Chapter Twelve – Prudence

I can feel Logan, creeping through my veins, consuming me entirely. He’s everything, everywhere, my drug that I can’t get enough hits of. I know that I’m obsessed, he’s all that I can think about, but I simply cannot stop. What I felt for him before was simply a deep connection, a special friendship that I couldn’t live without. Now, I have to assume that it’s love. I care about him more than anything or anyone else, and that only gets stronger with each passing second.

I know it’s unwise, but I keep thinking that when I’m legally an adult, when I’m out of this place for good and I’m living alone, then maybe we can finally be together. I have his contact information, he’s keen for me to keep in touch… it has to be so. I’ll invite him out for a drink with me one night in a bar and then see what happens. Or maybe I’ll ask him to dinner, or even breakfast. Once I’m all settled and I’m in a good place, he’ll have to start taking me seriously.

The thing is, I’m very sure that he loves me too, I can see it in his eyes. He knows it, but right now he can’t act on it because I’m at the center, but that won’t be the case for very much longer.

“You’ve had a productive weekend,” he says thinly as his eyes run over the ideas I have had. “You’ve set out a basic budget based on the wages you’ll get from that job, and you’ve emailed about the apartment too. I’m very proud of you, this is all very good work. You must be proud.”

“Well, the apartment does want a deposit, so I’m trying to figure out how much because I might need to get a loan to get me started, but yes aside from that it all looks good. The shop was glad I called them because they really want me working there… so that’s pretty awesome…”

“I’ll always loan you the money,” Logan interrupts rapidly. “I mean, if you’re struggling to get hold of it. I know that you want to get out of here quickly, so anything that I can do to help with that I will. It shouldn’t be too much, it wasn’t the biggest apartment so I imagine it’ll be a couple hundred dollars or so. I don’t think it should be too much more than that.”

I can’t help but smile at his generous offer. This only confirms to me that he wants me too. He wants to get me out of the center as quickly as I do because we cannot kick things off between each other until I’m gone. If he didn’t want me to leave, he would simply tell me to stay while I worked enough hours to save up the deposit money. That’s the sensible thing to do, and others have been forced to… no, Logan wants me out of here for a reason, and I know exactly what it is.

“Thank you so much, that is so kind of you, Logan.” It still feels strange to call him that inside this office, but I’m going to keep doing it to remind him that I’m an adult. “I really appreciate it.”

We share a moment of intense eye contact, and I’m overcome with a feeling of safety. There isn’t anyone who will ever make me feel like he does, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust anyone with my life like I do Logan. I’m pretty sure that makes him the one for me. He’s my love and I cannot wait until we get the chance to explore that properly in every single way. I’m craving him desperately. My body is crying out for him, as is my heart.

“Well you’ve done so much good stuff here, I don’t want money to be the factor that holds you back. Then we can set up a fair payment plan so you can return the money to me as you can afford it, without any of the crazy interest that you would get anywhere else.”

Ooh, a payment plan, that means I’ll have to see him weekly to give him cash. That sounds amazing. Anything to keep us connected is perfect by me. I’ll have to ensure it lasts forever.

“Yep, sounds great. Thank you.” I stand up, ready to leave only because my appointment time is up and it’s about to be someone else’s turn. I don’t want to go, I want to spend every minute of every day with Logan, but I can do it because I’m sure soon enough I’ll have him all to myself, all the time. “So, I suppose I’ll see you next week then? Unless you want to see me before Monday?”

He pauses, I can see him racking his brain for any reason why it would be appropriate for him to see me but nothing comes to mind quick enough. That doesn’t matter, it’s a shame but the fact that he thought about it is enough for me. He wants to see me, even if he can’t.

“Nope, I think Monday will be fine. If you want to see me before then that’s okay. Just send me an email and let me know. I’ll see if I can fit you in.”

***

I lie on my bed, staring at the tablet screen with trembling fingers. I’ve managed to nab some time on it because Logan told the other staff members that I need it to get my life in order. Thankfully, no one has questioned me on exactly what I’m doing which is perfect because I’ve spent the last half an hour trying to craft the perfect email to Logan. He did tell me to message him if I want him, and I do. I’m just trying to figure out what for.

I know I’ll be able to message him as much as I want the moment I get out of here, but I’m impatient. I want to start now. I want to get the ball rolling because I’m so excited.

“What you doing?” Leah hisses from her bed. “Turn that tablet off, it’s late. We aren’t supposed to use it this late. Don’t you know the rules by now, Perfect Prudence?”

I roll my eyes at her prissy tone. Leah spends half her life breaking the rules, so this isn’t anything to do with that. This is her being annoyed because I have special privileges at the moment. Still, I don’t want to wind her up at the moment, I can’t be doing with any added drama.

“Sorry,” I mutter, while throwing the duvet up over my head to cover up the light.

That actually makes my time alone with the tablet feel a little more private, which helps me to craft my very innocent email, that feels like it’s the naughtiest thing in the whole entire world.

‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru. I’m not emailing you for an extra appointment or anything, I just want to say thank you for all your help. You’ve been very kind to me and I appreciate it very much.’

It isn’t anything that I haven’t said to his face, so maybe it’s a bit pointless but I have to start the communication somehow and I don’t want to dive right in with anything that might be considered risky. That’s just a simple, normal message that expresses nothing but thanks.

Seconds later, the tablet flashes up with a reply which makes my heart pound. It can only be Logan emailing me back which is thrilling and horrifying all at once. I don’t know if I expected him to message me back really, and certainly not this quickly. I wonder if he’s lying in bed, feeling as excited and nervy as I do. I wonder if now he’s clutching his screen, waiting eagerly for my reply.

‘Hi Pru, thank you very much for your email, that was a very nice surprise. You know that you are always welcome, you are a very special lady who deserves to have someone looking out for her. I am in all week, so if you change your mind and you do wish to see me, please do.’

I could leave it there if I wanted to, but I don’t. My entire body buzzes with excitement as I rapidly hit the reply button. I was tired before, but now I’m wide awake than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I feel like I’ve been eating sugar all day long and now I’m high as a kite. I could stay up all night long shooting messages back and forth with Logan, I just know it.

This time, because of the late hour and the privacy of my own duvet prison, on top of the crazy high that I’m currently riding, I decide to go just a tad more risqué, just to see what I can get from it.

‘I’m glad that when I leave I’ll be living in the city so I won’t be too far from you,’

As soon as I hit the send button, a sick feeling of shame and regret floods me. That’s something I definitely shouldn’t have done, I can see that now. Every single time I refresh the page and I don’t have anything back, it makes my head spin and spiral down into a deep dark place. It’s like being on a roller coaster, the massive high has given way to a giant dip and I don’t like it one bit. Until…

‘Yes, me too. I’ll be glad that I can still keep an eye on you… if you need me to.’

Oh, thank God, he’s messaged me back! And with a bit of a possessive, protective message too which feels nice. I like the idea of him hiding in every corner, watching me, protecting me from a distance, ready to leap out and hold me at any given moment. It makes me feel loved and excited.

‘I will always need you to.’

At that moment, the battery light flashes up which means I really need to turn the tablet off and charge the battery if I don’t want to go through hell tomorrow. I make sure that I log out of everything possible so there isn’t any way of anyone reading my emails by mistake (or on purpose, if it’s Leah), then I step quietly out of the bed to find the wall plug. Logan knows what the routines in this place are like anyway, he’ll know that I’m not ignoring him.

I also hope that my simple message is an effective one and he gets how I feel!

Once I get back into bed and I snuggle down with my eyes closed, my brain concocts a wonderful dream about me and Logan. Only this time, it isn’t all sweetness and light, romance and flowers. It’s steamier, sweatier, and a whole lot sexier. I even think about what his naked body might look like, and in my mind, it’s a wonderful sight to behold! As I imagine him slowly stripping me down and making sweet, passionate love to me, I feel more grown up than ever before.

I’m starting to see myself as an adult, just as everyone else is too.

Dream Logan makes me feel beautiful and sexy, which is something I wouldn’t be able to achieve without him. He looks at me in a way that suggests he genuinely does see me as pretty. The funny thing is he knows all the ugly sides to me, he’s seen me at my worst, and he still feels something for me. If that isn’t true love then I don’t know what is. How could anyone want anything more than a man who thinks they are beautiful even when they aren’t? I know that I don’t. My life will be perfect if I can have him in it, it’ll be the full picture of happiness that I’ve been searching my whole life for.