Chapter Five
“What’s the matter with you?” Tanjay’s voice was soft behind Quentin.
When he turned, his brother was extending a beer to him. With a smile, Quentin accepted it and took a long drink. He pressed his back to the rail and crossed his ankles.
“The party is inside.”
“I know.” Quentin said. “It’s been a while since I’ve been alone.”
“I can understand that…But something else is going on. I can tell.”
Quentin chuckled softly before inhaling a deep breath. “I was just thinking about this guy I met on the flight coming back here.”
“Oh.”
“Look, I know you’re still not completely, one hundred percent on the gay thing,” Quentin said. “You’ve come a long way and I appreciate that.”
“But you’re obviously thinking about him.” Tanjay fell into one of the chairs and lifted his feet to the glass table. “Talk to me. I’m your brother.”
Quentin turned back to the view of Central Park and inhaled deeply. The night air was hot but not so much that he couldn’t breathe. Out in the distance the leaves danced where he could see under streetlights and the silver flicker of the moon. “You know him,” Quentin said.
“I do? Wait, you don’t have the hots for Lester, do you?”
Quentin took a swallow from the bottle the moment Tanjay said that and almost choked. “You mean weirdo, Lester?” he asked, facing Tanjay. “Are you on drugs? Of course not! I’m talking James McLaren.”
“Who now?” Tanjay asked.
“You gave me his book, Tanjay.” Quentin’s exhaustion was beginning to translate into irritation. He swallowed the rising tide of anger.
“The writer James McLaren?”
“How many other James McLarens do you know?”
Tanjay frowned. “Sorry. I’m just surprised a guy like that would be coming from Boise. But this is so cool! Did you get his autograph?”
Quentin made a face. “No. Sorry. I was busy trying not to—never mind. I will if we run into each other again—okay?”
“Um—sure.”
“You know.” Quentin shifted. “For someone who hit the roof when I came out, you sure have a lot of gay people in your life.”
“That’s different.”
Quentin was quickly losing his patience and he didn’t even know why. “How so?”
“You’re my brother.”
“I’ve always been gay, Tan. Just because I hadn’t said anything, didn’t mean I wasn’t. It was always there. Me, having your back, or helping you pick up girls won’t change. It’s in the job description.” Quentin sighed. “I’m not suddenly going to start wearing pink or any of the other stereotypical things I’m supposed to be, according to the media.”
Tanjay sighed. “I just didn’t want to lose my brother.”
“And how was that going to happen? Have you met our mother?”
Tanjay laughed. ‘Right. Look, I’m sorry—okay? I was an idiot.”
“It’s all right.”
“So, you have a thing for James McLaren. Have you told him that?”
“Hell no! What the hell do I have to offer a man like that?” Quentin frowned. He was never one to suffer from low self esteem. But meeting James snapped something inside him. Suddenly the loneliness over the years sat on his shoulders and no matter what he did, it was still there.
“Personal question, okay?” Tanjay cleared his throat. “But you have to answer because I’m your brother. You signed up for this.”
“Don’t you mean mom and dad, volun-told me?”
Tanjay chewed on his bottom lip. “Smart-ass. Anyway, when was the last time you’ve dated?”
“Nine years ago?” Quentin asked. “Nine years ago and it wasn’t really a relationship.”
“That’s right after you came out to me.”
“Yeah—I guess so. I was with him and he was a nice guy I just—I kept seeing your face and the disappointment—I had to end it. After that, I avoided getting into anything with anyone.”
“Rin Tin, listen…”
“It’s okay. I’m not blaming you or anything I—”
“You can’t spend the rest of your life alone,” Tanjay said. “Sure, I was upset when you came out but I was a child. I’ve grown up since then.”
“Tell me this.” Quentin downed some more beer before sitting on the glass table, straddling Tanjay’s legs. “When you think of me with another man, what does it do to you? How does it make you feel?”
“It depends.”
Quentin titled his head. “On what?”
“Are you happy with this man?”
“That’s not the point.”
“That’s precisely the point!” Tanjay growled. “That’s exactly the point. Thinking of you with another man doesn’t disgust me unless he’s putting his hands on you! If this man makes you happy, and he makes you laugh like I make you laugh, and he loves you like I dream of being loved then fuck what other people think! You’re my brother and your happiness is one of the most important things in my life. D’you hear me?”
“T.J…”
“No. It’s bullshit to think I don’t want you to be happy because it’s not what society sees as normal.”
“Tanjay—”
His brother merely rose and stormed into the house almost knocking their mother over.
“This conversation is not over!” Quentin yelled.
“Screw you!” Tanjay tossed over his shoulder.
“Tanjay?” Astrid called.
When he didn’t reply, she exited to take his seat and peered pensively at Quentin. “What’d you do to him?”
“I offended his delicate sensibilities.”
“I thought the two of you were over this brotherly war thing.”
“We are. I told him why I haven’t been with anyone in almost ten years and he snapped.” Quentin rubbed his eyes before looking over at his mother. “Mami, I don’t know what to do about him and my sexuality. When I came out, he lost his mind—didn’t talk to me for almost a month. So, because I didn’t want to hurt him, I stayed away from relationships. I kept myself for me and my music. But I met this guy and he got me thinking. I’m lonely, mami.”
Astrid reached across to caress Quentin’s cheek. “My darling.” Her voice cracked. “I don’t think Tanjay wants you to be alone.”
“How was I supposed to know that? All these years, I figured as long as I was alone, we wouldn’t be fighting. He would be fine because he wouldn’t have to see me with a man. Just now, he yelled at me for thinking that.” Quentin stepped away from the table to stare down at the park. “He’s my brother and the last thing I wanted was to upset him.”
“Well, now you know he won’t be upset if you date. Maybe you should find this guy and ask him out.”
“Easier said than done.” Quentin sighed. “I didn’t take his phone number. I do have his son’s email.”
“So, use that to get contact.”
Quentin made a face. “How weird would that be, though? Can you imagine getting an email going, hey little boy. Is your daddy home?”
“Oh ick!” Astrid laughed. “When you put it that way. It’s not only weird—it’s creepy.”
Quentin frowned and faced her. “Mami, I’m serious.”
“So am I.” She rose and walked over to stand before him. “Look, life is short. You’re turning thirty this year. Don’t think because you’re gay that I’m giving up on having some grand kids.”
“Tanjay will get there.” Quentin muttered. “And besides, you have Alex’s kid.”
Astrid arched a brow. “It’s not the same. I’m sure I’ll adore that child too but I meant a few from you. I wanted a basketball team, but I’m aware that there are limits to how this all works, so—three at least.”
Quentin groaned.
All night, Quentin got no sleep. He kept thinking back to the argument he had with Tanjay. Honestly, he didn’t understand it. It was the dumbest thing—but it happened. Before it was fully dark outside, he could hear his mother moving about the luxury condo. They’d been drinking the night before so no driving home. He pushed himself out of bed with a groan, entered the bathroom and closed the door. He used the facilities, washed up and brushed his teeth.
When he made an appearance, his mother was busy over the stove. He groaned. “Mami, what’re you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” She asked, jutting out her cheek for a kiss.
Quentin obliged her before climbing onto a stool. “I know, but it’s so early. You have to rest. Didn’t Alex and Micah warn you to take time?”
She made an irritated sound in her throat. “They don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“Of course not, mami.” Quentin yawned and rubbed the back of his neck. “Micah is only a doctor and Alex only saved your life.”
“Look, I rarely have both my sons in the same place, at the same time” she said, slipping her hands into oven mitts. She turned to peer at him through brown eyes. “I want us to have a good breakfast. I even took the morning off at the shop so I can spend a little time with you. Now.” She turned back to open the oven. “I know why I’m awake. What’s your excuse?”
Quentin watched her set a large pirex dish of grits on top of the stove then bent over to sniff it. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“All night?”
“I spent most of it staring out the window—I keep thinking about the argument I had with TJ.”
“And?”
“He’s still pissed off at me. I can’t seem to win with him.”
“Baby, listen. Your brother has grown leaps and bounds since the day you told him you were gay. But you never have to doubt he loves you.”
“I guess.”
“No guessing. Sure, Tanjay doesn’t know how to explain himself. He got that from your father.”
Quentin chuckled then headed for the coffeemaker. He set it up and turned it on.
“Did you really stay out of relationships because of him?”
“Yeah.” Quentin inhaled and released the breath loudly. “I didn’t want to embarrass him. And it was easier to just stay by myself to not give the media anything to talk about but the music. If there were no relationships, there won’t be anything to report on and he didn’t have to see it. Out of sight, out of mind. Isn’t that what they always say?”
“Son.” His mother turned off the stove, removed her apron and set it against the island, before walking over to him. “Listen to me. I’ve been on this planet for sixty years. People are always going to talk. Gay? They’ll talk. Straight? They’ll talk. Black? They’ll talk—it’s a whole bunch of people moving their lips and not saying a damn thing.” She cradled his cheeks gently. “It’s all static. I’m not saying, periodically someone doesn’t make a little sense. It happens—what you have to do now is sift through all of that and find the ones that speak to your soul. You get me?”
“Kinda.”
She chuckled. “What I’m trying to say is, if you have a hope in hell of being happy on this planet, you’re going to have to learn you can’t please everyone. Find your own happiness. You must learn how to tune out the white noise.”
“Tune out the white noise.” Quentin thought about it before leaning in and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Thanks, mami. I’m going to wake Tanjay.”
“How long do you want him to be mad at you?”
Quentin laughed but went on to pour coffee into two mugs and hurried from the kitchen. Tanjay was fast asleep in the den on the pull out sofa. Silently, Quentin placed the mugs on his desk then sat down beside his brother. He dragged a hand tenderly over Tanjay’s forehead remembering the days when they were younger. Tanjay used to be afraid of the dark. After he was tucked in, Tanjay would climb into bed with Quentin.
“TJ?”
“Hmm?” Tanjay snuggled into Quentin’s back.
“You’re staying here then?”
“There’s a monster under my bed. He’s afraid of you.”
“He is?” Quentin asked.
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
Tanjay yawned, his breath hot against Quentin’s back. “’Cause you’re ma big brother. And he knows you love me.”
Quentin smiled.
“Rin Tin?” Tanjay whispered.
“Hmmm?”
“You’re staying?”
Quentin laughed. “Sure, TJ. I brought you coffee.”
“What time is it?”
“Five thirty—I think. Mami is awake and making breakfast. And I couldn’t sleep.”
Tanjay moaned and sat up. Quentin retrieved the coffee and handed one to his brother. After he took a sip, Quentin shifted so his back was against the wall then twisted to look at Tanjay. “There used to be a time when you thought I was a superhero. When you believed my love for you could conquer monsters. One day I was protecting you from the demons under your bed and the next I’m gay and you want nothing to do with me. After all that happened, it was best for me to shove that part of me under the carpet, back into the darkness of myself made you happy and I didn’t want to lose that again. I just—I don’t know how things got so messed up with us.”
For a moment, Tanjay said nothing. He then set his coffee down and cleared his throat. “You don’t need my permission to date, Rin Tin. I’m sorry if that’s how it seemed. You know I was never any good at explaining myself and after you stopped speaking about your sexuality I just thought you knew how I felt—how much I’d changed for the better. And I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to stay alone.”
“Are we good?”
“Of course,” Tanjay said. “We’re going to have plenty of fights. Even when you’re old and rickety.”
“Gee, thanks for that.”
Tanjay crinkled his nose then grinned. “Just an FYI, even when it doesn’t seem like it, I’ll always believe in your love for me. I’ll always believe your love can conquer monsters.”
Sighing, Quentin hugged Tanjay tightly.
“Now,” Tanjay said, rubbing Quentin’s back. “About James McLaren.”
“What about him?” Quentin groaned and released Tanjay.
“Was he interested in you, too?”
Quentin shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t get his number so it’s a moot point.”
“Dude, have your people call his people.”
“What people?” Quentin rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Drink your coffee and go back to sleep.”
“Um—mami made breakfast. No going back to sleep for me. I want it hot.”
Quentin grinned.
“Listen, Rin Tin, I have a birthday party at Sparks tomorrow night. You in?”
“Sparks? The gay nightclub?”
“Yeah.” Tanjay frowned. “I told you. I’ve come a long way. It’s an exclusive joint and Lester likes the place. He knows the head of security and has managed to get us on the list.”
“Tan…”
“I’m looking forward to a night out where I don’t get my ass pinched, okay?”
Quentin laughed out loud. “I’m going to give you a second to think about what you just said.”
“What? Why?”
“Think about it.” Quentin cleared his throat. “You’re a good looking guy, in a place where guys hit on other guys.”
Tanjay groaned.
“You didn’t think this one through, did you?” Quentin laughed harder. “Don’t worry about it. It won’t be all that bad. I’ll see if I can score a private section to save your butt cheeks from being pinched.”
“Does this mean you’re coming?”
“TJ, I came home to rest.”
“And you can do that after the party.” Tanjay pushed the blankets aside and climbed from the bed. He bent backward to stretch his back and moaned. “I want to party with my brother. You in or not?”
Quentin nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
“Score!” Tanjay left him alone then.
Quentin rubbed his palms against his thighs then walked over to his desk and fell into the leather chair. After starting up his laptop, Quentin searched for James and looked up everything he could find on the man—which was very little. It seemed James liked his privacy. “Well, shit.”
Frustrated, he closed the laptop and joined his mother and brother. That way, neither of them could ask any questions. There were already too much going on inside his head and explaining it to them when he was as clear as mud, would only give him a migraine.