Vivian
My dreams are wild. Landon is in every single one of them. No matter what I do, I can’t get away from his sculpted, perfect face. In one dream, we’re on the back of his bike, driving frantically along the lip of a cliff. I’m afraid–my hands are wrapped around Landon’s muscular body and I’m holding him close. But no matter how loudly I scream, it’s not enough for Landon to realize that I’m scared. I know that it’s only a matter of time before the rock below us crumbles and Landon’s bike tumbles into the sea. But still, Landon won’t turn away. The dream ends in a chilling panic with us falling through the air, falling closer and closer to the valley below with terrifying speed.
The next dream is even worse. Landon and I are sitting around the table with the other members of Blacktop Chaos. All of the men, including Landon, are talking about what it’s like to fuck a new woman for the first time. Having to listen to Landon talk about another woman is upsetting, but no matter how much I cry out or ask him to stop, he doesn’t listen to me. Finally, when I get up from my chair and walk over to him, it’s like I’m not even in the room. By the end of the dream, I’m on my hands and knees, begging for Landon to hear me out. But it’s like I don’t exist at all. I’m just a spirit or a figment of my own imagination.
When I wake up, I’m soaked to the bone with perspiration. My sweater is damp, and clings to my skin like I’ve been out in the middle of a rainstorm. My hair is soaked too. It’s almost like it never dried. I lick my dry lips, darting my tongue out of my mouth.
There’s laughter and voices coming from the other room. For a moment, I don’t remember everything that happened with Landon before I fell asleep. But then the realization dawns on me and my chest feels weak once more. He doesn’t love me, I think as a lump swells in my throat. He doesn’t love me, and he never will.
I’m angry that Landon’s invited people over. Even though I know I can’t expect kindness from him, I feel slighted that he’s already forgotten about hurting me.
The least he could do is respect that I’m heartbroken right now, I think angrily as I climb out of bed. Turning on the lights in the bedroom brings an unwelcome rush of pain to my head. Clapping my hand to my forehead, I stumble backwards and fall down on the bed with a gasp.
I’m a fucking mess.
The laughter and voices continue. Irritatingly enough, it sounds like there’s more than one person visiting Landon. After stewing in my own anger for a few moments, I stand up and walk over to the dresser. Yanking a brush through the snarls of my wet hair doesn’t do much for my appearance. If anything, I look worse than before. I toss my wet sweater on the floor and pull on a clean shirt, one of the only clean ones that I have left. Paired with jeans, I look like a school kid.
As much as I’d like to curl back up in bed and sleep, I can’t ignore the sounds coming from the other room. And my stomach is growling.
I hate that I’m hungry. It seems offensive for my body to betray me at a time like this. We’re supposed to be heartbroken, I think as I glare at my reflection in the mirror. This is no time to want food. But my stomach doesn’t listen.
I know I can’t hide in my room forever. At some point, I’m going to have to face Landon again. Before I yank the door open, I plaster a grin on my face. I need to look like I’m having fun, or at least, look like I’ve somehow managed to forget about this morning.
“Hey,” Landon says when I open the door. He’s smiling and his blue eyes are crinkled with laughter. Cigarette smoke wafts through the room, making my eyes sting.
For a dreadful moment, I feel like I’m going to cry again.
“Hey,” I manage to reply, trying to keep my voice as casual and calm as possible.
“Hey, girl!” The voice belongs to Robin. She stands up from one of the couches and walks over to me. Before I can stop her, she pulls me into a tight hug. The human contact feels so good. I almost want to sink against her comforting, reassuring, older body.
“Hey,” I say. “How are you?”
Robin pulls away and chuckles. “I’m fine,” she says. “We just came over to hang out with Landon.” She frowns as she examines my face more closely than before. “Are you okay? You look tired.”
I force a yawn. “I just woke up,” I say.
“Sorry if we woke you,” Robin replies. She smiles guiltily. “Come get a drink with me?”
I glance over my shoulder at Landon and Blade. They’re poring over a book of CDs, not even looking up. My heart hardens when I watch the easy way Landon laughs.
It’s like this morning never even happened. We’ve already gone back to being strangers.
“Sure,” I tell Robin. She jerks her head towards the kitchen and reluctantly, I follow her. As we walk past Landon and Blade, Landon gives no sign whatsoever that he knows I’m in the room.
In the kitchen, I pull open the fridge and hand Robin a cold beer. For a moment, I think about getting a soda. But something in me wants more than just sugar and bubbles, so I grab a beer for myself. I try to pop the bottle open on the counter the way that I saw Landon do it, but my hands are clumsy and the bottle slip from my hands.
Thankfully, Robin reaches down and grabs it with lightning-fast reflexes. She smiles wryly as she twists her fingers around the cap and pops it off with ease. My cheeks burn bright red.
“Screw top,” Robin says dryly. She hands me the bottle and we clink them together before drinking. The beer tastes sour, yeasty, and disgusting to me as I’m not used to it. But the feeling of alcohol flowing across my tongue is satisfying, and I close my eyes and tilt the bottle back, drinking until I feel light-headed.
When I open my eyes, Robin is watching me critically. She narrows her eyes and takes a long pull off her bottle without looking away.
“What?” I shrug. “What’s wrong?”
Robin rolls her eyes. “Spill,” she says.
“What?” I bite my lip and try to look as innocent as I can. “What are you talking about?”
Robin sighs. “Vivian, I’m not a mind reader, but I can tell something’s really bothering you.” She smirks and takes a long swig. “And I’d bet anything that it has to do with Landon.”
The mention of Landon’s name is enough to turn my stomach. It’s pathetic, but I realize that I’ve got no claim on the man I’ve fallen in love with. He doesn’t belong to me–he belongs to the MC, to Blacktop Chaos. He’s the heir apparent. Hell, my father knows Landon better than I do.
The realization stings and I cringe visibly.
“Come on, Vivian,” Robin says in a warning tone. “You can talk to me, girl. You don’t have to worry.”
I sigh, leaning against the counter and exhaling sharply. “Yeah,” I mumble after a second. “How do I know you’re not just gonna go and tell Blade everything I say?” I stare at Robin until the hair on the back of my neck goes up.
“Because I’m your friend, Viv,” Robin says patiently. “I’m his old lady, yeah. But I’m your friend. Haven’t you ever had a good girlfriend before?”
I frown. The problem isn’t so much that I’ve never had a close girlfriend, but that I’ve never really had any “boy problems,” so to speak. I’m not even sure how to start talking about what happened between me and Landon. The thought alone makes me so uncomfortable that I can barely stand up.
I sigh and shrug. “I’ve never really had a boy problem,” I say, feeling like an elementary school kid in front of streetwise Robin. Even though she has to be about my age, if not younger, I know she’s way ahead of me in terms of worldly smarts. She has the tattoos—and the scars—to prove it.
Robin giggles. “Well, what happened?” She leans close. “Do you want to go outside?”
I shake my head quickly. “I can’t,” I say, aware that it makes me sound like a moron. “But I don’t mind if Landon hears.” That’s an obvious lie, but Robin makes no comment. She just nods her head, waiting for me to begin.
“You can talk to me,” Robin says gently, after a long pause. “It’s really okay, Vivian. I promise I won’t tell a soul.” She mimes drawing a finger across her lips, twisting her hand like a key, then tossing the invisible protection over her shoulder. The gesture makes me smile. I haven’t seen anyone do that since grade school.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I say finally. “I so badly want to talk to him, but he’s crazy. It’s like, one instant, we’re in love. And then the very next moment, he’s a world away.” Tears come to my eyes and I blink them away hastily, tossing back a huge mouthful of beer. “It’s so confusing I feel sick, Robin.”
Robin nods sympathetically. “I can tell,” she says in a quiet voice. She steps closer and wraps an arm around me, pulling me close. As we hug, her scent of mentholated cigarettes and musky perfume washes over me.
“I just wish this was all over,” I say quietly. “I assume Blade told you about why I’m here?”
Robin nods. “He did,” she says quietly. “And I’m sure everything will get back to normal soon. Landon told Blade that he has a few leads about who tried to kidnap you.”
Hearing Robin say this so matter-of-factly makes me shiver with fear. I know that if it wasn’t for Landon, I’d probably be bound and gagged in the back of that shitty old Honda Civic. The thought frightens me. Even though I’m miserable being around Landon, at least he’s still keeping me safe.
Because Dad ordered him to, a small voice pipes up from the back of my mind. He’s not doing this because he wants to. He’s doing this because it’s his job. The thought just makes me feel worse, and I sniffle as I drain the last of my beer.
Without asking, Robin opens the fridge and pulls out two more bottles. She passes a fresh one to me and again, we clink. This time, I’m able to twist the cap off by myself. I smile wryly, as if to say: “I’m learning.”
“Landon really cares for you,” Robin says. She draws the words out slowly, keeping her intense eyes locked with mine the whole time. “I know that he does.”
“How?” I ask flatly. “How can you possibly know what he thinks?”
Robin sighs. “Because I’ve known him for a long time,” she says. “We practically grew up together, you know? I can tell when he’s upset about something. And right now, he’s definitely upset.”
I bite my lip. The beer is making my face feel hot and strange, and I don’t know if I like it. On one hand, it’s kind of a relief to be a little tipsy. But on the other, it’s making me feel like an alien in my own body.
I haven’t ever been drunk before. Being with Landon was more intoxicating than anything, but I’m starting to realize that maybe beer has its benefits, too.
“Has he said anything to you?” I sip my beer, not sure that I want to hear the answer. “Did he tell you himself?”
Robin shakes her head “No, Landon’s not that kind of guy.” She twists her lips in a wry smile. “He’s not really the hippy-dippy kind of dude who likes to share his feelings. But I’m sure you’ve seen that for yourself by now.”
I nod reluctantly. I hate to admit it, but there’s a small part of me that wants to believe Robin. Everything she’s saying is music to my ears, and part of me longs to stomp out into the living room, throw myself in Landon’s lap, and kiss him deeply.
“He said he can’t ever be with me,” I say quietly, keeping my voice just above a whisper.
“Why not?” Robin frowns. “Did he give you a reason?”
I look at her, feeling pathetic. “Does he need one?” I shrug, not waiting for a response. “He’s a man, Robin. He doesn’t need me.”
“He does need you,” Robin says quietly. “Trust me, Vivian, I know it sounds difficult to believe, but you’ve got something—“
Just then, the kitchen door bursts open. Blade and Landon walk in, slapping their thighs and laughing about something. I blinked back a fresh wave of tears. For a moment, the attitude in the kitchen was still jovial, the sounds of laughter rippling through the air. Then Landon looked up at me. When he saw the tears in my eyes and Robin’s serious expression, his grin faded.
“Hey, Blade, Robin, you guys maybe oughta think about going home,” Landon says. He yawns. It’s obviously fake, but I know better than to say anything.
“Everything okay?” Blade tosses his empty bottle into the recycling bin.
Landon’s mouth opens but Robin speaks first: “Yeah, babe, Landon’s right,” Robin says, looking directly at me. “We need to head out. We gotta stop by the store on the way home. I’m starving.”
Blade rolls his eyes. “These women,” he teases. “Always starving!” Leaning over, he whips his hand through the air and gently swats Robin on the ass. Shrieking, she leaps into the air and bursts out laughing. Blade catches her before her feet land on the ground and the two embrace, kissing playfully and snapping their teeth at each other.
The sight of it makes me sick with jealousy. I wonder what it must be like to be happy and well-adjusted and, well, normal. Even though Blade and Robin look like the stars of a TV show about a modern crime family, they’re obviously in love and crazy about each other.
Robin quiets down. “Sorry guys,” she says apologetically. “We’ll be leaving soon.”
The air is tense and strained as Landon and I wait in the foyer, watching Robin and Blade pull on their boots. After a round of hugs, Landon and I stand in the doorway together, watching the headlights of Blade’s bike bounce away.
The tension is palpable. It surrounds me like a veil of heavy fabric. I feel like someone’s taken my brain out of my skull and wrapped it in a box, then buried the box under twenty feet of frozen earth. It makes me shiver.
I’m waiting for Landon to speak, but we just stare at each other. The tips of his blonde hair ruffle in the breeze and I can smell beer and cigarettes wafting from his body. Oddly enough, the smell just makes me want to disappear into his arms. Protect me, I think. Protect me and love me forever, Landon.
“So,” Landon says. “You had a good talk with Robin?”
I glare at him. “What, you were listening in?”
Landon shakes his head solemnly. “No,” he replies. “But I have a feeling I know what you were talking about.”
I roll my eyes. Dealing with Landon’s bullshit is absolutely the last thing I want at the moment, and I can feel my anger coming back with each breath I take.
“Leave me alone,” I snarl, pushing past Landon and stalking into the house. I can hear his footsteps thundering behind me but I no longer care. I’m too angry–it took him this long to decide that I was worth talking to after all?
Landon grabs me by the shoulder and tries to pull me back but I resist, throwing my weight against him. Landon’s stronger than me, but for a moment we tussle. I can tell that he’s afraid to put both of his hands on me, but part of me wishes that he would. It’s like I want him to fight me and antagonize me so I have an excuse for staying as angry as I am.
“Vivian, come on,” Landon says in a pleading voice. “Talk to me, okay?”
“No,” I snap loudly. “Leave me alone. I want to be alone, Landon. I’ll scream if you don’t let go!”
“So scream,” Landon says. His tone is infuriatingly calm and I whirl around, intent on smacking him across the face. But when we lock eyes, I can tell that he’s upset. His blue orbs are wide with unease, and his face is drawn. He looks older than his twenty-nine years.
“I will scream,” I threaten. But I know that I won’t. My voice is shaking and there’s a rush of sobs dangerously close to bursting from my chest. For another second, we glare at each other. Then I try to yank my arm away from Landon once more. He tightens his grip, pulling me close.
“Vivian,” Landon grunts. “Don’t fucking do this. Don’t fucking do this to yourself.”
“Get your hands off me!” I snarl, finally pulling my shoulder away from his grasp. “How could you, Landon? How could you do this to me?”
“What did I do?”
“You know what you did!” By now, I’m shouting. My voice is ringing off the walls of the room at an alarming volume. I don’t care. I know that the Blacktop Chaos hideout is so securely hidden that no one can hear me. But it’s alarming to be this angry. I’ve never been this mad at anyone in my entire life. It’s like I’ve somehow been saving it up for Landon.
“What, Vivian?” Landon looks at me blankly, throwing his hands into the air. I can tell that he’s just as frustrated as me, but he’s doing a much better job of staying quiet about it. “What the hell do you want me to say?”
“That you love me,” I shoot back. “That you love me and you’re sorry for acting like a dick this morning! That you want to be with me, Landon. That you care about me.” My voice breaks and the tears burst loose from my eyes, streaming down my face.
“Vivian, I—“
“No!” I yelp. With a sudden burst of anger, I thrust my arms out in front of me and push away from Landon’s muscular chest. Using all of my strength, I’m barely able to make him stumble backwards. Instead of falling, Landon reaches for my wrists and wraps his fingers around them, pulling me close. Suddenly, I’m crushed against his body, breathing hard. I can feel his muscular torso through the thin cotton material of his t-shirt. His heart is pounding beneath the layers of muscle and bone and for a moment, it’s as though our bodies are in complete sync.
Landon tightens his grip on my wrists, slowly pulling my arms towards him and into the air. I moan softly as I slide against his body. Inside my shirt, my nipples rub against the fabric and I can feel them begin to stiffen. An incredibly warm sensation, like honey, slides through my body. Between my legs is a wet mess of arousal. I’m breathing hard, panting for each gulp of oxygen. Landon’s chest heaves up and down with each breath, and he lowers his face to mine.
As much as I want to twist out of the way, I’m powerless to escape Landon’s smoldering kisses. His lips press eagerly against mine and his tongue slides into my mouth. Our lips tangle together—dancing, twisting, moving. It’s like a sexual tango, and I can feel my body responding.
We’re sharing breaths with each other and I can taste Landon’s mouth, taste his essence. Landon release his grip on my wrists and I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, pulling him closer. As his hands slide down my back and squeeze my ass, I shove my hips against Landon’s body. I can feel he’s hard in his jeans and I groan softly as his cock brushes against me through the torturous layers of material. Just as I’m about to leap into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist, Landon pulls away.
“Vivian,” Landon grunts in a quiet voice. In the low light, I can see that his cheeks are flushed with lust. “Vivian, I need you to understand something.”
My guard is down from our passionate embrace, but I know instinctively that I don’t want to hear whatever Landon’s about to say.
“Vivian, I need you,” Landon grunts. He pulls me close again, kissing me savagely until I’m gasping for air. Landon’s tongue snakes into my mouth, licking at the secret, hidden places. I moan as his teeth gently nip at my lower lip. Together, our bodies thrust and grasp and move in a frenzy of passion. I want him so badly that it hurts.
“I need you,” I whisper into Landon’s ear. Tangling my hands in his hair, I leap into his arms and plant a row of passionate kisses along his sharp jawline.
“Vivian,” Landon moans. He throws his head back and I bury my face in the hollow of his shoulder. He smells like sweat and cigarettes and beer and it’s intoxicating, like the world’s most desirable cologne.
“What?” I murmur, my lips barely above Landon’s scorching hot skin. “Tell me, Landon,” I groan. “Tell me now.”
Landon doesn’t answer. He buries his hands in my light brown hair and gently tugs at my scalp. A tingling sensation courses through my body–it’s electric, like I’ve just shocked myself. I swallow hard.
“Tell me,” I demand. “Landon, just tell me. Why can’t we be together? Why do things have to be like this?”
Landon sighs heavily. “Because,” he says. “That’s the way things are, Vivian. Our lives are too different. I’m taking over for your old man. I can’t be worried about having a girl like you around.”
Hot tears come to my eyes and I wipe them away, pushing back from Landon until I’m leaning against the wall. I don’t know what to say. It’s not fair, I think.
“You don’t get to make these decisions by yourself,” I say. “I may be your charge, but I’m an adult too. And Landon, damnit, I’m not letting you throw what we have away.”
Landon’s sapphire eyes stare at me. “You have to promise that when I tell you to stop, you’ll stop,” he growls.
A fluttery sensation of panic erupts in my gut. I feel like I should turn on my heel and run away, but I know that I can’t. I’m in too deep. I’m in love with Landon Lockhart, and I’m not going to take no for an answer.
“What does that mean?” I ask softly.
Landon grabs my wrist, pulling me close. He leans down and presses his forehead against mine.
“That means that when I tell you to knock it off, you listen,” Landon growls. “You don’t whine. You don’t cry. You don’t talk about this going anywhere.”
I blink, unsure. “Why?”
“Because,” Landon says heavily. “We have to enjoy this while it lasts. There’s no way your father’s going to allow it to continue. Either we do this and agree that it’s temporary, or it’s over between us. That’s how it has to be.” He shudders, sighing. “Agree,” Landon demands. “Agree, Vivian.”
Looking deeply into his blue eyes, I know I have a decision to make. I can agree, and then let my heart get broken again. Or I can say no, stand up for myself, and be a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man.
But that’s when I realize, no matter how much I tell myself I’m not in love with Landon, no matter how hard I might try to stay away from him, I’ll never be able to. I’m a goner. A drowning woman.
Whenever he’s around, my whole world spins faster. And I know that I can’t give that up, no matter what.
“I agree,” I say shakily.
“Promise?” Landon’s blue eyes look so dark in the dim light that they’re almost black. A shiver of arousal and fear runs through me.
“I promise,” I whisper.
When Landon pulls me close and kisses me deeply, I try to let our words fade from my mind. But they’re branded onto my brain, and I know that I’ll never be able to forget.