‘So there is someone else?’ I heard myself say once more.

He stood up, putting his hand in his pocket and taking out his wallet. I watched, wondering if perhaps this was some kind of joke, that he was teasing me.

‘If that’s anything other than a new puppy, I don’t want to see it,’ I snapped.

‘It isn’t a pet, it’s… Well, take a look… Meet Clover.’

‘Is she furry, because if not…?’

He shook his head, so I brushed his hand away.

‘I can’t, Dan,’ I said, unwilling to engage with whatever/whoever was in the photograph, the beginning of tears stinging my eyes. ‘All these years we’ve been seeing each other, I thought we’d been honest and now you’ve lied… you’ve lied to me.’

‘Faye, listen… Yes, I met someone. I didn’t want to tell you.’ He reached out both his hands and tried to hold me gently by the shoulders, make me listen to what he had to say, but I shook him off. I couldn’t hear this, and within seconds, I started to cry – lurching sobs I couldn’t keep down, a horrible out-of-control hysterical cry like I hadn’t experienced since I was a child. Who knew as adults we could still cry like this?

I grabbed my bag and blindly headed for the door.

‘I don’t want to know about your wife or girlfriend or whatever she is.’

‘Faye, don’t be stupid.’

‘I am being stupid because I AM stupid,’ I said, through mucous and nose entrails. ‘I finished it. I can’t blame you for moving on with your life. It’s what I wanted you to do, but I can’t believe you let me come all this way without telling me…’ I headed for the door, slamming it behind me – so hard my arm was still ringing when I’d got down the stairs. I just had to get out of that room, that bloody photograph he obviously kept safe in his wallet. I was almost knocking people out of the way, like I’d committed a murder in my bedroom and was running from the police.

I ran outside and the blazing sunshine whacked me in the face, almost knocking me over with its dazzle. But I kept running; I couldn’t stop. I ran along past the shops and cafés. I was, I think, in shock – real medical ‘let’s get her onto a stretcher’ shock. Along with heat, jet lag and heavily-laden waffles that was quite a cocktail, but still I kept running.

Eventually, after about twenty minutes, I was zigzagging along the road, exhausted and dehydrated, so I stopped to sit on the steps of a waterside building. Even the stone steps were hot under my lovely blue linen dress, bought for this reunion, now damp with sweat. This wasn’t the romantic event I’d planned – and Dan wasn’t who I thought he was. He hadn’t waited for me after all. I should have taken the safe option – I should have stayed at home, taken a teaching job and settled into a quiet existence with Katy Perry. Instead I’d set off on a journey of thousands of miles only to end up with the love of my life having met a new love of his own life. This was the icing on the bloody lemon cake! He let me travel here without a mention of his new love, just to hand me a photo from his wallet when I arrived. What did he want me to do, say, ‘Oh good on yer, she’s a looker! You’re punching way above there, mate.’

At the thought of this, my already overheated body fainted in a heap on the hot concrete. I blacked out for a matter of seconds, but every interfering do-gooder in Sydney was stood round me when I came to. Given my previous zigzagging walk and my collapse, everyone wanted to help, or at least watch what the crazy lady would do next. I couldn’t believe the commotion – I was being fanned by an elderly woman while a teenager threw a paper cup of cold water at me and some tramp shouted, ‘She’s dead!’ at the top of his voice. Even in this state all I could say was ‘My hair, my bloody hair!’ and ‘NO, I’M NOT DEAD!’ I sat up, pushing everyone away. I stood up on wobbly legs, assuring at least twenty nosy buggers that I was fine, I didn’t need a doctor, ambulance or psychiatrist. What I needed was a man who’d tell me the truth and the services of a good hairdresser.

I eventually dismissed my unwanted entourage and headed to a van selling ice-cold lemonade, bought two cartons and was so thirsty, I knocked them both back too quickly. It was while puking up the second carton into a waste paper bin on the picturesque harbour overlooking the Opera House that Dan appeared.

‘You okay?’ he asked.

‘Never been better,’ I said sarcastically, still with my head in the bin, a pool of vomit at my feet, where I hadn’t managed to get there in time.

‘Faye, you’re overtired, and overreacting.’

‘Overtired? Overreacting? Oh yeah! That’ll be it, nothing to do with the fact that you just handed me a photo of your wife and said “Deal with it”.’

‘I didn’t say that, and she isn’t my wife…’

‘Oh whatever, girlfriend, partner, lap dancer…’ I was now frantically rummaging in my bag for some kind of tissue to mop up the remains of what I’d just puked… Silently lamenting the fact I’d never eat waffles or drink lemonade ever again.

Dan ran his hands through his hair and wandered over to one of the food vans, returning with a handful of napkins and giving them to me.

Hating the fact I had no tissues of my own, I was forced to snatch them from his outstretched hand. I swiftly wiped the tissue round my mouth, hoping I’d got it all and trying to retain what little dignity I had left. Even then, at the pinnacle of my hurt and hate, I didn’t want his last memory of me to be one in which I was covered in vomit.

‘I called and texted and said things about still caring for you, and you never said a thing. I couldn’t understand why you were so weird with me… Now, I know,’ I said, emerging from a wad of napkins.

‘Yeah, because I was in a relationship with someone else and I don’t cheat.’

‘So why didn’t you tell me you were with someone else and stop me from making a total dick of myself?’

‘Because I love you and you’re not a dick. I’m the dick… I tried to tell you, but every time I got cold feet.’

‘So who is she?’ I said, still standing by the filthy bin like an old bag lady, my hair now sticking to my head with the heat, my dress damp with sweat and sick. Might as well face whatever he had to throw at me and get this over with, because I couldn’t possibly have felt any worse than I did.

‘She’s a lovely woman I met after my bro died… The night of his funeral, actually.’ I searched his face as he spoke, but could see nothing, just my own horrified face mirrored in his sunglasses.

‘Oh God,’ I said, flopping down on the hot steps again.

Dan sat down next to me and we both looked out on to Sydney Harbour. The water was blue, the sun high in the sky – ironically, a perfect day. How many times I’d imagined us doing exactly this, but in none of my fantasies was I covered in sick while Dan was declaring his love for another woman.

‘I’m sorry I’m being dramatic. Of course you met someone else, you’re a good-looking, lovely guy. Why wouldn’t you?’ I suddenly felt a bit wobbly and started to sway slightly.

‘Let’s get you out of this heat – go and get a coffee. We need to straighten this out…’

‘Okay,’ I said, feeling completely lost. ‘But I can’t go anywhere, look at me.’

Dan agreed, and suggested we go back to the room, have a proper conversation and then I could decide what to do.

Arriving back at the hotel, we went straight to the room and sat together on the bed.

‘So,’ he started, after getting me a towel, a waste bin and a big glass of water from the bathroom. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have hesitated to take off my dress and wrap the towel around me, but not now. I felt like Dan was a stranger, and what’s more, he was someone else’s stranger. I don’t know which was worse, the hurt or the humiliation.

I sat on the bed as the silence fell between us.

‘So?’ I said, then before he could open his mouth added, ‘I want to know, but I don’t. So please don’t tell me the love story, I just want to know where things are now… with her.’

I was feeling slightly more composed now (well, I suppose anything would be more composed than vomiting in the middle of tourist central), but that didn’t mean I didn’t hate this woman instantly.

‘First of all, we’re not together now. We ended things a few weeks ago.’

I have to admit to feeling a sense of deep joy and relief at this and a little chink of light started to appear, but was still a little uneasy. If they weren’t together, then why did he have a photo of her in his wallet?

‘I’m sorry I got myself into quite a state,’ I said, shaking off my questions – they would have to wait.

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘I just feel so stupid. I’m annoyed with myself more than anything. I missed all the signs. The texts suggesting it wasn’t time, the way you never answered my calls, avoided talking about us whenever we did speak,’ I looked at him and realised he was right, I was being unreasonable. ‘Then there were the “Faye, please whatever you do, don’t come to Sydney” postcards you sent,’ I joked.

He smiled at this, then put his head in his hands. ‘Faye, you and I were over,’ he said calmly. ‘I met someone after you’d told me we had no future… “Go and find someone else,” you said.’

‘Not quite…’

‘That’s exactly what you said,’

‘Okay, I did. But I didn’t mean go back to Sydney, stop in the first bar and find a woman.’ I softened this with a smile; I wasn’t angry at him, I was angry with myself for letting him go in the first place.

‘It wasn’t quite like that,’ he said, giving me a chastising look. ‘We didn’t even date, we just “hooked up” every now and then.’

I’d heard Mandy use this expression, but she’d also said ‘shagged’, ‘bonked’ and ‘banged’ – ‘hooked up’ somehow always felt a little more restrained. But however I wanted it packaged, there was no escaping the fact that Dan was telling me he’d had a sexual relationship with someone else when we were apart.

‘She was single, I was single… We talked, had a few drinks, swapped numbers, then the night of my brother’s funeral, I called her and we met up and…’

‘Oh Dan, I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you.’ I blamed myself for everything that had happened. I pushed him away, and now I was paying the price. I wasn’t sure how I felt. I know it sounds arrogant and stupid, but this hadn’t been on my radar. How naive was I to expect this wonderful man to put a hold on his life just because I wasn’t in it?

He gently reached out and touched my knee, then he reached into his wallet for the bloody photo again and I put my hand up like a stop sign.

‘No! Dan, I can handle that you had a hook-up thing with a woman last year, but I don’t need photographic evidence. I’m not possessive, but I can be a little insecure and I really, really don’t want to see a photo of her standing around in tiny cut-offs or a string thong thing on a beach. If I don’t see her, then I can pretend she never existed. As long as she isn’t in your life now.’

He looked me straight in the eye, shifted in the bedroom chair and said, ‘Clover will always be in my life.’ He was looking down at the photo like she was a bloody goddess. This didn’t augur well for our happy ever after and I was ready to call the airport and get a plane out of there.

‘Saffron and I… We tried to live together, tried to make a go of it, for Clover’s sake.’

‘Clover? Saffron? Who are these women? Do you have some kind of harem?’ I asked, confused and wondering if we were now in a polygamy scenario.

‘Look at the bloody picture! Clover is a baby,’ he said, thrusting the photo in my face. ‘She’s my daughter.’

I was in shock. Dan was a father? My Dan, the carefree spirit who chased waves and rainbows was now somebody’s dad? This wasn’t happening, it was all too weird.

‘You are kidding me?’ I said, unable to take my eyes from his, searching for the flicker of humour.

He shook his head. ‘No, this is real… Clover’s real.’ He lifted the photo in evidence.

‘You really have a daughter? A baby? What the hell! Why didn’t you tell me this?’ I said softly, taking the photo he was now holding under my nose. Looking at the picture of this gorgeous baby with big brown eyes and a mop of dark hair, I almost melted. ‘She’s beautiful. I’m not sure it’s appropriate coming from me, but congratulations,’ I said, wondering again how he could keep something so big from me.

‘I didn’t know how to tell you. She was born two months ago. Saffron didn’t tell me until she was almost seven months gone and we kind of shared a place for a while, but it hasn’t worked out.’ He was looking at the photo, unable to hide the flicker of a smile as he gazed at his child.

‘She’s nothing like you,’ I said. ‘She’s dark haired, dark-skinned, and beautiful,’ I sighed.

‘She’s like her mum… I mean, the dark hair and skin…’

‘It’s okay, I’m sure her mother is beautiful too,’ I sighed. ‘You can say that to me without me crumpling into a heap.’ I said this with fake certainty, I was quite devastated by all this and just trying not to overreact – again.

‘So, now you know,’ he said.

‘Yep.’

‘What do you want to do?’ he asked, like he’d just shown me a menu and was wondering what I fancied for dinner that evening.

‘I have no idea what I want to do,’ I sighed. ‘I don’t think it’s really up to me… There’s a large cast list,’ I added sarcastically.

‘I’m so sorry, this must be hard. I was going to tell you so many times,’ he said, now searching my face for a reaction. He looked sad and guilty and I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. ‘But when you got back in touch you seemed so excited about having your freedom and no responsibilities,’ he continued, ‘I didn’t think you’d want me, with a child. And I didn’t seriously think you’d ever come here.’

‘I know, I know. So where’s everything at? Is the baby here, in Sydney? Do you see her?’

‘Oh yeah. Saff and I are muddling through, trying to make it work. She’s an artist and often away working so we have to rota the childcare.’

‘Wow, a childcare rota! You really have changed,’ I said, still taking all this in.

‘Saff’s worried about Clover growing up with no dad, and we need to be more organised… At the moment it’s just a mess, me trying to work at the café, Saff all over the country doing exhibitions. She stays over at the apartment on days she has Clover – and I stay over on my days, that way Clover doesn’t have to move. As you know, babies come with lots of equipment, so we keep it all at the apartment.’

‘So that’s why you didn’t want me turning up unannounced: I’d discover your secret,’ I said. This explained why he wasn’t exactly jumping for joy at the prospect of my arrival, and why he’d been so insistent I called him. Instead of falling onto his bed in a passionate heap, we’d have been falling over pushchairs and baby clothes.

‘Yeah, well, I was always going to tell you, but when you said you were coming over to Sydney, I panicked. Then I thought about it and Saff and I ended things… and I wanted to see you. I felt it was only fair to tell you face-to-face.’

‘I… I’m still finding it really hard to grasp. You have a baby, Dan,’ I sighed. Things would never be the same now. Even if we did get back together, it would never be just about us, there would always be Dan’s daughter to think of. Life always had an unexpected card to play and just as I’d become free, Dan had life-changing responsibilities. I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched him gazing at the photo of his daughter and seeing the light in his eyes when he said her name that perhaps this was what he’d wanted – or needed all along. When he’d told me he was happy with just me, and being a surrogate granddad to Rosie, perhaps deep down he’d wanted more, something I couldn’t give him.

‘She wasn’t planned, this wasn’t how things were supposed to be, but she’s here and she’s wonderful. The only thing is, Saff’s away such a lot, it tends to be me and Clover most of the time, which is great – but I also have the café to think of. It’s not easy.’

‘I can imagine.’ I felt genuine empathy for him, I knew too well how tough it was to balance children, work and family.

‘I thought I was doing the right thing moving in with Saffron once she found out she was pregnant. Then Clover was born and I just loved her so much, everything fell into place, but as a couple we couldn’t make it work. It was after yet another row you called me once just to say hello.’

I smiled. ‘God, yes… I was having doubts about coming to Sydney and wanted you to tell me I had to come… You didn’t.’

‘I’m so sorry, but just talking to you that night had such an impact on me. I remembered in those few seconds what love sounded like – and it wasn’t me and Saff.’ He now had his head in his hands and I heard him say, ‘What was I supposed to do, Faye? I had a baby and the woman I love was telling me she’s finally free to stay up all night drinking cocktails, spend whole days at the beach. But now I have a daughter who needs me.’

‘The irony,’ I said, still trying to get my head round all this.

‘And every time I tried to tell you, you’d talk over me,’ he continued with a smile and a slight roll of the eyes. ‘You’d be telling me how wonderful it was that now you had no one to worry about. I didn’t want to piss on your bonfire…’

‘No, you waited until I got here to do that,’ I sighed, wondering where I stood in all this and if we even had a future together.

‘Do you still have feelings for Saffron?’ I had to ask. I needed him to be open and honest, and I would take that truth, painful as it might be. It was the only way we could move forward, to wherever that might be.

‘No… I don’t love her, if that’s what you mean. We were kind of thrown together, we both needed someone and the other was there. She’s the mother of my child, so there’ll always be something between us, but it’s not romantic love.’ I nodded, relieved, but still unsure where this left me. Where it left us. ‘Saff knows you’re coming here and she’s okay about it.’

‘I’m not sure I’d be okay if my partner’s ex suddenly turned up,’ I said, suddenly feeling like the third wheel.

‘It’s not like that. She gets it and we both want to move on, in different directions… One of us has to move out and…’

‘So you’re still living at the same apartment… Together?’ My heart sank like a stone.

‘Not like that. Saff and Clover stay at the apartment when she’s around and I stay there with Clover when she isn’t. The rest of the time I stay in a room over the café. It’s got a bed and that’s all I need, but it isn’t a home. I don’t have a life apart from Clover and work.’

‘Oh Dan, we’re both in limbo, aren’t we? I can see how tough it’s been for you, but I feel really weird about this.’

‘Why?’

‘Because as much as it hurts me to think of you being with someone else, me being here isn’t giving you a chance. You’re parents and you might rekindle things if you were alone with your child.’

‘No. We weren’t working, you know how I feel about you. Saff does too, and now you’re here and she’s totally cool with this…’

I looked at him doubtfully: it felt awkward, uncomfortable, that he had this whole life that I wasn’t part of.

‘I feel like an intruder in your lives,’ I said.

‘Well, you’re not. We’re not this little family unit, we’re two people with our own lives, we just happen to share a baby. There’s a big art festival going on in Perth and she wants to go there and work. But she can’t take a baby into the pot-smoking, communal life…’

‘Wow, I never thought I’d hear you say that, Dan!’ It seemed fatherhood had turned him into a sensible man suddenly. ‘I’d have been more concerned about you taking a baby into a pot-smoking…’

‘I’ve changed,’ he said. ‘Saff’s an artist, she’s really good, but when she’s working, it consumes her…’

‘You’re the same, Dan, you’re consumed by your business, the recipes, the ingredients, the origins of those ingredients. You’ve always been obsessed…’

‘Yes, but it’s an obsession I used to share with you. I’ve missed that, because Saff and I don’t share the same passions. It’s like we’re both lonely when we’re together… I didn’t think that was possible, to be lonely with someone else.’

I remembered my marriage to Craig and nodded silently. But he didn’t want to hear my diatribe on ‘life with Craig’ just now, he had enough on his plate.

‘Sometimes I think she blames me for the fact she has a baby and can’t just run off and paint,’ he sighed. ‘But we’ve both had to sacrifice our freedom… I just think she finds it harder than I do.’

Despite Dan now being a dad and having a ‘babymummy’ in his life, I still loved him, nothing would change that.

‘I know this wasn’t what you expected to find here, but we can still be together. I mean, how much difference will a part-time baby make to our lives?’ he laughed. ‘And she’s gorgeous, but she is very independent.’

I laughed at this; I was slowly coming round to seeing Dan as a dad – a very proud dad too. I confess I also found it very attractive.

‘I know it’s not ideal that Saff and I share a place, but she’s moving out next week to share with a friend, and after that you could stay there?’

‘Oh God, it feels like you have a conveyor belt of women,’ I said. ‘Dead men’s shoes aren’t my thing really. Let’s take a little time and see how things pan out before we dance on her grave.’

‘Okay, but it’s really not like that. There’s only ever been you, Faye.’

We looked at each other for what seemed like ages, communicating only with our eyes, until I had to look away or I might kiss him.

‘Look, why don’t I just show you round Sydney?’ he said in the slightly awkward aftermath. ‘There’s a wonderful place we could go for tapas and early cocktails, and this great little seafood joint down by the harbour, all those twinkly lights you love – and prawns to die for. We could go there for dinner, and then afterwards we could see the Opera House, plenty of photo opportunities, Madam,’ he said, playing the tour guide. ‘Oh, and before you say anything, I’ll check the firework situation – not sure they’re doing them tonight, but I could find you a sparkler,’ he laughed.

‘Oh, you cheapskate,’ I teased, suddenly feeling lighter, happier. ‘He promises me diamonds and I end up with paste!’

‘No, only diamonds for you, babe,’ he said, looking at me like he could see deep inside my head, like he wanted to possess me. He was probably about to say something wonderful, then stopped himself. It was clear from the eye contact that we felt the same, but neither of us was ready yet for the old intimacy yet. ‘I’ve done an itinerary and we can get up early tomorrow and…’ he started, suddenly morphing into someone resembling the old Dan, ‘we’ll do a thorough whistle-stop tour of the city in a day, I know you’ll love it.’

‘That sounds good,’ I smiled, and he reached out and squeezed my hand, then pulled away.

We were a long way from being how we used to be, but perhaps we could manoeuvre our way round all this and work something out after all?

‘So, why don’t you get changed and I’ll check the Opera House…’ Mid-sentence, his phone rang. He looked at it, looked at me and then looked at his phone again as it kept on ringing.

‘Who is it?’ I asked, confused.

‘Saff… Sorry, Faye, I have to get this. It might be about Clover.’

‘Of course,’ I said, gesturing for him to pick up. But I could see in his pained expression he was torn and when he answered, I felt like I should leave the room. This was a private call, but I was strangely fascinated to hear the way he spoke to her, what their dynamic was, so I went into the bathroom and pressed my ear against the wall. It had to be done. I trusted Dan but was a little concerned that he might be adapting things slightly to keep us both happy.

‘Shit, Saff… No, I can’t. Look… I can’t. You know I’ve taken tomorrow off to be with Faye,’ he was saying. ‘Yes, I know… I know, your work’s important… Of course… yes. Of course I want to be with Clover, you know I do, but I was supposed to be with… Yeah… yeah… okay. No problem, no problem at all. I’ll drop everything so you can just set off for Perth early… No, I told you I don’t want Clover in that atmosphere, everyone drinking and smoking dope. No, I’ll change my plans… okay,’ he said abruptly, clearly not happy.

I gave it a minute, then wandered back into the room.

‘Sorry,’ he sighed, looking up, ‘that was a bit difficult.’

‘Difficult? Why?’ I asked, feigning surprise. I didn’t want him to think I was earwigging – which I so was.

‘She has to go a day earlier. She wants to see the sunset over Ayers Rock.’

‘Don’t we all!’ I sighed, feeling a little prickly that this woman was going to a) abandon her child a day early, and b) ruin my plans. I was bitterly disappointed, and for once my usual optimism failed me. Is this what life would be like if I was here with Dan? Would Saffron just take off every time she felt like it? If this was a taste of things to come, I doubted we’d even be able to make plans for dinner, let alone anything else. ‘Hey, it’s okay,’ I said. It wasn’t, but what else could I say? So much for this baby not having any impact on the rekindling of our relationship.

‘Thanks for being understanding. I’m disappointed, I really wanted to show you round and now you know about Clover, I feel like a weight’s been lifted. I was looking forward to having the day with you… was hoping we could be together. But I’ll have to go back, so someone’s with Clover. If I don’t, Saff says she’ll take her with her to Perth – I just don’t think…’

‘Honestly, it’s okay, I understand,’ I said. And I did. As one of the world’s most active helicopter mothers, I understood only too well how he felt.

‘I mean, this isn’t going to go on indefinitely,’ he added, picking up his jacket.

‘What isn’t? Fatherhood?’ I laughed.

‘No, I mean, as Clover gets older, things will change and she’ll become more independent and…’

‘Then she’ll start walking and you won’t be able to rest for fear she’ll fall or hurt herself in some way.’

He shrugged, ‘I guess. Are you upset, about the sightseeing?’

‘I’m upset, but it’s not just about the sightseeing. I’m angry with myself because I let you go… but then there’s a part of me that wonders if this little girl might be good for you.’

‘I think she is. I just feel like I’m finally growing up – but it’s quite scary, I’m not gonna lie. But now you’re here and you know the score and…’

‘Yeah, but it’s going to take some getting used to and I don’t honestly know if there’s room in your life for me too.’

‘Oh, don’t say that…’ He looked suddenly crestfallen.

‘I mean, you’re juggling so many balls – the café, Clover, Saffron… and now me. I don’t want to be another pull on your life, someone else in the queue of people to placate.’

‘It’s just a matter of time… Things need to settle.’

‘Perhaps you were right and it is too soon for me to be here? You and Saffron need time to “uncouple” and I need time to get my head round this and decide what to do, not just for me, for everyone. I’m sure Clover is gorgeous, but even the loveliest baby in the world can come with a lot of pressure and stress and you don’t need me on top of all that.’

‘Faye, you’re just what I need…’

That was nice to hear, but part of me wondered if he’d still think that in a few days’ time when the reality of having me around had sunk in. This time we’d be different – we were in a different country with different problems. I just hoped we were strong enough to overcome whatever life had left to throw at us.

‘Okay, we’re going round and round in circles. I’m jet-lagged and emotionally exhausted, I can’t talk anymore today or I’ll stop making sense. This is all so weird for me to think about.’

‘Yeah, I understand,’ he said. ‘This isn’t the best time to make any big life decisions for either of us, I’ll let you get some sleep.’

He leaned towards me and for a moment it seemed like we might kiss. Everything around us was still and quiet and I held my breath, but at the very last moment it seemed we both thought better of it and we hugged instead.

‘I’ll call you,’ he said as he walked towards the door and opened it. Then, just before he disappeared, he popped his head back round the door: ‘Faye?’

I looked up at him with a weak smile. I was genuinely tired and emotionally wrecked. ‘Yeah?’

‘Don’t just go without telling me, will you?’

‘No… Whatever happens, you’ll be the first to know.’ I smiled and blew him a rather half-hearted kiss as he closed the door behind him.

I lay back on the bed for some time just digesting everything that had happened today. It was a completely different scenario than the one I’d imagined here in this land of sunshine and koala bears. I’d hoped to be setting off for a late lunch now, cocktails, a walk round the Opera House, soaking up the light, the sunshine, the lovely Aussie voices. I wanted to stay awake and beat the jet lag, and a sightseeing trip with Dan would have certainly kept me awake – I’d been so excited about seeing Sydney with him.

My eyes began to droop, my body screaming for sleep, as my mind whirred on and on, and when, after an hour I couldn’t relax into it, I knew I needed to talk to someone who was unbiased, wise and would give me good advice. So I called Emma. It was late where she was, but she answered straight away.

‘Mum… Mum, are you okay?’

‘I’m fine, fine,’ I lied, trying to sound happy. Emma was my daughter, but also my sensible friend. So I told her everything.

‘Oh, Mum, it all sounds a bit messy,’ she said. ‘I know it’s stupid, but I never thought Dan would ever be with anyone else after you…’

‘I know, I was really stupid and thought the same. I came all this way and he’s sprung it on me – I’m not sure how I feel about it all.’

‘He probably didn’t tell you because he thought you wouldn’t turn up if you knew.’

‘Yeah, I can see that, but I thought I’d come here and be swept up into the middle of a new, exciting life. Instead I feel like I’ve been swept up into the middle of someone’s bloody break-up.’ I didn’t add that he’d tried to put me off, told me to wait, but I hadn’t listened. I didn’t want to get into detail, I wanted good advice… and a little sympathy from my daughter.

‘I feel sorry for him,’ she sighed. ‘He can’t help it if he loves you and wants to be with you, but got himself tied up in another relationship.’

‘Yeah, but I feel a bit guilty about them splitting up.’

‘Don’t. Look at it this way: To him Saff is like Dad was to you – your marriage was over, there was no hope and you were both unhappy. Dan’s only doing what you did when you left Dad, leaving the person he doesn’t love for the one he does.’

‘Thanks for saying that, sweetie, it means a lot.’ I smiled; I wanted to hug her, she saw things so clearly sometimes when I couldn’t. There were times when I’d wondered if Emma understood my reasons for leaving the family home, abandoning her dad and then running away with a younger man. Back then, I doubted she had any concept of my unhappiness, but it seems she did, and she never held it against me – my daughter understood more than I ever realised.

‘So keep on keeping on… Don’t give up now, Mum,’ she urged.

‘But what do I do? Just sit here while they sort everything out and wait around like a vulture?’ I asked.

‘You don’t have to do that. Instead of hanging around, waiting for them to sort things out, why don’t you take some time out? Give yourself space to think, and give Dan and Saffron the chance to get their shit together…’

‘Apart – their shit will be apart,’ I half-joked.

‘Yes, Mum, it’s a phrase.’ I imagined her rolling her eyes at this. ‘Anyway, while they’re “consciously uncoupling”, to quote Gwyneth, why don’t you leave Sydney for a few days and go see a bit of Australia?’

‘I might… I might just do that,’ I said. I was loath to do too much, but there was nothing to stop me getting out of the city for a while.

I put down the phone after we ended the call and felt calmed. Emma was right, this wasn’t going to be solved overnight, and it hadn’t been fair of me to turn up and expect Dan to have frozen in time. His life had moved on and I wasn’t excluded from it, the whole thing just had a different shape now.

The jet lag soon kicked in and I turned off my phone, turned off the light and planned to nap a while. Perhaps when I woke things would be clearer?

I really had no idea what to do next, I felt like my brain had been wiped. I didn’t want to be here without Dan, but I wasn’t sure what this new future held. What the hell was I going to do? And was it even up to me, or Dan? There were two other people’s lives to consider now.

I lay in the too-big-for-one-person bed, lost in a sea of anonymous white hotel sheets, feeling like a computer that has no hard drive. Everything I believed to be true wasn’t.

After tossing and turning for a while, both physically and emotionally, I wandered into the bathroom, poured myself more water and gazed into the mirror. I looked like shit – even after all my planning and preening, the tan, the make-up, the dress, all intended to create the impression of slightly-older-but-still-got-it girlfriend. Looking at my reflection now, I was more very-older-looked-like-she-never-had-it girlfriend, with swollen eyes from crying, hair frizzed up with heat, and my lovely blue dress inelegantly splashed with my own vomit. As I took off my clothes and left them in a heap on the floor, I padded back to bed and once more contemplated taking the next flight home. I was angry with Dan for not being honest with me, but I still loved him for all the other wonderful things he was.

I thought about the way he used to tell me I was beautiful, that I could do anything, the way he gave me confidence and made me laugh, and eventually cried myself to sleep, dreaming of Opera Houses, waffles, babies and puke – which just about summed up my first day in Oz.