Violet
I scrawl the word ‘happiness’ on the back of the canvas and collapse into my chair with a thud.
I’m so totally exhausted, but at the same time, I’ve never felt so alive.
My eyes can barely stay open, and I know I’ll be paying for pulling this all-nighter for days to come, but as I turn the canvas around and look at it one more time, I know it was all worth it.
It’s everything he’s making me feel, exposed and raw on the surface in front of me.
I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, but never anything that’s come close to this.
I can’t tell if this is what it always feels like when you meet someone you like, or if this is something more than that… I’m too inexperienced to know.
My gut tells me it’s more – that this is so much more than some crush, but I’m scared to say it out loud, I’m scared to do anything that might jinx it. The last thing I want is to tar this with my usual bad luck brush.
I want this to be real.
I remember the way Lucy was when she met Emmett, I’d never seen her so smitten. She fell in love with that man the moment she met him, and she still loves him just as fiercely now.
I’ve never given much thought to the concept of soul mates before, but when I look at the two of them, it’s a hard notion to deny.
I’ve wondered for a long time if I’d ever find love. I know it’s worried my mum a lot too.
I guess as a parent, you sort of just assume that one day your children will find someone to cherish them. Most parents probably just hope that when their future son or daughter-in-law is chosen, that they’re a good person.
My mum’s worries run a little deeper… as do mine.
There are all the normal considerations, like personality, looks and chemistry, but I’ve got the added pressure of finding someone who is equally as considerate as they are good looking, and as accepting as they are funny.
Not everyone out there has it in them to love those of us who aren’t quite ‘normal’, and finding someone who loves me, despite the state of my heart, was never going to be a simple task.
I think of myself as a bit of a hazard.
Loving me carries so much risk. I read a book when I was younger, and the main girl talks about herself and her illness as being like a grenade – that one day she’ll blow up and that everyone in her life will be casualties.
I feel that on a deep level. That’s the reality of my life a lot of the time. I can’t fathom that the value of knowing me is worth the risk of the fallout from losing me.
Mum, Dad, Charlie and Auggie, they don’t really have an option… you can’t choose your family, and they’re stuck with me whether they like it or not.
Lucy though… she’s here by choice. Nobody tells Lucy what to do – and believe me, I’ve tried. She’s as stubborn as an old goat and there’s no way she’s going anywhere.
She really is the best friend a girl could ask for.
And then there’s Rylan… I know we’ve only been on two dates, but it feels like so much more than that.
We share a connection.
I know I’m going to have to tell him soon… and when I do, he’ll probably flee. Any sane person probably would.
I hope for his sake that he does.
I can already tell he’s an incredible man. He’s got so much going for him, and his future shines so bright it’s like looking directly into the sun.
He deserves someone who can give him so much more than I can.
A family, good health, time…
None of those things are promised to me.
Not one doctor has been able to tell me what my future holds.
There’s statistics and averages, possibilities and chances, but none of those things are guaranteed and they’re certainly not certain.
All I can do is hope for the best.
I guess I’m one of the lucky ones when I think about it.
I lasted twenty-one years before my heart really tried to kick the bucket, and it took less than a year to find a new heart for me – which, in the scheme of things, isn’t all that long.
I’ve made it three years past transplant now, and the chances of my body rejecting the organ are significantly reduced.
There’s a long list of risks and problems that can arise from having a heart transplant, but so far, I’ve got by okay – a couple of infections my body had trouble fighting off, a little bit of emotional trauma, and one significant hospital stay… but all in all, it’s been pretty uneventful in comparison to the year that preceded my transplant.
I don’t know how long this heart will last me, or whether it might just give up on me one day… I don’t know if I’ll need another transplant or if medical science will evolve to the point where there’s another option.
It’s all the unknown. My whole life is one big unknown.
Rylan has everything going for him. He’s smart, attractive, kind and funny – he’s a doctor for crying out loud.
He could have any woman he wanted.
I know that worrying about this is probably totally unnecessary, but I can’t seem to help it – maybe I did inherit some personality traits from my mother after all.
I know that Rylan might decide to wake up tomorrow and never contact me again. Rationally, I understand that, but I’ve got my hopes up and for someone who has spent her whole life not getting her hopes up, this is a big deal for me.
It’s clear there’s only one thing for it.
I have to tell him.
I need to make sure he’s fully informed about me and my life before I let myself or him get anymore invested.
Sometimes the only way to move forward is by going back.
“I’m going to tell him.”
Lucy looks up from her lunch in surprise. “What? Already?”
I stare at her in confusion. I could have sworn this was the same Lucy that was telling me I shouldn’t keep it a secret any longer.
“I thought you wanted me to tell him?”
“I do,” she blurts out quickly. “I totally think you should tell him. I’m just surprised that you’re agreeing to it so early in the piece... that’s all.”
“I mean… I dunno… I think he needs to know.” I shrug.
She narrows her eyes at me as she sets her knife down, and now I know I’m in for it. Lucy – especially a pregnant Lucy, doesn’t let anything come between her and her food. I watched Emmett attempt to take a French fry off her plate the other day and he was lucky to make it out of there without her fork stabbed into his arm.
“What do you mean by that?”
I avoid her stare and push my own food around my plate.
“Violet…” she warns me when I don’t answer.
“I just think he should know what he’s getting himself into, okay? I’m damaged goods, and I’d hate for him to start to like me and then change his mind once he found out. I’d rather it happen before then.”
I’m looking right at her now so I don’t miss the softening of her eyes.
“Oh, Letty… that’s not going to happen…”
“You don’t know that.”
She goes to repeat her statement of denial again but stops herself. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t know, but I do know that he’s a good man, a really good man… and a doctor – a little bit of a heart defect shouldn’t be able to scare him off.”
I can’t help but laugh at Lucy’s downplaying of my condition. I know she’s not being serious and I also know she’s achieved exactly what she set out to do – she’s made me smile.
“Please don’t write him off just yet, let him be the one who decides to stay or go – don’t make that choice for him.”
She’s right. I’m doing what has become habit for me – I’m expecting the worst.
Maybe just this once I should try hoping for the best instead and see what comes of it.
I’m staring at my plate, quietly contemplating what to do when she speaks again.
“You really like him then?”
Once again, she’s hit the nail on the head.
Telling him is as much about me as it is about him.
Yes, I want him to know the whole truth, so he can make his own choices, but I also want him to know so that I can limit the damage to my own heart if he walks away. I’m aware that I’m getting invested in him already, and I don’t want to catch any more feelings if he’s just going to leave me.
“I’ve never felt this way, Luce. I’m really scared.”
She reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “It’s good to be scared sometimes… it means you’re alive.”
I like that she doesn’t try to dig for more information, I know that she will, but for now she knows I need the support of my best friend, not the full Spanish Inquisition.
“I’ve got a good feeling about him, Violet.”
I’ve got lots of feelings about him too – but that doesn’t help my nerves in the slightest, in fact if anything, I think it makes it worse.