After wiping my eyes and reapplying mascara in the hall, so Emma wouldn’t see I’d been crying and worry, I went into the living room where she was watching TV. She’d just bathed Rosie, and flushed from the heat of the bathroom, she seemed damp but happy, as was her baby, now asleep on the sofa with teddy. My heart melted, but my head pounded.

‘You’re early,’ Emma said quietly, as she looked up. ‘Madam’s only just had her bath, she’s been full-on tonight.’

I laughed, ‘I can imagine.’ I sat down on the nearby easy chair, ‘What’s this?’ I gestured towards the screen. I wanted to sit and stare at it – I didn’t want to talk about what had just happened, I wasn’t quite sure myself.

‘Oh, some rubbish film. You know they’ll end up together in the end – they always do, don’t they?’

‘Not always,’ I sighed, gazing at the two beautiful faces onscreen.

‘So… did you finish it?’ she asked, turning from the screen to look at me.

Christ, how the hell had she picked up on this? She must be psychic.

‘It’s not that easy… I need time.’

‘What? I thought it was due in yesterday?’

I looked puzzled – all I could think about was Dan getting on that plane and whether or not I’d be with him.

‘F. Scott Fitzgerald?’ she said, smiling and looking at me like I was mad.

‘Oh… you meant the essay?’

‘Yes, what else would I mean?’ Then she sat up on the sofa. ‘Why, what did you mean? Mum?’

‘Oh, love, I’m all over the place, sorry. It’s Dan, his brother’s ill – he’s going back to Australia,’ I blurted. It was out there – no point in keeping this to myself, burying it inside and pretending it wasn’t happening.

‘Oh, Mum, no!’

‘It’s fine, nothing to worry about,’ I smiled. I didn’t want to worry Emma, she had enough to cope with as a single mum with a demanding job.

‘But you said he was going back to Australia? That sounds like something to worry about.’

‘Oh, it’s just life – I think a cup of tea will help,’ I said, trying to make light of it.

I went into the kitchen and made us both a cup of tea, which I needed, but I also had to compose myself: Emma’s concern was likely to make me cry and I couldn’t lay that on her. Returning with two steaming mugs, I saw my girls together on the sofa and felt that familiar pull. How lucky I was to be able to spend this time with them. So many kids go off to other cities, get married and move away. Their parents had to make do with a phone call and a visit every other Christmas as they watched their grandchildren grow up from afar, but Emma had accepted the job here, in the town she was born, knowing I’d be there to look after Rosie. Dan’s situation had come out of the blue and I needed time and space to think – but my mind fizzed with sadness.

I loved him so much I couldn’t help but flirt with the idea of running away with him. What if, against all the odds, there was a way we could be together? What if Emma and Rosie could come with us? They could start a new life there too. The prospect of a new life in a new country with beaches and sunshine, a healthier lifestyle, it wasn’t unthinkable, was it? In fact, it was a fantasy for most people. There would be a job out there for Emma, surely, and Rosie would love exploring a new place, making friends, swimming every day and living in sunshine. Perhaps it could work?

I was soon shaken from my reverie at the sound of Rosie waking up on the sofa.

‘Time for bed, sweetie,’ Emma was saying, but she seemed distracted, trying to do something on her phone. Poor Emma, she worked so hard, sending and receiving emails at all times of the day and night, dealing with problems.

‘I’ll take her up to bed,’ I said, picking Rosie up and holding her little warm body close to mine. She was sleepy, but given any kind of attention she would soon be wide awake and ready for another round of hide-and-seek, which she loved.

‘Nan, where’s Dam?’ she said sleepily as I carried her into her bedroom.

‘He’s in his house, probably asleep like you’re going to be,’ I smiled, laying her down and gently covering her up with the pink princess duvet.

‘Will his nan read him a bedtime stowy?’ she asked, which was Rosie’s subtle way of asking for one.

‘No… Probably not,’ I giggled, ‘but I’ll read one to you if you like?’

She patted my hand, her eyes barely able to stay open. ‘Oh, that’s a good girl,’ she sighed, and waited for the ‘once upon a time’.

Even before the ‘happy ever after’, Rosie was asleep, and I quietly left her to dream of princesses in pink palaces and padded to my room, my sanctuary, to consider all that had happened. I hadn’t told Emma about Dan’s proposal – I wanted to think about it all before I talked it through with anyone else. I had twenty-four hours to think about it and I knew I’d be mulling it over for every one of those hours. That night I lay awake in bed considering all the options. Was there a way I could be with my family and marry Dan? Ever the optimist, I hoped this was like a crossword clue you think you’ll never get, then suddenly the word appears and you wonder why you didn’t think of it in the first place. But right now it felt like my whole life was the crossword clue – stuck between a rock and a hard place – and there was no answer.

---

‘Do you fancy Australia then?’ I said to Emma the following morning over toast and marmalade. I hadn’t slept and waited until I heard her get up to rush downstairs before Rosie and just sound her out. I tried to keep it light-hearted, pretending it was a joke to see her reaction, knowing she’d think I was as mad as I’d thought Dan was by merely suggesting such a move.

‘Australia? Oh God, no! All those creepie-crawlies… and the heat. I don’t envy Dan having to go back there.’

This wasn’t the answer I’d been hoping for.

‘Oh, I don’t know… There are beaches, year-round sunshine?’

‘Nah, wouldn’t be my scene,’ she said, sipping her tea. ‘I’d miss home too much.’ She hadn’t taken this seriously, but her gut reaction was enough.

‘So you’d never consider moving to another country, even in the future?’

She looked at me. ‘No way!’ she said. ‘What about you?’

‘I don’t know… I’d always liked the idea of living somewhere else, a fresh perspective on life, you know?’

She nodded. ‘I think you’re more adventurous than me, Mum. I just manage to keep body and soul together here – I wouldn’t move it all across an ocean.’

She put down her mug, reached out her hand.

‘Are you tempted to go with Dan?’

‘No… Well, I don’t know, it’s such a big thing – I can’t leave you and Rosie.’

‘But I don’t want you to stay here because of us, especially if being apart from Dan makes you unhappy. Has he asked you to go with him?’

‘Yes. Actually, he’s asked me to marry him.’ I was no longer able to keep this in my chest, where it had fluttered all night.

She gasped and clapped her hands together. ‘Then what in the hell are we doing sitting here, why aren’t we choosing dresses?’

‘Because I don’t want to leave here and live in Australia,’ I said, almost in tears. ‘I can’t leave you and Rosie and…’

‘But it would only be for a while – I can find a childminder for a few months until you’re back.’

‘No, he’s not just going back home for a while, he’s staying.’

‘For good?’ she asked, more uncertainly this time.

‘For good.’

‘Oh… How would that work?’ she said, sitting back, like she’d just been pushed.

‘It wouldn’t,’ I said, and put on my best smile.

‘Just because of me and Rosie?’ She screwed up her eyes. ‘Because we would miss you, of course, but I don’t expect you to give him up again, not for us… If you want to go there and be with Dan, you really should.’

I wasn’t sure if she meant this or if she was simply trying not to stand in my way, which I suspected was the case.

‘I don’t… This isn’t about you, it’s about me,’ I heard myself lie.

‘Really? You don’t want to go and live by the sea in another country with the man you love? You said yourself, there are beaches and sunshine and you’ve always wanted to see Australia.’

‘Yes, but I don’t want to live there – not yet. And it’s not just about you and Rosie, I have my course, a job, I’ve built my life here,’ I said, feeling rather empty, knowing it wouldn’t be the same life without Dan in it. ‘It just doesn’t feel right to walk away from it all now.’

The pull to be with him was as strong as the pull to stay with Emma, and I knew whatever I decided to do, someone would have to be hurt.

Later that morning I called Dan and told him I wanted to come and see him.

‘I still haven’t bought my ticket,’ he said, hope in his voice.

‘And I still haven’t made my decision,’ I replied.