‘I need to get drunk,’ I announced as we walked into town dressed to impress and in the frame of mind to forget. Dreams had been plaguing me every night.

Dreams about him.

Jamie Dawson.

My lost love.

It was as if they were trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what. Snippets of information, memories and conversations that I hadn’t thought about for months replayed repeatedly when I finally closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Stripy socks came flooding back first. I’d bought a pair that reminded me of him; they lived under my pillow. His nervous habits that I’d studied more than I’d studied for my social work law exam followed swiftly behind…

Then came reminders of notes he used to leave on my desk.

‘You look beautiful when you concentrate.’

‘I may have a hard-on after hearing you tell Steve to go fuck himself when he didn’t agree with your initial assessment this morning.’

‘Can I make you mine?’

‘You’ve ruined me for anyone else.’

He’d hide them under the stapler on my desk. It was the first thing I’d check when I arrived at work every morning. The disappointment was unbearable on the days I hadn’t found one, but that pain was nothing compared to the heavy, tearing disappointment I would feel later on down the line.

Gem, Kate and Elle joined me in my mission to forget. I’d met Kate through work, and Gem was a friend of Elle’s from school. They were diamonds—sparkling and harder than anything that would be thrown their way. Gem was separated from her husband and open to finding love, or a good fuck, whichever came first. Kate was quietly on the look out, and Elle was loved up; but if she didn’t get off the phone from Ben in the next minute, I was going to throw it onto the tramlines.

‘No phones allowed,’ I shouted. Elle was standing with her finger in her ear desperately trying to hear Ben over the noise of the Saturday night crowds.

She waved at me in annoyance.

‘Leave her alone. It’s sweet. I can only wish for that kind of love. Never had it, but I’d like to give it a try,’ Kate said as Elle strode over drunk on love instead of cocktails.

‘We need alcohol.’ I pointed my finger to the bar. The lights were dim inside but the music was loud and just what I needed to take me away for a few hours. We had already danced three songs away when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

‘Abi! What a nice surprise. Fancy seeing you here.’ I continued swaying my hips when I realised it was Rob—harmless, nice enough Rob—a colleague but also a one-night stand that had turned into two. How I repeated the first mistake, I’ll never know.

‘Well, fancy that. What a turn up for the books. Are you stalking me?’ He put his hands on my hips to try to contain my dancing. I twirled in his hands and pushed myself into his groin. It didn’t take much to get him going.

‘Come and sit with me. Let’s catch up,’ he said as he pulled me towards him and tried to kiss my lips. I pulled back. Kissing was far too intimate. Kissing meant passion. Kissing meant feelings. Kissing was reserved for the man who held my heart but who I hadn’t heard from in almost two years. ‘How are you?’ Rob asked as we fell into a booth after I let him buy me a drink.

‘Not small talk, Rob. We can do better than that, can’t we?’ I smiled and continued as he took my hand. ‘What you really want to know is if I will go home with you tonight and repeat our one-night stand for the third time.’ I took a sip of alcohol. ‘Can you guarantee me an orgasm? If I remember rightly, you could only manage that with your fingers and not your cock, and tonight I need a cockateer.’

‘Fuck, Abi. Are you always this intimidating? Tone it down a notch,’ he said, shaking his head in exasperation.

‘Are you always this whiney? Lighten up or I’ll set my sights on someone else.’ Total lie. I was done with one-night stands and the inevitable emptiness the following morning.

‘Kiss me.’

‘No.’

‘Kiss me. Show me we can be more than a quick fuck.’ He smiled, but his tone was serious. ‘You can’t, can you? Have you ever thought that I want more?’

‘Rob!’

‘I don’t know what it is with you. I thought we had a good time. You hold yourself back. I never really scratched the surface. No kissing, no touching your neck, no romance. God forbid I should ask for a date.’ Shit. He had figured me out in the few short hours we had spent together. ‘Whoever it was, he was a dick. The sooner you understand that, the better. Maybe then we might have something more than just sex.’

He got up, took his drink, and disappeared into the crowds. His words didn’t sit well with me. I suddenly felt sober. Being sober and miserable in a club was pretty crap. I couldn’t see the girls and the thought of breaking my way through the crowd to find them was enough to make me leave.

* * *

The light in the living room confused me as I kicked the door shut with my foot. I wasn’t used to anyone being home, so I jumped when I saw Ben sitting at the table in front of his MacBook.

‘New toy; just tinkering.’ Ben was a computer software engineer who loved his gadgets. ‘You don’t mind me being here, do you? I can go.’

‘No, it’s fine.’

‘I hate to tell you this, but I think you’ve forgotten Elle.’

After getting some water and sliding two ice cubes into the glass, a crap attempt at trying to stop a hangover in the morning, I smiled and pulled up a chair. ‘She’s still out with Gem and Kate. I sent her a text to tell her I didn’t feel well. She’s probably already on her way.’

‘You OK?’

‘Not really.’ I put my head on the table ‘Can I ask you something?’ I mumbled under my hair before sitting up.

‘I guess.’

‘You get nervous around me,’ I said as I pointed to his fidgeting hands. ‘Is that the reaction everyone gets? Do you find me intimidating?’

‘Erm…well.’

I wanted to smack him on the back of the head to encourage him to be truthful, but I could already see it in his tone and mannerisms. ‘Anyone would think I’d made a pass at you with all the flapping you’re doing.’

‘Now, that would cause me to flap.’

‘You don’t need to worry. You’re far too handsome to be attractive anyway,’ I said as I reached under my top and unclipped my bra, letting the girls free.

He raised his eyebrows at me. ‘There’s a back handed compliment if ever I heard one.’

‘You are!’ I laughed. ‘I like my men a bit more asymmetrical.’

‘Remember the night we met?’ he said, smiling in disbelief.

How could I forget? Elle had been stabbed during a home visit that had gone seriously wrong. Ben was in the middle of writing a Dear John letter outside her hospital room and I may have told him to grow some balls, or something similarly ranty.

‘You don’t have to say any more. Intimidating.’ I said, pointing to myself. ‘No wonder I’m hopelessly single.’

‘Listen, you’ve always been honest with me, so let me do the same.’

‘This sounds serious,’ I sighed.

‘Elle’s told me a bit about Jamie. It sounds like you have him up on the fourth plinth of Trafalgar Square.’ He was getting dangerously close to the truth. ‘Don’t cut yourself off from trying another relationship. Take him off the plinth and give someone else a try.’

‘It’s far easier to take someone home, let them bang it in, and then leave them to it for the rest of their lives,’ I replied.

‘Wouldn’t you like something more?’

‘Listen, I haven’t had sex for three months. No one-night stands, no relationships. Nothing. I’m stuck now. The man I want doesn’t want me. Celibacy may be my only hope of staying sane.’ I took a breath in an attempt to sound calm and less madwoman breaks down in her kitchen. It didn’t work. ‘Forgive me if I don’t take on board your advice, which, by the way, is pretty shit, totally naïve, and lacking in details.’

Don’t take this out on Ben. Don’t take this out on Ben.

He looked at me like he wanted to bolt out the door. ‘Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have—’ His eyes flew to Elle as she came rolling in. I heard an audible sigh.

‘My two favourite people!’ she slurred. Her arms were in the air but soon dropped when she saw the faces in front of her. ‘What is it?’ I looked at Ben and pleaded for him to drop it. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing,’ I said as I felt a sharp sting of embarrassment and tried hard to rectify the mess I was causing. ‘I’ve had a crap night and it’s only added to my crap week, month and year.’

‘I know you’ve been hurt. You’re as intimidating as fuck, but that’s your defence mechanism.’

‘Don’t, Ben. Don’t try to analyse me. You don’t know the full story.’ I stalked past a shocked Elle and slammed my bedroom door in protest. Seconds later, I heard a small knock.

‘Let me in.’

‘That was childish, I know. I’ll apologise,’ I said as I opened the door.

‘Good. But first, I’m here to talk,’ Elle replied as we collapsed onto the bed. ‘What brought all that on?’

‘I saw Rob. He may have mumbled something about me being intimidating and wanting to take me on a date. I talked to Ben about it, and, what was the term he used to describe me? Oh yeah, intimidating as fuck.’

‘Rob, hey? Nice-guy Rob. I can’t see it myself. He’s not the one,’ she replied, totally ignoring me.

‘Fucking hell. No one’s the one!’ I sat up and sprang to my feet. ‘I found the one, but he’s not the one. I haven’t heard from him in two years. There’s never going to be anyone else. No one compares to him.’

‘You don’t give anyone a chance. You have one night and it’s over.’

‘I was trying to hurt him. I wanted to sleep with as many men as I could to fucking hurt him, but all I’m doing is hurting myself. I could fuck the entire staff list and he wouldn’t know. He’s not here to know.’ Elle pulled me back down to the bed and slung her arm across my shoulders. ‘I’ve got a pair of socks under my pillow and they aren’t even his.’

‘What?’ she asked as I sat up and crawled up the bed to pull out the stripy socks I slept with every night.

‘Oh God. That’s special,’ she smiled.

‘Isn’t it? I was just telling your boyfriend I haven’t had sex for three months. I’ve gone from fucking anyone that walks to being celibate. Isn’t my life great?’ I shrugged and faced the truth. ‘I need to let him go, don’t I?’

Elle nodded and pulled the socks out of my hand before pulling me in for a hug.