Chris

I was staring at the final documents and I didn’t feel relief, happiness, nothing. It was a huge deal, a lot of money, but nothing I said or did was going to change the fact that it was never going to be a good thing. It was always going to be a mistake and it was always going to be the reason that Molly wouldn’t talk to me anymore.

The lawyer dropped the papers off and I could have signed them then and there, but I wasn’t ready to. I don’t know why, but it felt like if I signed the papers, then it meant that I would somehow never have a chance with Molly again. It was ridiculous. I had already lost her, but instead of signing them like I should have, I instead found myself staring at the stack that was on my desk and debating what I was waiting for. My mind was telling me to go on, but my body refused to do what was needed. it was like it refused to let me do it.

I sat like that for I don’t know how long before I got a call from my assistant that had a lot of messages for me. I’d forgotten all about a meeting that I was supposed to go to and by the time I got off of the phone with her, I was back to the immediate job at hand. I was going to have to worry about the rest of it later.

Leaving my office, I made it downtown and met up with an old friend and client that I had forgotten about. I had been doing a lot of that lately, forgetting what I was supposed to be doing.

“What’s up Chris?”

“Not much Rosco. It’s been a while.”

“It has. I have been here for almost two hours.”

He wasn’t mad, but he wanted to know what had been holding me up. I would have wanted the same; though I don’t think I would have waited as long as he did. I would have been rude and he always had more tact than I did.

“I don’t know what to say. I was in my office and time just got away from me.”

Rosco wanted to know more and after a moment he asked who the broad was.

“What makes you think it’s about a woman?”

“Men like us don’t lose time, so I know that if you are looking like that and missing appointments, it can only mean one thing.”

He was right and I hated that I was so transparent. I knew what all of this was about and since I’d been trying to get ahead of it for a couple of months now, I knew that if I didn’t get to Molly soon, I was going to be worthless in all other facets of my life. I didn’t want to sleep, eat or fuck anyone else. I wanted Molly and it was like the world wasn’t as colorful without her and I wanted it all back.

“It’s an old flame.”

“From Alaska?”

I forgot that me and Rosco had talked about Molly before when we were talking about the one that got away. She would always be that for me and now it was evermore on my mind.

“Yeah the chick from Alaska.”

“Is she in town?”

“No, I went up to Nome a couple of months ago.”

“A couple of months ago and you are still stressing over it?”

He had a point and I should have seen that. Why was I still letting Molly affect me all these months later? It had been the same before; years hadn’t been enough time to get her off of my mind.

“Yeah, I always will.”

Rosco just shook his head and told me that I was an idiot.

“Come again?”

“You’re in love with this woman and instead of being with her; you are here, with me, late as all get out.”

He didn’t get it. We’d talked about her a little bit, but he didn’t understand that it was hopeless. I wanted it to be that simple, but I knew that it wasn’t that simple at all.

“She’s there and I am here.”

“Exactly, fix that and you will fix this.”

He made a gesture towards me like I was an exhibit and I wondered if I looked as bad as he made it out to be. Was it really that simple?

“She won’t come to the city. I have asked her several times to come.”

“Then go to her.”

“I can’t. My life is here.”

“So? So is mine and if I had another chance at love, I wouldn’t be wasting my time with a guy like me. I would jump on that chance. Life is short and work is work. It’s the rest of it all that makes it worth living.”

Rosco wasn’t usually so philosophical and I could tell that he meant it. What made him say such things? It was the first time that I realized I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t the only haunted man at the table and for a moment his eyes revealed a feeling that I never wanted to feel.

“So where did you go wrong?”

“I didn’t go back for mine. She was in Italy and I met her when I was doing business out there. I should have stayed, but I had work.” He looked to the side and far away like he was seeing it all play out in his head. “I always had to work. I remember her crying and telling me that we would never see each other again. I told her we would, but then I got busy.”’

He had a look on his face that I knew well. It was full of regret. I knew well how many things had been put aside because I had to work. Like Rosco said, there was always work to do and it could be consuming.

“So what happened?” I wanted an ending to a story that was like mine, so that maybe I could have the same.

“She got in a car wreck about a month after I left. I never saw her again.”

It was the ending that I was hoping for and certainly not the one that I was expecting, but it had its desired effect on me. Rosco was right. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and change it. If something happened to her, I don’t know what I would do and I didn’t want to find out.