Violet
“That’s it… that’s the whole story.” My voice has wound up being so quiet I’m not sure she will have caught everything I said, but when I look up it’s obvious she understands exactly what I’ve told her.
I didn’t come over here with the intention to spill my guts to Lucy like this, but when beautiful little Harper fell asleep in my arms, the story had just flowed from me for some reason.
I’m still not entirely sure why I never told Lucy about what happened to me – and as strange as it was to have a secret from her all these years, in a way I’m glad I did.
Auggie might have known this whole time, but it was all just a dream until Rylan turned up. Now that he’s here and we’re together, it really has developed into one hell of a story.
“So I can’t take credit for you two after all?” She pouts, and I laugh.
Of course that would be her first response.
Luce is so proud of herself for setting us up; her and Emmett haven’t stopped gloating about it since we became an official couple.
I am incredibly grateful to them both, and I don’t want to burst her bubble, but I think she was just a pawn in something much bigger than any of us.
“I hate to break it to you, but I think I saw him first.”
I’m surprised she isn’t bombarding me with questions and demanding answers, but right now she seems to just be absorbing everything I’ve told her.
I can’t blame her for needing a minute to process, it’s taken me a long time to get my head around, and I’m the one who experienced it.
I wouldn’t fault Lucy if she didn’t believe me at all – it’s a pretty surreal and farfetched tale, but she always has been a bit more spiritual than me, so she’s likely to deem the whole thing as destiny.
“I think I felt it, you know? The first moment I met him, it was you that popped into my head. In my brain at least, the two of you have always been connected.”
It makes me happy that she thinks of the two of us like that.
I’ve thought a lot about it lately – how we’re all intertwined with one another’s stories. Lucy and I, Lucy and Emmett, Rylan and I, Emmett and Rylan, Emmett and I… all three of these people are responsible in their own way for saving my life – for keeping me alive both emotionally and physically.
I may have been dealt a really shitty health hand over the years, but I’ve been handed an absolute winning combination when it comes to company, love and relationships, and if I think about it, I’m not sure I’d trade one for the other.
I’d rather experience the struggles I have and be around these incredible people, than have a perfect bill of health with no one of any significance to share it with.
“I’m so glad you found him, Letty – even if it wasn’t because of my match making skills – you deserve to be happy.”
I’ve got goose bumps on my arms and legs still – it happens every time I think about what I saw in my vision.
“You know, I pictured him in my sleep every night for years… but I don’t have to dream anymore, Luce, I can just roll over and he’s there. It’s surreal – my whole life feels like a dream now.”
“That must be the weirdest thing.”
“I have to keep convincing myself that it is real…”
“It’s real.” She smiles sadly at me and I know it’s because she understands why I’m always waiting for it all to go wrong – that’s the way it’s been my whole life. “He’s not going anywhere, I’ve seen the way he looks at you – he might be willing to fight for you even harder than I have.”
I can’t imagine anyone other than my mum and dad fighting harder for me than Lucy has, but when I picture Rylan in my mind, I can’t help but consider that maybe he might be the strongest fighter of all.
Rylan is still out in the garage working with Emmett – he’s helping him build a set of shelves for Harper’s room and while they’re out there throwing around their testosterone and man skills, I’m getting my baby fix.
“She’s seriously so cute, how do you get anything done? I just want to stare at her all day.” I swoon.
“Why do you think my washing pile is so huge?” Lucy grumbles half-heartedly.
She’s not joking either – I do at least two loads every time I come over and it barely makes a dent in the huge mountain.
Harper is still sleeping peacefully in my arms and she’s just so unbelievably beautiful. It’s hard to believe she’s real – until she’s exercising the strong set of lungs she’s got on her anyway.
I run my finger lightly over her cheek and smile at her total perfection.
I hear the click of a camera. I look up and Lucy is smiling at the picture she’s just captured of me and her little girl.
I scowl at her, photos have never really been my favourite thing, but I don’t bother complaining, it would only fall on deaf ears.
“It suits you, Letty.” She looks between her daughter and me.
A lump forms in my throat the instant the words leave her mouth and I have to fight to swallow it down.
I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional about it, but all of a sudden, I can feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes.
The fact that I’ll never have my own baby isn’t a new revelation; in fact, it’s something I’ve thought about a lot over the years. Especially lately, after I’ve spent time with my goddaughter – it’s a topic that’s been pretty front and centre in my mind.
It’s not that I want a baby right now, because I don’t – not yet… but one day I would have loved to be a mother.
I know there are other options like adoption and surrogacy, but I also realise that those are easy things to talk about, but unfortunately not so easy to make happen. They’re expensive and time consuming, and even then, there’s no guarantee.
“I’m not sure it’s on the cards for me.”
“You saw a baby, Vi.”
“That doesn’t mean it’ll happen.”
I’m aware that I saw Rylan, and I got him – but that doesn’t mean this will work the same way.
A baby is in no way promised to me because of something I conjured up in my mind in a near-death experience.
I’ve been given so much; I know it’s not fair of me to expect anything more. I already owe so much more than I’m owed in return.
“Violet,” says the voice I’d recognise even in my sleep.
I had no idea Rylan was listening to us, so when he speaks it startles me.
He steps into the room and the sight of his intense stare on my face takes my breath away.
“If you want a baby, I’ll do anything I can to make it a reality for us.”
He crouches down next to me and wraps his arms around my body. It makes me feel safe and while he’s right here, holding me close, I believe what he’s telling me.
He rests his forehead against mine and glances down at the precious little girl in my arms.
“I can’t promise you a baby, but I can promise you we’ll try every option there is, if that’s what you want, okay?”
I know he means it – babies and reproductive organs are literally his speciality, but I can’t allow myself to get my hopes up where this is concerned.
“And if it doesn’t happen?” My voice cracks.
“If it doesn’t happen then we’ll get through it together. I don’t know how many times I have to say this before you’ll believe me, but you are all I need.”
I do believe him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilt or worry over it.
I know I’m enough for him, and he’s enough for me too.
I do want a baby one day, I want one so badly, but deep down I know that he’s enough.
We’ve got each other and that’ll always be everything I need, but I can’t help but wish that it wasn’t another sacrifice he has to make because he’s fallen in love with a broken woman.