Treat life like a workout. Stay flexible.
—Frankie
Miserable, Eva walked along Fifth Avenue and felt another flutter of snow.
She tilted her face to the sky and closed her eyes.
On impulse she walked into St. Patrick’s Cathedral, an oasis of calm and peace in the busiest part of New York.
Her grandmother had brought her here many times, but it was the first time she’d been inside since her death.
Remembering was painful and she slid into one of the pews and sat quietly, admiring the stunning architecture and the stained-glass windows.
The choir was singing, their clear voices filling the soaring space.
A lump formed in her throat, so huge it prevented her from swallowing.
She’d been so sure he loved her, but he hadn’t actually said as much, had he? Maybe she’d been wrong. Maybe she’d let her hopes and dreams cloud reality.
She thought of all the things she’d learned since she’d been with him.
“You weren’t right about everything, Grams,” she murmured. “It’s good to be the sunshine, but sometimes it’s all right to be the rain, too. A good, balanced life needs both.”
Lucas had taught her that.
He was the first person she’d been totally open and honest with and that, as much as the sex, was what she was going to miss most.
She’d always thought the worst thing would be never to fall in love, but she’d discovered that far, far worse than that was falling in love with someone who didn’t want your love.
“Merry Christmas, Grams,” she whispered. “I miss you.”
She sat for a while longer, lit a candle for her grandmother and trudged home, through snowy streets and a crowded subway, jostled by families overloaded with packages and excited about Christmas.
Paige was at a function with Jake, while Frankie and Matt were traveling back from a job in Connecticut, which meant she’d have the apartment to herself.
Alone. But this time it wasn’t her solitude that was at the front of her mind, it was his.
Lucas.
She unlocked the door of her apartment, dropped her bags by the door and flopped onto the sofa without bothering to take off her coat.
What was he doing now that he’d finished his book? He no longer had an excuse to hide himself away. Who would he share his thoughts and secrets with? Would he go through the rest of his life without revealing the truth about his dead wife to anyone but her just to protect Sallyanne’s family?
* * *
“So are you joining us for Christmas? Your brother will be here. Goodness knows it’s hard enough to get the two of you in a room at the same time. Lucas, are you listening to me? Why are you staring out of the window?”
Lucas turned and tried to give his grandmother his full attention. The only thing in his head was those few breathless moments when Eva had told him she loved him. How had that happened? He’d put up barriers, and she’d breached them. “Sorry. What did you say?”
“I said that I’m marrying a twenty-one-year-old opera singer and moving to Vienna.”
“That’s good to know.” He thought of the night Eva had cried. Was she crying now? Guilt tore at him.
She’d walked out. Eva had walked out. She’d said she loved him. She’d exposed her heart and offered him everything.
And then left.
He breathed deeply, acknowledging the truth. She’d left because he’d given her no reason to stay. And why would he? Love couldn’t be that easy, could it? It couldn’t be as simple and uncomplicated as Eva made it seem.
“Lucas?” His grandmother’s voice was gentle. “It’s always delightful to see you, of course, but why come here if you didn’t want to engage in conversation? Are you going to tell me what’s troubling you, or are you just going to stand there staring out of my window?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I brought you a Christmas gift.” He handed her a neatly wrapped parcel. “You can open it now if you like. You don’t have to wait until tomorrow.”
His grandmother took it and placed it on the side table. “Unless your gift is the news that you proposed to Eva, it can wait until tomorrow.”
“Proposed?” Lucas tensed. “That isn’t going to happen.”
“Because you’re a stubborn fool?”
“Because I’m not in love.” Even as he said it, he knew the words felt wrong, like putting on a coat that didn’t fit.
His grandmother watched him thoughtfully. “Would you like a slice of cake?”
That was it? One minute she was talking about love and the next she was talking about cake? “You’ve been baking?”
“Eva did the baking.”
“She was here?”
“Why do you look surprised? My relationship with her preceded yours, Lucas.”
“How did she seem? Was she upset?” He wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be. If she was upset then it meant he’d upset her, but if she wasn’t then it meant she didn’t care. That she hadn’t meant those things she’d said to him.
Love couldn’t be that simple.
His grandmother reached for her glasses and slid them onto her nose. “Did you give her reason to be upset?”
A thousand reasons, but he was damned if he was going to tell his grandmother the intimate details of his life, no matter how much chocolate cake she’d fed him as a child. “It’s a difficult time for her. She lost her grandmother last year.”
“I know. We’ve talked about it often, but we both know that isn’t why she’s upset now.”
Lucas felt as if he was on the witness stand. “Did she—”
“Talk about your relationship? Not much. She didn’t have to. Everything she feels shows on her face. Eva is delightfully uncomplicated. The way she spoke about you told me everything I need to know. It’s a shame her feelings aren’t reciprocated.” She removed her glasses and polished them carefully. “Is that what’s wrong? You’re feeling guilty? Because you shouldn’t. No man should ever feel guilty for not loving a woman. It isn’t something that can be switched on and off at will. Right now Eva is upset, but she’s a special girl and she’ll find someone else soon enough.”
Someone else?
It was a possibility that hadn’t occurred to him. “What do you mean?” His mouth was so dry he could barely force the words out and his heart pumped, as if it was punching him for being a fool.
“You don’t really think a girl like Eva will be on her own for long, do you? She has the most generous heart and sweetest nature of anyone I’ve met. Some very lucky man will get wise to that soon and snap her up. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s one of those people who get married instantly, with no waiting. She knows what she wants and she trusts her own feelings. And she has courage. So really, you don’t need to worry. And as you don’t love her, you’ll probably be relieved when she falls in love with someone else.” She eyed him closely. “You look a little pale all of a sudden. Have you been working through the night again? Such an unhealthy habit. Now that the book is done, you should take some time off.”
Peanut nudged his ankle and Lucas stooped to pick him up, thinking of the night he and Eva had rescued the puppy in the park.
His grandmother was right. A woman like that would move on. She wouldn’t spend many nights crying over him. She’d pick herself up.
Loving him was a wound, but it wouldn’t be fatal. She wouldn’t let it be fatal.
The thought of her with someone else made him want to punch a hole through something.
What if it was someone who didn’t understand how sensitive she was? Someone who took advantage of that generous nature or was clumsy with those dreams of hers?
His grandmother was holding out a slice of cake, an elaborate confection of light sponge cake, whipped cream and fresh strawberries. It made him think of creamy skin and ruby lips. Of softness and silk and the smell of Eva’s shampoo.
To be polite, he cut into it and forked up a mouthful, but discovered he had no appetite.
He put it down, china clattering on the table. “Damn it, Gran, Eva’s head is full of dreams. She sees the world as this bright, sunny place.”
His grandmother rescued the fork before it could fall onto the floor. “I see her as a woman who makes the best of things and knows what she wants. There’s nothing wrong with having dreams, Lucas, especially if you have the courage to follow them. She does.”
I love you.
Eva had that courage. She’d exposed her feelings without hesitation, even though she’d had no guarantee that those feelings were returned.
“I can’t be what she wants me to be.”
His grandmother took another sip of her tea. “Are you sure you’re thinking about Eva, and not Sallyanne?”
He stared at her, instinctively defensive. “What do you mean?”
“Sallyanne was a complicated woman, and what you shared made you believe that all relationships are complicated. She had issues, but none of her issues were linked with you. You can’t fix everything and you can’t make a person what you want them to be.”
His heart was pounding. He hadn’t talked about this with his family. Ever. “After she died, I kept thinking there must have been something I should have done differently.”
“And you tortured yourself with that.” She nodded, her gaze sympathetic. “There were so many times when I wished you’d talk about it. It killed me to see you holding all that hurt inside.”
“I didn’t want to destroy the image the world had of her. Despite everything, I loved her.”
“And she loved you, even though she had no idea how to handle that love.”
“In the end, I didn’t know what she wanted from me.”
His grandmother smiled and put her cup down. “I think what Sallyanne wanted, and what she would want if she was here now, was for you to be happy. Maybe sometimes life, and love, really is as simple as that.”
* * *
“Tell us everything.” Paige poured wine into three glasses and Eva sank down onto the sofa.
Matt and Jake were playing poker with a couple of friends, including the twins’ brother Daniel, so Paige, Frankie and Eva had the apartment to themselves.
“I’m in love with him.” She didn’t see any point in lying about it, or prevaricating. Her insides were churned up and she was never any good at hiding her feelings.
Paige picked up her glass. “And?”
“And nothing. That’s it.”
“He doesn’t feel the same way?”
Eva stared into the ruby-red liquid in her glass, remembering the night she’d opened one of his most valuable bottles of wine. “I don’t know. I think it’s possible he does, but he just doesn’t want to feel that way so he is never going to admit it. I love him. I think he loves me. It should be simple.”
“I am going to kill him.” Frankie thumped her glass on the table and reached for the bottle. “I don’t have your sweet nature, so I will have no problem finding him and removing his bones one by one.”
Eva shuddered. “The two of you would have gotten along so well. Why are you so angry?”
“I’m not angry.”
“I haven’t seen you this dangerous since Roxy’s ex showed up here and you almost broke his arm. What have I done to upset you?”
“Nothing. You haven’t done anything. It’s him.” Frankie simmered for a moment and then stuck her hand out. “Give me your phone.”
“Why?”
“Just give it to me.”
“Not until you tell me why you want it.”
“Someone needs to tell him he’s an asshole and given that you’re too nice, it’s going to have to be me.” Frankie snapped her fingers. “Give.”
“No way. What is wrong with you? This is my pain, not yours.”
“Wrong. When you hurt, I hurt, and I hate hurting. Crap.” Frankie sank onto the chair next to her. “Of all of us, you’re the one whose relationship should have run smoothly. You should have danced into the sunset with your dream man on matching unicorns.”
Eva smiled through her tears. “I’ve never seen a unicorn dance.”
Frankie spread her hands. “And I’ve never seen a unicorn at all, so that proves my point.”
“Can we get back to reality?” Paige tactfully took charge. “Frankie, Eva is right, this is her problem.”
“You’re saying I can’t break his neck? Jake and I could fillet him.”
“That isn’t how we do things.” Paige topped off Eva’s glass.
“You can’t force someone to love you,” Eva said. “That isn’t how it works.”
“Which proves what I’ve always known, that falling in love is a pile of crap.” Frankie drained her glass. “Fill it up, Paige. I want to make a toast.”
“Are you sure you haven’t had enough?”
“I haven’t even started.” She pushed her glass across the table and waited while Paige filled it. “Okay, lift your glasses. First we’re drinking to our business success. What a ride. To Urban Genie.” She lifted her glass high, and Paige and Eva did the same.
“Urban Genie.”
They all drank and then Frankie lifted her hand. “I’m just getting started. To us, for managing not to kill each other despite having different styles.”
Eva looked doubtful. “You wanted to kill me?”
“Raise your glass, damn it.”
Eva dutifully raised her glass.
“To friendship,” Frankie continued. “Because true friendship transcends differences. I’d rather read a thriller, you’d rather read a romance. It’s okay. I forgive you for having weird taste.”
Eva raised her eyebrows. “Thanks.”
“To forever friendship.” Frankie stuck her glass in the air and Paige grinned.
“I think this had better be our last toast or you’ll have a headache in the morning and it’s Christmas.”
“One more.” Frankie reached for the bottle and topped off their glasses. “To having each other’s backs, no matter what.” She looked at Eva and her gaze softened. “To sisterhood.”
Eva felt her throat thicken. “To sisterhood.”
Paige lifted her glass. “Sisterhood.”
The door opened and Matt and Jake walked in, arguing about whether Jake had cheated or not.
“Just because you lost doesn’t mean I cheated.” Jake kicked the door shut. “You need to learn to be a better loser.”
“I’d be fine about losing if I’d actually lost, but I beat you and—” Matt broke off, staring at Eva’s face. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
His concern warmed her. “It’s nothing.”
“You don’t cry over nothing.”
“She cries over romantic movies.” Jake hung up his jacket. “Technically speaking, that’s nothing.”
Frankie rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Jake. Not everyone is as insensitive as you.”
“I’m not insensitive. I’ve cried over movies in a ‘get me out of here’ kind of way. And since when did you turn into Miss Sensitive?”
Matt ignored them both. “Eva?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Frankie said something nice, that’s all.” She wasn’t going to mope and she wasn’t going to moan. Lucas didn’t want love. There was nothing she could do about that. Nothing except move on.
It was Jake’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “Our Frankie? That doesn’t sound like her.”
Frankie gave him a look. “If you weren’t going to marry my friend, I’d fillet you.”
“In a fight, I’d win. You may have a black belt in karate but I fight dirty.”
“Enough! It’s Christmas. No one argues at Christmas, and no one fights.” Paige glanced toward the door. “Where is Daniel?”
“He’s gone home. It’s family time. Even Daniel takes time off from seducing women at Christmas.”
Eva sat, soaking up the healing warmth and banter.
Forever friendship, she thought. Not just with Frankie and Paige, but with Jake and Matt. She no longer felt as if she was alone on a desert island. She felt cocooned, connected, surrounded, loved.
“I have a toast,” she said, reaching for her glass. “To family. You can be born into one, or you can adopt one, but either way it’s the best thing. Thank you for being mine.”
There was a moment’s silence.
Jake spoke first. “Carry on like that and you’ll make even me cry.” He removed Paige’s glass from her fingers and raised it high in the air. “To family. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
“To family,” Eva said.
“Family,” chorused Frankie and Matt.
“Steal my wine again,” Paige said pleasantly, “and you’ll soon find out how to live without them.”