“Yar a green gilled, cutlass weenie flappin’, shitbucket,” a parrot squawked and strafed my head.

What the fuck was that and what the hell had happened to me?

My limbs felt like lead and my head was pounding so hard I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I tried to pry open my eyes, but they felt full of sand. With no idea of how I’d gotten to wherever the hell I was at the moment, I was not a happy demigod. I was all for an adventure, but this one felt a bit off even for me. Was I in a damned zoo?

“Wake up, shit shine! Time to dance the hempen jig,” the foul-mouthed, flying bag of feathers announced with glee.

Forcing my eyes open, I took in my surroundings. My new, scraggly feathered friend sat on my chest and eyed me with distrust and interest. The room was feminine and smelled familiar. The scent was delicious and poked seductively at my hazy memory. Had I enjoyed a rendezvous and then gotten so inebriated I’d passed out? As an immortal it was incredibly difficult for me to get soused, but stranger things had happened in my ridiculously long lifetime.

If I had indeed been involved in a tryst, my lover was quite kinky. I was tied up within an inch of my immortal life to a four poster bed inlaid with colorful seashells and shimmering green jewels. Normally ropes and chains couldn’t hold me. However, the rope that bound me was ancient and so steeped in magic, escape was going to be difficult.

I just prayed to Zeus that the vicious looking parrot hadn’t been involved somehow. I couldn’t have been that drunk…

Since I wasn’t exactly in into whips and chains—or parrots for that matter, I wondered how I’d ended up in such a dilemma. Besides, I’d only slept with one delectable creature for the last fifty years and I was fairly sure this wasn’t her scene.

“Cupid is stupid,” the asinine bird sang as it glared at me.

Wait. The. Fuck. A. Minute.

It all came back with sickening clarity. The familiar scent now made sense. My surroundings made sense. My fucked up situation still didn’t make much sense, but I recalled it now. But mostly, I was surprised Misty had a bird. I would have called her for a goldfish girl.

I was really confused. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I wasn’t sure exactly what to do… and I didn’t like the feeling. First things first—get out of the bindings and find the Mermaid.

“Misty?” I called out.

“The swimmin’ hooker isn’t here, ye picaroon,” Thornycraft answered as he moved into my line of vision. The scraggly parrot flew off my chest, circled the room and landed on his shoulder. The bird was wearing a purple sequined bib and what appeared to be a lei made out of popcorn.

“Yar a dipshit. Ye will walk the plank if yer wanker arse don’t avast ye,” the bird squawked and narrowed its beady little eyes at me.

Honestly, I should be wary of the Pirate since I had a very fine idea of exactly what he was. However, the bird was terrifying.

Wait a minute… I was fucking Cupid. Showing fear was not anywhere in the handbook for gods. But that parrot… it was nightmare inducing. Whatever. I would fake it until I could make it or at the very least break free from the ropes.

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I explained through clenched teeth, trying my damnedest to sound at least slightly polite.

“Liar, liar, arsehole on fire,” the parrot shouted.

Gods, I certainly hoped not. Trying to lighten the moment, I gave my captors my most charming smile. It was one of my best weapons.

It didn’t work.

Shit.

“Start talking, ye bulbous, slimy fish hook. Ye got five minutes to explain yerself or I’ll let Wally have a go at ye. And trust me, ye don’t want Wally havin’ a go at ye,” Thornycraft said with a shudder as the bird yanked a chunk of hair out of his head.

“Who is Wally?”

“I’m Wally,” the bird screeched.

“Poseidon’s Wally?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

“Aye,” Thornycraft confirmed as the Wally in question took a dump on his shoulder.

This horrifyingly hilarious wrinkle rendered me silent briefly. Poseidon was wooing a man who shifted into a profane parrot? Had the soused God had one too many bottles of rum? Had Hades frozen over?

“Wally, I’ve… umm… heard about you from Poseidon. He seems quite taken with you,” I said, buying time as I skillfully and covertly worked at the ropes. “I hadn’t realized he was gay until he told me all about you. It’s nice to meet you, sir. I’m sure you two make a… umm… handsome couple.”

Thornycraft’s eyes grew wide with horror while Wally went on a cussing rant the likes of which I’d never heard in all of eternity. Poseidon was right out of his liquored up mind to be after this one. The bird was more insane than the Sea God himself.

“That’s it!” Wally shrieked, completely losing the Pirate accent. “Poseidon’s pecker is a goner.”

Glowing a frightening amber and teal, Wally took off through the open window at a speed that almost rendered him invisible. However, he left a few smelly gifts behind. Nice.

“Yar an eejit,” Thornycraft said with a shake of his head. “If the God of the Sea loses his salami because of ye, yar in deeper shite than ye already are.”

“What did I say wrong?” I asked, perplexed. “I was being fucking polite.”

“Ye called Wally a man,” he grunted and tried not to laugh. “Wally is not a man.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I demanded, feeling a little ill.

“Nay. I’m Thornycraft.”

“Shit,” I muttered. How was I supposed to know someone named Wally was a woman?

“Shite is right,” Thornycraft muttered. “But ye might not make it out of this room alive so ye won’t have to worry about Poseidon and Wally. Start yapping, eejit.”

I had several choices here. Actually, I had no choices here. The ropes were not loosening at all. The truth was the only way out of this. I just prayed to Zeus’ randy ass that the Pirate would believe me.

“Demons are coming. They want Cupid. Misty has to give up the job so the demons will go after me instead of her,” I told him.

“Try again, dingy dangler,” Thornycraft said with an eye roll. “Ye think I’m gonna believe that Hades is sending demons to Poseidon’s son’s wedding?”

“He’s not sending them,” I said. “There’s been a rip in the abyss and they’re coming through.”

“Says who?” he demanded.

“Apollo.”

That gave the Pirate pause and he didn’t like what he heard. Thornycraft pulled his cutlass from his scabbard and held it to my neck. He knew and I knew he wouldn’t decapitate me. Killing a God—even a demigod—was a massive no-no. However, he could do some damage.

“Methinks ye set the swimmin’ hooker up. Ye left yer magic dust on her and the Sea God saw it. That’s why he hired her.”

“My magic stayed on her skin?” I asked, shocked. How was that possible? That wasn’t possible. Unless…

“Aye. Methinks ye wanted someone else to take the fall for ye.”

“NO,” I snarled. “If anyone so much as touches her, I will destroy them.”

Thornycraft stared at me in surprise for a long moment. Actually, I was a bit surprised as well to realize I meant every word I’d just spoken.

And the damned butterflies were back. I really needed to eat…

“So ye just go whoring around leaving yer sparkles on all the lassies?” Thornycraft growled.

“No, not that it’s any of your business. And the magic had never stayed on anyone. Ever.” I snapped and pulled at the ropes to no avail. “And that swimmin’ hooker is the only woman I’ve been within a half century.”

“And ye think I’m gonna believe that ye haven’t quaffed all the strumpets across the land? Yar a son of a biscuit eater and hornswoggler should be yer middle name.”

“Umm… not sure I followed that,” I replied, understanding every word. I spoke fluent Pirate, but old Thornycraft didn’t need to know that nifty fact. Besides, he was a little too invested here—and I didn’t like that—at all. “I’m telling the truth. I think you might be in love with her, Pirate…”

“Are ye a wanker bucket?” he shouted with a grunt laughter. “The hooker is like me kin. And I take care of me kin. Methinks ye sounds a little green around the gills. Mebbe ye like her.”

“You should stop thinking. It’s overrated.” I didn’t like her. I didn’t like anyone. And right now I didn’t like myself much either.

Thornycraft chuckled and shrugged. “Why is there a rip in the abyss? Start at the beginning.”

And again, I had no choice but the unsavory truth. The old freak protected Misty better than a Doberman would have. The only way I was getting out of the shitshow I was currently in was to make him believe Misty was in danger without my help.

“Fine. Poseidon is in charge of DIC now and…”

“Hold yer seahorses,” Thornycraft choked out, paling considerably. “Poseidon is in charge of all the tallywhackers in the Universe?”

I closed my eyes and bit back my laugh. “Umm, thankfully no. DIC is the Divine Immortal Circuit. He lost at strip poker and has to run it.”

“Aye,” the Pirate said with relief, regaining some of his color.

“He fired me for slacking on the job.”

“Did ye?”

“Did I what?”

“Did ye slack on the job?” he repeated.

With an eye roll and a put upon sigh, I shrugged. “Yesssss,” I confirmed tersely. “So the soused old bastard hired someone else. Before I knew it was Sheena who had been hired, I’d planned to seduce, betray and take back what I what was rightfully mine—not giving a shit who got run over in the process.”

“Who is Sheena?”

“My bad. Misty. She told me her name was Sheena.”

“Like ye told her yer name was Johnson-man-tool?” Thornycraft asked.

“Sure,” I answered non-committedly. Technically it was one of my names or at least the name of my dick. I was not getting into the part of the story where I challenged Misty to name my Johnson. I was fairly sure the Pirate wouldn’t appreciate that. It was a slight mystery why I even cared what the ass thought, but I went with it.

“So ye got fired. Ye found out who yer replacement was and ye came to eighty-six the swimmin’ hooker.”

“Yes. NO,” I snapped. “I wouldn’t harm one emerald-green hair on Misty’s head. I’m here to kill the fuckers who want to kill her.”

“Aye. So ye say. And why is it that the evil bilge rat varmints were able to come through the abyss and why do they want Cupid?”

“To make a really long fucking story short, I wasn’t doing my job. There’s not enough love in the world and that caused the tear. The bilge rats are gunning for Cupid so they can stay on this plane. If there is no more Cupid, then there is no more love.”

“Ye have a mighty high opinion of yerself,” Thornycraft said with a snort of disgust. “Do ye even believe in love?”

“No. I don’t even know what it means anymore,” I admitted.

“Did ye ever?”

“Once upon I time I did,” I said. “Not now.”

“And yet ye are the one to promote it? Mebbe Poseidon was right about firin’ ye.”

“Maybe he was,” I hissed. “And as soon as I make sure nothing happens to Misty she can have the job back. As long as she’s alive and well, I’ll be fine. Does that work for you, asshole?”

He holstered his cutlass and titled his head, examining me like I was a science experiment gone wrong. Then he grinned.

“Methinks ye like the swimmin’ hooker.”

“I most certainly do not,” I argued. “Can’t a guy do something nice without getting accused of something horrible?”

“Ye are gonna put yer life on the line fer the little hooker. That means ye like her… mebbe even love her.”

My gut clenched with terror. What was happening here?

Nothing. Nothing was happening here.

The Pirate was insane and I didn’t have time to deal with this shit.

“Look, Thornycraft, while I’d love to shoot the shit with you about the myth of love, I really need to convince Misty to trade me back my job for a few days. So what do you say? You gonna untie me?”

“Aye, I’m gonna set ye free, but I’ll be watching ye like a hawk. Don’t ye forget it. Ye even look at the swimmin’ hooker wrong and I will take ye out.”

“You think you can?” I asked.

“Know it.”

Was he what I thought he was? I needed to know. If he was indeed the species I suspected, then he would come in handy shortly.

“Riddle me this, Pirate. If I wanted to harm Misty wouldn’t I have done it before now? I had every opportunity on the beach. It’s quite a conundrum… or unsolved mystery… or puzzle… or stumper,” I stated, watching him closely. His kind was nothing to mess with—although that’s exactly what I was doing.

“So ye think recognize me, scallywag?” Thornycraft inquired with a small smile pulling at his lips.

“Your kind is hard to miss,” I replied sarcastically with a raised brow.

“Methinks yar bluffin’, tar stain,” Thornycraft growled.

I narrowed my eyes at the creature masquerading as a Pirate—not that I was in any position to fight him at the moment… though I was one of the very few who could. However, I didn’t like his tone or his words. I might be all tied up, but I was still a fucking demigod. “What rises from the ashes no matter what fate throws at it?”

“Could be many a thing, ye cod faced flubberbelly.”

Rolling my eyes, I sighed. There were only so many fat references a God could take without his ego being permanently damaged. I was almost at my fucking limit.

“Fine,” I snapped. “How about this one… What can speak as a human, has the speed of a lion, can fly on the wind and has the bite of a serpent?” I inquired.

His slight shift in weight and the almost negligible widening of his eyes confirmed my suspicion.

“Does she know what you are?”

“Nay. And if ye value yer immortality, ye won’t be sayin’ nothin’. Cause if ye have guessed correctly—not sayin’ ye have—it’s not in yer best interest to cross me. And it changes nothing. If ye harm the swimmin’ hooker, ye will have to deal with me.”

“For the love of Zeus’ four hundred illegitimate children,” I grumbled. “I have no intention of harming the Mermaid.”

Thornycraft snapped his fingers and the enchanted ropes fell away from my body. “I believe ye,” he said. “And I know why I believe ye. Only problem is that ye don’t know it.”

My body still ached from the magical blast and the bindings, but I had no time to deal with that. “Are you speaking in riddles, Sphinx?” I asked with an eye roll.

“Aye,” he said with a grin. “Let see if ye can find the answer.”