Chapter Seven
Lucian
Aidan and I have just finished going through the agenda for the next month. With business out of the way, he relaxes back in one of the chairs in front of my desk with his usual lazy grin. “So, how’s the little momma?” I hadn’t wanted to keep Lia’s pregnancy from my inner circle so they’ve known for a few weeks now. I also told Aunt Fae around the same time. Predictably, they were thrilled once the initial shock wore off.
As usual, when Lia is mentioned, I know I look like a lovesick pussy. “She’s good.” I grin, my mind going back a few hours ago to when I was buried deep inside her. My cock twitches and I discretely adjust myself under the cover of the desk. Lia’s right, I’m hard all the time. She doesn’t even have to be near. Just the mention of her name does it for me. Fucking napalm.
“She getting used to the idea of having a baby now?” he asks in concern. The last time he and I had talked about it, Lia had still been in shock and denial over her impending motherhood.
“Yeah, I think so. I’ve been in my own head a lot the last few weeks though, so I haven’t been as observant as I normally would be,” I admit.
He gives me a look full of sympathy. Aidan isn’t without his own vices, but unlike me, he’s never had a particular preference. His drug of choice has long been Cassie and, unfortunately for him, she’s an addiction he’s never had the will to kick. “You look better,” he remarks as he studies me intently. “Is it getting any easier?”
Ah, that does seem to be the question of the day from those who care about me. “Somewhat,” I answer honestly. “My stress level has been off-the-charts without something to take the edge off, and I’ve been a bastard to anyone near more often than not. If Cindy didn’t love me, she would have quit. Hell, she told me that very thing when she almost slammed the door off the hinges one day last week.”
Aidan grins before saying, “She might beat your ass, but she’ll never leave you.” I incline my head in acknowledgment because I know he’s right. I study my friend and notice that he appears more cheerful than usual. He looks almost lighthearted. A comment about him getting laid is on the tip of my tongue when he leans forward and I know what’s coming. Cassie. Fuck, why must we keep talking about her? I turned over complete control to him when I stopped using coke. Max was against it, but I felt that far too much of my time, as well as my lawyer’s, had been tied up in her care. Aidan was more than willing to be her advocate, and I knew he would protect her interests where I could not. I don’t trust myself to make decisions concerning her any longer. I was never the person who should have been entrusted with that. Clearing his throat, he begins, “So, I met with Cassie’s doctor this past weekend.”
“That’s good,” I say in a voice I know does not sound encouraging. I’m tapping a pen restlessly on my desk, hoping he’ll get to the point quickly.
“We discussed an overnight visit in the near future if she keeps progressing as she has been.”
My blood runs cold as I stare at him in shock. Surely, the fuck he can’t be saying what I think he is. “What exactly do you mean, Aidan?” I ask, hoping I’ve misunderstood.
I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully as he says slowly, “Luc, she’s really made remarkable strides since she began the new medication. She recognizes me and mentions things from her past. Her doctor says she is continuing to interact with everyone there and shows marked improvement daily. They think that a short visit to a familiar place might really be of benefit to her as she struggles to regain the missing parts of her memory.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I manage to croak out. Fuck, this kind of anxiety is the last thing I need right now.
“You put me in charge of making the decisions for her,” he points out quietly, but with a hint of steely resolve in his voice. “I know you and I differ greatly on the outcome we are hoping for here, but I need you to respect my feelings and judgment.”
My temples begin to pound and I reach to rub one absently. Tension headaches, fuck yeah, they appear to be here to stay. “Aidan, I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about it’s been a long time and you wish her the best? I know you can’t forgive her for what she did to you, but you loved her at one time. We were all so close. She was our girl, Luc, don’t you remember that?”
I flash back to years past when we were all just kids. Aidan’s right. We both loved her and at the time, I could never have imagined how badly the future would turn out. “Of course I do, man. It’s…hard for me to reconcile the younger Cassie with the one who slit my throat and killed my child.” I see him flinch, but I continue. “It’s almost as if they are two different people in my mind. I would have done anything for her back then, but I don’t even know the person she became.”
“I need to try to save her, Luc,” Aidan implores me to understand. “I can’t turn my back on her. You couldn’t either or you wouldn’t have been her guardian all these years.”
“What do you see happening if she does get better and is eventually released from the hospital? I’m afraid you have a picture in your head that’s never going to play out in real life. She may well pack her bags and leave this place behind. She has nothing here anymore, not even her father.”
Tapping his chest, Aidan says, “She has me. That’s never going to change. I’ve fucked a lot of women, but I’ve only ever loved one. Don’t you think if this were a simple case of puppy love, the glow would have worn off after all these years? I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing.”
I resign myself to the fact that this conversation is going nowhere. We’ll always be at a stalemate on this subject. “Other than not being able to deal with additional stress right now, I put you in charge because you’ll look out for her in ways I can’t,” I admit. “I’m not comfortable with her being released, even for a day, but that’s not my call. I only ask that you get a second opinion before you consider doing anything like that. Cassie has essentially been in a coma for eight years. That’s a long time. Everything is different now, and she won’t know or recognize this world. Can you imagine the type of shock that something like that could cause?”
“Her doctor has mentioned that risk. If she were released for a day, it would be a carefully thought-out and limited excursion. I know she’ll have to be exposed in small increments to avoid a setback.”
I remember Max’s revelation that Monique had been to visit Cassie several times and decide that Aidan needs a heads-up if his current fuck is visiting his longtime love. Something about that still seems strange to me. “You know, Max told me something surprising a few months back. I should have mentioned it then, but I didn’t want to make an issue out of it unless it continued. Apparently Monique has been to see Cassie a couple of times.” I’m shocked when he only shrugs his shoulders.
“Yeah, I already knew that.”
“What?” I ask disbelievingly. “Why in the world would you let that happen? That’s fucked.”
He gives me a look full of confusion before his expression clears. “Shit, I thought you knew. They went to school together. I mean, I don’t think they were bosom buddies or anything and I don’t remember ever meeting Monique then, but yeah. Go figure. Small world, right?”
I am completely floored and struggle for composure. “No way,” I finally manage. “The first time I met Monique was when she ground herself against my cock at a fundraiser a year ago. You’re talking college?”
“Yeah, man, that’s what she said. You know neither of us had any classes with Cassie so I have no idea who she did or didn’t know. Then she dropped out so they probably lost touch after that.”
“And Monique just up and told you all of this out of the blue? How’d she even make the connection? I never told her about Cassie or anything in my past.”
Shifting uncomfortably, Aidan confesses, “I told her. It was one evening after I got home from visiting Cassie. I’d had a lot to drink when she showed up unexpectedly. She knew I was upset and questioned why. Things have never been serious between her and me, but she knows me well enough to get that there’s someone else in my life. So I ended up spilling some of the story to her.” Looking guilty, he adds, “I told her that you were engaged to Cassie at one point, but not what happened. She just knows that Cassie had a mental breakdown and has been in the hospital for years. I told her that we were all longtime friends.”
I’m pissed that he told someone like Monique my personal business. I have to wonder if he even knows exactly what he revealed to her if he had been drinking. That bitch is a master manipulator and would have seized the opportunity to find out anything she could. “And how did she make the connection that Cassie was her long-lost friend?” I snap. “I mean, that seems a little coincidental, don’t you think?”
He’s defensive now; I can see it on his face before he even speaks. “Give me a little credit, Luc. Obviously, I fucked up and told her Cassie’s name and she remembered her. When she asked about visiting, pointing out that it might do Cassie good to talk to someone from her past, I had her story checked. It wasn’t that hard to verify that she did go to school with Cassie.”
“I guess the gold-digging whore part didn’t come into play until later, huh?” Even I wince when the sentence leaves my mouth. Aidan, to his credit, doesn’t show much reaction either way. He must be telling the truth about not having feelings for Monique; otherwise, he’d be pulling me over the desk for that remark. I flop back into my chair and run my hands through my hair. “Fuck. It’s already done. I just wish you had mentioned it. As I said, I’ve turned this over to you. Just please keep my name out of anything to do with Monique. I don’t trust her with that kind of information. I’d rather you not mention me to Cassie either.”
Now he just looks stunned. “And how do you even think that’s possible?” he sputters. “She asks about you every time I’m there now. What am I supposed to say? She seems to have no memory of what happened that night. In her mind, we’re all still the three musketeers. Even at her worst, she would still make some kind of response to your name. Luc, I think she believes you’re still together in some form.”
I stiffen, not wanting to hear any more. I’ve already had more than enough of a mind-fuck for one day. Monique and Cassie know each other. The whole thing sounds suspicious. Was it possible that Monique had known of my connection to Cassie all along? No. Shit, surely not. I’d made sure I covered those tracks well years ago. Even if the bitch was nosy enough to dig into my background—which she more than likely had—there should be nothing to find. She would have only been interested in my finances, knowing Monique. I know with a certainty that I have to distance myself from this whole mess until I’m strong enough to deal with it. I have a pregnant girlfriend who’s depending on me. I can’t let this mess push me back into using again—I won’t. Thinking of Cassie and the possibility of our paths intersecting at any point in the future is dangerous to my sanity as well as my recovery.
“Aidan, handle things as you see fit.” I look at my friend—really look at him for the first time in months—and I can’t help but notice how tired he looks. The dark circles under his eyes say he’s not sleeping. He’s obsessed with having what he has always wanted—but sometimes that turns out to be a mirage. I wonder uneasily how hard he’ll fall if his hope is dashed. In the end though, isn’t that all that anyone has? The hope of a better day and a different outcome? I’ve lived the hopeless existence before and nothing seems to penetrate the bleak, dark pit of despair. Your actions become mechanical and each day is a struggle to go through the motions of living. I love Aidan like a brother and I don’t want that for him. Am I being selfish and vindictive or merely trying to protect Lia and our unborn child? The lines blur when I think of Cassie—they always have. I fear that I am unknowingly sacrificing the happiness of my best friend in pursuit of my own. “Good luck, brother,” I add and try like hell to mean the words.
He gets to his feet, looking less tense. He knows I haven’t made a miraculous turnaround in my feelings toward Cassie, but he also understands that I’m backing away to give him his chance. “You’ll see, Luc, everything will work out.” I think he’s trying to convince himself more than me at this point, but I incline my head in acknowledgment.
“I know it will,” I reply. I’m just not sure it will be in the way he believes. “Keep me updated on the negotiations with Kenson, all right? I’m ready to close the deal before they receive any other offers. I want the company, but I don’t want to pay in blood to get it.”
Giving me his signature, cocky grin, he says, “I’ll get it for you, Luc. Don’t I always?”
“That you do.” I laugh in return. Aidan could charm the panties off a nun in less than sixty seconds if he set his mind to it. I’ve little doubt Kenson will sign on the dotted line very soon.
When he’s gone, I lay my head back, before sitting up and opening my top drawer. Just a month ago, it would have held my stash of white powder. I would have almost certainly made use of it today. The situation with Cassie was what hooked me on cocaine in the first place, and it’s also what’s kept me coming back to it for years. There is no acceptable excuse, though. It was pure, fucking weakness and an inability to cope with my guilt. It disgusts me that even now, more than a month after quitting cold turkey, my hands still tremble as my level of agitation rises. I haven’t been a daily user in a long time, but something about knowing it’s no longer readily available makes it hell to get past. It’s moments like this when I feel so unworthy of the woman I love. I want it to be a simple matter of deciding to quit using, but it’s never going to be that for me. I can’t imagine there will ever be a time I won’t have the desire to snort a line when life stresses me out. I wasn’t lying when I said it had gotten better, and some days that’s true. And others, like today, I feel as if I’m bailing water by the glass while the ship is taking on a bucket. I’ll never give up, though. I’m so close to having a family again and I will not let anything take that from me—even If I have to fight myself every step of the way.