How could I be so stupid?

I curled myself up in the covers as Parker slept next to me. My mind and my heart came up with this grand scheme that involved alcohol and revenge. Parker apologized to me for what he’d said about my tattoo. He admitted that it made him jealous to think of someone else touching me. That led to me raising my eyebrow and he broke down, crashing to the couch and losing himself. His hands buried in his face, crying.

Actually crying.

Real tears and everything.

We spent the entire night talking. Until after midnight. He told me to sleep in the bed, and he’d sleep on the couch. I told him there was no way in hell I’d ever sleep in that bed again.

So, I slept on the couch.

By morning, he was gone for work, and I felt lazy and confused on the couch. Parker left me a note with some saying about the future being a blank book that we both could write together. And that the pages that were already written—the past—could be ripped out and burned.

It made me roll my eyes that he seriously thought it was just that easy to forget about what he had done.

The same for Abby too.

She texted and wanted to meet for coffee.

It was a terrible idea, but I wanted to see her squirm a little so I agreed to meet her. She wore big black sunglasses and looked like she was hungover. Except she hadn’t been drinking the night before or that early afternoon. She was riddled with guilt. Just like Parker, she cried. And she openly cried, right there in a coffee shop, in front of complete strangers. She begged for my forgiveness. For my understanding. For my friendship. It reminded me of the first time we met. Way back in college, on the first day, when the freshmen were being shuffled around, trying to figure out where to go. She and I walked into each other and dropped all our stuff. We ended up accidentally swapping a couple books and had to swap back. We met for coffee and ended up both crying at how much we hated college and wanted to quit.

That moment led to a long friendship that involved a lot of tears, but never the kind of tears we both spilled as she got to apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend. And every time I half-considered telling her it was okay, I thought those exact words: sleeping with my boyfriend. And those words filled me with this rage that made it hard to contain.

We sat for almost two hours, the last thirty minutes of it in complete silence. The two of us looking out the window. I seriously had no idea what to do. Or how to cope or go forward with anything from here.

When we left, Abby had the nerve to hug me. Her arms went around me, and the only thing I could think of was her body pressed against Parker’s. The feel of her breasts against mine. Those breasts that were exposed for Parker’s pleasure. His hands touching her. Kissing her.

It made me finally snap.

I broke away from Abby and rushed back to the apartment. And that’s when I started to drink. If I didn’t drink, I would have called Zayne. And I wasn’t going to go from one liar to another, back and forth like some dumb woman who never learned her lesson. I was going to get drunk, cry, and then find a way to get over everything.

The whole drunk-and-crying part worked out great. Except I couldn’t stop crying. I even went as far as to strip the bed of all the covers and pillow cases. I threw them all into the shower and dumped an entire bottle of shampoo on them and ran the shower for a good thirty minutes. The smell of flowers and lavender filled the bathroom as suds collected. It washed away whatever I thought was in the blankets and sheets, but not in my heart.

I put fresh sheets on the bed.

I told myself tonight I was going to sleep in the bed. And Parker would sleep on the couch.

Take that, you fucking loser. You stupid, cheating loser.

I was huddled up in the chair in the living room when Parker came home. He had the same defeated look on his face. He tossed his stuff to the corner and sat on the far end of the couch, staying away from me.

When we looked at each other, it was just…pain.

So, I asked him a loaded question. “How did things get so fucked up?”

That question led to him asking if he could have a drink with me. And before I knew it, we were drinking, talking, yelling, crying, and then…

He was on top of me.

We somehow kissed. Just once. And then the idea came to me. I wanted to screw Parker so hard and so good that he’d forever hate himself for what he did to me. The idea instantly became an obsession, fueled by the booze, which always seemed to make bad ideas seem good.

We ripped each other’s clothes off. Parker kissed me, walking me back to the bedroom. I tried to throw my legs around him a few times, but he didn’t pick me up. I had to face it, I wasn’t sure he actually could pick me up. Not like Zayne. Not the way he just grabbed me and…

I had to force Zayne out of my head more than once.

But I had him. Meaning Parker. He was there. On top of me. In the bed. My bed. Our bed. I clawed at his back even though it didn’t feel all that good. It was just…us. The way it used to be.

As fast as it started, it was over.

He rolled to his side.

I rolled to my side.

And sleep washed over me.

How could I be so stupid?

The question hit me again, and the entire night played out all over again. For all that I drank, I wasn’t feeling sick or in pain at all. Maybe I was just in shock. Maybe I was just numb.

Parker started to stir and I hurried to fake sleep.

I listened as he got out of the bed. He reached for me and touched my shoulder.

Then I heard the sound of the door open and close.

I rolled onto my back again and looked at the clock. It was almost six in the morning. I had no idea what time we had gone to bed.

Was this going to be the rest of my life?

I ran my hands down my body and wasn’t sure how to feel. Stupid was the first word that came to mind, but maybe that wasn’t exactly the case. If things were going to work themselves out…

I shut my eyes.

Is that what I want?

I sighed and threw the covers off me. I was wearing nothing but a bra and panties. I couldn’t find my clothes on the floor, so I dug clothes out of my bag. Not really pajama material, but I wasn’t going to have an awkward conversation with Parker while wearing nothing but bra and panties.

I exited the bedroom and hoped to smell coffee. But I didn’t smell anything.

But I heard Parker’s voice.

“Hey, hey, hey, just take it easy for a second,” he said in a low voice.

I crept down the hallway a little.

“Abby, listen to me.”

I stopped in my tracks. I stood in the middle of the hallway and could partially see the right side of Parker’s bare body as he sat at the table.

“I know what you’re thinking. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for all of us, Abby. The three of us are in this mess.”

My nostrils flared.

Why was he talking to her?

“I’m trying to take care of everyone here.”

My heart pounded.

“You know what I told you before, Abby,” Parker said. “I love her. I love Bella.”

I started to smile.

Maybe this wasn’t the worst…

“I love you too, though,” Parker said. “I love Bella differently. It’s a time-thing, okay? We were together for so long it’s hard to just stop that.”

What?

“I swear though, about the way I feel about you. I know we shouldn’t have let things go on as long as they did without talking to Bella first. It was stupid to put ourselves in a position for her to find us the way she did. But with her here now…it’s nothing. I promise, Abby. It’s nothing.”

I felt sick.

I slowly stepped back, over and over.

Until I got to the bedroom.

I thought about what to do next. I could strip down to my bra and panties and pretend like nothing ever happened. Or I could kick Parker right in the balls.

He didn’t just mess around with Abby once. This had been going on for a while. I just got lucky enough to catch them.

Lucky enough.

I didn’t take any of my clothes off. Instead, I sat on the edge of the bed. I looked at my bags. They were still packed.

If I left again, I wasn’t going to come back.

Or maybe…

I hurried over to my bags and tossed them to the bed. Then I went to the closet and grabbed even more clothes.

Then I grabbed my cell phone.

I couldn’t believe what I was about to do.

There was no way he was going to answer…

“Bella?” the sexy, rough voice said through my phone after just the first ring.

“Zayne?”

“Bella. Are you okay?”

“No,” I said.

“What’s wrong?”

I looked at the door. Parker was sitting out there talking to Abby on the phone. Talking about their affair. Their relationship.

“I’ll do it,” I said.

“Do what?” Zayne asked.

“I’ll go to the wedding with you.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I’ll go to the wedding.”

“Bella…I shouldn’t have-”

“Shut up, Zayne,” I said. I swallowed hard. “Here’s the thing…I’m going to go to the wedding with you…but you’re going to do something for me…”