She hadn’t returned from her lunch break. I wanted to punch the fucker that had stolen her sandwich.

I was sitting in the staff room just waiting. I thought if I stayed there, I could take in the vibrations of her words and hold on to her like a photograph capturing a single moment in time.

Her voice hadn’t changed. It could still make me weak and prickle the fine hairs across the back of my neck. I was happy to stand there and listen to her profanities, expletives and four letter words because they meant she still felt something.

As the door clattered shut, I instinctively sat up, adjusting my tie and rolling my shoulders ready for battle. You can do this, Dawson.

Then nothingness. The worst kind of ness. Fuck. If I walked down to her office now, I knew I would stutter and rub the back of my neck until my skin bled. I wasn’t in the business of attracting office gossip, especially on my first day, so I remained sitting down until Elle walked in catching me having a silent breakdown.

‘You scared me!’ she said, clutching her chest and turning a bright shade of red.

‘How are you, Elle? It’s been a while and, boom, here I am, your new manager.’ I sighed and shook my head in disbelief. I may even have laughed uncomfortably. ‘I really can’t believe this. What the fuck am I going to do?’ I pinched my fingers at the bridge of my nose and carried on shaking my head like my life depended on it. As she sat down, I did the ear pulling thing that I did when I could feel my bottom lip shaking as it considered merging into full blown sobs.

‘Don’t do this. It’s your first day and you need to make a good impression. I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling, but take a breath. You need to.’

‘How is she?’ I muttered into my knees.

‘Been better. Shocked. Trying to make sense of it all and what it means.’

‘What does she think it means?’ Oh God. Another bombshell I’m yet to drop.

‘She doesn’t know. You stopped writing after telling her she was the love of your life.’

‘She is still the love of my life. Always will be.’ I could feel the bile rising, so I scanned the staff room for a bowl, a cup, anything that I could hurl my stomach contents into.

‘Then tell her. You have to. She’s still yours. She’s always been yours,’ Elle smiled, her eyes getting brighter. The hope of a happy ending for her best friend shone across her face, but my face crumpled and that annoying shake of my head started again because my head suddenly felt too big for my shoulders.

‘She hasn’t told you the full story, has she? It wasn’t just me that was at fault, Elle.’

‘What’s the full story?’ she asked.

She didn’t know. She didn’t know about Abi’s letter.

‘Ask her about the letter. Ask her what she said. We’ve both made mistakes. I’m just not sure who made the biggest one.’

‘What did she say? What’s wrong? Surely this is good, isn’t it? I’ve just given you the nod. She’s still in love with you. Go get her.’ She studied my face. My broken, stupid bastard of a face.

‘It’s not as easy as that,’ I sighed.

‘Why not?’

‘Is she with anyone?’

Fuck. I didn’t want to know. Fuck. I did want to know.

‘No, she wants you. Always has.’ Elle smiled that hope for a happy ending smile. She was such a believer in fairy-tale endings. I clutched my chest when I lost the ability to breath easily.

‘Elle, I’m a colossal prick and you need to tell her to stay the hell away from me.’

‘What?’ She dropped her smile into a grimace of utter confusion. It perfectly illustrated what was going on in my head right now.

Stomach contents. Fuck. Pains. Got to get out of here.

‘I’m taking my lunch break. Tell Colin I’ll be back in an hour.’

I found myself sitting on a swing in the park at the end of the road. If that wasn’t a fantastic way to sum up my life right now, I didn’t know what was. New manager. Great job. Sitting on a swing. Awesome.

‘Can I get on?’ A cute toddler was patting her hand on my knee. She was all curly blonde hair and blue eyes.

‘Oh, sure, yeah, sorry. Knock yourself out.’ Her mum smiled at me warily as I moved over to the next thing I could perch my backside on—the end of a seesaw. What an even better metaphor for my life.

First day on the job and I was fucked. Scowly Abi was not to be messed with. Every time I pictured her face in supervision sessions where she would be sitting in my office not more than a few feet away, it was always scowly. I remembered the times she’d looked at me like I was the only man alive. I’d lived for those times. I replayed them in my darkest moments.

‘Excuse me, Mr Man, can I get on the seesaw?’

The kid who moved me off the swing was now standing studying my face as I zoned out thinking about the beautiful creature I couldn’t believe I’d let slip through my fingers.

‘Yes, of course. This seesaw,’ I said, pointing to it, ‘is the best. I was testing it out for you. That swing over there— amazing. So...swingy.’

‘Push me?’ she asked as her mum arrived for backup.

‘Sorry. Another time.’

Time to face the music.