Chapter 28
I step into the hall after they take Katrina back for surgery. The relief I feel is immense and I take a deep breath. The smell of rubbing alcohol and blood fills my nose and my hands begins to shake. I see the lights from the ambulance bay and it’s my undoing. It’s like my feet are embedded in concrete and each step I take toward the waiting room is more difficult than the last. I grip at the wall as I lose my footing, my knees hitting the floor hard. I gasp for air.
Brandon looks at me, my face completely pale, and he runs to my side. “Lennon, can you hear me?” He pulls gloves from his pocket and puts them on before reaching for me.
I grab his arm and hold on for dear life. I can’t breathe. My heart is pounding so hard; I feel like I’m having a heart attack. My other hand clutches my chest.
“You’re ok. Breathe for me.” He wraps the blood pressure cuff around my arm and yells to the nurse’s station. “Someone go out and get his friend from the waiting room. Dr. McKay, I’ve got someone down in the hall.”
I’m being moved from the floor, the room darkening around me. I can hear voices but my vision is worthless. This has only happened a few times in my life. I feel Joshua’s hand on my arm as the room goes black. Sounds are muffled and I’m in a cold sweat.
“His heartrate is elevated and his pressure is sky high. Get him hooked up to an EKG and hang fluids.” Dr. McKay works around me as the light begins to creep back into the corners of my eyes. The nurse puts an oxygen mask on me and my eyes flutter open.
“Panic attack,” I gasp as she begins to place the mask over my face. She stops before securing it over my face.
“If I put this on you, is it going to make it worse?” Her voice is quiet as she stares at me. I shake my head no and she secures it over my mouth. “Try to take some steady breaths for me.”
Joshua is pale at my side. His hand is wrapped around my forearm in a death grip. “I’m here. You’re ok. Katrina and Lorenzo are fine.”
My hands shake and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I know I’m safe. I know where I am. I try to breathe evenly to stop hyperventilating. I listen as the doctor tells the staff to draw blood and page him the minute they come back. The nurses buzz around me with efficiency and I feel like a complete idiot.
I remove the oxygen mask with my trembling hand and look at Joshua. “Sorry.”
He shakes his head. “It’s fine. I understand better than you know. Someday I’ll tell you the story. For now, rest a little. I’ll be here when you get up.”
“Can you call Rach?” I yawn, the adrenaline subsiding and my body starting to crash.
“Already on her way,” he smiles at me. “Everyone’s on the way.”
“It’s Harley’s wedding,” I protest.
“They were on their way the minute they heard about Katrina. She’s family now. You’re freaked out ass is just an added bonus.” He laughs at me as I put my head back down and lift my middle finger.
I close my eyes and flatten my hands on the bed. I let the feel of the sheet ground me. The warm blanket on my legs is heavenly as I allow myself to feel it. I take a big breath, filling my lungs completely for the first time in about five minutes. My eyes are heavy and I drift between sleep and awareness.
“Your psych consult is here,” Joshua rubs my arm and chuckles. “He scared the shit out of me.”
“I’m sure he did. Your call scared me.” Rachel hugs Joshua and moves me my side. Her hand is soft against my forehead. “How you doing, slick?”
I try to smile. My entire body aches. “I feel like an asshole.”
“Seeing Katrina like that must have been very difficult,” she rubs my forehead. “Do you want to tell me about how you felt?”
“It wasn’t that. Seeing all the blood and smelling the alcohol. It reminded me,” I stop and slam my mouth shut. “It was too much I guess.”
“I want you to talk to me.” She sits next to me and takes my hand. “You had a severe panic attack, not just a little anxiety. This wasn’t like what happens on the bus when we travel. This was serious. It’s time to talk so I can help you.”
“I can’t.” My eyes burn. I can’t talk about my past. It’s too difficult. I’m emotionally exhausted.
“You can. Do you want Joshua to leave?” She pushes me and I shake my head. “What were you doing when the attack started?”
I sigh in resignation. “I was walking out to the waiting room. They must have been cleaning out one of the rooms and I could smell the stale blood and the alcohol. It reminded me of being a little boy and I couldn’t catch my breath. I tried to get out to the waiting room but I couldn’t make it.”
“Were you in the hospital as a child?” She has her therapist voice on. Her eyes are clear as she looks at me without judgement.
My eyes fill with tears and I look away. My heart feels like it’s being ripped in two. I shake my head yes and give myself a minute to swallow my emotions. “I was in an accident when I was nine.”
She rubs her hand up and down my arm. “Were you hurt?”
“No. My parents were.” My breath shakes. I haven’t said this out loud for twenty-two years.
“You’re doing great, Chance.” She smiles at me. “How were your parents hurt?”
I feel the first tear hit my cheek. I close my eyes and can still feel everything from that night all those years ago. I fist the sheets in my hands. “It was Christmas Eve and we were driving home from dinner. My aunt was with us for the holidays. I had this remote control boat with me that my mom had let me open early. It was the only thing I wanted that year. She worked extra hours to make sure she could get it for me.”
I remember my mom’s face that afternoon. Her smile lit up her whole face and the love she had for me was written all over it. I had begged to open a present early. She was so proud when I unwrapped it. I wanted to play with it in the small lake behind our house. I hugged her and asked if I could go out and play but we had to go to dinner. My father had promised that he’d take me out back when we got home and we could try it in the water. I took it with me to dinner and held it like if I let go, I’d wake up from the best dream of my life and it would be gone.
“We went to dinner early so my dad and I could play with it before bed. I don’t even remember what we ate that night. We were coming home and it started to rain. I was complaining that we wouldn’t be able to take the boat out. I was so mad at my parents for not letting me play before dinner.”
A sob rips from my throat and Rachel leans into me and holds me. I want it to stop. I just want to forget. Joshua puts his hand on my arm. The love they have for me is just like the love of family. It helps knowing I have the guys in my life. But, nothing can ever take the place of the two people who gave me life and loved me every second they were alive.
“We turned the corner and a dog ran out in front of the car. My dad swerved so he wouldn’t hit it and the road was wet. He lost control and we went off the side of the road. It was a deep ravine and the car was totally out of control. We flipped and the car landed on its side against a tree. The boat came out of my hands and shattered on the dashboard. My dad was thrown out of the car and I never saw him. My aunt was covered in blood. She tried to get me unbuckled. I remember her head was bleeding so hard but she didn’t even seem scared. My mom wasn’t moving at all. The tree was right outside her window. They said she died on impact. By the time the ambulance got there, it was so quiet. The only thing I could hear was the gurgling sound coming from my aunt’s side of the car.”
I remember how eerie the sky looked as the sun set that night. I was stuck in my seatbelt and afraid to look anywhere but out the window. My side was facing the sky. It was so cloudy, the dust and dirt from impact finally settling. I could hear the cars on the road above, their tires wet against the pavement. The frogs and crickets were signing like nothing had happened. It got so dark while I was waiting. I knew everyone was gone. I don’t remember being scared but I do remember how cold I felt. Even after the ambulance picked me up, I was freezing. They asked me all kinds of questions but I just shivered.
“I yelled at them. That’s the last thing they ever heard from me.” I take a deep breath in and blow it out slowly. My shirt is soaked from my tears. “I didn’t get a chance to tell them I loved them. I just whined about the rain and blamed them.”
“I have no doubt they knew how much you loved them.” Rachel wipes her eyes. “You love so completely, even if you don’t know it. The way you love the guys is so apparent in everything you do. I’m sure you showed them love every single day they were alive.”
“They brought me to the hospital. I had my aunt’s blood on me and the nurse used alcohol to get it out from under my fingernails. That night, the police picked me up and took me to a foster home. I never saw my parents again. There was no funeral, no family. One minute, they were here, then they just weren’t.”
“I lost someone once. I know the heartbreak. I may not seem like the most sympathetic person but I’m right here and I always will be if you need me.” Joshua wipes his tears and I realize how healing a good cry can be.
“I haven’t said that out loud before.” I wipe my face. “I have to find a way to forget so I can move on. It’s always there, right under the surface. I want it gone.”
“You won’t ever forget. But, we can work together to make it not so painful. We can find a way to deal with the pain and begin to heal. I want to help you if you’ll let me.” Rachel squeezes my hand. That would be nice. It would be nice not to wake up every morning and think about it.
“I’m willing to try. I don’t want to hurt anymore.” I sigh and give her the best smile I can manage. “I trust you, Rach. I want to start my future with Katrina and I don’t want it laced with heartbreak.”