Chapter Three
Daisy
After work, I thought about going home, but it was too depressing. It wasn’t really my home anymore, was it? It was just a transition shelter until I found myself homeless.
Instead, I headed to my boyfriend’s apartment. Ralph was a few years older than me. We’d been dating for a few months, but a part of me wondered why we were even dating. We might have grown up in the same neighborhood, but we were nothing alike. Ralph had started working at The Bank of Manhattan, and I was a fast food cashier. He was going places and everyone told me how lucky I was to be with someone like Ralph, but the truth was that there was something fundamental lacking in our relationship.
Passion.
There was no chemistry between us. Maybe I was holding back a little, but was it wrong to dream and want a romance filled with heat and an all-consuming desire? Love at first sight. I was too old to believe in fairy tales, but just couldn’t let go of the idea.
It was far better than the alternative. The only love I’d ever witnessed was the brutal hatred between my parents. When it manifested itself physically, there was no amount of pillows that I could use to cover my ears, and the memories still haunted me. I wanted desperately to believe that there was more. That I wasn’t destined to end up in that kind of relationship.
There was no romance between us, but I was already losing even the little bit of home I’d known, and wasn’t ready to give him up just yet on top of that. When I did have his attention, there was always a flicker of appreciation when he looked me over, and maybe one day that might turn into something more. We had a sort of friendship, and that was the base of a good relationship, right?
“Hey, pretty thang,” an old man stuttered as he hobbled towards me. “You got any charity for a down-on-his-luck guy like me?”
Growing up in the Bronx meant that I was an expert at avoiding situations like this, but I was feeling a little raw tonight. He was dirty, smelly, and missing most of his teeth. His long beard was tangled around dirt and grit, and I swallowed hard. Was this my future? Life on the streets with no one to count on but people like this?
“I don’t have much,” I whispered hoarsely and dug into my pockets. “But I’ve got a few quarters. Maybe you can get a hot dog from the vender?”
His eyes lit up with delight as I dropped them into his hand. “Thank you, child.”
Nodding woodenly at him, I continued my walk. The sun was low over the horizon, casting long shadows from the building, but the hazy heat still rose up from the sidewalks. It was that strange time of day where most people were off work, but the night entertainment hadn’t started yet. A few people were moving in and out of restaurants, but most of the pedestrians were like me.
People who just didn’t want to go home.
Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I hurried up the steps and knocked on the door to Ralph’s apartment.
“Hey, baby,” Ralph said, opening the door and leaning in for a hug before abruptly pulling back. “God, you still smell like that place. You couldn’t have at least changed before you came over?”
Plucking nervously at my uniform, I looked down and frowned. “You told me that you thought I looked cute in this.”
Grunting, he plopped back down at his desk and moved the mouse around on the surface. I sat on the couch and crossed my legs. Ralph had a cheap apartment on the upper side of the Bronx. With his new job, he said he’d be able to afford something nicer soon. “I think what I told you is that it would look cute on my bedroom floor,” he said with a side look.
Shifting uncomfortably, I let the subject drop. Sex wasn’t really something I wanted to discuss with him right now. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I tried to smile at him, but his attention was already back on the computer. “What are you doing?”
“Work, Daisy. Some of us have more responsibility than asking people if they want fries with that.”
He was being rude, and I wasn’t sure why, but it gave me an opening. Glancing around the apartment, I noted the pile of dishes in the sink and the clothes on the floor. “Baby, it looks like you could use some help around here.”
“Yeah? Feel free.”
“Actually, about that. Daddy and I have decided that it’s time for me move out,” I said tentatively.
Ralph snorted. “Your alcoholic of an old man is finally kicking you out, huh?”
“Ralph! You shouldn’t talk about him like that.”
“You’re in denial, baby girl. The only reason that he kept you for this long was because you were his meal ticket. Now that he’s got someone else, someone who can take care of all of his needs, he doesn’t want you around. When are you going to see your father for what he really is?”
My stomach rolled, and I swallowed hard. Parts of Ralph’s words rang true, but my father was the only family that I had. Even with everything happening, I couldn’t just talk about him like that. It wasn’t right. Glancing over his shoulder, I saw that he wasn’t doing any work at all. He was looking at sports scores. “He does want his girlfriend to move in with him. I get it. He wants some alone time with her.” And my last paycheck. “I’ve got a week, and then I need to find a new place.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” he said absently. I’d already lost his attention. Desperation welled up inside me, and I decided to just come out and ask. It felt a little like begging, but what other choice was there?
“Maybe I could stay here? I can help pay rent. Help keep the place clean. You’ll be able to focus more on your job.”
Ralph snorted. “I see. So now that I have a decent job, you expect me to support you? Is that it?”
“What? No,” I cried out, leaning forward. “Not support me. Seriously, Ralph, I can help pay. I know that you’re between roommates…”
“You can’t afford enough to be a roommate,” he cut me off. “And I’m not about to have two people crowding me here.”
“I could stay until you get a roommate,” I tried again in a small voice, but he cut me down with a cold stare. Leaning back in the cushions, I wrapped my arms around my body. I had this idea that Ralph was going to be my hero, and now he was abandoning me. Didn’t he realize the kind of trouble that I was in?
His phone rang, and I looked away as he answered it. Once again, I felt weak and powerless as a lump formed in my throat. Furiously, I tried to gain control of my emotions. I wasn’t going to fall apart right here in front of him.
“Of course. I’ll be right in.” Hanging up, Ralph stretched. “I’ve got to go, babe. My CEO’s assistant is calling me in. I think big things are about to happen.”
“Good for you,” I whispered, trying to look back at him without crying. Plaster a smile on my face. Pretend that my life wasn’t unraveling right out from under me.
“Babe, don’t be upset.” He leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the lips. “We’re just not at that part of our relationship where we should live together. You want us to work, don’t you?”
“Yes. Of course,” I nodded. He had a point. Maybe moving in would jeopardize our relationship, and he was just protecting us as a couple.
“You’re a smart girl. You’re going to figure something out. I’ve got to get ready, but I’ll call you later, okay?”
“I’ll just wait for you to get back.” The fact that things still weren’t working out for me made me want to go home even less, plus Rosaria had already moved in and was making life there hell for me.
“No, you won’t.” Ralph frowned at me as he stripped off his t-shirt. I watched his half-naked body and tried to stir up some interest, but there was nothing. He wasn’t a bad looking guy. A little too pale and slender, but he had nice blue eyes and great hair. I liked running my hands through it when he kissed me.
It was about the only thing that I liked when he kissed me, but that would change too, right? When we were more comfortable around each other.
His words finally sunk in, and I widened my eyes. “What?” I was flabbergasted. “You’re not going to let me stay while you’re at work?”
Buttoning up his shirt, he shrugged. “I don’t like people in my apartment when I’m not here.”
I wasn’t just ‘people.’ I was his girlfriend. He couldn’t trust me?
“Ralph,” I protested. “I’m not going to steal anything or snoop. I just want to watch some television.”
“I said no,” he said sharply. “God, when did you get to be like this? This sniveling, whining bitch? Pull yourself together, Daisy.”
Flinching, I closed my eyes. “Yeah. Okay. I’m sorry.” Dazed, I grabbed my purse and stood.
He straightened and smiled as if he hadn’t just yelled at and humiliated me. “Thanks, babe. I’ll talk to you later.” Maybe he was just under a lot of stress at work, and I needed to respect that.
Still, I walked out with stiff steps, feeling like my crappy world was crumbling even more. The hot summer air filled my lungs, and for a moment, I thought that it might suffocate me. Gasping, I tightened my grip on my purse and slowly walked down the sidewalk. People hurried by, bumped into me, barely saw me. I felt like an insect.
A powerless insect that was going to be crushed. When had my life spiraled out of control? When had I stopped being able to make my own choices?
I wandered around the city aimlessly for a little while before finally heading home. I reached for the doorknob, but my neighbor, an older black man with a badly scarred face and a walker, stuck his head out the door. “Baby girl? Why don’t you come over and keep me company for a little while? I haven’t seen you in forever.”
Hesitating, I paused. I knew what he did for a living. The shady, shaky, and sometimes violent people going in and out of his apartment day and night were testament of that, and while I liked talking to him in the hall, I didn’t want to be in his home. Didn’t want to be noticed by any of his customers.
But then, the loud moaning inside my father’s apartment finally reached my ears, and I stepped back. “Yeah. Thanks,” I whispered.
“Don’t worry, baby girl. I won’t let nothing happen to you.” He understood my hesitation. “So your father got himself a new girlfriend?”
“She’s moving in.” I walked into his apartment, and gingerly sat down on his torn green couch while trying not to inhale too deeply. Johnson slammed the door shut and glared at the grunts and moans that were coming from my place. “And I’m moving out.”
“Good for you. You moving in with that nice boyfriend of yours?”
I wanted to tell him the truth. I didn’t love lying, but still had my pride. Admitting that my boyfriend didn’t want me to live with him and my father didn’t care was something that I couldn’t do, even to an old drug dealer who couldn’t remember my name to save his life. “With a friend,” I said finally. “Moving in with a friend.”
“That’s nice girl. Was starting to think that you didn’t have any friends. You never bring them around, although I can see why.”
“My father doesn’t like to be bothered.” Not exactly a lie, but Johnson wasn’t wrong. I didn’t have any friends.
All I had was a father who hated me, a boyfriend who didn’t love me, and a bunch of neighbors who were generally too stoned to care.
The banging on the wall grew louder, and I tried to drown it out. “So,” I said desperately. “How are things going with you?”