I put on my sunglasses for disguise and also to enable me to really stare without him or his companion noticing. From my vantage point I couldn’t see who he was talking to, and he hadn’t yet seen me, but my heart began hammering against my chest. Oh God, I’d come all the way here from my hotel and was now on his side of Sydney, he might think I was stalking him!

I didn’t know what to do – should I get up quickly, gather my things and rush off? Or should I style it out at the risk of looking like a twisted psycho? If I took my sunglasses off now he would know it was me, and I really wasn’t ready to see Saffron, if she was with him. Perhaps she was back from Perth already?

I stayed very still, not moving, just letting my eyes follow him behind my sunglasses and waiting for the babymother to appear in my eyeline. Throughout everything that had happened, I’d found it hard to think of Saffron. I tried not to dwell on how young and beautiful she’d be. I knew Dan loved me and didn’t doubt that, but like any woman, I wasn’t completely secure about my looks, or my forty-six-year-old body. I didn’t want to think too much about the thirty-something, firm-thighed babymother in my boyfriend’s life. I certainly wasn’t ready for the family tableau that was about to set up on the beach several feet away from me. As I looked on in my floppy sunhat and dark glasses, shuffling slightly in my sunlounger, I knew any minute now that woman was going to wander down the beach, a slinky-hipped dusky-skinned sun goddess who didn’t know the meaning of eye bags, cellulite or mottled flesh. But she was about to witness it in all its glory.

I lay awkwardly, trying to see without being seen, and trust me, I was no spy. I had one foot in the sand to steady myself and one up on the lounger in an attempt to keep it balanced. I’d always had a thing for sunloungers – they represented such glamour in films and magazines: the beautiful, bronzed film star/model, gleaming limbs, pouting lips, sunglasses lowered slightly beneath lapping lashes. Sadly, I’d never achieved this ‘look’ and the only time I’d ever mastered the art of just sitting on one was if someone else held it down as I landed. Over the years they’d thrown me in the air, folded me in half and hurled me onto sand with no warning, usually just as I was dropping off. I’d already been ‘man overboard’ that morning when I’d whiffed the salty golden promise of fish and chips being carried past me by an unsuspecting child. Keen to follow the delicious smell, I’d turned rather abruptly, causing the sunbed to capsize and the child to scream, assuming some woman was about to rugby-tackle her for her lunch. After much apologising and explaining to her bemused but slightly concerned mother that I wasn’t trying to fight her kid for chips, all was good. But one false move and it can be curtains for any kind of beach-body glamour, as I was proving now, straddling the bloody thing like it was a bucking bronco while trying to be discreet.

Dan was now setting up camp with his baby only feet away, far too close for comfort as I waited and waited for Saffron to appear with her no doubt heartbreakingly beautiful body. But her gorgeousness was the least of my problems. As I’d banged on about us both needing time and space, it would look weird me sitting here apparently on the exact spot where he came to sunbathe. I felt so stupid. I would look like such a weirdo stalker if he saw me, so I waited until he was about to take the baby from the pushchair to make my escape. As he picked her up, he kept talking and I realised, to my great relief, he wasn’t speaking to Saffron or any other adult – he was speaking to Clover. And suddenly, in spite of being in the wrong place, I was melting slightly at the sound of his voice, gentle and loving, the Dan I knew. I caught snatches of the conversation – he was telling his baby daughter how he learned to surf on this beach. I smiled at the sweetness of him: this baby couldn’t even sit up yet and here he was, telling her all about how he and her uncle were permanently in the water growing up. I wondered how he was really coping after his brother’s death; he kept it in, but I knew it cut deep.

‘You’re going to be just the same, Clover,’ he said, ‘a little water baby.’ He held her in his arms, looking from her face up to the great expanse of white foam rising up above the beach. And as much as I wanted to grab my things and run away, my feet wouldn’t let me, my whole body was arguing with my mind. My heart was saying, ‘Stay a while, watch him, we don’t know what’s going to happen – he doesn’t know you’re here, enjoy this moment. Look at that gorgeous baby, she’s just like a dark-haired version of him.’

I was trying to dig the leg of the sunlounger into the sand while observing this poster of fatherhood and, at the same time, imagining what our child might have looked like. But losing focus for a moment, I pushed too far into the sand and, like a dog burying a bone, I found myself going too deep, too soon. I tried to grab onto the sunlounger next to me for balance, but that tipped and before I knew it, I was face down with the bloody thing on top of me. I instinctively screamed with surprise and within seconds several people had run over to see if I was okay. I insisted I was, and willed them to bugger off because they were drawing attention to me, and I could see from under my sunglasses, now skewed as they’d hit the deck, that Dan was glancing over at the kerfuffle.

I then saw a look of recognition on his face, while fighting off some man who was trying to lift me up off the sand.

‘Thank you, but I’m fine,’ I was saying as Dan approached, holding Clover, to see me being mauled by well-meaning strangers.

‘Faye, is that you?’

I was desperately clambering to get up without help and I was painfully aware he was addressing my upturned arse. It wasn’t a look I’d planned.

‘I’m fine, really…’ I was insisting to all the do-gooders, who apparently came out of the woodwork here the minute a girl tripped slightly. ‘I haven’t had a heart attack, I just fell off my sunlounger,’ I said with some force.

‘You certainly seem to be attracting the crowds…’ he laughed.

I nodded, wiping sand from my face, which had stuck to the suncream – I must have looked like a bloody sand sculpture.

‘What are you doing here anyway?’ he asked.

‘I’m looking… I mean, I’m watching the sea. Not you, I wasn’t stalking you or anything… I wasn’t looking at you. I hadn’t even noticed you… Oh, it’s you, there you are,’ I said, nonsensically. ‘I came to see the beach, not you or your baby’s mum, so don’t even think that.’

‘I wasn’t.’ He seemed vaguely amused. ‘I didn’t mean what are you doing here? I just didn’t think you’d want to sunbathe – you said you were going to see the sights, The Opera House and…’

I straightened out my sunlounger and stood near it; I wasn’t letting that bucking bronco beat me again.

‘Yeah, yeah, I did. And I have, but I just wanted a day on the beach and you’d told me all about the pavilion,’ I waved behind me in the general direction, trying to hold in my stomach as I spoke, ‘… and the waves like skyscrapers…’

He stood there, holding the baby, just looking at me, and I looked at him and for a moment it felt like the sea stopped moving and everyone around us was still.

‘I’m touched that you remember,’ he finally said. ‘But you never called me… You should have called me and we could have come here together.’

‘You know why I haven’t called you, I want you to have the chance to work out what you’re doing without me being around.’

‘But I like you being around.’

‘So, this is Clover?’ I said, keen to move on. It didn’t feel appropriate yet for either of us to be saying nice things to each other. I wanted to be sure that he was sure and that everything was settled with Saffron before anyone declared undying love.

‘Yeah, this is my baby girl.’ He turned her towards me and I looked into this perfect little face with huge brown eyes.

‘She’s beautiful,’ I said, feeling a little catch in my heart. I fell easily for babies, but this one was special: she was Dan’s baby. I gently stroked her soft, warm cheek and suddenly felt a deep pang for what might have been and what never could be.

‘Would you like to join us?’ he asked, gesturing over to the ‘baby camp’ he’d set up.

‘Oh no… Thanks, I have to get off, I’m meeting someone,’ I lied, pointing vaguely up the beach. I wasn’t ready to sit there playing happy families, I felt like the other woman. The interloper. I just didn’t belong here.

He seemed disappointed that I wasn’t staying and shrugged without taking his eyes from mine.

‘So… I’d better go…’ I said, gesturing again up the beach in an attempt to make it look like I had somewhere to go. So we said awkward goodbyes, no hugs, no kisses, and I just picked up my bag, wrapped my sarong around me while still holding in my stomach and smiled, wandering away. I suddenly realised that as well as leaving my upturned sunlounger and scattered towels, I’d also stupidly left my flip-flops but rather than go back for them, I just kept walking. I’d made my exit, I couldn’t go back, so I tried in vain to walk straight and smoothly on the hot sand. I wanted him to see flowing blonde hair and a smooth glide on brown legs, but I may have yelped and jerked a little. And I was horrified when he turned up at my side, Clover in one arm, my flip-flops in the other.

‘You forgot your thongs,’ he said, and I thanked him, popped them on and set off again, smiling and waving and holding my stomach in – all at the same time. He was standing there watching me go and I felt awkward. I was a mess, I didn’t know what to do. Eventually, when I hoped it was safe, I glanced back, but he was now involved with Clover – I’d almost forgotten that you can’t concentrate on anything for long with a baby in your arms. I was thinking about his face as I waltzed up the beach, then realised to my horror I’d left my purse, with money in it!

‘Christ,’ I muttered to myself, as I gave a sideways glance back, just as he looked up at me in the distance. He waved and I waved again – I couldn’t go back there now, I just had to keep walking and hope that by the time I returned to the scene of the crime he’d gone – and my purse hadn’t. He wouldn’t stay out in this heat too long with a tiny baby anyway, so I walked for another ten minutes, then slowly headed back.

As I approached the area where I’d been sitting, I could see he was still there. The touching silhouette of a man holding his baby, the sun high in the sky, against a wave wall of turquoise sea. He hadn’t seen me, but if I turned and left, he might see me walking away and that would look weird – he’d really think I was stalking him then.

When I arrived at my sunlounger, I checked to see my purse was still there, which it was, thank God, and saw Dan was busy with Clover. I reckoned I could stay a while and just look at them discreetly from behind my sunglasses. It was a little creepy of me, I’ll admit, but as a new family had now settled on the beach between us, I didn’t think he’d be able to see me straight away, and he had his hands full with Clover. So I watched as he played with her and I tried really, really hard not to fall in love with him all over again. I wanted him, but did I want what he now brought with him? I watched as he attempted to extricate her blanket from the wheel of the pushchair, and in doing so nearly planted her face down in the sand. This made me agitated and I had to stop myself from shouting ‘Be careful!’ I tried not to look, but had no choice; I so desperately wanted to help, but he would be so weirded out if he thought I’d come back unannounced and was observing like some obsessed psycho. I wasn’t. Honestly.

I watched as he sat staring up into the sun, and continued to talk to his baby, whose sunhat had now fallen off and the mother in me was taking over from the obsessed psycho and becoming even more anxious. I tried to look away, told myself it was none of my business, this was Dan and Saffron’s baby, not mine – but my eyes dragged me back. He was now juggling with a bottle of baby milk in one hand and Clover dangling in the other. This guy who could ride the highest waves, climb treetops, jump into streams, and even make the lightest sponge wasn’t quite as dexterous with a baby. From my discreet vantage point, disguised behind floppy hat and sunglasses, I saw he’d just dripped milk onto the baby’s now sun-exposed head. I was itching to just go over there and take Clover off him, like some TV supernanny, and tell him exactly where he was going wrong. But that would be even weirder than me silently stalking from my wobbly sunlounger, wouldn’t it? Then I spotted that thing all mothers know only too well – an induction into motherhood that happens swiftly and without warning: projectile vomit.

As this babycare car crash unfolded, I could see his helplessness and, sensing danger for the baby, suddenly found myself up and over the hot sand and by his side, beckoning assertively with my arms and shouting, ‘Dan, Dan, give her to me!’

He’d just been surprised by the trajectory of vomit on his chest and shoulders and was now even more surprised to see me lurching over him and demanding he hand me his baby. I felt like some sinister Mary Poppins, turning up out of nowhere, but I couldn’t help myself.

The vomit was now congealing on his T-shirt, the baby was screaming, and there was milk everywhere.

Wordlessly, I gestured again for him to hand me the screeching Clover and he looked from me to her and lifted her up to me. I took her, and at the same time grabbed a muslin square that was in the storage part of the pushchair.

‘Oh, I wondered why Saff had left those in the buggy,’ Dan said, standing up. ‘Now I know.’

Clover had stopped crying, and was looking up at me, her eyes trying to focus, as I automatically rocked her gently. Dan wiped himself down and headed for the water to wash away the baby detritus as Clover and I looked at each other.

‘Well, you picked your timing, didn’t you?’ I said to her, losing myself in her big brown eyes. It’s a cliché to say rosebud mouth, but that’s just what it was, a little pink rosebud. It reminded me of Emma when she was a baby – the tiny, upturned nose, the unbelievable lightness when you lifted her from her cot. And the unbelievable heaviness of a full nappy, I reminded myself, trying to focus less on the wonderful bits and remember just how hard this baby journey was.

‘How did you do that?’ Dan’s voice suddenly cut into my thoughts.

I looked down. ‘I’ve done it before,’ I smiled.

‘Sit with us,’ he suddenly said. ‘I want you to get to know Clover.’

That’s what I was scared of. I was already beginning to feel that connection, where you want to protect them from anything and everything. I was perimenopausal, not maternal, how on earth was this happening? I couldn’t let myself fall for her, she wasn’t mine to love.

‘I won’t sit with you, if you don’t mind. But I think she’s too warm, you need to get her out of the heat for a bit.’ I was feeling her forehead, looking around for somewhere he could take her under shade.

‘Oh right, but she’s got cream on,’ he said, like that was all she needed. ‘Factor sixty, total sunblock,’ he offered.

‘Yeah, that’s great, but it won’t keep her cool. It doesn’t matter how much sunblock you put on, you have to be aware of a baby’s temperature.’

‘Oh, Saff said to find somewhere sheltered, but I thought she was fussing.’

‘Well, she wasn’t,’ I said, hating her and envying her and agreeing with her all at once, this woman I’d never even met. ‘There’s more to having a baby than sitting her on a beach, telling her all about your surfing prowess,’ I smiled.

‘How long have you been watching?’ he said, smiling.

‘Watching, me? I wasn’t… I’m not some stalker, I just caught sight of you as I… Look, it was long enough to know you needed rescuing. Just get her in the shade so you’re not in trouble if Saffron turns up,’ I said, pointing to a coffee shop in the distance.

‘Saffron’s not here, she’s in Perth, remember? It’s my time with Clover.’

‘Oh well, whatever,’ I said like it didn’t matter – when it so did. I was just double-checking.

‘I can’t get all her stuff and carry her too,’ he said. ‘Will you come with us to the coffee shop so I don’t drop her?’

I knew he was just saying this to make me go with him. Thing is, I really wanted to hold her a bit longer. I liked the feel of her babyness, the smell of suncream and soap – I also wanted to look into his eyes. So against my better judgement, I agreed to help him.

I set off quickly with Clover, keen to get her out of the sun as soon as possible, effortlessly picking up my bag, sunglasses and guidebook, and throwing my towel under my free arm along the way. I’d got this. I held her gently, she was so precious, and I looked at her again, marvelling at her perfection, her lightness. It seemed like yesterday that Emma and Rosie had been as tiny as this.

Dan followed us with the buggy and baby paraphernalia and in the few minutes it took to walk to shelter, I felt a rush of love and nostalgia. It surprised me to feel such strong emotions. And had I been younger and things had been different, Clover might have been mine. I’d always wanted another child, but it had never happened again for me and Craig, because babies just turn up sometimes – or not. As a mother of one you only get to do things once, and because it’s your first time the worry smothers much of the joy. But a second child, or a grandchild, comes along and shows you just what you missed, and holding this little one was making me miss my own.

Arriving at the coffee shop, the air con like cool water on our faces, I sat with Clover in my arms and waited for Dan. It was odd to see him earlier, the free-spirited surfer boy now a slightly fretting father. But his smile when he saw her, that wide-open dimpled sunshine smile as he looked into her face, almost broke my heart.

‘Daddy’s here,’ I said, surprised at the tears springing to my eyes. The tenderness in his voice, the softness in his face – this was a Dan I’d never seen before and it was quite lovely. No more carefree drinking, no more running away, I thought, as he touched her cheek and asked about her temperature. ‘She’s cooler now,’ I said, touching her forehead. ‘But this is a completely new look for you,’ I smiled, pulling out a chair for him as he returned with the buggy, almost running over a woman’s sandalled feet before parking it awkwardly.

‘Yeah,’ he laughed, taking out more muslin squares and putting one on his head. ‘The ladies love the whole dad image,’ he said, modelling it.

‘I’m sure they do,’ I laughed as he wiped his face with it, then offered the now-sweaty square to me.

‘No, thanks,’ I smiled. ‘Do you really think either me or Clover would want that after you’ve wiped your hot grimy face with it?’

He looked at it and laughed, slightly breathlessly, obviously tired from pushing the buggy in the heat.

‘You’ve got erm… some sick on your… chest,’ he said, vaguely pointing in the direction of my left breast.

‘Not quite the look I was after,’ I laughed. ‘I think there’s a definite theme developing for me on this Sydney trip, isn’t there, Clover sweetie?’ I said gently into her face. I swear she smiled at me. ‘Dan, look… she smiled,’ I said.

‘Yeah, you’re a baby whisperer, Faye. I can’t get her to be quiet like that once she starts that screeching thing.’

‘You’re a new dad and babies can often sense the panic. It makes them panic,’ I said, unable to take my eyes from her.

Dan’s phone was now ringing: ‘Oh shit, it’s the café…’ he said, picking up and having a conversation with someone about a delivery of seafood. ‘You need to speak to Shane at the docks,’ he was saying. ‘I can’t… I’m with Clover and I… Oh, look, I’ll do it, just get on with the service. I’ll sort it.’ He clicked off, then turned to me, ‘It’s the café, they…’

‘Yeah, I know, seafood order…’

He nodded. ‘The crayfish have gone awol, I have to ring…’

‘Shane?’

He laughed. ‘Yeah, won’t be a minute,’ he said absently, and punching numbers out on his phone, he walked out of the coffee shop and stood outside to have the conversation. Meanwhile, I sat with Clover in my arms as she slept, and watched as Dan waved his arms around outside and had what looked like a very intense conversation with Shane about lost crayfish. This went on for some time, and I sat there – literally, holding the baby. And I suddenly had a moment and wondered what life with Dan would be like now. The joy of my relationship with him was that it had always been a little selfish – we’d enjoyed decadent weekends away, we indulged each other, spent time caring, loving. This would now be a very different life than the one I’d envisaged, and if I wasn’t careful, I would fall for this little one. Looking down at her, I asked myself if this was what I really wanted.

Eventually Dan returned, and after some small talk about crayfish, I gently, and reluctantly, transferred Clover back to him.

‘What are you doing?’ he said, like I’d just handed him a ticking bomb.

‘Returning her to her daddy, I don’t want to get too attached.’

‘Please, Faye… get attached. Get so attached that you stay here forever and even if I can’t make you stay, she will.’

I felt a little shimmer of pleasure at the word ‘forever’, but at the same time I was aware that this wasn’t the forever I’d planned.

Dan smiled. ‘Lemonade?’ he said, and I nodded, as he called over the waitress. She seemed a bit surprised to be beckoned over as there was a big sign saying ‘order at the counter’ and was about to inform him of this when I saw the change in her face as she looked into his eyes. I could see her transform before me, from stroppy jobsworth to waitress princess, immediately under his spell.

Look away, love, I thought, but it was too late, before she knew it she was taking our order and rushing off for iced lemonades and cake, going above and beyond the call of duty and also warming a baby bottle for the beautiful man on table four. She didn’t even notice me, until she returned with the milk and lemonades, and told Dan longingly he was so lucky to have such a beautiful baby. I could see the confusion on her face as she finally took me in. The baby was darker-skinned than both of us but I wondered if she felt I was too old to be the baby’s mother… or Dan’s partner. There you go again, I thought, old insecurities slowly emerging – this wasn’t the real Faye, but sometimes the odd residue from the past still needed wiping away. You can make changes to yourself and your life, but you have to be vigilant or they come marching back and there were still occasions when I felt too old, too fat, too insignificant. I guess a lifetime with indifferent Craig and his perfect pipes had taken their toll.

‘So you’re thinking about diving?’ Dan said, looking at the guidebook propped in my bag. He was handing me the bottle, which I took and automatically went into mother mode again.

‘Yes, I figured that I’m here, so I might as well make the most of it. I was thinking about a trip to Melbourne too.’ I was concentrating on Clover’s feeding.

‘Melbourne?’ he said, just as his phone pinged a text and took him away again. ‘Oh, Shane says the crayfish are en route,’ he smiled.

‘Hurrah for the crayfish,’ I sighed, as his phone pinged once more.

‘Oh, it’s Saff… She’s delayed, not sure when she’ll be back now. That’s a shame, I was going to ask if you fancied dinner.’

‘Never mind,’ I said, not resenting the baby, but feeling a bit miffed that Saff had done me out of an evening with Dan.

‘No, we still could. We could get a takeaway, eat it at the flat…’

‘Will Saffron be there?’ I asked, thinking what an awkward threesome that would be.

‘Yeah, when she eventually gets back. I have to stay with Clover until Saff gets back. Saff’d be okay with you being there.’

‘I wouldn’t,’ I said, looking down at Clover and shutting this ridiculous idea down before it seeded. After a few seconds I looked up to see he was texting. Bloody hell, it was worse than being with Emma! I felt like just walking out, and was about to do just that when he looked up and remembered I was there and he tried desperately to get back to where we were, pre-text.

‘So, Melbourne?’ he asked.

‘I hear there are great restaurants,’ I said, calming down a little. He couldn’t help it if work and Saffron needed to contact him, he had a full life, and when he was in the UK, he only had the deli and me.

‘Yeah, the restaurants are amazing… Melbourne’s become a real gastronomic hotspot. Some of Australia’s best restaurants are there,’ he said, suddenly coming alive. ‘There’s this amazing drive along the coast, all the way from here to Melbourne – we did it once with my parents,’ he sighed. ‘I was only a kid, but I’ll never forget it. We went swimming at Hyams Beach, it’s got the whitest sand in the world and we stopped off at the forest at Victorian Alps,’ he smiled at the memory. ‘Oh, and we saw fairy penguins on Philip Island… Amazing!’

That sounded perfect, and for a microsecond I allowed myself to think of the two of us driving down the coast, top down, the wind in our hair.

‘I wish I could come with you,’ he started to say.

‘Yes, but you’ve got so much else going on… I don’t suppose you have the time,’ I said, hoping against hope he did.

‘No, I guess not.’ There was a shadow of disappointment across his face. ‘I can take a few days off with some forward planning, but can’t really leave Clover,’ he added, sipping from his lemonade and looking around the café. ‘Saffron’s all over the place at the moment. I don’t know what’s got into her. We did a rota and everything, but she just keeps going off.’

I nodded – I didn’t want to get into a conversation about Saffron or her fitness to be a mother, it wasn’t my call. But hearing about her made me feel even more protective towards Clover.

‘It’s nice here,’ I said, changing the subject. ‘Is your café bigger than this?’ I was still a little hurt that he hadn’t taken me there when I’d arrived. I understood why now, he wanted to tell me about Clover first, but I still felt excluded from his dream, his life. There was a distance between us and while he was still coming and going from the same apartment as Saffron there always would be, because I couldn’t go to his home. I’d been in Sydney for almost a week now and I’d seen neither his home nor the café.

‘Our café’s bigger, yeah,’ he said. ‘I’m really pleased, you know?’ He was looking down at Clover feeding from the bottle I was holding. ‘It’s hard work, but I love it even more now this little one’s here, she’s given me a reason to keep going. Clover’s gonna work there one day, aren’t you, sugar?’ he was touching her face as I held her, and my heart just unfurled like a flower filmed at speed.

‘I told you about babies, didn’t I?’ I said.

‘Yeah, they grip your heart with their tiny fingers and never let go.’ His eyes were misty and I thought he might cry, so I put on my Mary Poppins voice so I didn’t start blubbing. I’d made enough of a spectacle of myself in the short time I’d been here. ‘Yes, and you must let her grow, decide what she wants from life, don’t force her into your kitchen. She might be an artist like her mum, so let her choose,’ I said, reminding both of us that she had a mother, and as cosy as this felt, it wasn’t real.

He smiled, that old, twinkly smile. ‘Yeah, but wait till she tastes my lemon cake, and my breakfast muffins… and we’re working on this new kind of batter made with avos… She won’t be able to stop herself.’

I smiled at him as he talked passionately about avocado batter, then looked down at Clover drinking her milk. She was so tiny, so vulnerable, so trusting of the woman who had suddenly stepped into her life. Would I stay, could I? Was it even my decision to make? I hated myself for even thinking it. I know how I’d feel if I was Saffron and I’d found out my former partner’s woman had fed my child, sat drinking lemonade with him while batting her eyelashes and holding in her stomach. As for me taking care of Clover in the short time we were together, I hadn’t done this in a territorial way, I did it because it felt like the right thing to do. I’d been amazed at my own feelings towards this little bundle, but I was also aware I mustn’t lose my heart to her. Nothing was built in stone for me and Dan, our foundations were shaky, and if, for whatever reason, we couldn’t be together, I didn’t want to be hurting over Clover along with my heart breaking over Dan. I tried to stop myself worrying about what was going to happen in the future; I had little or no control of it. All I could do was make the best of my time here and hope things worked themselves out for the best.

‘I’d still love to see the café,’ I said, looking up from Clover’s soft, rounded cheeks, warm and satisfied from the milk. I gently sat her up and began rubbing her back, just like I had Emma and then Rosie, a rush of the past coming in and filling me with such sweetness I could taste it in the air. Once you have a baby it’s like you’re programmed to understand them, know what they need when they need it. And here I was, just doing what came naturally and thinking nothing of it while Dan looked on in awe.

‘You’re amazing with her,’ he sighed.

‘And so are you. Don’t forget, when she gets a bit older you’ll come into your own, you were wonderful with Rosie.’

He smiled just thinking about her and I told him all about her latest boyfriend and how she’d recently considered ‘speed dating’ as she’d seen it on TV. Dan laughed loudly at this. ‘Are you in touch with her here?’ he said.

I nodded. ‘Of course. I had a text this morning asking for a boomerang and a koala bear,’ I laughed.

‘Is she still into Dora the Explorer?’

‘I think she’s moved on to The Real Housewives now,’ I joked. ‘They grow up so quickly.’

‘I miss Rosie,’ he said wistfully. ‘Can we Skype her some time?’

‘Yeah, of course,’ I said, knowing Rosie would be over the moon to see Dan again. As was I.

‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ he asked, and I told him I was going diving.

‘Oh, babe, I wish you’d waited until I was free. I wanted to take you to this reef…’

‘I know, but I wanted to do this and the way things are you might never be free. You’ve got the café and Clover and I just feel while I’m here I need to do stuff.’

‘Fair enough, you don’t want to be hanging around waiting for me,’ he said, checking my face, hoping, I think, that I’d contradict him. But I didn’t because he was right. ‘So, are you free the day after tomorrow?’

‘Yeah… I think so.’

‘I’ll call you, let’s do something?’

‘That would be nice,’ I said honestly.

‘But that’s two whole days away,’ he sighed.

‘We waited over a year, Dan, I think we can do another two days.’

Sitting here with him, holding his baby, I had to ask myself if either of us was ready for this. He was so busy and I was determined to grab some me-time. I wanted a simple life. But Clover changed all that. I don’t know why I felt like I’d been cheated out of something, because it was my own fault he’d gone and got himself another life. But I was frustrated – he’d suddenly become a business owner and father at a time when I had no commitments.

There was a silence as Clover began to fall back to sleep in my arms, and Dan leaned forward and touched my knee. I felt the frisson, the weakening in my bones, but moved my knee away from his hand, and he took it back, injured.

‘Faye… I’ve been so scared of losing you. I’ve lost you before and I didn’t want to go through it again. I understand if you’d rather be on your own. You were married for a long time, maybe you’re not ready to settle down yet… ever?’

I shrugged. ‘I want to go diving, go to Melbourne, I want to see Australia,’ I said, reminding myself to stay focussed and not allow his eyes to sway me. ‘I am in the rather lovely position of only having to think about me, and I like it.’

‘It doesn’t mean we can’t be together.’

‘It’s not just about you and me anymore, Dan, it’s about this little one,’ I said, gazing at Clover, whose facial expressions suggested she might be filling her nappy. I almost laughed – here we were talking about our feelings and what we wanted from life, while she carried on her bodily functions. Babies always put things into perspective. ‘Anyway, enough of talking about me,’ I raised my eyebrows and smiled, at myself as much as anything else. ‘This baby has far more important things for Daddy to deal with just now.’ I gently handed her back to him.

‘You’re not just going… we need to talk.’ He looked hurt.

‘We will, but you’ve got a nappy to change and a baby to look after. It’ll soon be her bedtime, we can’t just sit and talk until the sun goes down.’

‘Okay, so come to the café the day after tomorrow,’ he said. ‘I’ll be working, but I’ll make sure we have some time together and I’ll cook specially for you.’

I smiled and stood up and bent down to kiss Clover on the head – she smelled like heaven.

He looked up at me as I stood again.

‘I’m not kissing you on the forehead,’ I joked.

‘I was hoping for something a little more,’ he teased.

‘Keep hoping,’ I winked, and picking up my guidebook, floppy hat and beach bag, I walked out of the coffee shop, leaving a now rather grizzly baby and a harassed father in my wake.

I couldn’t stay any longer, it was all beginning to feel rather lovely and I needed to work out what was happening between us. I also wanted to confirm everything that was happening between Dan and Saffron, and as much as I didn’t want to meet her, if I wanted to be with Dan it was inevitable that I would have to.

I tried to sashay down the walkway, remembering Sue’s instructions to imagine I was a strong, sexy Leo and ruler of the stars. So I strutted like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill (minus the yellow jumpsuit and samurai sword), knocking people out of my way. A poor woman almost ended up falling over, but thankfully, I caught her, apologising profusely as she gathered herself together, looking very scared. It seemed I had Uma’s walk, but not her grace. Thankfully, I spotted a cocktail bar, and going straight in, channelled Uma and took a perch at the bar and ordered myself a mai tai. After which I felt pretty positive. Nothing like a good old shot of alcohol to make one see things differently.

I’d had a child in my life since I was eighteen years old, and then a grandchild. They were, and always would be, the best things in my life, but handing that nappy-filled baby back to her father made me wonder if it was time for a proper ‘baby’ break. I had some time now to enjoy my freedom and take a rest from looking after children, but did that make me selfish?

As I mused on this and sipped my second delicious cocktail, Dan wandered past. He was pushing the buggy, and I noticed his head was down, and immediately assumed he was feeling bad because I wasn’t there… But he was just leaning down, talking to Clover. I smiled at my own arrogance, to think I was all that mattered to him. He was laughing with her now as he gently wiped her face with a muslin cloth and I felt another rush of love as high as those bloody Bondi waves and wished I could practise what I preached about bloody freedom. If I was so damn free, why did I feel like my chest had opened and my heart was hanging out?