Landon found Royce on the couch buried up to his neck in biology texts when he slammed into the apartment. Royce head whipped up and after one look, scrambled to close his books and binders. He shoved them off to the side before he stood and rushed to Landon.
“What the fuck happened?” he asked, taking Landon’s arm and guiding him to the couch.
Landon allowed himself to be pulled along, not wanting to focus on any one thing. His mind was still whirling. How had it all gone sideways so fast? How had he screwed it all up?
And a part of him, a small part that Landon wanted to ignore, was wondering what he could do to make it right.
“Landon?”
Landon shook his head as he sat on the couch. Bending forward, he rested his head in his hands. Royce sat beside him, rubbing a hand over Landon’s back.
“Derek found out about the audition,” Landon said. A wave of exhaustion flowed over him. He shook his head, trying to clear it. “He wasn’t exactly thrilled.”
When Landon had told Royce about his upcoming audition for a transfer, Royce had been furious.
“I was kidding about that! You can’t go! I don’t want you to go!”
“Royce, calm down,” Landon had tried at first. That seemed to fire up Royce further. Royce called it his red-headed privilege.
“No, you don’t get to tell me to calm down. If I had known this thing between you and Derek was going to result in your leaving, I never would have allowed it. This isn’t fair!”
“Royce!” Landon had attempted to grab Royce’s shoulders. Royce shrugged him away, pacing away from Landon. “I’m sorry. I really am. But you know, no matter the outcome of this thing between Derek and I, this is what I’ve gotta do.”
Royce had stormed away then, too angry to admit that Landon may have had a point. They didn’t speak to each other for nearly a week. Landon felt more and more guilty every time he packed a bag to stay the night at Derek’s house. Finally, Royce had made Landon’s favorite meal in apology, an olive branch.
“I’m still pissed,” Royce had said. “But I’ll support you.”
Landon had hugged Royce hard until Royce had been gasping for air and pushing him away laughing.
Now, the hand on his back paused.
“And you told Derek why you were doing it?” Royce asked, bringing Landon back to the present.
“He wouldn’t let me. Just kept going on about how I couldn’t keep a secret, that I wanted to leave, and how he couldn’t trust me.” Landon lifted his head, staring straight into nothing. “And he’s right.”
“Bullshit,” Royce said, the word as sharp as bullet. “That’s pure and utter bullshit. If he had listened to you, really understood why you did what you did, I bet he would have forgiven you.”
“No, Royce,” Landon shook his head. “There’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have treated him that way.”
Royce stood from the couch and walked toward the kitchen. Landon heard Royce pull open the freezer a moment and then open a close a door. A few seconds later, a pint of chocolate ice cream appeared in front of his face. He took it without a word, giving Royce a watery smile as Royce resumed his seat.
“Now,” Royce began. “You’re going to eat your ice cream and you’re going to listen to me. Comprendé?”
Landon nodded, pulling the lid off the pint.
“Good. Yes, keeping secrets in a relationship is wrong. And don’t tell me it wasn’t a relationship. You and I both know it was. At least the beginning of one. Even if you two morons hadn’t defined it yet. However. Listening and communication is also a big factor. The fact that Derek didn’t even want to listen to you, that’s a problem. And that’s not your fault. You need to put that on him.”
Landon nodded, his eyes burning.
“Should you have told Derek your plan right away to transfer? I don’t know. I personally would have waited, I think. You’re still your own man and can make your own decisions. You two still hadn’t even talked about the status of your relationship, right?”
Landon shook his head in agreement, scooping more ice cream.
“Regardless, that still doesn’t explain why Derek reacted the way he did. And maybe we’ll never know why he turned out to be such a dick to you. But I will say that it’s completely his loss.”
Landon leaned toward Royce, nestling his head against his best friend’s shoulder.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
Royce lifted the spoon from Landon’s hand, scooping some ice cream and plopping it into his own mouth. “My friendship tax,” he said in explanation. Landon smiled and gave a little chuckle.
“You deserve the whole pint,” Landon argued.
Royce lifted his hand to Landon’s hair, playing with the strands. They sat in silence, Landon relaxing against Royce’s shoulder.
Royce had always been there for Landon, though thick and thin. Through the nightmares of high school and its aftermath. Even when the rest of the town had turned their backs on Landon and his family, Royce had been steadfast. Landon had asked once why Royce had stood by him all that time.
“You’re my brother,” he had said, as though Landon should have known better.
Tears leaked from the corners of Landon’s eyes and onto Royce’s shirt.
“Will that day always haunt me?” Landon asked.
The memories threatened to choke him. He remembered how excited, elated, nervous he had been as he walked out behind the school. This deep, dark secret of his had finally been freed, if only to the boy he’d admired for so long. That was all he remembered before he had woken up in the hospital.
The doctors had called it post-traumatic amnesia due to head injury. They weren’t optimistic the memories would return.
Landon had been relieved they hadn’t.
Though the aftermath had more than made up for it.
Royce tugged on Landon’s hair, prompting Landon to sit back up.
“No,” Royce said, meeting Landon’s eyes. His gaze was fierce and Landon was ready to believe anything Royce would say. “Not if you don’t let it. That asshole and his cronies deserve to rot in hell for what they did to you. Don’t give him any more power over you. He’s gone. You never have to see him ever again, remember? He doesn’t exist to you.”
Landon nodded before shutting his eyes and leaning back against the couch.
“Now what?” he asked.
“Now, you keep practicing. Now, you get ready for that audition. San Francisco Conservatory of Music is giving you the chance of a lifetime. You need to go after it. This is not about Derek. It should never have been about Derek. This is about you. Your life. Your future. You need to do this.”
Landon nodded, not opening his eyes. “You’re right.”
“Of course, I’m right,” Royce said, his tone haughty. Landon laughed. “But you can start that tomorrow. Right now, all you have to worry about is eating your ice cream and getting through the next movie I have planned for us.”
“Oh, God,” Landon groaned, finally opening his eyes and meeting Royce’s evil grin. Royce had a gift for discovering the worst movies. “What is it?”
“Only the best of the 80’s, my friend.”
Derek marched down the hallway, an icy mask in place. Students and professors gave him a wide berth. He needed to get to his office.
It was only Tuesday. Four days since Derek had lost his mind, yelled at Landon and demanded he leave.
He was still ashamed. Still hurting.
The night hadn’t gone at all like he had planned. He had hoped for a discussion about why Landon hadn’t told Derek about the audition. Why Nina even knew about them. But the more time he had to think on it, the more the anger brewed. By the time Landon had arrived, Derek had worked himself up past the point of reason. And when Landon confessed that Royce knew… Derek saw red.
It has been the slamming door that brought Derek out of his rage. And immediately regretted what he had done.
He had behaved abysmally.
And perhaps the worst part of it all, was finally admitting to himself that he had been falling in love with Landon. The idea of Landon leaving him had scared him, had hurt him. But instead of talking to Landon about it, he had lashed out. Chased Landon away.
As much as he wanted to find Landon and apologize, Derek couldn’t. Deep down, he knew it was better this way.
Landon was leaving. A clean break would be better for both of them.
Derek slipped inside his office and locked the door. He didn’t bother turning on the light. He didn’t want anybody to know he was there. Instead, he sat down at his desk and stared blankly at the sound tiles adorning the ceiling.
Landon had skipped rehearsal and his theory class yesterday. On one hand, Derek was grateful he didn’t have to see Landon so soon. On the other hand, Derek also worried about Landon’s understanding of the material for theory.
Derek shook his head.
Not my problem.
In truth, as a professor, it was his problem. But if the student was unwilling to put in the effort, there was only so much he could do about it.
He did know that Landon had spent almost the entire day in the practice rooms. It wasn’t hard to pick up the bright sound of his horn in the hallways. Derek had to admit to himself, Landon sounded incredible. On more than one occasion, he had to force himself to keep walking, to not turn around and open the door.
That could only end in misery.
A knock sounded on Derek’s door, startling him from his thoughts. He frowned. His office lights were off. Why would somebody be knocking? It looked like he wasn’t even here.
He glared at the door. He would sit still and wait the visitor out. Odds are, it was just a student who wasn’t paying that much attention and would get the picture when he didn’t answer.
Except the intruder kept knocking.
“Professor Serrano, I know you’re in there.”
Shit.
The voice was unfamiliar to him but the no-nonsense tone prompted Derek to move. He was more than a little curious who was presumptuous enough to disturb a professor who clearly didn’t want to be.
Making his way to the door, he yanked it open.
The red hair and green eyes looked vaguely familiar. Before he could catch himself, Derek gave the man a confused look. He was definitely not a student of his. Or if he was, the student was in deep trouble for the semester.
“When a professor has their office lights off and door closed, it usually means they do not wish to be disturbed,” Derek said.
The young man pursed his lips and gave Derek a pointed look. “And when somebody keeps knocking anyway, it usually means it’s important.”
Derek lifted an eyebrow at the man. Touché.
After a moment’s pause, Derek stepped back. It was clear his visitor wasn’t going to state the nature of the visit out in the hallway.
“Come in,” he said.
Derek watched as the young man made his way to his desk chair and plopped himself down. Derek felt his left eye twitch. He closed the door.
“May I ask who you are?” Derek asked.
“Royce Thompson. Landon’s roommate.”
Shock coursed through Derek.
The concert. That’s where he had seen the young man before.
Derek immediately opened the door. “Out. I have nothing to say to you.”
“Nope. I’m not going anywhere until you listen to me.”
Derek stared at Royce, who was busy swiveling his chair from left to right. He looked perfectly content to sit there all afternoon. Derek grit his teeth and shut the door again. Then he walked to his piano bench and took a seat.
“Say your piece then.”
“Oh, so you’re actually going to listen to me?” Royce shot back, eyebrows raised.
Derek narrowed his eyes, not deigning to respond.
Royce shrugged. “Landon may have messed up, sure. I’ll give you that. But you messed up, too.”
Derek growled before he could stop himself.
“Woah,” Royce said, raising his hands and leaning back. “OK. Probably not the best way to start a conversation. Sorry. Let me start over.” Royce cleared his throat. “Landon is a mess.”
Derek looked toward his bookcases, not wanting Royce to see what effect those words had on him. He didn’t want to know the results of how he treated Landon. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it now.
“Did he tell you what happened to him when he was in high school?” Royce asked.
That caught Derek’s attention. He looked back at Royce, eyes narrowed. Then shook his head.
“We grew up in a very rural town. Met when we were in preschool and were inseparable ever since. I knew before Landon even realized he was gay. He came out to me, terrified. He knew his parents would be disappointed, if not completely disgusted by him. It was expected that he would find a nice girl and settle down, take over the ranch. Just like his dad before him. Etcetera. And small towns aren’t exactly known for their welcoming and open-minded attitudes. So, we decided that we were going to keep it a secret, just between the two of us.”
Derek felt a twisting in his gut. A secret. Landon had had to keep a part of himself hidden for most of his adolescence.
“But then Landon fell in love,” Royce continued, pulling Derek away from his thoughts. “It was with one of the hottest guys in school, of course. His name was Josh Kirkwood. But the guy wasn’t just hot. He was smart. And he knew right away that Landon had the hots for him.”
Derek gritted his teeth together. He knew where this was going. And it wasn’t making him feel any better.
“One day, Josh pulled all of Landon’s strings and convinced Landon to take a chance on him. He took Landon out behind the school, clear past the furthest baseball fields, down the cross-country track. He told Landon it would be safe, being so far away from everyone. And there was a perfect view of the river. Nice and romantic, like. Landon fell for it hook, line, and sinker. The second Josh had Landon where he wanted him, Josh and most of the varsity football team ambushed him.”
Derek had to look away. He clenched his hands tightly together, knuckles white. He had heard of hate crimes in schools before, but never had it affected anybody he cared so deeply about. He wanted to find the asshole that hurt Landon. Find him and string him up.
“That’s how Landon’s parents found out he was gay. That’s how the whole school, the whole town found out that the Woods family had a gay son. Their ranch began to suffer. People didn’t want to do business with a family that had a gay son. People wanted them to leave.”
Derek couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Didn’t Landon’s parents do anything to help their son? Why wouldn’t they leave?
“The last couple of years in that town was hell for Landon. His dad absolutely refused to give up on the farm, despite his mom’s requests. Eventually, the fear died down, once they realized Landon wasn’t going to do anything to any of their sons. But it wasn’t uncommon for Landon to have a black eye a couple times a month. But he took it, just kept looking forward to the day when he could get out of that goddamn town.”
Silence filled the office. Derek felt his hands begin to shake. Anger filled him. Not at Royce or Landon, but at Landon’s hometown. At that community. At that boy who ruined Landon’s adolescence. Derek had had an easy time coming out. Sure, his father was less than pleased, but he had the support of his brother and mother. And they lived in San Francisco, home to one of the largest LGBT communities in the world. Derek had never felt threatened for who he was.
But Landon.
Derek felt his stomach churn. He felt like he was going to be sick.
“I’m telling you this so you understand why Landon did what he did. He didn’t want another secret to keep, though he knew the reasons why. He didn’t want to be ashamed of who he was, and he definitely doesn’t want another result like the last time. He wanted to tell everybody about you. He wanted to build a relationship with you and the only solution he found was to transfer schools.”
Derek stood and began to pace the short length of his office. Hope began to pool in his stomach.
Landon hadn’t wanted to leave him. He had wanted to be with him.
“Why didn’t he say anything to me?” Derek asked, more to himself than to Royce.
“Because you wouldn’t listen.”
Derek winced. The words were harsh, but true. And he deserved them.
Now that he knew Landon’s true intentions, he wanted to stop everything and go to him. He wanted to apologize, to beg for forgiveness. To confess how he truly felt about him.
Would Landon even listen to him? Or had he given up?
Derek turned to Royce.
“Why are you telling me this now?” he asked.
Royce rolled his eyes.
“He’s miserable without you. It’s driving me crazy. He’s serious about the transfer. His audition is at the end of the week and I don’t think he’s slept a wink. He’s also serious about you. You may be the one for him, who knows. And I needed to know how you felt. Now I know that not only do you care for him as much as he cares for you, but you do not deserve him. Not one bit. But you make him happy. And that means the world to me.”
Derek stared at Royce, unable to even glare at him. Of course Derek didn’t deserve Landon. He knew that. But to have Landon’s best friend say that to him didn’t inspire a lot of confidence.
“You’re a good friend,” Derek found himself saying. And he meant it.
Royce’s eyes widened. Then he blushed. “Well, yeah. He would do the same for me, I suppose.”
Derek sat back down on the piano bench, thinking. How could he get Landon to know he was serious, that he wanted them to be together and to share it with the world?
And above all, to show that he loved Landon.
The idea of love had always terrified Derek. But now that it glowed warmly inside his chest, he couldn’t imagine his life without it.
Looking at Royce, Derek gave him a grin.