Chapter 10
September
"I need to use your computer," Julian said.
Matt hesitated. Julian wasn't normally this commanding with him. "What's wrong?" he asked as he saved the spreadsheets he was editing.
"I just heard there was a storm coming so I need to see a radar."
Matt didn't hesitate further; he handed Julian the laptop and cleared a portion of his desk. "What did they say? Is it serious?"
"Doesn't sound like it. It's a tropical storm but I need to see how much time I have to secure the place just in case it's a wet one," he explained as he opened the browser to the weather site. "She's not as strong as I'd like her to be yet so even a tropical storm can cause some problems."
Matt loved that Julian called the house 'she'.
After a few clicks and keystrokes, Julian rested his chin in his hand as he viewed the screen. Matt came around to look over his shoulder. The animated radar indicated the yellow and orange coloring approaching their area.
"Shit," Julian barked as he switched to zoom in closer and load details.
"What is it?"
"There isn't much time to prep. We've got too many windows and I don't have time to board them all up. It's coming in from the east so we'll secure that side first starting with the second floor before the winds kick in. If we've got time we'll do the other side," he said hurriedly before standing and heading for the main living area.
"What do I need to do?" Matt asked anxiously.
"Get your ass over here and help me. We don't have shutters yet so we've got to go with wood. I don't have the time to size, cut, and board everything up by myself," he said as he strapped on his tool belt and grabbed a box of screws and the drill from the corner of the room. "Fuck. We're getting a fucking TV in here first thing tomorrow so we can watch the damn weather at least once a day," he grunted as he tossed Matt his work gloves.
Matt grabbed the gloves in midair and headed out back to follow Julian, who was already measuring panels of uncut wood in the yard.
Matt sat in one of the folding chairs and stretched his arms upward. Julian was right. They pushed as much as they could, but three hours didn't grant them enough time to cover all the windows. They managed to size, cut, and board enough plywood for the east side of the house and the other rooms where the interior construction had progressed. At least this way, any damage would be minimal. Hopefully.
"So now what?" Matt felt the strain of his muscles from carrying so much wood. Muscles he didn't realize he had, screamed for relief. He thought a hot shower would help, but he still wasn't used to this level of manual labor, especially not so much in such a short time. He grabbed some aspirin from his desk and took a couple with some water.
"We chill out until the storm passes. Good thing you ordered the pizza a while ago," Julian said as he put two place settings on the small table.
"You said the winds were going to pick up so I figured cold pizza would be better than no pizza."
Julian brought out a few candles from one of the boxes in the corner.
Matt smiled inwardly. "What are the candles for?" he tried in his best come-hither teasing tone. The delivery of the flirty line was completely ruined by the explosive sound coming from a distance, followed by total darkness. "What the fuck was that?" Matt yelled, trying to feel for a familiar wall, chair, or anything around him.
"Don't move," Julian calmly said as he opened his cell phone to cast a light on the table to find the lighter. He lit the candle and the slow building of illumination in the room gave Matt a feeling of déjà vu of their first few nights in the house. "Sounds like a transformer blew somewhere close by. It'll be a while until we get power." Julian placed the candle between their place settings and lit another and put it on the floor to light the rest of the open area and hallway. Julian left the room and returned with a battery lantern and flashlight.
Matt watched as Julian calmly maneuvered his way around the semidarkness completely unfazed by the sounds of the wind picking up outside. "You've been through something like this before," he said, more as a statement than a question.
Julian looked up at him. "Yeah, I was here when Andrew hit years ago. After that, you learn to be a bit more prepared for these things," he said, settling down in the chair and grabbing a slice of pizza.
"Is that why you got pissed off?" Matt asked, biting into his slice.
Julian nodded, unable to answer with his mouth full. "I should have made sure the house was prepared," he finally answered.
"Was it bad where you were?" Matt asked softly. Even though he was a Florida native, he had been living up in West Palm Beach with his parents and knew more damage had plagued the southern areas.
"I was in Homestead at the time."
Matt knew what that meant. Julian had been in the heart of the storm when it passed. "Wow," he said quietly.
"Yeah, it was bad," Julian mumbled while he finished chewing. "Lost most of the house and…" He trailed off. "It was bad," he finished on a whisper.
Matt sensed there was more to Julian's mood. It was obvious Julian's mind had wandered to some other place in time by his faraway stare. Surely no pizza box could garner that much attention. But Matt didn't dare push. "Well, it looks to me like you made it out fine," he said to Julian with a smile.
Julian looked up, a startled return from wherever his mind had gone, and half smiled. "You think so?" He shifted in the chair, facing Matt.
"I do," Matt answered softly. He looked at Julian as the candlelight flickered over familiar features, the soft yellow tones of the flame reflecting in his green eyes. Matt caught himself staring and quickly looked down.
He began to pick at his napkin and tear away at its edges. He wanted to say or do something, but didn't have a clue if he should and how to go about it. He had been the one to request a 'strictly business' policy and Julian was really good about sticking to it except for that kiss a few months ago. Matt had worked so hard to clearly define a business relationship, but it had blurred with that kiss, and he found he preferred it that way.
He sighed. Sometimes he wished he really was that character he'd played for so many years, a take-charge guy from some time ago. But something about Julian made him fearful of messing up, wanting to think things through, hesitate.
Being with Julian just felt right and he didn't want to risk screwing it up.
* * * *
Julian could see, just by the expression on Matt's face, that something was racing through his mind as he absently ripped the napkin to shreds.
"You know, when we first met," Julian began, breaking the awkward silence.
Matt looked up.
"I thought you were an asshole," he finished with a smile, waiting for Matt's reaction.
Matt's jaw dropped in dramatic surprise. He then smiled and playfully punched Julian's arm as he laughed. "No, you didn't."
"Oh yes, I did," Julian responded with a laugh as he rubbed his arm and acted hurt.
His tactic worked. Matt laughed and that was all that mattered. Then suddenly, Matt's mood sobered and he looked at Julian with a serious expression.
"Did you really think I was an asshole?" he asked softly.
Julian didn't want Matt to get upset. He simply wanted to lighten the mood and get Matt's mind off whatever it was that was weighing him down. "Actually, no, I didn't think you were an asshole."
Matt sighed and a hint of a smile appeared.
"I thought you were a boner."
Before he knew it, Matt was up from his chair, chasing him around the room, occasionally hitting his arm when he caught up to him.
"That's B-O-N-E-R, Boner," Julian barked in between laughter as Matt continued to follow him around the room in horseplay. "A boner looking for a handyman."
Matt was laughing so hard he had to stop chasing Julian.
"Was I really that bad?" Matt finally asked, bent over with his hands on his knees, catching his breath.
Julian looked at Matt and shook his head. "Nah, you weren't that bad," he said and walked over to Matt. "I remember you looked really tired. I just couldn't resist messing with you."
Matt straightened. "You never did tell me your middle name."
Julian smiled. He stepped closer to Matt. "Can I ask you a question?"
Matt seemed to have been caught off guard and stepped back, the wall stopping him from going any farther. He stared at Julian as he inched forward. The sound of the wind outside momentarily distracted him but he quickly looked back up to Julian.
"Sure," Matt cautiously answered.
"It's about Sam."
"What about Sam?"
"Is he your boyfriend?" Julian stepped forward a little more. The question didn't fit into the employer-employee dynamic but he didn't give a rat's ass right now. He just needed to know.
Matt gulped and shook his head in response. "We're friends," he mumbled. Matt was either not telling the entire truth or nervous as hell because he was getting closer.
"Just friends friends, or friends with benefits friends?" Julian asked as he inched forward again. He blocked most of the candlelight from the edge of the room, putting Matt almost in complete darkness in front of him.
Matt swallowed heavily. "Huh?"
"You and Sam."
Matt closed his eyes. "Sam and I are friends. Just friends."
"No benefits?" Julian asked to clarify.
Between the wind noise outside and Julian crowding him, it seemed as if Matt was going to panic. When he opened his eyes, he kept looking from side to side wildly but didn't move. He finally looked at Julian and held his gaze.
"No, no benefits, no perks, no rewards, no bonus points, no nothing, now or ever. Just a good friend who was there when I needed one," he responded, abruptly flattening his hands against the wall behind him.
Relief poured through Julian. There was something more between Matt and Sam than just a friendship, but at least he now knew it wasn't sexual. He couldn't fault Matt for having a close friend; he obviously kept things to himself, probably as some form of self-preservation. Julian could definitely relate to that. He was grateful Matt had at least had someone he could rely on when needed.
He just wished it was him and not someone else.
The bare hint of light lit Matt's face, but it was enough to highlight the bewildered look in his eyes. He was breathing heavier. Julian loved knowing he could unhinge Matt like this. He reached up to cradle Matt's face with both hands. He noticed Matt's breathing changed, almost settled a little. The bewildered expression in his eyes was replaced with something else he couldn't quite pinpoint. Matt's gaze flickered to Julian's lips for a split second then back up to Julian's eyes. If Julian had blinked, he would have missed it. Ah, the anticipation in their depths. Julian could totally understand that. He smiled.
"Good." He slowly stroked Matt's cheek with his thumb. "Then Sam won't mind me kissing you," he said, a breath away from Matt.
Matt shook he head slowly, never breaking eye contact with him.
"Matt?"
"Yeah?" he said on a whisper.
"This is me giving you a heads up that I'm about to kiss you," he said before placing his lips on Matt's in a gentle kiss.
Julian moaned when their lips touched. Matt immediately responded by wrapping both of his hands around Julian's forearms, anchoring himself. He tilted his head a little, giving Julian a better angle to deepen the kiss—which he did enthusiastically. Julian shifted one of his hands from Matt's cheek to around his neck.
The wind outside howled louder, and the rain began to fall harder.
Matt gasped when he heard the sounds outside and Julian took advantage and let his tongue outline Matt's lips softly, tenderly. Julian let out a slow growl when Matt tentatively touched his tongue with his own. Slowly their tongues danced together until the sound of pounding rain hit against one of the windows on the opposite side of the house, forcing Matt to break the kiss.
"What the hell is that?" Matt asked breathlessly. "It sounds like someone's shooting a garden hose at the window or something."
"Fucking rain," Julian snarled. He listened carefully and realized what was happening. "The fucking storm changed direction. Shit!"
Reluctantly, he released Matt, grabbed the lantern, and made his way upstairs to minimize any water damage from the storm.
Back to reality. He figured it was probably divine intervention keeping him from doing anything more than kissing. He just couldn't resist Matt regardless how hard he tried. He didn't want to risk losing Matt by pushing him again. Shit.
Julian really needed to fix something right now, anything that required a serious amount of fucking hammering to relieve this tension.
* * * *
October
Matt thought passing the peak of hurricane season and moving into October was a relief. The little damage caused by the storm had been repaired and the renovations were back on schedule. Luckily Matt was sitting at his desk dealing with the budgeting of the renovation when the call came through.
The phone call was expected, but the timing was not.
Reluctantly, he answered. He should have known better.
He was shocked his brother had managed to keep his engagement to Lindy a secret for so long. Sadly, his mom's tearful explanation of her only other son marrying someone out of their social circle, a shop worker at that, didn't surprise him. Her outrage rolled right over him.
"We expected more from him. He was so different from you. Not a criminal. Not someone who let us down."
Matt listened to it all and attempted to ignore the twisting rejection that continued to jab at him and churn his insides. He mentally dodged every accusation she spewed at him, Alex, and now her new target, Lindy. Whose fault was it that Alex was marrying outside of their class? Why had Matt already met her when she hadn't?
Then, of course, the call and blame veered toward the traditional path. When was Matt finally going to settle down and get married? Why didn't Matt come and work with his father?
It went on and on.
Matt was numb, trying to avoid her harsh words from hitting their mark. Not one single care whether Alex was happy or a single kind word about Matt.
Not one.
Finally, the call ended before his resolve.
He sat at his desk, his shoulders slumped as thoughts raced through his mind. Would he ever measure up, be enough? Mothers were supposed to love their children unconditionally, why didn't his?
He turned his cell phone in his hand repeatedly while his thoughts continued to kill every tiny bit of hope that had had the courage to survive within that, someday, his parents would accept him.
The house was silent. He closed his eyes and tried to listen for construction noise. The sounds of Julian's hammer and drill had become comforting over the past few months. God, he wanted Julian. Being around him, the random kisses, the way he looked at him. He wasn't sure how to read him, but was confident there was a fire kindling between them. He was at peace in Julian's presence, something he hadn't felt before. It grounded him and got him through the day.
He needed Julian like he needed air.
He gently placed the cell phone on the desk, straightening it so it was perfectly parallel with the adjacent stack of files.
"There you are," Julian said, poking his head in the doorway.
Matt looked up and grinned.
Julian's expression softened but his gaze remained firmly focused, probing in that way he did when he was trying to solve a problem. That gaze that sent shivers through Matt's body.
"What's going on?" Matt said.
"You okay?"
Matt nodded slowly. "I'm fine. You were looking for me?"
"Yeah, I thought we'd grab dinner or something away from the construction area," he said with a wave in the air.
Matt looked down for a moment as a wistful thought crossed his mind. He always wondered if 'grabbing' a meal was Julian's idea of a date. Come to think of it, Matt didn't really know what constituted a date or a relationship for that matter. After he had moved out on his own, he was too busy going out with as many men as he could squeeze in. In retrospect, he now realized he hadn't really gone out with the same guy on more than two dates, assuming, of course, a romp in the sheets counted as a date. That man he used to be was so different from the man he had become.
"Just so you know," Julian began, getting Matt's attention. "You totally suck at lying."
"What am I lying about?" Matt asked, feeling the twist in his gut.
"You're not fine. You get all quiet and do that OCD thing, lining shit up so everything is at a right angle. Were you on the phone?"
Matt didn't know what to do other than stare at Julian and blink repeatedly.
"I don't do that."
Julian arched an eyebrow, crossed his arms, and leaned against the doorframe. "I did mention how you suck at lying, right? Did you forget that time you sorted the damn tools in that second room upstairs based on size. Is it your brother again?"
Matt shook his head. "My mother, complaining about my brother. I guess I got off easy this time," he finished with a shrug.
"C'mon, leave your perfectly aligned desk as is, including your evil phone," he said with a glare. "Let's grab some Italian. I've been itching for pasta lately."
Matt looked off to the side and pondered. He needed to walk away and avoid letting these thoughts eat away at him as they always did after the monthly call.
"Yeah, sure, why not."
"You might want to chew a bit more so you don't choke," Matt said with a smile, enjoying the casual time he spent with Julian.
Julian looked up. "Dude, it's a buffet, you know what that means?" he said, barely understandable past his stuffed cheeks. He moaned as he shoved another spoonful of pasta in his mouth a few moments later.
"I know it doesn't mean you have to eat in a rush," Matt said, rolling the pasta on his fork.
Julian swallowed and immediately prepared another spoonful of pasta. "I'm not rushing, it's just so damn good," he said, stuffing more pasta into his mouth.
Matt smiled before shoving his forkful of spun linguini in his mouth. Being with Julian was effortless. The conversation, the smiles, everything. He no longer hesitated before speaking his mind when around him. He could finally be himself and it seemed Julian liked that best. It was when he was quiet, reserved, or on guard that Julian changed. He became more serious, often mirroring Matt's moods as if he were a surrogate for whatever emotions flowed through Matt at the time. He wanted to explore this thing with Julian but the thought of ruining their slowly brewing relationship—if that was what they had—wore away at him. Julian had become the one constant in his life and he couldn't bear the thought of risking this connection if things didn't work out or if Julian didn't want the same.
"I'll be right back," Julian said, rising from his seat to walk over to the buffet for the third time. How the hell the man stayed so trim was beyond Matt. He watched as Julian piled more pasta on his plate and grabbed another dish with a few pieces of bread.
He shook his head and smiled. Julian had no idea how the little things, the totally natural and human things he did around Matt, meant the most to him. He had become accustomed, for most of his lifetime, to having to fill a role—the perfectly polished son while in his home, the hard decision maker while in the office—and he wasn't sure how it felt to just be himself. Until he met Julian.
Julian didn't play games. He was who he was, and somehow, Julian didn't care whether people liked him or not. He wouldn't conform. Matt had never met anyone like him and doubted he ever would.
"Here you go. I figured you might want one," Julian said, placing the plate with garlic rolls between them on the table as he took his seat.
"Thanks."
They ate silently for a while. Matt slowly worked his first plate of pasta while Julian had managed to return with a fresh plate.
"Why are you so quiet? Tell me you're not thinking about that phone call again," Julian said, sprinkling some cheese on his marinara sauce.
Matt shook his head. "I haven't thought about it since we left the house. Thanks."
"Good," Julian said with a teasing sparkle in his eye. "I'm glad."
"This is nice."
"Which part? The amazing food or the great company," Julian said as he pushed another forkful of pasta in his mouth.
Matt smiled. "Both. I don't want to mess things up," he said under his breath.
"What do you mean by 'mess things up'?" Julian said, slowing his chewing pace.
"This thing," Matt said, moving his hand back and forth between them. "Whatever this is?"
"I'm not following," Julian said slowly with a little hesitation.
Matt wasn't sure what he wanted to say or do, but he was certain of one thing—he couldn't lose Julian.
"I like the way things are between us, I don't want anything to change."
"The way they are?" Julian asked.
Matt nodded.
"Oh," Julian said, putting his fork down. He grabbed one of the garlic rolls and plucked a piece from the bun.
"Is something wrong?"
Julian shook his head.
"You stopped eating?"
"I'm full," he said, plucking another piece from the roll and absently stacking it on the plate. "So what does that mean?"
"What does what mean?" Matt asked.
Julian looked away for a moment as if gathering his thoughts. His mood had dimmed. He was quiet, his brow lowered, and he bit his lower lip. He had an air of hesitation which was unusual. His vision snapped back to Matt. "When you say, 'the way they are'. What does that mean?"
Matt cocked his head. "I like working with you. I'm glad you didn't run out that first day."
Julian nodded then looked away again. "I like working with you too. I, ah, wouldn't want to mess that up either."
Matt smiled.
Julian remained quiet for a while longer. The waiter had cleared the last still full plate of pasta Julian hadn't touched and the plate with the crumbs of bread Julian had plucked from the roll. Something was wrong but Matt didn't know what the hell had happened in the span of a few moments to ruin the effortless air between them.
"Does that mean we can't have lunch or dinner together anymore?"
Matt stilled at Julian's question. "I like our lunches and dinner."
Julian nodded. "Okay."
Matt watched as Julian folded and unfolded his napkin repeatedly.
"If you need a ride or something, I can still do that, if you want," he added the last quietly.
Matt looked at him, questioning. "Uh, yeah. If you can."
Julian nodded. "Okay," he said with a forced half smile.
Matt felt a slight panic begin to build. "I like having you around. I know that sounds bad, but I mean that in a good way. I swear."
"I can live with that," Julian said with a sad smile.
Matt wrapped his arms around himself. He felt a wave of grief pass over him but he wasn't even sure what he had lost.