DEREK HAD NEVER been one to create lists, but ever since he and Talia had come together, he’d begun mentally ticking off his favorite things. Falling asleep and waking again with Talia wrapped safely in his arms were at the top of that list. Thursday afternoon as he and Talia drove to the assisted-living center, he added Thursdays, Talia’s day off, to the list. It didn’t matter if she was grading papers, they were running errands, or they were busy with his father, Thursdays were wonderful, and he’d made sure he had Thursday evenings off as well.
Talia sat in the passenger seat looking up recipes on her phone. Every once in a while she’d ask a question about preparation or if his father liked this or that. Their lives had woven seamlessly together. He’d never imagined wanting anyone in his life on a daily basis, but he missed Talia every minute they were apart. This morning he’d been given the gift of a lifetime. His father had experienced a lucid moment, and even though Derek knew he wouldn’t remember their conversation for long, he’d discussed his feelings for Talia with him. His father had looked him right in the eyes and said, Son, if you’ve found the woman you want to make a life with, you must promise me not to let my disease stand in your way. When he’d mentioned to his father that Talia had been staying at the house, his father had laughed, like in the old days, and he’d said, You’re telling me? You sure you don’t want to sneak her in like you did with that little lady when you were in school? In those few brief moments, Derek had seen a flash of who his father had once been and had also been given his blessing. He tried to hang on to those thoughts and to keep the distressing ones at bay for as long as he could.
He squeezed Talia’s hand and said, “Ben called while you were in the shower.”
“He did?” She tucked her phone into her pocket and angled her body toward him. Her hair was pinned up and held in place with a big clip. She pushed her glasses to the bridge of her nose, looking seriously sexy in a fluffy white sweater. She looked beautiful with the sun shining behind her and her bright eyes intent on him.
“Yeah. He and your father are coming by Saturday morning while you’re shopping with the girls, remember?”
“Oh, right. I forgot. Ben’s a brilliant businessman, and my father knows his stuff when it comes to renovations. You know, Ben is an investor. Have you thought about what it might mean for you if you got an investor instead of raising the capital with only your friends?”
“I haven’t really thought about it, but if I got an investor, I probably wouldn’t have to spend all my savings on the renovations.”
Her face grew serious. “Would that mean you could stop dancing?”
“Tallie, I know it was a big step for you to accept my dancing.” He also knew she was still afraid to come see him dance again, and that was okay. There was a difference between pushing comfort zones and respecting the needs of the woman he loved. “But I have a plan, and that plan doesn’t include a life full of debt. If I want this project to come to fruition without giving up complete control, I need to stick to my plan.”
“I know,” she said softly. “I understand. I wasn’t asking you to stop. I just wanted to see if it would make a difference.”
He shrugged. “Maybe it would, but that’s a stretch.” He kissed the back of her hand. “They’re only coming by to see the house and look over the business plan. Don’t get your hopes up. I have to work until midnight Saturday. But we’ll see how it goes. We can talk about it when I get home. That is, if you’re still planning to come over after I get off work.”
She leaned across the car and kissed him. “If you think you can get rid of me by flaunting that sexy body onstage, you’ve got another thing coming. Although, I’m thinking you need a couple nice tattoos that say ‘Talia’s’ in the center of your chest and back, with arrows pointing in all directions.”
He laughed. “If you’re lucky, I’ll let you draw it on my body tonight, and we can discuss it.”
“With my mouth?” She leaned back in her seat and primly pushed her glasses up as if she hadn’t just set his groin on fire and said, “That’ll give you something to think about while you’re dancing Saturday night.”
When they arrived at the assisted-living center, those sexy thoughts peeled away like shed skin, leaving him raw and uncomfortable. He’d been there enough times to recognize the hotel-like atmosphere. The dark blue carpeting had a faint path leading from the lobby to a hallway on either side and to a wide stairwell just to the right of the desk. The air smelled a little too fresh. A picture-perfect elderly couple held hands on the diamond-patterned sofa in the lobby. The too-chipper eyes of the receptionist clearly conveyed, Leave your relatives with us. We’ll take good care of them! Those things should be reassuring, but there was a sense of finality about moving his father here that caused a sinking feeling in Derek’s gut.
Holly Carpenter, the saleswoman he’d met with months ago, extended her hand as she approached, dressed in a sharp pantsuit, her shoulder-length auburn hair perfectly coiffed. He guessed her to be in her midfifties, with kind eyes and a friendly personality that instilled trust. “Derek, it’s nice to see you again.”
“Thanks for making the time to show us around. This is my girlfriend, Talia Dalton. Talia, this is Holly Carpenter.”
“Moral support is so important at times like these,” Holly said as she shook Talia’s hand. “If you’ll follow me, we’ll go see Mr. Grant’s new accommodations. The room is in the midst of being painted and the carpeting will be replaced, but with a little vision, you can see how beautiful it will be.”
Derek held tight to Talia’s hand as they followed Holly down the wide hallway. It wasn’t lost on him that the reason a room had opened up was that someone had either passed away, moved to the nursing home, or had gone to hospice care. As they took the elevator up to the second floor, the thought made him a little sick.
When they reached the apartment, paint fumes hung in the air. Holly talked about the facility’s amenities and offered to show them around even though Derek had taken a full tour of the facility with his father when they’d first received his diagnosis and again a few months ago when, during a lucid moment, Jonah had insisted they make arrangements for him to be placed on the waiting list.
“This is really a lucky break that you got a room so quickly,” Holly said as she opened the balcony door.
Derek wasn’t sold on the idea, despite his father’s wishes.
“There’s a nice view of the grounds from this side of the building.” Holly waved outside. “I know you said you have a caretaker in mind to help with your father’s daily living, but as I’ve mentioned before, we have staff available to help with personal grooming, bathing, getting dressed. We’ll make sure medications are taken on time, and of course, we handle incontinence management . . .”
She went on to point out other services, such as housekeeping and linens, and security elements throughout the building. When she began talking about game nights and trips to the library, her voice became white noise to the guilt rising up within him.
“Is there any restriction to visitors coming and going as they please?” Talia asked.
Derek was glad she thought to ask, because he was in no shape to think of the right questions.
“Visitors are welcome at any time in this wing,” Holly said. “We encourage family members to visit often, and usually at the beginning they’re here on an almost daily basis. But that tends to wane when they realize their loved ones are taken care of and they get busy with other parts of their lives they couldn’t enjoy when they were caretaking.”
Derek ground his teeth together, silently vowing to never let his father become an afterthought. “Would you mind if we spent some time alone in the apartment?”
“Not at all.” Holly moved toward the door. “You know where my office is if you need me.”
After Holly left, Derek stepped onto the balcony, white-knuckling the railing, and inhaled a lungful of frigid winter air.
“You okay?” Talia crossed her arms to ward off the cold.
He pulled her into his arms, struggling against the weight of this decision. The desire to have his days and nights free was as strong as the desire to continue caring for his father.
“I guess. This is what he wants. I’m just not sure it’s the right time to do it.” He gazed out over the snow-covered grounds, remembering the grassy expanse and beautiful gardens they’d toured when they’d first visited. “They make it seem like my father will have a normal life here, with game nights and social interactions in the dining room, but is it ever ‘normal’ to have people dressing him and bathing him? My father can’t play games. He can’t even draw all the time anymore . . .” A lump swelled in his throat.
He raked a hand through his hair and strode inside, flexing his hands to try to channel his frustrations. “I can’t even picture him sitting here by himself. What would he do all day? He’s not so far gone that he never recognizes his surroundings. I can’t help but wonder if it would do more harm than good bringing him here now, when he’ll realize he’s not home. Would it be better to wait until he no longer recognizes his surroundings? Or is that too late?”
“Those are big concerns. Have you talked to his doctors?”
“Yes, but in the end it’s my decision. There’s no handbook for these things. His doctors provided the only guidance they could, and I have no idea if it was to cover their asses or their honest opinions, but I’d imagine it’s a combination of both. When I asked how I would know it was time to put his care into someone else’s hands, they said it was a familial decision based on how much a family could endure and where the patient would receive the best care. That’s the problem, Tallie. I don’t know if it’s worse for him or better for him to be with us. Maria and I are all he has.”
“And me, Derek. He has me now, too. And my family.”
He turned away at the sting of tears, and she touched his back.
“Is there a reason you feel like you need to do it now? Can he stay on the list until you’re sure?”
Is there a reason? Yeah, so we can try to have a normal relationship. He wasn’t about to put that guilt on her.
“I don’t know.” He traipsed into the bedroom and tried to imagine his father waking up without him or Maria there. Would he get used to another caretaker, or would he wake up feeling like he’d been tossed aside? Like he didn’t matter enough to remain in his home? Maria wanted to continue caring for him on a part-time basis even after he moved, but he’d have a new caretaker for the hours she or Derek weren’t available.
Derek turned, meeting Talia’s empathetic gaze. “When my father was first diagnosed, he made me promise not to give up my life to care for him. He even drew a cartoon of it, as if having it drawn by his hand would make it right, or easier.”
“I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here.” She placed her hand on his chest and said, “What does your heart tell you to do? Your father said he doesn’t want you to give up your life. But isn’t he a very big, very important part of your life? I don’t think he’d want you to do this if you don’t feel like it’s the right time. But I’ve also read about how hard caretaking can be on the caregiver. The internet is loaded with information about health ramifications. If it’s too hard for you, then your father would probably want you to bring him here. And no one would fault you one way or the other. But this is your life, Derek, as much as it’s his. You can only do what feels right for both of you, and only you know what that is.”
He embraced her, feeling like a bug trapped in a spider’s web. How could he possibly know what was best for any of them?
“If he were here, he’d have doctors and nurses on call twenty-four-seven,” Derek said. “Would that make it better for him? And you and I would have a chance at a normal relationship without walking on eggshells, worrying about whether my father is going to get agitated or confused. We could go on normal dates, have sex in every room of the house if we wanted to.”
She laughed softly, shaking her head. “Is that what’s going through your mind? Do you feel ripped off because you can’t make out in every room?”
“No. But you deserve a relationship without this type of burden. Not that I think my father’s a burden. He’s my father and he’s not a burden to me. But he’s not your father, Tallie, and you could have any number of men with less complicated lives.”
She rose onto her toes and kissed him. “You’re the only man I want, and I know what being with you means, so you need to take our relationship out of this equation. You’ve been up front and honest since the first day we met. Well,” she said with a tease in her eyes, “except for the first couple of classes you attended, but that’s a different story. One of the reasons I’m with you is because you have your priorities straight. Family is important to me, and I want to be with a man who feels the same way. So please don’t get confused because of our relationship. I’m with you, which means I’m with your father, too. If that means walking on eggshells for the next decade, I’m okay with it. Assuming we stay together, of course, but you know what I mean.”
He was filled with love and gratitude. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
“Team Grant all the way,” she said, loosening the knots in his gut. “And if you really want to have sex all over the house, we’ll ask Maria to stay with your dad one night and do it at my place.”
“How did I get lucky enough to find you?”
“It was that bull’s-eye on your chest, remember?”
As his lips met hers, he realized there was nothing reassuring about placing his father’s health in the hands of others, at least not yet. Not when he was already in the hands of the people who loved him most. But there was no holding back from giving the woman in his arms his whole heart, and that was the most reassuring reality of all.