Chapter Twenty Six – Prudence

This apartment doesn’t scare me anymore, it doesn’t have the same grip on my fear gland that it once did, despite the fact that it’s late at night, there are shadows dancing everywhere, and next door are yelling at one another like crazy. Over the last two and half weeks I’ve become very used to it. The noises are just noises, they aren’t coming for me or anything. I don’t like it, but I’m used to it.

No, it doesn’t scare me, but it does make me feel incredibly sad. It makes me feel lonely.

‘You coming out tonight?’ Alice texts me, just like she does most nights. She continues to reach out to me despite the fact that I hardly ever go. Maybe this should be the time where I’m out living life, recovering from my heart ache by dancing with men I haven’t met before, but I don’t want to. They love drinking and I really don’t. While I can enjoy myself without it, it always makes me feel a little bit left out. I’m on the outside, looking in, missing out just a little bit. I’m still a freak.

Alice, Becky, and the others are great, but they’re a bit too much for me. I’m too naïve for them.

‘Not tonight,’ I reply quickly. ‘Got plans with the boyfriend. Next time though!’

I never told her about things falling apart with me and Logan because I couldn’t stand to talk about it without sobbing for a while, and now I’m glad. It makes for a perfect excuse these days, the girls think I’m blowing them off for hot sex which apparently is very acceptable to do. It makes me feel better than telling them that I’m crying by myself anyway, trying to recover from a broken heart.

I wish that was the truth. I wish I could be with Logan, hugging, kissing, making love. I wish I could be in that safe place in his arms, with his warm love surrounding me, knowing that he completely belongs to me. I didn’t take that feeling for granted when I had it, but I didn’t savor it as much as I should have done because I didn’t think I’d have to let it go. I thought I would have it forever. Sometimes, I imagine that the fantasy life I share with the girls is true, and I pretend that I’m not a lonely fool who’s pushed everyone good away. It’s better than this, anyway.

Maybe I should have expected things to disintegrate in the way that they did, maybe it was wrong of me to think that we could actually be together forever, but I was… am deeply in love. I assumed that Logan was on the same page as me, but apparently, he could see the bigger picture. While I was tumbling into the abyss of emotion, he was already extracting himself, ready to move on. I don’t know how I didn’t see the signs, things felt perfect to me. Maybe him being so nice to me was all a part of his escape, and I’m so naïve that I didn’t know that unwritten code. Just further proof that I’m a child that tried too hard to step into adult shoes that I wasn’t ready for.

I step into the lukewarm shower that I have every day to wash the horror of working in this store every single day off of me. My first instincts, the ones that I had on my first day, were right. I might have gotten the hang of it now, but I hate it. I don’t like always feeling left behind with the girls, I hate Mr. Turner and his bullshit attitude that’s come to life more and more that time has passed, and I don’t like the way that the customers treat me. I’m in the wrong job, but I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know what else I could do, I feel very lost.

As the water runs over me, I let the tears run free. At least in here I can cry without feeling too messy and pathetic because no one can see me. I wish I could go back in time and do all of this again. Maybe if I hadn’t rung Logan on that first night, maybe if I kept away from him, then I could’ve done this right. He wouldn’t have lost his job because of me, I wouldn’t be in this mess, I would have simply gotten over my crush and life would be smooth. I would be okay.

“Damn it,” I mutter to myself while wiping the water from my face, pointlessly of course because the shower is still on, rushing over me. “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”

I punch the shower wall, hating everything about myself. Things should be better out here than at the center, but they aren’t. I miss everything about being there, even Leah and her big mouth. That noise was better than the yelling followed by rampant sex I’m forced to hear all the time. And now, because of what’s happened, I can’t even go back for a visit. I can’t even see them because of Logan.

Eventually, once I feel clean, I step out of the shower and I grab myself a towel. As I do every night I grab my cell phone and I stare at the screen, there’s only one message on there and it’s gone unreplied to for far too long: ‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru, Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’ I keep wanting to send him another but I can’t see the point. Logan made it very clear that we’re done and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that. He kicked me out, he severed all ties, and he’s given me no clue that things are about to change.

I’m on my own. No doubt about it. All by myself in this big stupid world.

Knock, knock. I glance towards the door in shock. Knock, knock.

I don’t know who that could be, no one knows where I live aside from Logan, not even Alice. There isn’t anyone this can be. It won’t be him, I’m sure of it. It can’t be.

“Hello?” I call out anxiously. No way I can answer the door without knowing exactly who’s on the other side of it. Especially not while I’m undressed. “Who’s there?”

I grab a pair of sweat pants and throw them on my body, then I scurry around for a top.

“Ma’am, it’s the police.” My heart stops absolutely dead in my chest. “We have been trying to get in touch with you for some time. Can we come in and have a chat, please?”

The police? Since I haven’t been in trouble about anything, there’s only one thing this can be about and it’s the last thing I want to deal with. I cannot believe the center pushed it this far, especially when it’s long done which I assume they must know since he must have gone back to get his job. What the hell is the point of this aside from torturing and punishing me?

“Erm, hang on a moment.” I really need to be dressed for this. “I’ll be right there.”

“Okay, Ma’am, we’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

Fuck, how the hell am I going to do this? What’s this going to be like? I scrabble around and grab things while my brain spins. Am I going to be in real trouble too? I guess I don’t really know anything. All I know is that I fell in love and that’s all that matters. But will they see it that way? I’m going to have to try. I’m going to defend my love until the bitter end no matter what it takes?

I stare at my wrists quickly, imaging handcuffs around them. My God, what if I end up in jail? What if I get locked up in an institution again? Only a much worse one than before. It doesn’t bear thinking about. I can’t stand the idea of it, it absolutely terrifies me.

I stare at the door for a moment, pausing, wondering if I’m letting in hell by opening it, but really, I know that I have to. I don’t have any choice but to face the consequences for what I’ve done. Logan has had to face it and now it’s my turn.

Do this, I warn myself desperately. Face this, do it for him.

***

I collapse into bed hours later, feeling all the emotional energy drain from my body completely. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to but it’s over now. I managed to prove without a doubt that nothing happened while I was at the center and that the emails were merely a young girl reaching out to a friend that she could trust. I was honest too, mostly, I don’t think I fully explained how I felt about him then, but that’s my fault not his. He doesn’t deserve to be punished.

I didn’t say much about what happened after we left the center because they didn’t ask me. That’s my business anyway, I was officially an adult by then. It was up to me what I do.

It’s not going to go any further, thankfully that was something that I had to make a decision on which means I got to end it. Logan might not ever know what I’ve done but that hardly matters. I didn’t do it for recognition, I did it because it’s the right thing to do. For both of us.

Of course there’s a part of me that wants to tell him, but that’s because I want to tell him everything I want to talk to him about all that happens in my life. But I can’t. It’s better if I try to get some sleep instead. I’m slowly recovering from my addiction to Logan, and I don’t want to go back.

With a deep sigh, I click the cell phone off so I don’t even have the small temptation any more. Maybe it’s time for me to get a new one. Logan gave me this, it’s a constant reminder of him. Plus, if I have a new number I won’t be able to wonder all the time if he’s going to message me, because it’ll be impossible for him to do so. A clean break, that’s the way it needs to be. I have to accept that it’s time to give him up forever. It isn’t going to ever be how I want it to be.

I will have tonight to mourn for one last time, but then I have to get over this. I need to make plans to actually move on. Maybe I should move house, leave the city, start afresh. Get a job I like, make friends that are closer to my age and that I have more in common with, girls I actually feel like I can be honest with, and maybe fall in love again… only this time with someone much more appropriate. Someone who can properly love me back and that the world won’t be against.

As I close my eyes, I dream about that life. I imagine myself shaking off the shackles of the mess that I’ve made here, starting again in a brighter, happier life. I picture myself leaving all of this behind and forgetting about it. I don’t want to be the girl who runs away all the time, but maybe that’s what I need to be for the time being. Just until I finally get it right.

That has to come eventually, right? There has to be a time when I get it right, when my life finally starts making sense. I can’t keep on making mistake after mistake forever. Surely?