Chapter 4
Billie tossed and turned long enough that she decided a midnight cup of coffee would serve her well. She figured Noah was asleep and that a little scouring of the kitchen would be fine. After a very uncomfortable few hours of being awake at the same time, Billie had opted to go to bed early, even though they both knew that she wasn’t actually sleeping.
Being states away from Noah had been hard enough, but being feet away from him? That was a torture she didn’t even realize existed until she’d closed her bedroom door and trapped all of her emotions inside her room with her. It was one thing to resent him from across the country, but to actually be under the same roof as him? Knowing now what he’d done for her and Laura? Well, that only made her question herself.
The stars were bright and the heat still lingered on the night air as she stepped outside, closing the front door as quietly as she could. If he was asleep, she didn’t want to chance waking him up, because as much as she tried to prepare herself for the inevitable showdown they were going to have… It was going to be just as volatile as their connection had always been, and she wasn’t so sure she could stand it.
The rocking chair Laura had loved to occupy was now empty, and exactly where Billie decided to take a seat. It shifted slightly beneath her, both from her weight and old age. It was the only thing that was left from their original days together as a family; Noah and his father built it together when she was sixteen, and he’d gifted it to her for her birthday. Laura never could quite sever that dream, that her and Noah would end up together again.
“You never forget your first love.”
Those words bounced out of that old woman’s mouth more times than Billie could count, and it never ceased to rub her the wrong way, which is exactly why Laura made mention of it so often. That old woman had loved to push Billie to be better, and one of the ways she’d wanted her to be better, was to be more forgiving.
Billie never really did learn the technique of it, choosing instead to simply move on from a situation instead of granting so much of herself. If it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out; if someone hurt her, she simply forgot they existed. Billie didn’t wasn’t time assessing the situation if it were severe enough, she just cut it out of her mind and out of her live and moved on.
That’s what she’d had to do with Noah, and it’d worked…for years, she hadn’t paid that idiot any mind. One phone call wrecked all that, wrecked her right down to her core, and she hated it. Part of being too strong was knowing her limits, and Billie knew that she was going to be sorely tested while he was in town. She wouldn’t be able to resist him if he pursued her hard enough.
If she knew Noah Osborne, she knew anyone, and that meant that it was inevitable that he he’d try to win her back. In one way or another, she knew, that he wouldn’t just leave it at her forgiving him. No, he’d want the whole kit and caboodle. He’d want her forgiveness, her time, and her love.
She didn’t want him to have any of it.
The slamming of the screen door against the worn wooden frame startled her. She didn’t bother to look up at Noah as he came to stand next to her, leaning against the railing behind him. She could feel his eyes on her, but she was adamant that she would not make eye contact.
He didn’t deserve it.
“You’re really gonna make me work for it, ain’t ya?”
“Ain’t nothin’ to work for, Noah. Just leave me be.”
His sexy ass voice formed a laugh she hadn’t heard in years and it had her stomach clenching. She wasn’t wearing a towel on her head or her robe anymore, instead opting for a floor-length silk nightgown to stave off the heat.
“Come on, baby, I know you better than anyone on this planet,” He murmured.
Billie tried, tried not to lose her cool.
“Don’t call me that. Maybe you used to know me, but now? We’re practically strangers.”
Only then did Billie chance looking up into his eyes; to make sure her point got made. Something flickered in his eyes that surprised her, something she didn’t expect to see; regret.
“It’s a shame I left you behind the way I did-”
Determined that she couldn’t hear what he was about to say, she stood and ;eft her coffee mug on the ground behind her. Before she could get inside, however, Noah wrapped an arm around her waist and yanked her backwards, bringing her spine into contact with his rock hard chest.
“I don’t wanna hear this,” She whispered.
Tears were stinging the backs of her eyes, threatening to fall, and she couldn’t breathe.
“You need to hear it. Whether or not you believe it is one thing, but Billie, I’m fuckin’ sorry,” He whispered heatedly.
It landed on the back of her neck and she fought like hell not to lean not the feeling of him holding her. It’d been so long since she felt the heat of another person against her skin, let alone Noah, that she trembled from the weight of it.
“No, no, no! For which part? Leaving me, or leavin’ your mama? For never returning even though you said you would, or for forgetting the both of us after you climbed onto that bike and rode away?”
Each word burned the back of her throat like acid, and it ached inside to say the words out loud, but she couldn’t let him talk to her back anymore. She ripped out of his grip and turned to face him, ready to hear what he had to say. Tears trickled down her flushed cheeks, but she didn’t care. Her long hair got caught in the breeze, a few strands lifting in front of her eyes, sticking to her wet eyelashes.
Noah watched her with those wide eyes that she still loved so much it hurt, and she wondered what was going on in his head.
“Billie-I’m sorry I left,” He said on a huff.
It was obvious he was just as affected by the situation as her, but she didn’t want his pity or his guilt. She didn’t even know if his genuine remorse could ease the hurt, because it would always be there between them now.
Before she could stop herself, Billie reared back and smacked him across the cheek as hard as her arm would allow. He jerked from the force of it, grunted under his breath, but he didn’t raise a hand against her. Maybe this Noah wasn’t so different from the one that she knew, but only time would tell, and time had never been on their side anyways.
Crying with her whole heart, Billie ran her hands through her hair and over her eyes before she looked up at him again. He looked sad, defeated, and she rejoiced in it for a moment; she wanted him to feel as badly as she had, she wanted him to know.
“I waited for you. I waited for you to come home, and you didn’t, and now mama is gone and it’s just me.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head and hesitated before she wrapped her arms around his neck and gripped him tight, her lips hovering over his ear.
“I loved you, Noah. I loved you more than I loved anyone, and you left me. All these years, and the only thing you can tell me is that you’re sorry? For what, exactly? For leaving me outside of our home, barefoot, and cryin’? For knowing that you were all I had, and throwing that back in my face? Forgiveness doesn’t live here, sweetheart. If that’s what you’re lookin’ for, then you’ll have to get back on that bike of yours, and let it lead you elsewhere. Go on, then. Leave. It’s what you’re good at. Six years may be a long time to some, but by the looks of you, your skill set hasn’t changed any.”
With tears sticking to her mouth and sadness wafting from her pores, Billie turned her back on Noah Osborne. It wasn’t a long walk back to her bedroom, not long at all, but by the time she reached her silk sheets, she felt like her entire world had been torn to pieces. She could feel it, underneath her skin, like a fever.
It would fester and it would hurt, but much like the first time, she’d eventually heal. All these years had done her good as far as healing went, and she didn’t make it this far just to lose her marbles over a man that didn’t have a lick of sense stuffed between his ears.
“You never forget your first love.”
She may not forget him, but she wouldn’t forgive him either, and that left Billie only one option: Move on.