This morning, I wake up with even less clarity than I had last night, even minus the booze. My head is at war with my heart. The fact Melissa is even here should be enough for me to walk away—so why doesn’t it feel that simple. Everyone has already left for the fish fry about fifty yards from the house. I can see Diesel and the bane of my existence from my bedroom window. I know Lily will come for me any minute because she’s not a fan of either of the girls. I back away from the window and place an overdue call to Brooke.
“How’s it going, hooker? I thought you forgot about me,” she answers.
“Never,” I promise. “How’s class?”
“It’s class. The more important question is how are you? How’s Diesel? I saw the news.”
Just like her to get to the point.
“I guess he’s okay. He has a new sidekick, so I haven’t really had a chance to ask.”
There’s a beat of silence before she blows out a frustrated breath.
“Sidekick as in another bitch?”
I don’t even bother refuting the bitch part.
“Spot on,” I confirm. “I think I may need to ditch this whole novel idea and get as far from this clusterfuck as I can.”
I purge all the crap that has been going on—from the blowup Diesel had that night resulting in a fight between him and Xander to Xander’s fake make up with me for Lily’s sake, and now Diesel’s coupling with Melissa. I collapse on the bed, feeling no better for having gotten it all off my chest.
“Oh, Lourdes. You say the word, and I’ll drop everything and meet you in Austin. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”
“No. That’s not why I called. I just needed to hear your voice. I know I have to put my big girl panties on and make a decision. Should I stay, or should I go?”
I tell her about Mitch’s comment about not getting what I want by standing on the sidelines. I wait for her to tell me that it’s a crock of shit, but there’s silence on the other end.
“I have a different perspective, and it’s fucking shocking even to me. I can’t believe the words getting ready to leave my mouth,” she begins. “What do you think was said in that room between Diesel and Sevyn?”
“I have no earthly idea. He hasn’t given me the courtesy of a real conversation since that night. He set our bridge on fucking fire that night and didn’t even look back at the enraging flames. I’ve been dead to him since that night.” The last sentence gets caught in my throat. Tears sting behind my eyes.
“Believe me when I say I’m not pro-Diesel at the moment, not in the slightest, but I can see beyond the bubble you’re in. I felt the love he had for you during my last visit. He paid to have me visit for the sake of your happiness. Those feelings were genuine. No, something significant happened that night, Lourdes.”
“Yeah, I know that. But what is the question.”
“You’re asking the wrong question. What could have happened that was so devastating that it changed his whole outlook? With that blowup, he risked losing the band, in addition to you, so what would make him shit on everything he cares about?”
Although I knew he put the record deal in jeopardy and possibly breaking up the band, I never stopped to ask myself why. I couldn’t see past my own hurt feelings and why he would do this to me.
“I guess I never thought about it like that,” I admit.
“I only know because the similarities are too much to be a coincidence.”
“Similarities? What are you talking about?” I’m confused.
“The self-deprecating, self-destructive behavior. When I met you, I knew you were lost. I didn’t know your story, but I just knew you needed someone. I wasn’t put off by your goth armor.”
“What are you saying? You think Diesel is lost?” I didn’t want to think about the girl I was when Brooke met me. She’s right. I was hurting, and my attempts to suppress the shit I’d been through had me spiraling.
“I think he’s dealing with something he doesn’t know how to handle, so he’s pushing away those closest to him. I think the stuff unraveled on the news is only surface deep. You had your coping mechanisms, and I’m guessing these are his—to shut people out and ignore the problem.”
This is why I needed to call her. She brings forth clarity where there was none. “How did you become so wise?”
“I’ve just always been able to get a good read on people. And right now, my gut tells me Diesel needs you. He managed to get through to you even when I couldn’t. He kept chipping away at your armor until he pierced through. He refused to let you push him away. I was there for you, babe, but he saved you.”
This time, I can’t prevent the tears from falling because she’s right. Even though Sevyn and Diesel played their switch-a-roo at the lake house, he’s the one who ultimately made me believe in myself—help me take back my power and control over my body.
“He needs me,” I conclude barely above a whisper.
“I would say so. He needs help battling whatever he’s facing, but only if you’re strong enough to be there for him. There’s no shame if you aren’t. I just wanted to shed light on the aspect you weren’t seeing.”
“It’s just so hard to see him with Melissa,” I confess.
“If I had to guess, I’d say she’s his armor—his version of goth. I can’t say any of this for certain, but I’ve been accurate in my assessments thus far.”
“So what do I do?”
“You only have two things you can do, and which one you choose will ultimately be your decision. You either look beyond his armor and keep chipping away at it, or you walk away if realistically you’re not ready for what that entails.”
“You’re freaking brilliant, woman. It still hurts like hell so either way will be no easy decision.”
“Both roads lead to unavoidable pain. You just have to decide which path is worth it.”
“Love you, Brooke. I’ll call you soon. You’ve given me loads to think about and with the clarity I needed.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Don’t hesitate to call me morning or night. I’m here for you regardless of what you decide. Love you too.”
We end the call, and I just sit on the bed, flabbergasted. So much perspective in that one phone call. She’s right; both roads lead to pain. If I give up on him, the loss will be more than I care to think about. And if I stay and fight for him, fight to bring him back from whatever edge he’s fallen over, I have to contend with the pain of having Melissa here and him pushing me away.
The choice seems so clear now as if there was never a choice to begin with. He’s risked it all and for what? That is what I intend to find out. He was there for me when I was at my lowest. I can’t ignore that he needs someone to be there for him now. If Melissa is his armor, then I won’t stop until she’s conquered. Hopefully, our happiness is on the other side of the pain. At least this path has that chance.
I dry my eyes and grab my towel. Today I actually put on a one piece. Newfound determination propels me forward. I don’t know how I’m going to get through to Diesel, but I can’t do it hiding in the house, so I head outside. Lily meets me on the steps as I exit the house.
“I was just coming to get you. Kicking and screaming if I had to.” She chuckles at her own joke.
“No need. I’m coming.”
She loops her arm through mine as we walk to where the fish are frying. The guys have already been out and caught our dinner. I watch as Diesel and Melissa gut and clean the fish on the picnic table lined with newspaper. So a woman who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. Well, neither am I.
“You guys need a third set of hands? That’s quite a haul.”
To say they both looked surprised is an understatement. Even Lily’s eyebrows disappear into her hairline.
“Yeah, sure,” Melissa speaks up before Diesel can decline my offer. “The more hands, the better.”
I take a seat next to her so that I’m sitting across from Diesel. He swallows his discomfort, and I just smile. Lily sits next to him, unsure how to proceed. I push a small bass in front of her while taking a bigger one from the cooler alongside me.
“Have you ever descaled a fish?” I ask her. She shakes her head. I figured as much from her hesitancy to even touch it. “It’s easy. I’ll show you.”
“Head on or off?” I ask Diesel.
“Off.” He’s forced to answer. His inquisitive stare is a break from the coldness he’s given me lately. “Anderson is the only one who likes the whole fish, so we’ve already left a few for him.”
“Gotcha.”
I begin descaling the fish as Lily attempts to mimic what she sees. Even Diesel looks impressed.
“You’re just full of hidden talents, woman. Where did you learn to do that?”
“Thomas …” The rest of the sentence dies on my lips as soon as I speak his name. Lily’s knife clatters to the table when she sees my face fall.
“Who’s Thomas?” Melissa picks this moment to fucking probe.
My hand tightens around the knife as I descale the bass with fervor. I can’t believe I gave voice to his name. He’s dead to me. Every memory with him in it—tarnished.
“Nobody,” Lily tries.
“Must be some ex-boyfriend who broke your heart, huh?” she pushes.
Diesel looks at me with interest.
“For fuck’s sake, drop it. Can’t you see it’s not up for discussion?” I’ve never seen Lily this furious or heard her voice raised as much as she just did. The stares I’m getting from Diesel and Melissa now are too much. I push away from the table.
“Excuse me,” I say as I walk to the water’s edge. The stares as I pass are inquisitive. I let the cool water run between my toes as I take deep breaths. I will not give his name power.
After about five minutes, Lily comes up behind me. She grabs my hand, pulling me in. “Come on. Let’s go for a swim.”
“Best idea yet.” I smirk sarcastically, but I let her pull me farther into the water.
We float, swim, and splash each other until I push the little fiasco at the table to the back of my mind. I appreciate her not bringing it up again or apologizing. I just want to forget it. She leaves me briefly but returns with two floating mats and two drinks. A beer for her and a decorative water bottle for me.
“What’s this?” I take a sip and smile.
“Figured Jack would be appreciated,” she surmises.
Again, she hit the nail on the head. “Thank you,” I mouth before taking a few sips.
“You’re welcome.”
We climb on our mats and float. I let the afternoon sun melt away the tension of knowing Diesel is on land spending time with her. This sucking it up thing is going to be harder than I thought. I just have to keep chipping away. Well as soon as I figure out how to do just that.
“I think it’s time for more sunscreen, babe,” I hear Xander say nearby. He’s waded out to us to make sure Lily doesn’t turn into a lobster. The thoughtfulness sends a little ping to my heart. She hops off the mat and grabs mine.
“Come on, Lourdes. Your brother is right. We don’t want to burn. It’s been a while since we applied sunscreen.”
“Sure,” I say as I follow her and Xander. “I’m getting hungry anyway.”