“Hit it, boys!” Poseidon bellowed as his absurd band of Clams strummed a horrifying banjo version of the Death March.

Visiting Poseidon was unsettling enough, but his Clams… Holy Hades, on a good day they were alarming—man-sized clams with arms and legs and no discernible faces. On a bad day they were migraine inducing. This was shaping up to be a bad day.

I rolled my eyes as I entered the idiot’s chamber on Mount Olympus. I didn’t have time for this shit. I was a busy demigod with a schedule of sorts. Being called to the principal’s office wasn’t on my agenda this century, or any century for that matter.

The dark oak-paneled walls of the Sea God’s massive office were inlaid with shells and sparkling sea glass. Shimmering gold columns flanked the overly ornate enormous pink marble desk and the certifiable old coot was wearing a t-shirt that read Team Poseidon and a man-diaper.

I seriously doubted the old man had a mirror.

Looking down at the floor, I bit back a grin and was glad I was wearing combat boots. The God of the Sea was crazy. The floor of his chamber was covered in pristine white sand. I half expected waves to crash through the room, but even Poseidon wouldn’t flood Mount Olympus—too much backlash if he tried that one.

Avoiding Mount Olympus had become a full time hobby. Of course, I had my own palace at the base of the mountain, but it was far too large for one person. It had become depressing. I’d taken to staying in luxury hotels all over the world to dodge having to deal with all the other gods and their quirks. Plus, it was a write off as my job had me interacting with the human realm.

“You rang?” I inquired disrespectfully with a wide smile.

“You’re fired.”

“Repeat,” I said, no longer smiling. I seated my large and obscenely good-looking frame in the tiny beach chair opposite the huge desk. Clearly, the jackass was compensating for a little something.

“You’re fired,” the delighted son of a bitch restated.

“Could you be more specific?” I asked. Settling my elbows on the edge of his desk, I steepled my fingers and rested my chin on them.

“How much more specific would you like me to be? And what moniker are you going by this month? Eros, Cupid, Mandan or Archer?” Poseidon inquired, far too pleased to be delivering the unpleasant news.

The mossy-green haired bastard had been the bane of my existence for the last couple of centuries. Granted, he felt the same about me, but clearly I had no power to fire his ass. Although, if I was being honest, which I had no intention of being at the moment, I’d have to admit that I liked the son of a bitch for the most part. I was unsure who had voted the soused bozo into his new position, but I’d like to have a few words with them. Poseidon was a certifiably insane god with tremendous power—a very bad combination.

“I’m going by Archer this week.”

“Fine. Archer. Which part of my sentence didn’t you understand?” Poseidon inquired.

“Well, let me think,” I said mulling over my options while the God of the Sea grinned.

The man was the definition of an ass. He was over the top and entirely too extra for my pleasure. In the thousands of years I’d known him, he’d driven me nuts the entire time.

His man-sized diaper and ornate crown were farcical. However, the scepter and the band of Clams were beyond ridiculous. Normally, Poseidon’s delusions of grandeur would have been amusing if the bastard didn’t actually have some authority over me.

“Is this a temporary redundancy with a probationary period and a slight cut in salary?” I questioned hoping to trip up the always inebriated dolt with large words. The administration of the Divine Immortal Circuit aka DIC comprised of all the gods wasn’t known for their extensive vocabularies—hence the initials that ended up sounding like male genitalia when spoken aloud.

“Nope,” Poseidon replied with a wide grin. “Fired.”

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you, Poseidon?”

“I am, Cupid,” he replied, pointing his scepter at me.

“Archer,” I corrected him.

“My bad. Archer.”

His scepter was still poised in the air and the Clams now held their banjos like they were weapons. The scepter wouldn’t save any of them and neither would the fucking banjos. I was faster. I was stronger. I was deadlier and a hell of a lot better looking than Poseidon.

I might only be a demigod, but I was a badass demigod. Zeus had made me that way. Love was hard freakin’ work.

“You’re making a rather large mistake,” I said calmly, although my insides were anything but relaxed. What the hell was I supposed to do if I wasn’t Cupid? I was Cupid. I couldn’t be replaced.

“I think not,” he argued. “Love in the human realm is lacking. You’re falling down on the job. Reports have come back to me that you’re shooting arrows at humans and cars… You can’t exactly procreate with a car. You feel me, Cupid? However, the group of humans that have been humping lawn furniture is hilarious. Was that your work?”

I hesitated. “Is that a trick question?”

“Absolutely.”

Letting my head fall to my chin, I hid my grin. The old man was correct. I knew it was a no-no to make humans fall for inanimate objects, but a guy had to have some fun every now and then. What could I say? I was jaded. Love was ridiculous.

And it wasn’t as if I could shoot myself and feel the emotions that I made others feel. Immortal species were unaffected by the arrows. The love magic was only for humans. That had been Zeus’ decision. He adored love and wanted to spread it… and the Great God of Gods knows he did. The man had more children than Poseidon, and that bastard had at least nine hundred.

“So how long am I fired?” I asked, getting straight to the point.

We’d played this game before—many times over many centuries. I took my slap on the wrist, or bolt of lightning to the ass, to be more accurate, and then everything went back to normal. And I had to admit, this time the Sea God was correct. I’d been slacking more than usual.

I was distracted by a woman—not my usual modus operandi. I’d even told the Mermaid my real name for the love of everything preposterous… and yet I still didn’t know hers. I knew I should just forget about her. Sheena aka the-one-with-no-name was trouble that I didn’t need.

I enjoyed her company far too much. Cupid wasn’t supposed to love anyone but himself.

“You’re fired until you can get your head out of your ass. But…”

“But?” I asked, not liking his tone.

“But if your successor does a better job, the individual gets to keep the position,” he replied with a shrug.

“You’ve already hired someone?” I shouted, unable to believe he’d actually gone and done it.

“I have,” he said with a grin. “And I do believe she shall be outstanding at the job.”

“She?” I asked, completely thrown now. “Cupid can’t be a she. Cupid is a man. I’m Cupid.”

“No. You’re a mess,” Poseidon replied with an arched green brow. “Love is a many splendored thing and I’m going out on a limb to say you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling. Face it… you’re giving love a bad name.”

“You done?” I asked with an eye roll.

“Nope. I could go all day,” Poseidon replied with a delighted smirk as he opened up his ever-present bottle of rum and threw back a healthy swig. “Love is not a battlefield, it’s more like a shack. You feel me, Cupid?”

“Yes, I feel you,” I snapped. He thought he could beat me at my own game? Not happening. The diaper wearing jackass had another thing coming. I was Cupid. Damn it—The God of Love. Love songs were in my fucking DNA. “Trust me, I know something about love, Poseidon. While I may never have been stone in love, I’ve had love many times in an elevator—a whole lotta love for your water-logged information. And just so we’re clear here, love don’t cost a thing except to my sanity. I could give two shits if you’ll still love me tomorrow and I really don’t think I love you—David Cassidy might, but I don’t. Quite honestly, I’m a victim of love. Who in their right mind would want to deal with this crazy little thing called love day in and day out for eternity?” I demanded, now on a roll. “I’ve never had a bad case of loving anyone and what the hell has love got to do with it anyway? Love is tainted. It will not keep us together and it’s utter stupidity to be crazy in love. Maybe I’m all out of love and I won’t do anything for love, but I’m still fucking Cupid. And that’s the way it’s going to stay, Water Boy.”

“Bravo. That was outstanding,” Poseidon shouted and offered me the bottle of booze.

I took it gladly. Didn’t matter that it was seven in the morning. It was five o’clock somewhere in the world.

“Thank you,” I said, throwing back a swig.

“You’re still fired.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I asked, shaking my head in shock.

“No, I’m Poseidon. And since you asked so nicely, I’m trying to fuck Wally,” he said.

That rendered me silent. I’d always thought he liked the ladies with as many children as he’d sired over the centuries. Far be it from me to judge anyone.

“Good luck with that,” I said politely, hiding my surprise that he was coming out to me after thousands of years. “Does he know?”

“He? Are you saying Wally’s boinking someone else?” Poseidon demanded, beginning to glow a menacing green.

“Umm… how the hell should I know?” I replied, matching his volume. “Wally’s your boyfriend. I don’t even know him.”

The Clams ran for cover, which didn’t really bode well for me. I was immortal and a demigod so I would survive whatever the Sea God dished out, but re-growing appendages was itchy and time consuming.

Poseidon eyed me for a long time as I held my ground ready to kick his ass if necessary.

“I have no issue with your sexual orientation,” I commented. “Wally is a lucky man.”

His laugh bounced through the chamber and I shrugged. Crazy didn’t even begin to cover his demeanor.

“Thank you,” Poseidon replied, still chuckling as the Clams came out of hiding and resumed strumming some shitty background banjo music. “I’ll be sure to pass your compliment on to Wally. Wally will be delighted to hear the lucky man part.”

I had an uncomfortable feeling that I was missing a key part of Wally’s story, but I had a much bigger problem right now. “Who have you hired to replace me?”

“Not at liberty to share that information,” Poseidon replied with a grin as he shuffled the paperwork on his desk and played with a large lavender envelope. “I’ll be meeting with her soon. I’m going to combine a pleasure trip with work so I can write the whole thing off. Zeus will have a shit fit. He’s such a cheap whiny bastard.”

“So that’s it? I’m done?” I asked, unable to believe this was happening.

“Yep. You will turn in your arrows now. I’ll be leaving shortly.” Poseidon pulled out his cell phone and snapped a picture of something on his desk. “I love modern electronics. I’ve got my entire schedule on my phone. So much easier than the olden days when we had to carve everything onto fucking stone tablets. You’re dismissed, Cupid.”

“Archer,” I ground out through clenched teeth as I dropped my golden arrows and enchanted crossbow to the ground at my feet. If he wanted them, he could fucking come get them.

“Right. My bad. Archer, you’re dismissed.”

My mouth dropped open. The son of a bitch was serious. Maybe the lawn furniture and cars were a little much after all.

“Fine,” I muttered. “Good luck to my successor. She will most definitely fail.”

“We shall see, won’t we?” he replied smoothly and stood to leave. “I’ll be back in a week. We will discuss a new career for you. You’ve become far too jaded to understand and promote love.”

“And if she fails at my job?” I pressed, ignoring the jaded part, which unfortunately was true.

“Then we will revisit the termination.”

On that cryptic note, the green-haired thorn in my side disappeared, along with his talent free Clams and my arrows and crossbow. I snapped my fingers and turned the sand orange.

When he returned he’d be pissed, but I didn’t give a damn.

I’d just been fired from the only job I’d ever had. Unreal. I was half expecting him to show back up and tell me I’d been punked, but he didn’t. No, he was off to visit my replacement.

Wandering around the grandiose office, I stopped at his pink desk and glanced down. An evil smile pulled at my lips as I examined his correspondence. The soused dummy didn’t cover his tracks very well. On top of the pile was an invitation—a wedding invitation addressed to him and Wally, his new pal.

Bingo.

Clearly, this was the pleasure part the Sea God was combining with business. The dates fit and now I had the location. He was going to his son’s wedding on the Mystical Isle. A little odd that immortals were having a human ritual, but then again Pirate Doug was a piece of work just like his father. Whatever. Not my problem if the son of a jackass wanted to tie himself to love.

I was always amazed at how many immortals mated. We lived forever—literally. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.

Thankfully, I was far too smart to get tied down and now I had a mission. I was about to pay a visit to my replacement. I just needed to get there and find her before Poseidon did. Being as irresistible as I was, this should be a quick job. I’d make her fall for me so she’d pass on the job.

Bing. Bang. Boom. Done.

I was the only Cupid and I had plans stay that way.

I was about to give love a very bad name.