Conversations were circling in my head.

How can you even consider telling her?

She needs to know everything. Every damn nugget of awfulness and side-splitting pain.

She will hate you forever. You’re a lunatic. You don't deserve happiness.

She hadn’t changed a fraction, yet she was so different. I took a long drink of beer to numb that reality and clutched at my chest, bunching up my shirt in my fist as the sting of conscience whipped across with fury shouting: ‘Fuck your libido, arsewipe!’

Tonight had to end well.

I was thinking I could make a stab at friendship, a bit of small talk to break the ice. I could make her laugh like I used to and she’d get this look on her face that told me it was OK to be civil and that we could eventually be best friends but with a history that didn’t have to define us. I could buy her a drink as a peace offering and we could start a new us. Then, when our new best friends status was confirmed, I could go home and worship her in the privacy of my own bathroom.

Oh fuck. I was fucked.

I felt like a voyeur at a private club. The pink vibrator she held up like a prize wasn’t going to help my attempt at friendship. I assumed she had given it to Kate as a birthday present. I overheard her muttering about Elle and how she’d never allowed Abi to buy her one, feigning embarrassment that her parents might stumble across it. She stood on a leather stool, wobbling but undaunted as she made a speech detailing how determined she was to offer a gift that would at least change one best friend’s life for the better.

‘It’s totally fantastic that I have at least one friend I can turn into a filth bag!’ Abi shouted as she held the vibrator against Kate’s back while they gave each other a hug.

She ended her speech by offering to have a threesome with Elle and her boyfriend, a sound bloke called Ben who I chatted to on and off all evening. I couldn’t say the same for Kate’s boyfriend, Steve. Describing him as mind numbingly boring wouldn’t come close. I cut his voice off after round three of how to make the most of a bumper crop of courgettes by repetitively singing Ed Sheeran’s latest song in my head.

Abi’s bouncy laughter caught the crowd like an infectious yawn. People couldn’t help but be taken away by her. She was all front, though. I laughed when she admitted in a quieter group that the threesome she’d offered earlier would be her worst nightmare, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself and would probably end up sitting on the end of the bed awkwardly holding the lube.

She was still so fucking fascinating.

I felt like I had been watching her for years. Her wrists were so small and delicate. I first noticed them when she was deep in thought, a pen often pressed against her lips.

As she twirled her hair around her fingers, I swear to God I was so hard I couldn’t even remember my address. I watched her laughing, her head rolling back offering a fantastic noise, one I hadn’t heard for so long. She sauntered over to the dance floor and wrapped her arms around Elle, whispering in her ear as Elle rubbed circles on her back, knocking the shoulder of Abi’s dress. She pulled away and backed herself further into the dancing crowd.

‘She always was the first on the dance floor while you were always the one on the sidelines looking in,’ I said as I moved over to Elle. She looked up and smiled softly.

‘Holding her bag usually.’

It’s like stepping back in time,’ I sighed.

‘Only it isn’t, is it?’

‘What do you mean?’ I knew full well where this was going. I had a best friend trying to sort out the mess situation on my hands.

‘You’ve been staring at her all night. She’s trying to ignore it, but I’m warning you, she’s had three tequilas, so soon she won’t give a fuck what she’s saying.’

Abi was dancing with a dark haired gonk of a man who was now pressing his hands into her hips. I fought the urge to run over there by imagining his penis on the end of a sharp stick. ‘There are things I need to explain, but I need to find the right time and the right words.’

‘What’s your secret?’ she asked.

‘Elle, I have many.’

‘That doesn’t sound good.’ She drew her arms around her body like she had just felt a chill. ‘You know, I used to be so envious of what you two had.’

I looked to the floor and waited for the guilt to swallow me. ‘Did she tell you about the letter?’

‘Not until recently,’ she sighed. ‘She knows she’s messed up, but in some weird way, she thought that by making you jealous, you would fight for her.’

‘Fuck me.’ What a mess. A mess I didn’t know how to clean up.

We returned our eyes to the dance floor where Abi had her arms around the prick with the shit-eating grin. She darted her gaze back to him when she caught me looking. He smiled and waved at me.

Prick.

‘That’s Rob. They have a thing occasionally.’ Elle eyed me tentatively.

Words. Bile. Floor. Devastation.

‘Thing?’ I asked, my voice getting hooked on my tonsils causing a combination of squeak and gruff.

‘Just a couple of nights of fun, but he wants more.’

‘He can fucking want,’ I gruffly squeaked again, swallowing hard to try to unhook my vocal chords.

‘You have no right to say that, Jamie. You’re contradicting yourself. She’s been hurt too. I’m not saying what she did was right—’

‘It wasn’t right. It killed me thinking she was with someone else. Now I get to watch! Fucking hell, this is sick. I’ve got to get out of here.’

My need for Abi was growing stronger every day. I couldn’t watch another man touching her the way I used to.

‘She does this to punish herself. She used to do it regularly,’ Elle said, drawing her eyebrows together. Before I could ask her what she meant, I was met with Abi and the man I wanted to punch. He dived off to my left, saluting me from the top of his head like a full on bastarding cock. What was she doing with this twat of an excuse?

She hid her smirk behind her hand, and when I followed her hand to that beautiful mouth and down her body, I saw it. Her necklace. Our names. The peeking edge of her collarbone. Fuck, she was the blood in my veins, the beat to my fucking heart.

She dropped her hand and whispered into my ear.

‘You should have joined me. From the way you were watching me, I thought you might.’

Her hand caught my arm—accidentally or on purpose? I wasn’t sure, nor did I give a flying fuck because it ignited everything in me that was dull and tame. She picked up the necklace between her fingers, rubbing them up and down the bar, trailing her thumb lazily over my name. She leant in again, pressing her hand to my cheek. I could smell her perfume; it was pinching memories from the back of my head. ‘I wanted to get a rise out of you, so I wore it especially.’

I caught her hand under mine. ‘You don’t have to do anything to get a rise out of me.’

‘Still?’ she gasped, exposing her neck as her head tipped backwards in shock.

‘Always.’

Before I could even review the heaviness of my words, or think for a second about regretting where this would take us, the cocking twat was back at her side, warily watching us as she removed her hand from my cheek and withdrew herself from me.

‘Pimm’s for the lady.’

Jesus wept, had he stepped off the hills of Wuthering Heights?

‘Still on the Pimm’s?’ I asked, smiling as better times flooded my brain.

‘Old habits die hard.’

‘That they do,’ I mumbled as I threw back my beer in a harsh slug.

I wanted to bite the swell of her breast. Instead, I bit the edge of the beer bottle. It didn't stop the urge. Nothing could.

‘Do you know each other then?’ Cocking twat piped up with a look of confusion on his face.

‘He’s my boss,’ she replied.

‘We’ve known each other forever,’ we said in unison, causing a deeper look of confusion on the bloke’s face until the register of something changed his frown into a knowing grin.

‘Ah, you know each other.’

I was seriously going to punch this guy in the face if he didn’t stop.

‘Rob here wants to be my boyfriend,’ she said on a challenge. Her folded arms and hip-dipping stance gave her away. I ignored her and took another slug of beer. ‘I’m still thinking about what I should do. You see, I’ve been spoilt. I’ve had the best, and once you’ve had the best, no one else quite measures up.’

I ignored her as Rob—fuck, his name was hard to say— eyed her cautiously.

‘Hold that for me?’ She held out her glass, side stepped Heathcliff and pushed Elle in the direction of the ladies’ toilets.

Rob smirked at me like a dick. ‘I saw you watching her.’ His voice lay thick and heavy across my ear. ‘So you’ve been taken in by her charms too? Was it just the once, or did you manage to make it more than that? I’ve got the badge for twice. I’ve been fighting for third time lucky ever since.’

‘I really have no idea what you’re talking about.’ I tried to sound gentle and non-affected.

‘Listen mate—’

‘I’m not your mate.’ I slammed my words into his gut. I was on the last nerve that would catapult me into beast mode. This man had touched her. This twat had explored the places that belonged to me, the places that were stamped bold and clear with my initials not light and barely seen.

‘Listen to me and take every bit of advice I’m going to give you because you wouldn’t like me when I’m pissed off, and I get pissed off when I see people touching my things, so I suggest you back the fuck off and leave her alone.’ I found myself against his chest. I shrugged off his breath in my face and stepped back to find Abi taking in the chivalry that I had no right to parade.

‘What’s going on?’ she said, stepping towards me and further away from him.

‘Always good to have a healthy bit of competition,’ twatface said.

‘Fucking shut your mouth!’ I shouted, the words crashing out of me with no thought or concept of how wrong this was on so many levels. I stepped forward on shut and Abi stepped forward on mouth, and there we stood with her hand on my chest and a huge frown across her beautiful face.

‘Jamie, will you just stop!’ she yelled out over the music. I suddenly remembered that I was there as the new team manager to get to know my staff and set a good example, but I was now having an emotional—leaning towards violent—breakdown in front of all of them. Even the agency social worker I’d had a very productive supervision with earlier today was eyeing me warily from behind his pint glass.

I hung my head in shame but clasped my fingers around her perfectly delicate hand on my chest, squeezing tightly as we intertwined our fingers so that I could feel the pulse in her little finger.

‘I shouldn’t have come. I’m doing more damage than good,’ I said, still tied between her fingers.

‘I still feel it, Jamie. I know you’re holding back. I know you want me. I can see it,’ she pleaded shakily, moving her body closer and wrapping her hand around the back of my neck. ‘Tell me if I’m wrong. If it’s not what you want. Tell me I’m wrong and we’ll never speak of it again. I’ll stay away. Fuck, I’ll even ask for a transfer.’

‘You won’t!’ I shouted, grabbing her elbows and pulling her away from me. ‘You’ll stay with me. I’m too fucking selfish. I want you near me even if I can’t have you.’

‘Tell me why, you bastard! Tell me what’s happened. What is it?’ She shook with anger and contempt and I couldn’t see her reduced to feeling like she was nothing. I couldn’t stand by and watch her crumple because of me. But I wanted that small piece to remain—the piece of good, the hope she carried and the love she had for me that I knew still burned like a fucking fire.

‘Abi, I have to go,’ I said, holding on to her elbows and crushing her into me. My actions were contradicting my words, but I didn’t care because she had folded herself into me, allowing me to pretend for a few seconds that she was mine again.

‘Please! I don’t care how much you’re going to hurt me. I need to know. I’m hurt enough. This will just add another layer, and I’d rather that than never know.’

I walked her out of the club still cradling her, both of us holding on for dear life, her words shattering me all over again.

‘You think you’re hurt now but that’s nothing. You’re going to hate me and I can’t…I just can’t. I’m not ready to see the hate. I’m not ready to lose you completely,’ I muttered, shaking my way through this almost confession.

Then our world changed. She shot back and pushed my arms away, knocking me backwards. She had a rage I didn’t know existed, and it was all directed at me.

‘You fucking arse! Nearly two years,’ she shouted. ‘Nothing!’ she screamed. ‘Do you know what that does to someone?’ Her whole body trembled and shook. ‘Let me tell you. They don’t live; they exist. They punish themselves. They let themselves get used over and over again.’ She went from wide-open gestures to closed and tight movements before finally wrapping her arms around her body to try to stop the shakes. ‘How could you?’

‘You ended it. Fuck, Abi. I thought you didn’t give a shit about me. I fucking hate this!’

‘You know what I hate?’ she said, slamming her open hand into her chest. ‘I hate that I still want you. I hate that I’m standing here making a total fool of myself because if you told me you wanted me, I’d jump straight back into your arms.’

‘Of course I want you. I’ve never stopped!’ I shouted across to her, hoping she’d take it all in. I rubbed my hand across my neck and looked to the floor before closing my eyes in the hope that her cries would be drowned out in mine and her pained expression would disappear when I opened them again. ‘There’s so much I want to say.’

‘Tell me,’ she said as she gritted her teeth.

‘I can’t. You’ll hate me even more, and I can’t face that.’

She dropped her arms from the tight hug she’d formed around herself and started to laugh with such a hard edge a shiver ran down my neck. ‘Who is she?’ I shook my head and she laughed, a cold, hollow laugh. ‘Why the fuck am I only realising this now? Who. Is. She?’

She screamed it out, and I matched her tone.

‘My wife!’ I fell to the floor and broke down brutally. ‘My fucking wife.’ The cries started to burrow under my skin and my shoulders jerked up and down as the cold, harsh sobs took over. I vaguely remember a gasp. I think I may have heard a splintered wail piercing me and stamping across my scalp. I definitely remember her walking away, sheltered on either side by Elle and Kate, who carried her away from the broken mess kneeling on the floor behind her.