“Jenni?”
I look up and see Bubba standing on the sidewalk. My eyes drift from side to side, seeing if he’s alone. I haven’t spent any time with Bubba, and after what went down with Savannah, I’m not comfortable with him being around me.
After I wipe the non-stop tears from my eyes, I give him a tight smile. “Hey, Bubba. Everything all right?”
Rubbing the back of his neck, he drops his hand. “Yeah, I think. I heard what happened the other day. I’m real sorry about your dog. I wanted to see if there was anything you needed.”
Keith ‘Bubba’ Dawson is a good-looking man. He’s big in stature, but not as big girth wise as some of the other guys. His grin, when he shows it, is lopsided, more boy than man. The few times I’ve seen him smile, it lights up his whole face making his grayish blue eyes sparkle. The close to the skin haircut and trimmed goatee make him look fierce. Very much like a biker.
“I’m okay.” He nods, turning to leave. “Hey, Bubba?”
“Yeah?”
“You can come up here, you know. You don’t need to stay on the sidewalk. I could use the company.”
Gracing me with that lopsided grin, he nods again, heading up to take a seat next to me. “Aren’t you cold?” he asks.
“You’d think, huh? I think I’m too numb to notice.” Once I’d got the kids off to school, I never went back inside. I don’t have the desire to do anything. Not school work or housework. I can’t stand being in the house, not when it feels so empty now that Goober isn’t here.
“I had a cat once. When I was younger before my ma took off. She’d follow me around like a dog. My dad would give me a hard time about how a man shouldn’t have a cat as a pet. ‘Men are big dog people’ he’d tell me, but I didn’t give a shit. My parents barely spoke to me, and never spoke to each other, so the only thing I had was my cat.”
“What was her name?”
He bows his head, smiling to himself. “Kitters.”
“Very manly.” I bite my lip, keeping myself from smiling.
“I know right? My ol’ man never let me live that down. But shit, the name fucking fit so I didn’t care.”
“What happened?”
“She was killed. I think I was nine when it happened.” He looks out towards the street. “Yeah, because Ma took off when I was ten so it had to be when I was nine. The night it happened, there was a huge thunderstorm. Normally she’d sleep in my room, but I think that weather scared her so she hid in the garage. She must have crawled into the dryer to hide and my dad didn’t know it. He shut it the next morning and turned it on. He didn’t think anything of it when he heard the bump. He thought it was my wet sneakers.”
Wow…
“How did you find out?”
“My ol’ man came into my room and told me he killed her, but that she was my cat, so I had to clean up the mess.” He leans back with his hands behind his head, probably still very much in the memory.
“I’m so sorry that happened.”
He drops his hands and leans over, elbows on his knees. “Yeah, that’s life, though. You never know when something or someone you love is gonna cease to exist, but when they do, you gotta keep them alive in your heart. I don’t give a shit that she was just a cat. I’ve never had another pet. Nothing will ever compare to how awesome she was.”
“Yeah, Goob was my first dog. My father didn’t allow us to have animals growing up, though I begged for a pet. Since we didn’t live on much land, I knew that a horse or a sheep was out of the question, although those were my first choices.” I laugh. “Anyway, when I turned thirteen, I used my ‘teen years’ as a great reason why I should be allowed a pet. That I was growing up and needed more responsibilities. I couldn’t believe it when he finally relented–”
“Manipulation at its finest, huh?” he jokes as he nudges me with his shoulder.
“Totally, but I didn’t care. I wanted a pet. There was a family a few streets over who had these mini pinchers. They were cute with all their shiny black and brown fur. I was about to make my choice when this tiny, fluffy fur ball came bounding into the living room. I’d never seen a dog so little and fluffy. He came right up, and jumped on my leg, pulling at my shoestrings. His bark was so sweet. I remember looking down at him and him looking up at me with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. I was a goner.”
“Love at first sight?”
I laughed. “Yeah, it was love at first sight. Funny thing was that it ended as quickly as it began. I think he played me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because once I got him home, the little Goober never once came to me. He never listened to me, and he rarely obeyed. It was like his life’s mission was to tick me off.”
“Is that how he got his name?”
“Well, since there wasn’t any cussing allowed in my house, I couldn’t use the name I would have liked to call him.”
He lets out a big laugh. “You really wanted to call him Shit?”
“The name fit.” I shrugged, finally smiling.
We sit in silence. It’s not awkward, and I don’t feel as if I need to fill the void with small talk. I thoroughly enjoy his company. I wish I would have made more of an effort to get to know him. It seems like a lot of time was lost.
“How are you doing?” I finally ask.
Pursing his lips, he nods. “I’m hanging in there. Some days are harder than others, and I feel like an outcast, but it could be worse.”
“It won’t always be like this, I’m sure.” I try to reassure him.
“I’m not so sure about that. Sin holds on to shit for a long time. Look how long it took him to get over Sienna’s death or his men in his platoon. What I did was fucked up. I don’t give him any grief on how he’s treating me. I would do the same fucking thing.”
“It was scary. The whole situation was scary and could have turned out so much different.”
“Yeah, I get that–I do. But fuck, it does no one any good to constantly live in the past. He’ll forever live with one foot in the past and the other in the present.”
I totally agree. Everyone’s knows that about Sin. But this is something that he needs to get over on his own terms in his own time, and no one is going make him do it any differently. “I see what you’re saying. Words don’t really mean anything, though. You have to prove it to him with your actions. One day he’s going to forgive you.”
“I really hope so. Guilt’s a strong bitch. She’s got her claws dug so deep in me right now that I’m hoping that fucking monkey on my back doesn’t start making noise.” I look over to him, unsure of what he means. He smiles. “What I mean is that the guilt gets to be so strong sometimes that I’d like nothing more to numb it the only way I know how.”
Finally understanding what he means, I place my hand on his arm. “Drugs aren’t the answer. The devil’s strong enough today. He doesn’t need any help from that poison.”
“Jenni!” Roxy yells as she and Ryder walk down the street toward us.
“I better get going.” Bubba stands, leaving without another glance back.