebook, they barely acknowledged my presence. I’m ambivalent. I both envy and am equally happy for what they have. It’s such a beautiful thing when the feelings are mutual.
I hate these depressing thoughts eating away at my sanity. I turn the volume up when I hear Billy Idol’s “Eyes Without a Face.” I hum along, desperate to drown out anything unrelated to the melody. The roads are surprisingly quiet. Most of the rentals are some distance from our private one, giving me some indication of how far I’ve walked. The beach homes I’m surrounded by are not as exorbitant as the one we’re staying in but still amazing to look at. Still, there aren’t many people out even though it’s still fairly early. I take a few corners, enjoying my tour of beach homes.
A loud rumble above the sound of my music has me turning to see where the noise is coming from. A motorcycle nears, and I move closer to the lean of one of the houses to make sure I’m out of the way. Only when the rider slows and comes to a rolling stop next to me do I freeze—realizing the rider is Diesel.
He pulls the helmet off and runs a single hand through his hair. His face contorted in dissatisfaction.
“I’ve combed nearly this entire damn neighborhood looking for you,” he growls.
“Well, as you can see, I’m fine. I’m taking an evening stroll.” I give him my best fuck off stare before continuing. “You know, just trying to forget about the date who stood me up.”
Something passes over his stupidly handsome features, but it’s gone as quick as it appeared.
“I’m sorry about that,” he relents. “That’s why I came to find you. That is, until I found out that you left the house in the dark. Alone. What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that I wanted to take a walk. And that I didn’t answer to anyone, so I could do what the hell I wanna do.”
I watch as he flexes his fists, reeling in his control instead of saying what’s on his mind.
“Listen. I get that you’re not happy with me at the moment. Don’t put yourself in danger to spite me.”
“I’m a grown ass woman who is not afraid of the dark. I’ll take a walk anytime I want.” I know that I’m egging him on, but it makes me feel better, so I’ll egg away. He doesn’t get to have it both ways. He can’t dismiss me and then expect me to give what he wants any kind of consideration.
“A grown woman, huh? Well, fucking act like it. Stop putting yourself in these unnecessary situations. You’re not invincible!”
“Whatever.” He’s fuming now if that clench of his jaw is any indication, but so am I. He hurt me tonight, and I feel like being petty. I know how he regards control, and I refuse to give it to him.
“What the actual fuck? Do you want to get raped or something?”
The blood freezes in my veins. “It wouldn’t be the fucking first …” I stop mid-sentence, realizing I’ve already admitted too much.
He is off his bike in a nanosecond. I try to storm off, but he catches up to me and spins me around with such force that I almost stumble.
“What the hell did you just say?”
I try to walk away again, but he grabs my arm. His grip act as a warning.
“Nothing. Why don’t you go back to Melissa before you have to invent another lie to explain your disappearance?”
“I don’t give two shits about Melissa at the moment—”
“But you do care about her,” I taunt, cutting him off.
“You’re not going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Change the damn subject. What were you going to say, Lourdes? That it wouldn’t be the first fucking time? Tell me that’s not what the hell you were going to say!”
“That’s not what I was going to say,” I deadpan.
He scrubs his face with his hands. “The all black, the introversion, the fucking brokenness when I first met you. I can’t believe I didn’t connect the dots before now.”
“I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’m growing bored with this conversation.”
His eyes look through me. Sadness reflects at me mixed with pity and regret. I hate that combo. This is why I keep my fucked-up past to myself. I survived. I don’t want to ever feel like that again—helpless.
“Don’t do that, baby. Don’t deflect.”
He loosens his grip on my arm to pull me into his embrace. His cologne intoxicates me, makes me feel safe—like he’s home. Only he’s not. He’s Melissa’s home at the moment. I don’t want him like this … out of pity. I wiggle away from him and wipe the stupid tears that manage to fall. His face crumples, but he lets me go.
“You’re wrong,” I assure. “I was going to say, it wouldn’t be the first time a woman was raped. I know the risks, but they’re minimal out here. Look around. See how quiet it is?”
I sniffle, and he flinches.
“Then why are you crying?” he asks, unfooled.
“Because …” I pause. “You’re only here out of some misplaced need to apologize. Your cards were shown tonight—your hand revealed. And guess who has the trump card? Melissa. You had a choice to make on whose feelings to spare, and you chose her. Now I have to come to terms with the position that I hold. A nobody.”
The tears fall freely. Even though the words that rolled off my tongue were meant to be a diversion, I felt every syllable. My heart bleeds with this admission. The thoughts that I tried to push out of my mind when I started this walk have just exposed themselves.
“You know that’s not true. I’m not out here out of some misplaced need to apologize. I do owe you an apology. I failed to be a better friend. I should have handled the intrusion by Melissa better.”
“A friend, huh? And there it is.”
“There what is?”
“My demotion.”
“Stop, please.”
“Considered it done. I’m stopping.”
My heart ricochets against my ribs, splintering into pieces with that dubious admission. He must feel it too.
“Don’t give up on me, Lourdes.” He blows out a cleansing breath and modifies his request. “Don’t give up on our friendship.”
There is so much I can say, but sometimes, you have to know when to fold your losing hand.
“Sure thing. Look, I’m going to head back. I’ll see you later.”
“I’m not letting you walk alone,” he insists. I start heading back the way I came. “Can you get on the bike?”
“I can’t make you head back without me, but I’m not getting on that bike. I want to walk, so that’s what I’m going to do. See how that works both ways?”
“I’m not going to argue with you over this.”
“Suit yourself.”
He grabs his motorcycle as I walk past him. He pushes it alongside me in silence. He looks absolutely ridiculous, yet the effort is noted. I only wonder if it’s a day late and a dollar short.
We arrive back at the house in no time. I just need to get to my room. His presence is like a heavy cloak, suffocating and unwavering. He parks his bike next to the house as I all but sprint up to my room. I throw on a tank and sleep shorts just prior to Melissa entering unannounced. I know this can’t be good. I look around her to see if Diesel is coming in with her.
“He’s downstairs,” she says as she closes the door, answering my unasked question.
“What do you want?” Fuck pleasantries. She isn’t here for anything good.
“He denies you, you know? He doesn’t claim you or any past romantic involvements with you.”
“Again,” I say more forcefully, “what do you want?”
“It doesn’t matter. I know the signs. You want him. Somewhere along the line, he gave you false hope. He thinks of you as friend, but you see him as more. Buying your time. Closing in with false stories of stood up blind dates. You totally have the hots for him.”
This clueless bitch couldn’t be any further from the truth. I smirk.
“I guess you have it all figured out then.”
At this point, I’m just trying to push her buttons. She obviously came up here to push mine. I could fuck her whole world by spilling what we were up to in the bed she sleeps in with him—since clearly my wanting him is one-sided.
“More than you know. But guess what. Our history runs deeper than anything you can imagine. The things we’ve explored together would blow your little vanilla mind. It takes a certain type of woman to even keep his attention, and I’m the only woman who’s ever wrecked him by leaving him. What does that tell you?
“How about, I don’t give a flying fuck?” I snap.
My once frozen veins thaw with venom. I want to throat punch her ass.
“I’ll give you a clue anyway. It means I’m irreplaceable. In case he didn’t fill you in, we have some things we need to work on, and that’s why I’m here. He wants things to be the way they were before. He has access to all the pussy that his rising fame affords, but guess what? He still chooses me over a mere casual fuck.”
“Girl, your warnings are in vain but say whatever you need to make yourself feel better. Instead of being up here trying to warn me off your guy, you should go be with him. I’m good.”
I wave my hand to dismiss her. She rolls her eyes and heads for the door. She pauses for a beat and then turns and gives me one final warning. “Just stay the fuck away from him.” She leaves on that note, satisfied to get in the last word.
She runs into Lily on the way out. “What was that about?” Lily asks as soon as she thinks Melissa is out of earshot.
“Nothing worth repeating. Just warning me to stay away from Diesel.”
“Why in the hell did she feel the need to do that? I mean, Xander and I were both surprised to see her back early. We knew you had gone down to the beach and that Diesel had followed you out there. What happened?”
“Aren’t you watching movies with my brother?” I force a fake giggle, but it falls flat.
“I told him to pause it—that I’d be back.”
“Honestly, I don’t feel like rehashing it all right now. It’s nothing detrimental or worth losing quality time with your man over. I can give you the gist tomorrow over tea when the guys leave for rehearsal.”
She looks at me unsure. The pity in her eyes match Diesel’s earlier. “Are you sure? Xander would understand.”
Sure the hell he would. Probably secretly laugh at my stupidity and his canny ability to predict this whole thing was a bad idea.
“Go, woman! I’m fine. I have some yummy alphas to keep me company,” I joke as I pull out a romance novel from the nightstand.
“Is it any good?” she asks, still unsure.
“Yes. The heroine is secretly pregnant by the best friend’s brother. He’s an old flame, but he left. He came back into the picture only to find out she’d moved on with his friend. He wants her back, so I’m waiting to see who she goes with.”
“Sounds interesting.”
“It is. Now go on so I can read,” I say, pushing her out the door.
“Okay, but tomorrow we’re going to talk.”
“Absolutely. Now go.”
When she leaves, I can finally let the events of tonight take hold. I sit on the bed with my book, wishing I really could get lost in the story of the characters. Instead, Melissa’s words play on a loop. I get the sinking feeling that she was his submissive. What other things would blow my vanilla mind? She sounds just like Diesel in that regard, and it makes sense. She has a different kind of bond with him, and I may be fighting an uphill battle. Hell, she said that she’s here for them to work things out. That he wants thing to go back to the way they were. I don’t know what the hell “things” are, but he’s surely not saying anything to the contrary. It could also explain why he’s not sleeping with her. They’re in the middle of working things out, and he’s fucking me in the interim.
I may need to seriously rethink my intent. Besides, he looks fine to me. If he was spiraling or had some issues to work through, maybe her presence was what he needed—the real reason’s she here. If that’s the case, I need to accept that what we had has been replaced and move the fuck on. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Fighting for a lost cause is the definition of insanity. He’s not a lost cause, but the obliteration of our relationship is.