Chapter 14
Matt stared out the window and waited. He'd lost track of how much time he'd stood there, hoping Julian's truck would drive up. It was late Christmas Eve, most places were closed, and yet, Julian still hadn't returned home. The drizzle had picked up to a steady rainfall, making the already dark night seem even more depressing.
Hindsight was, in fact, twenty-twenty. Matt thought back to the first few days, the day when Julian mentioned the bed and breakfast excuse. That would have been the perfect opportunity to have been honest. Julian knew he had lied, and still, he accepted the job and stayed. Matt closed his eyes and bumped his head a few times against the edge of the window. He should have just told him the truth. Shit.
He knew why he hadn't. Telling him about the halfway house would trigger the next question—how'd you get that idea? His fear of Julian walking out on the job had evolved into his fear of Julian walking out on him and their budding relationship. After so many months, the non-truth just became easier to hide.
"Hello, I'm Matt. I did time for embezzlement and insider trading but it wasn't really me. I lied so my brother wouldn't do time," he said aloud in a mocking tone. A lie was the reason he had done time and another lie was the reason he was standing by the window, waiting and hoping Julian would come back home and still want him.
The real Julian, the man he loved, was not the same smart-ass who came to that job interview. The guarded one, the one who didn't let things get to him. That was the Julian everyone else saw and knew. The real Julian was understanding, tender, and non-judgmental. Either version would have listened to Matt and not held his past against him.
Yeah, hindsight was twenty-twenty. Hindsight is a bitch.
Thunder began to rumble and Matt had to step away from the window. He couldn't bear the thought of Julian out there in this weather in his distraught state. Julian was the one in the relationship with the unwavering strength, and Matt had broken him. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to not dwell on how much pain he may have caused. He'd have to make it right. Julian would have to come back home and Matt would stop him from leaving, even if he had to strap the man down and lock him away.
He crossed his arms as he paced the first floor, absently tugging his bottom lip with his thumb and index finger as he thought of Julian's words. Julian knew all too well the pain of loss. And the thought of Julian losing his brother on the streets just as Matt had lost Liam was too much. Matt let out a shaky breath and knelt on the floor. He buried his head in his hands.
The scars.
Not one scar across his wrist, there were several. As if his father had zigzagged or sawed at his son's wrist. How could someone do that to their child? Had he done it to torture him and leave him scarred for life? Matt pressed the palm of his hand to his forehead. He felt sick as a vision of a young Julian gripping his bleeding wrist raced through his mind. Matt's parents may be social climbers with poison in their words, but they wouldn't physically hurt their kids.
He didn't know what he could possibly say to right things. They both had secrets and both seemed to keep them quiet for different reasons—fear, trust, he wasn't sure anymore. He should have given Julian the benefit of the doubt. Should have taken the opportunity to come clean, tell him the entire truth. If he couldn't be honest with him, then how could he think they could actually have a future together? Instead of coming clean, he had managed to reopen a wound for Julian he probably tried with every fiber of his being to keep closed. It was obvious to Matt that Julian tried to open up to him.
"Fuck," Matt yelled out. Christmas Eve wasn't supposed to be like this.
He walked purposefully into their room. He spotted Julian's wallet still sitting on the small table. The same wallet that had triggered his return when he heard the phone call would cause him to return again. It had to. He needed Julian to come home so he could fix things, right whatever had broken between them.
He clutched the wallet tightly against his chest and sat at the foot of the stairs so he could see both the front and back door. Julian would come back, he had to. He would have to deal with his mother for missing Christmas lunch tomorrow, but Julian and salvaging this thing between them was more important. With Julian by his side, he'd be able to deal with anything.
His chest tightened at the thought of Julian's absence. No, he'd come back. He couldn't lose him. He gasped for air and clutched the wallet tighter. He'd tell him anything, everything he'd want to know if he'd just stay.
He sat at the foot of the stairs and slowly rocked back and forth. He hadn't ever believed in Christmas miracles.
Tonight, he prayed for one.
* * * *
Julian parked his truck off on the side service street and made his way to the entrance. The rain fell harder and thunder rumbled in the distance. He wasn't sure why, but he had only one place he felt he could go. When he arrived at the gate, the entrance was locked. He rattled the iron door even though it was pointless.
"We're closed," he heard a voice say.
Julian looked for the source of the voice but the darkness and the rain made it difficult to see and hear clearly.
"Please, just for a few minutes," was all he managed to say past the tightness in his throat. His body shook. He didn't know if it was from the cool breeze that blew over his wet skin or if he was falling further and further into the darkness.
A man appeared from the side of the entrance. "We closed a few hours ago, you can come back after Christmas," the older man said, coming up to the gate.
Julian shook even more. He couldn't wait that long. He couldn't go back home, couldn't face Matt. He didn't know what to do or what to say. He had fucked things up so badly, there was no turning back. He was alone, more alone than he'd ever been in his entire miserable life.
"Please," he said in the last bit of voice that escaped his clogged throat. He couldn't breathe, he tried to take a breath and felt the effort in his entire body, thankful for the grip on the gate that held him up.
The man assessed him. "I'm going to do the rounds one last time, then I'm leaving," the man said as he unlocked and opened the gate. "You've got until then. Understood?"
Julian quickly nodded then sprinted to his only place of solace. Even though it was dark and raining, he knew exactly how far he needed to run before each turn. He finally arrived and dropped to his knees, not caring that the ground was saturated from the rain.
"I fucked up," he whispered as he buried his face in his hands. Emotions he hadn't allowed himself to feel in so long finally came along in waves, weakening him. "I fucked up," he croaked and finally looked up. He extended his hand and touched the cold, wet stone, softly caressing the etched name, "Marie."
A rush of memories filled his mind. The way his mother sat with him to help with his homework when he didn't understand, how she would explain why the other children's cruel words weren't true, or how he could grow to be a smart, strong, good man regardless of the hurtful words his father spoke. She would explain in that special way of hers that always seemed to get through to him when no one else could. Her endless patience, compassion, and caring nature always made sure he could understand the things he missed.
He needed that now more than ever.
He felt lost.
A surge of grief overtook him, the loss of his brother, his mother, and now Matt. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, and didn't want to. He'd dealt with loss before. At the age of fourteen, when his mother died, a piece of himself had died with her. She was the person who tethered him to this world, protected him, guided him, made sure he stayed strong, made him feel safe, appreciated, loved. When she died, that died with her.
He had felt a void until Matt came along and filled the part of his soul that had been vacant for far too long.
And now he was gone too.
He didn't know what else to do, where to go, and he blindly reached for the lifeline he had, even though he knew she was gone. He was so cold. He wasn't sure if it was the rain hitting his skin, the wet clothes, or simply this feeling of losing himself that caused him to tremble and his teeth to chatter. He huddled closer, pressed his cheek to the gravestone. At least he felt something, even if it was cold and hard.
He was still here, in this world.
He closed his eyes and tried to remember as he trembled until the darkness took over.
Everything happens for a reason. Julian heard his mother's words.
Her words, not her voice. He opened his eyes and realized it was dark, and he was wet, in a fetal position at his mother's grave.
"Hey, kid, I've got to close up."
Julian looked around for a few seconds, gathering his bearings. He remembered getting here, the rain, the desperation. He didn't know how much time had passed. He looked up to see the look of concern in the man's eyes. The rain had stopped and the clouds had cleared, allowing the moon to cast some light in the night. He sat up against the headstone, making that last bit of contact.
"Did you say something?" he asked, still a bit dazed.
"Yeah, I've got to close up," the man repeated.
"No, before that," Julian wearily corrected.
The man ran his hands through his hair in the same manner Matt did when he was nervous or frustrated. That caught Julian's attention.
"I thought you were asleep or passed out," the man started. "I said however bad it was, everything happens for a reason, but sometimes, we just can't see it at that moment."
Julian looked off to the side, sorting his thoughts. His mother's words, everything happens for a reason. He never understood why she held on so tightly to that principle, but she did, even when she was getting beaten by that sonofabitch who had fathered him. She always said it was that bastard who gave her two children she loved more than her own life. She had found the positive in that clusterfuck of a marriage. His mother's words coupled with seeing the man run his fingers through his hair just like Matt unsettled him.
"C'mon, kid." The man's words broke into Julian's thoughts. The groundskeeper extended a hand to him.
Julian looked over to the stone with his mother's name on it.
Everything happens for a reason.
He knew his mother had stayed because of him and his brother; she had tried to get away once, what happened after…she swore she'd never try it again. He never understood why he'd had to deal with so much as a child. His mother didn't have an answer for it. She had only promised him that one day he would understand why she stayed and hoped he would find it in his heart to forgive her. She called him her strength and reassured him that one day, when he was older, Julian Capeletti would become a strong and compassionate man in spite of his father.
He looked back over to the man's outstretched hand and took it to help himself stand. He stretched his cramped muscles, realizing he must have been huddled in that position for a while.
"C'mon, kid, time to go home. Christmas is in a few hours," the man said as he started to walk back toward his service truck parked on the narrow road a few steps away. "I'm sure there's got to be someone who's thinking about you right now," he yelled over his shoulders.
Julian turned one last time, kissed his index and middle finger then touched his mother's name. "I love you, Mom," he said quietly before making his way to the path to leave.
Someone either had a really sick twisted sense of humor, or maybe there was some reason he was still here. If everything did in fact happen for a reason, then there was somewhere he needed to be and try to make things right.
* * * *
Julian drove up to the house and sat in his truck for a few minutes, not really knowing what to expect after what had happened earlier. He figured Matt would be asleep by now—if he was still home—and wouldn't want to see him or hear anything he had to say. He couldn't stand the thought of Matt having any regrets about hiring him or being with him. He rubbed his clammy hands together to try and warm them as he felt a chill travel his body. He gripped the steering wheel and rested his head on his hands as he debated what he should say or do.
He'd have to talk about his past at some point if he planned on having any sort of relationship with Matt, but it was just too tough. If he had any doubt, tonight had cemented that idea. He was a private person, but that was a preservation instinct. If people would fuck off and mind their own business, he was fine. Keeping everyone at arm's length allowed him to push the memories aside and go about his business, never getting close enough to anyone to merit opening up. Matt was different. His instincts told him he could make this work with Matt if he tried, but the thought of seeing pain or pity looking back at him just stung.
He sat up and rubbed his wrist cuff.
He wasn't sure what had driven him to show Matt his wrist. He rarely took off the cuff and even wondered how his damn skin hadn't rotten away at some point. Lucky him. The reminder of what had happened was still clean and sharp, almost as if the scars had been preserved under the cuff. He hated them, but leaving them visible to the world opened the door for too many questions and glances. He wouldn't survive or make it through the day if he was busy beating the shit out of everyone for meddling.
He hadn't opened up about his childhood to anyone before, and certainly not in a relationship. The memories were tolerable while he kept them hidden away, but now, he had stirred them all up and it totally screwed with his head. He hated the insecurity he felt, the worry, the fear, and the hurt. In spite of this, if he had to open up to Matt to make things work, he'd push past the pain and try. Matt was worth it. He just hoped Matt felt Julian was worth the time and trouble.
He got out of his truck and walked up to the house. He debated a few moments more, standing outside the door with a death grip on the knob.
You can do this.
He took a few deep breaths to steady himself then quietly walked into the house and locked the doors behind him. He switched on the lights and saw Matt sitting on the first step of the stairs, hunched over. Matt blinked repeatedly, probably adjusting to the flood of light. He was clutching Julian's wallet tight against his chest. He saw Julian and straightened.
"Are you okay?" Matt asked hesitantly.
Julian expected the question after having left the house earlier in his frantic state. And now, looking down at himself, he knew he must have looked ragged. His clothes were wet with random patches of dried mud stains on his jeans. He felt tired, worn out, and completely exhausted.
"Not really," he answered quietly.
He saw Matt flinch. "I'm sorry I lied."
"I'm sorry I did whatever I did to make you think you couldn't tell me the truth."
Matt slowly stood, still clutching Julian's wallet as if it were a life preserver. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the stupid one who fucked up."
"You're not stupid," Julian immediately responded. "I hate that word." He had heard it enough times as a kid to develop a deep hatred for the spiteful word.
"Sorry."
"Stop saying that. I'm starting to hate that word too," Julian mumbled in response and looked away.
Matt took a hesitant step closer. Julian was afraid to turn his head, worried what he would see staring back at him in Matt's gaze. He closed his eyes and sharply inhaled when he felt Matt's hand on his cheek. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. He leaned into the caress, feeling the warmth of Matt's palm against his cool, still wet skin.
"I'm sorry I yelled," Julian said softly.
"I'm starting to hate that word too," Matt said quietly. "You were upset, not just because of what I said or didn't say, but because of the memories I dug up."
Julian finally opened his eyes and hesitantly looked at Matt. The gaze staring back at him offered nothing but love and understanding. Julian let out a strangled whimper, not knowing what to say. Matt smiled weakly as he rubbed his thumb along Julian's cheek. Matt then stuffed Julian's wallet in his own back pocket.
"Why are you holding my wallet hostage?"
"You're not getting it back until we talk."
Julian's chest tightened, his breathing became ragged, and his body began to shake. He wasn't sure if it was a result of the cold, wet clothes clinging to his body or the rawness of the panic he was feeling. He instinctively grabbed Matt and pulled him flush against his body, needing to feel him close.
Matt gripped him just as tightly. "I can't lose you, J," he said with a tremble in his voice.
Julian dipped his face in the crook of Matt's neck, letting the words flow through his senses. He inhaled Matt's scent, hoping to soothe his nerves. "I'm not good at dealing with emotions and shit," he quietly admitted before taking a step back to look at Matt. "I can try, but I can't promise I'm going to ever be any good at it."
"I know you were trying," Matt said cautiously and caressed Julian's cheek again. "I was just scared you'd leave."
"If you want me, I'll stay," he said hesitantly.
"I want you," Matt said with a tentative smile.
"Then I'll stay. If I don't understand something, you make me understand," Julian said desperately.
Matt grabbed a handful of Julian's damp shirt and pulled him close for a demanding, all-consuming kiss. Julian immediately responded and wrapped one hand around Matt's waist, the other gripping the hair at the back of his head. He devoured Matt's mouth, taking with desperation while giving every ounce of passion, need, and love he felt. He pulled Matt's quivering body closer when he felt a moan of need rumble in his throat.
Matt pulled away, gasping for air with his hands still gripping Julian's head. "You need to get these wet clothes off. You're too cold," he said nervously.
Julian nodded, trying to ignore the shivers that traveled his body.
He took Matt's extended hand and was led into their bedroom. They undressed and Julian toweled off the excess wetness. Matt lifted the comforter and took his side of the bed as Julian immediately joined him and nestled under the warm covers. They faced each other, heads resting on their pillows with their hands tucked underneath.
"I don't know where to start," Matt said, breaking the silence.
"Just tell me whatever you're ready to tell me. I can't do the sharing thing anymore tonight," he added weakly.
Matt's eyebrows lowered. "The sharing thing?"
"You talk, I'll listen. I can't…" He took a deep breath, waiting for the right phrase to come. He didn't want to seem selfish, but he couldn't handle another my daddy was an asshole session.
Matt reached out and placed his hand on Julian's hip. "I get it."
Julian absently nodded, thankful Matt wasn't pushing.
"My parents," Matt said with a sigh. "I guess that's a good place to start. My father runs the family textiles business. I hated it but they expected me to take it over someday. I worked there for years while I went to school. When I finished, I went against their wishes and used my finance degree to work in a trading company. I've always worked for my money. I don't have a family trust or inheritance or anything like that. I got a paycheck just like everyone else while I was there. My dad said it built character," he said the last words mimicking a serious monotone voice.
"My mom, well, I'm sure she was just happy to have more money available," he said sadly, shaking his head. "Anyways, I wanted to do something I actually enjoyed. I moved out and got my own place. I felt free for the first time in my life. I didn't have to fake so much all the time. I was even able to go out with guys."
Julian cleared his throat. "You said before, that your mom would disown you if she knew you were gay. So no one knows?" Julian asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from any ex-boyfriend related discussions. He couldn't handle jealousy right now.
"My parents don't know. My mother pushes me all the time to settle down, get married, have kids," Matt responded as he rolled his eyes then sighed.
"So you had no one?"
Matt smiled fondly. "I had an aunt, my father's older sister. She was always there for me. I'd go to her house all the time, which seemed to work out for my mom since I was out of her hair and she could socialize with her high society friends," Matt said, imitating a stuffy tone of arrogance.
"When I was a kid, she would always make the time to sit and play board games with me. As I grew up, she'd be my go-to person—I could talk to her about anything. Somehow, it seemed as if she had an answer to every single question I could ever think to ask. I loved her so much. She was everything my mother wasn't. I'd talk to her about school, friends, everything and anything, and she was always understanding and supportive. She listened, never got angry, and never judged. I knew I was gay when I was sixteen, and she was the first person I told." Matt smiled fondly. The love he felt for his aunt was obvious in the soft tone and subtle smiles as he spoke.
"What did she say?"
"She hugged me and said I was lucky that I knew who I was so early in life. Then she cracked some joke about how long it was taking my mom to figure out how much of a pain in the ass she was." He huffed a quiet laugh then looked at Julian intently. "This house is my aunt's legacy."
"Was it her idea?" Julian asked.
Matt shook his head. "It started off as Liam's idea. He was my cellmate and my only friend while in prison. I don't want to talk about him tonight," he finished sadly.
"Okay," Julian said and reached up to stroke the side of Matt's face.
"He was only a friend, J. But I think it might trigger a memory for you so I don't want to go there tonight," Matt added.
Julian wasn't exactly sure what that meant or which memory, but he wasn't going to question it. He couldn't handle being ripped open and gutted twice in one night. He nodded and lowered his hand to Matt's waist and pulled him a little closer.
"What happened, why the prison time?" Julian asked.
"After I left the family business, my brother wanted to escape as well. I took him under my wing, helped him with school, got him a job at the same company where I worked. We even shared an apartment. Aside from my aunt, he's the only other person who knew I was gay. It didn't bother him at all. He had so much potential, and I kept pushing him, driving him to learn and do more. I didn't get the support or motivation from home I wanted and I assumed he wanted the same. So I pushed it on him, but I ended up smothering him and I think that's what drove him away. He started drinking heavily and doing who knows what else. He made some bad decisions. It was my fault."
"What your brother chose to do with himself was not your fault."
Matt shook his head. "It was. I was the big brother. I should have been there to guide rather than push him. He had questions about some deals and was too afraid to come to me so he took advice from others and made some bad decisions. I was in my own world and didn't double check things and I just signed off on the trades. If I would have taken the time to look more closely, I would have known it was going to be a problem with the deals." He closed his eyes and pushed his head farther into the pillow then sighed.
"So the time you served was because of those bad deals?" Julian asked, encouraging him to continue.
Matt opened his eyes again. "Yeah," he said quietly. "White collar crimes and a lot of people lost money in their trades so someone had to pay. It was my signature on those documents so it was me. I was charged with insider trading and embezzlement."
"So you took the fall for him. I'm surprised the company or your lawyer didn't go back to the paperwork and see his name and figure it out."
Matt looked away, trying to hide his face in the pillow.
"Matt?"
Matt glanced at Julian then looked away again. "I went back and changed the documents so his name didn't appear on the transactions."
"Matt," he said softly. He couldn't imagine the guilt Matt felt thinking his brother may have served time for what he perceived to be his own negligence.
"Don't hate me," he said weakly. "I couldn't let him go to prison, he wouldn't have made it. I barely made it and I'm tougher than him."
Julian half smiled.
"Now you're just mocking me," Matt said with a hint of a pout.
"Keep on talking tough guy."
Matt snorted a laugh. "Smart-ass."
"Tough guy."
Matt smiled, his eyes sending an unmistakable message of relief. He looked away briefly before continuing. "The lawyers only expected a year or two tops since it was my first offense. He even thought I might just have an extended probationary period since there was no actual money exchanged. Everything was tied up in trades and paper transactions. The judge disagreed and got really pissed off. Implied I thought I would get off easy because of my family so he made me an example. I got seven years but Sam pushed to get me out early on good behavior. I was out in five."
"So I'm guessing I should thank Sam the next time I see him."
"You seem to enjoy giving him the evil eye when you think no one's looking."
Julian grunted. Giving Sam a glare was much tamer than beating the perky personality out of him. He got off easy as far as Julian was concerned.
"So Sam was like your counselor or something?"
"Something like that. He was there for me."
He was happy Matt had some support when he needed it, but he couldn't focus on Sam right now. "What happened with your family when you got out? I take it that didn't get better from what I heard earlier."
"It's been hell. My brother feels guilty and he's trying to get back on track. He stopped drinking and he's engaged now but the guilt is driving him crazy. He's trying but I can't handle him, and Mom and her lectures, and all the paperwork I need to do for the halfway house, and—"
"Breathe," Julian said, bringing his hand up again to stroke Matt's hair.
Matt sighed at the touch. "You're the one steady thing in my life, J. I can't lose you," he said on a shaky whisper.
Rather than spoon Matt as he usually did before falling asleep, Julian nudged Matt to lie on his back then Julian rested his head on Matt's chest.
"No more talking for today," he said, his shaky breath whispering across Matt's skin. He was exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Matt, holding him close, feeling the heat of Matt's skin warm his cool body. Julian could hear Matt's heart beat rapidly, much faster and harder than the norm. Matt wrapped his arms around Julian tighter than usual, almost protectively. Julian sighed, taking comfort in knowing he was in Matt's arms after everything that had happened that night. Matt's fingers slowly traced Julian's skin, soothing and caressing. Julian felt himself begin to settle and start to drift away.
It had been a rough few hours for the both of them and they obviously hadn't come out of it unscathed, but they did come out of it together, and that was what mattered most. Julian loved this man who held him so tightly and everything about him—the way he felt, the way he kissed, the way he made him feel wanted, the way his heartbeat seemed to calm the longer he held him. He hoped that he was Matt's anchor as much as Matt had become his.
"I love you," Matt said almost in a whisper. His voice shook with a hint of nervousness.
Julian tightened his hold further, softly kissed Matt's chest and quietly responded, "I love you more." The statement was truer tonight more than ever.
Matt's body relaxed in his hold and he heard his heartbeat spike for a moment then settle to its usual rhythm. Julian sighed with relief and nuzzled closer to Matt. He was at peace. Whatever happened from this moment, they'd try to work through it together. He had Matt's love and trust, and that was the best Christmas present he could ever hope to receive.