Vaughn
I stare into the mirror with four days’ worth of scruff on my face. I’m a fucking mess and I’m contemplating calling out again tomorrow. I haven’t done my exercises in days, and my lack of sleep goes to show they work, but it doesn’t matter now. Nothing does. I grab two aspirin from the cabinet, pop them into my mouth, and swallow them down with my beer. It’s after five somewhere, right?
Plopping down on my couch, I glance around my living room. It’s a mess again, and I hate living in a mess, but I have no desire to clean, either. The only thing I’ve done outside of eat, drink, and sleep, is take Brody out to use the bathroom. There’s dog hair all over the place, and he’s sitting at my feet with a sad look on his face. “Welcome to my world, buddy. Welcome to my world.” I pat the top of his head. He jumps up onto the couch and rests on my lap. I chug my beer, lay my head back on the couch, and close my eyes while I rest my legs on my coffee table. Fuck, I’m so tired.
Change the way you think about sleep, I tell myself. Sleep is okay, nothing bad will happen in your sleep, it’s just a way to rest your body. The fuck—that’s so far from the truth. Horrible things happen in my sleep. Trucks blow up in my sleep, I lose men in my sleep, and I lose the only woman I’ve ever loved in my sleep. If I can’t have her, then I want no one. I open my eyes one more time, but they’re heavy. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to see the look of devastation that was on Brooke’s beautiful face the day I blew it, but I can’t fight anymore. My lids close, and there’s her gorgeous blue eyes, her silky blonde hair, and her brilliant smile. She whispers to me I loved you, Vaughn. Loved, as in past tense.
I jump up, panting. Brody’s at the door barking, and there’s pounding on my door. Brody barks louder. “Brody, stop.” He comes running back over to me.
“Open the fuck up.” I hear a voice from the other side of the door. I can’t quite make out the voice between the fog in my head and the solid door—it’s muffled. Whoever it is, they’re determined, pounding again. “We know you’re in there. Open this fucking door or I’ll bust it down.” Fuck. Now I know who it is.
“Go the fuck away, man,” I shout through the door.
“No. Open up.”
“No.”
“Callen, you have your key?” Remy asks him. Fuck, he has Callen with him. I hear him putting the key into the lock. I gave Callen a key when I first moved off base in case I ever locked myself out or he needed to get in for anything. It’s come in handy because he’s taken Brody out for me when I’ve needed him too. The door opens, and when they get their first glimpse of me, their eyes go wide. Yeah, yeah, I’m a mess. If you’re here to judge, you can go fuck yourself. Brody barks, jumping up and down…he’s full of excitement.
“Hey, boy.” Callen pets him trying to calm him down.
“I think my dog is happy to see you.” I take a pull from my beer and walk back to my couch, plopping myself down in the center of it, spilling beer on my naked chest. It causes me to laugh.
“I don’t think this funny.” Remy walks over and takes a seat. “This place is a mess, you’re fucking drunk at ten a.m., and you smell like dirty ass.”
“I may be drunk, but I don’t remember inviting you over.” I finish my beer and put it with the others on the coffee table. I watch Callen put a leash on Brody and take him to the backyard. He thinks he’s so smart, I took him out a little while ago. Remy glares at me with an angry look on his face. “What’s your problem?”
His brows shoot up. “My problem is you promised me if shit got out of control you’d come to me. I don’t fucking call this coming to me.”
I laugh. “Let me guess. Your sister ran to you and told you she’s worried and you needed to come check on me.” I use a baby voice.
“Listen, you fuck. My sister is worried about your sorry ass. She wants to help you and support you, and you fucking pushed her away.”
I get up and start pacing the room. I run my hands through my hair, I’m losing control. “I’m not one of her animals that she can fucking heal. I told her I was broken.” I’m seething.
“So did you lie to her when you told her the self-coaching was helping?”
“No!” I shout at him. “It was helping.”
Callen comes back in with the dog. “Brody, go lay down, boy.” He runs off to the other side of the room and collapses on the floor. My loyal dog won’t go too far from my side. “Dude, your dog just pissed like he’s been holding it for days.”
“Bullshit. I think…I just walked him what, a few hours ago.” Callen raises his brows, questioning me. “I don’t know what time it was.” I shake my head. “My days are all running together.”
“That’s the lack of sleep,” Remy barks at me.
My head whips around to meet his glare. “Thanks, Captain Fucking Obvious.”
He jumps up from the seat. “First, if you’re going to be a dick, I’ll remind you I’m a fucking major. Second, we’re not leaving until you pull your head out of your ass, so the way I see it, you have two options. You can talk to us and tell us what went wrong and we’ll figure it out together, or you can have us up your ass all fucking day long, because I know how you feel about my sister, and losing her permanently isn’t an option.”
“I need a beer.”
“Oh no, you’re done drinking for now.” Remy steps in front of me. My fists clench at my sides. “Before you even think about swinging, remember I’m an officer, and it doesn’t matter if I’m in your home, the charges are the same.” I scream out, not knowing how else to exert my frustration. Brody jumps up and starts barking like crazy. Callen has to run to him and calm him down. I bend over with my hands on my knees, panting. “You can scream and shout all you want, man, but we’re not leaving. We’re your boys, and you’re going to get through this. You’ve hid this and carried the weight of whatever is bothering you for long enough. It’s time to get help. I’m personally bringing you to meet my doctor tomorrow morning. Your commander already knows.”
“You spoke to my commander?” My eyes go wide, I’ve never even mentioned a sleeping problem to my commander. I’ve always hid it and hid it well. I don’t know whether I should be angry or thankful that he finally knows.
“Yes, first thing this morning. I have to say he’s quite surprised. You’ve hid this well up until now. He said only recently he started becoming concerned, and when you called out on Friday he was planning to talk to you tomorrow. He’s glad we’re stepping in.”
I look to the floor. “What if I don’t want to go to this doctor?”
“Then you’ll have to deal with your commanding officer, but I’m pretty sure you won’t like what he has to say.” He’s softened his voice.
I sigh. “I fucked up, bad.”
“Maybe so, but it’s not too late to fix it.” Callen comes over and touches my shoulder.
When I look up, my eyes are welling with tears. He pulls me in and I lose it. “I don’t want to lose her, but I panicked. I couldn’t let her see how weak I was, and that’s how these fucking exercises make me feel, embarrassed and fucking weak.” I pull away, taking a seat back on the couch with my elbows on my knees. I rub my forehead, silently begging my headache to go away.
“Dude, there’s nothing weak about you, and you should be proud of yourself. You took steps to better yourself without any professional help, and it was working. I don’t get why you stopped.”
I puff out my cheeks, exhaling a huge, cleansing breath. “I freaked out. I knew I had been telling Brooke that the exercises were working, and that meant she was going to want to spend the night. At first I was thrilled. I was even going to plan a romantic night for us. I was planning to make her a nice dinner and everything.”
“Okay?” Callen has a look of confusion on his face.
“How romantic is it to say ‘Excuse me, Angel, I have to do my sleep exercises before we can make love,’ or ‘thanks for making love to me, but now I have to go meditate’? I was going to sound like a fool and ruin our first night together. Of course I had the option of skipping the exercises and scaring the shit out of her with a nightmare because I didn’t do them. That’s always a great welcome back to my bed moment.”
“Sorry, man. I didn’t think about any of that, but you realize this woman loves you and would do anything to help you.” Callen’s voice is full of sincerity.
“I don’t know. Once I screwed up I didn’t know what to do. The hurt on her face has haunted my sleep ever since. I’m not sure I can ever fix this, and I’m not sure I blame her.” Another tear runs down my cheek.
“Listen, Vibe. She wouldn’t have come to me for help if she didn’t love you or want to fix things with you. It was a tough thing for her to do. She gave you time and you weren’t getting better on your own. She did what she thought was right for you, not her. Trust me, I was livid when she told me, and she knew I would be. She was just wrong about the reason why I was angry. I’m not mad because you hurt her feelings…well, I am…but that’s not what made my blood boil. You promised me you would come to me, and you broke that promise.”
I look down again, no longer able to look one of my best friends in the eye. “I’m sorry, man. I was afraid to tell you how badly I had behaved, and I was embarrassed by it. I acted like a fool to my girlfriend in front of my crew, and I’ve been a dick ever since.” I sniffle and wipe away more tears.
“You have, but you know what? Your crew, they’re all worried too. We’ve talked about it. I didn’t tell them everything, but I’ve told them enough. You owe them an apology, but get your shit together and they’ll be there for you just like they were before.” I nod my head at Callen, not sure what else to say.
“Here’s how this is going to go down.” Remy gets up from his seat. “The two of us are going to help you clean this pit up, and then I’m going to spend the night right here on this couch. Tomorrow morning, I’ll follow you to the doctor’s office and get you settled. From there, everything will be left up to the doctor.”
My eyes shoot up to his. “I’ll start my exercises again tonight. That guy cannot hospitalize me. I’ll go crazy in there.”
“I don’t think he’s going to do that, but it’s up to you. You have to be honest with him and tell him everything. You can’t hide it like you did after your last deployment.”
“I got it.” My voice is rough.
“Good, let’s clean up this mess.” I stand up from the couch. Remy grabs my hand and pulls me in for a hug. “You’re going to be all right, man.”
“Thanks. I’m sorry,” I say past the lump in my throat fighting back my tears.
He pulls away. “It’s all good. I’ve been there.”
I nod. “Hey, do you mind if I shower first? I think it’ll help me feel better.”
“Sure, just let me take a piss first.”
“I have two bathrooms.”
“You do, and I was trying to be discreet, but since that didn’t work I’ll tell you upfront. I don’t trust you, so I’m going to remove all razors and pills from your bathroom.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head. “Go for it.” Remy walks off to the bathroom. Brody sits by the back door. “Callen, will you hook my dog up?”
“You got it, man.” He walks over to the drawer with his leash and takes him out again for me. I’ve really fucked this up even with my dog. He’s tries to wake me up from these nasty nightmares, no matter how much I’ve ignored him and now I need to make it up to him too.
“You’re good to go, man.” Remy comes back into the living room and starts cleaning up.
I thank him again and walk off to my bathroom. Turning on the water as hot as I can take it, I climb in and let out a good sob. I haven’t cried this hard ever, but I lean with my arm on the shower wall and really let it all out. I cry for the guys I’ve lost or have gone home with missing limbs, I cry for my girl because of the pain I’ve caused her, and I cry for myself because I was too stupid to get help sooner. I feel like I’ve been here forever, but when I finally have no tears left, I wash my body and jump out to get dressed. If I don’t get my ass in gear, Remy’s going to come bursting through this door, and I don’t need to worry them more than I already have. I slip on a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt. When I get back to the living room, the guys have already collected a bag of trash and put it by the back door. I grab the vacuum from the hall closet to clean up all of Brody’s dog hair. As soon as that’s done, I load my dishwasher, run it, and then wipe down my sink.
“Are you good?” Callen asks.
“Yeah, I’m good, and it’s not like the Major is going to let me out of his sight.” I chuckle.
“You fucking got that right,” he busts my balls.
Callen slaps me on the back. “I’m going to update our commander and I’ll see you tomorrow after your appointment.” I silently nod and then thank him again. He leaves me with Remy.
“I’m going to take Brody out back for a bit. I owe him some time.” My voice is low and my eyes are welling with tears that I’m trying to hold back.
“Go. I’ll be here.”
He stands in the door watching me throw a ball around with my dog. Brody is thrilled to chase after it and quickly brings it back to me. I laugh, watching as his face is full of joy. He comes running at me and jumps, but I’m not expecting it. He knocks me to the ground and starts licking my face. “Down, boy.” He doesn’t listen, he’s so excited he continues licking me and I can’t help but laugh. “Oh, I’m sorry, boy.” I pet his head, and as if he understands my apology, he climbs off me and I throw the ball again. I look over to see Remy smiling at me from the door. He walks off and I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to call Brooke. I’m still sitting on the ground when Brody comes back over with the ball. “I miss her, boy.” Brody drops the ball and barks. I toss it again and he runs off. I need to figure out how to fix things with her but I want to make sure I’m solid first. I become so deep in thought thinking about her, I don’t notice Brody come back with the ball. I throw it again, and then place my head in my hands. “Do I call her and let her know I’m working on it and I’m always thinking about her?” I whisper to myself.
“Probably a good place to start.” I jump.
“Holy shit. I didn’t hear you come out.”
“I know. I saw you on the ground and thought you might need me.”
I get up. “Come, Brody.” He comes running over and my stomach growls. I haven’t eaten much of anything over the last few days.
“It’s a good thing I’ve ordered some pizza. Come on. It should be here any minute.” I thank him and then thank god for giving me amazing friends.