Violet
There’s not a lot of things I’ve allowed myself to have in the past twenty-five years.
There’s my passion for painting and there’s my friendship with Lucy, but outside of my favourite hobby and my best friend, I’ve made a real effort not to take anything more from the universe – in a lot of ways I feel like I’ve already taken enough.
I know I’m not responsible for the loss of a life, but I benefited from one and it often feels like the same thing.
So I try not to take. Instead I do my best to give.
But now, here in this moment, as I see the deep, unwavering love in his eyes, I know I have to allow myself this.
I have to allow myself him.
I’m entitled to live and love, just like everyone else is, and I have to give this everything I have, even though I know I’m going to receive so much more back in return.
Rylan is here in front of me, figuratively naked, baring his soul to me.
He sees me. The real me.
My borrowed heart is so tangled up with his, it’s like they’re one and the same – that it seems like they’re beating together.
It’s just the two of us and Bear in my big house, but I’ve never felt less alone. He’s everywhere I look. I can feel him all around me and I can smell his scent in the air.
He lets go of me and tugs his t-shirt slowly over his head. The sight is so perfect it seems too good to be true. His golden skin stretches flawlessly over his tight, toned muscles and there’s not a mark out of place.
My head is screaming at me that he’s too good for me – that I couldn’t possibly deserve someone this faultless, but the look in his eyes quietens my silent objection.
He reaches for my hand and ever so slowly lifts it to the spot on his chest where I can feel his heart beating. My hand rests there as he mirrors the action, placing his own hand over my heart.
I can feel the steady thrum of his heart and know that he’s experiencing the same.
I fill my lungs deeply and as I release my breath, I let my hand wander over his chest and across the grooves of his abdomen. I feel him shudder under my touch and I revel in the reaction I’ve evoked.
“Violet,” he whispers as he dips his head and his mouth briefly comes into contact with mine.
There have been plenty of times when I’ve felt nervous in my life; I can think of half a dozen that spring to mind in an instant, and they’re all to do with my heart.
This is too, but not in the same way.
This is something new.
This is about what my heart wants, not what it needs for once, and all that my heart wants in this moment, is him.
“I’ve never done this before,” I whisper back as he places soft kisses along my collar bone.
He pauses and looks up at me. “Never?”
He doesn’t seem shocked – maybe a bit surprised, like perhaps I’ve just confirmed a lucky guess.
I shake my head no.
No one has ever wanted me the way Rylan does. No man has ever got to know the real me like he has.
“I’m broken goods.”
I’m embarrassed that I’m still a virgin at twenty-five years old, but there’s also a small part of me that’s glad, I may not have known I was saving myself for him, but it sure feels that way now.
I can’t think of a better man to share this first with.
“We’re all a little bit damaged, Violet.” He looks right into my eyes as he speaks.
I like that he doesn’t argue with me about it, or try to deny the obvious.
This is one of the things I love the most about him, he doesn’t lie to me and he doesn’t try to make me feel better by filling me up with untruths. He simply reminds me that I’m not alone – that we all have our flaws, we all have a story… he reminds me to forget the rest.
He kisses me on the skin just below my ear and the sensation is so sharp it feels like broken glass.
I’ve never been kissed like this before.
He wants me, in all the ways a man wants a woman. It’s pure desire and primal instincts that are driving him to me.
I want this so badly I can hardly think straight, but I’m still afraid of what he’ll think when he sees every part of me. I feel like the shy little girl in the changing rooms at school all over again.
My scars aren’t red and angry looking like they once were, they’ve healed and faded somewhat, but for him – seeing them for the first time, it’s bound to be a shock.
He tugs on the hem of my shirt, pulling it from the band of the denim shorts I’m wearing.
“Leave it on.” I can’t stop myself whispering.
It’s my shield – my last line of defence, and if he takes that away, he’ll never be able to unsee what’s beneath it.
He pauses and lets go of the fabric before tipping my chin up so I’m looking right at him.
“You can’t hide from me.”
“But—”
He shakes his head. “There is nothing you need to hide from me, Violet, I see you.”
He’s right… I know he’s right. I want this with him and I know I can’t stay hidden forever – not if I want this to work, and I do… more than I want anything else.
I nod, just one small movement.
Ever so slowly he reaches for my shirt again and one by one unfastens the buttons until it’s hanging open in the front.
His eyes are no longer on my face, but on my body now, and the weight of his stare threatens to make my knees buckle.
His strong hands slide the fabric off my shoulders and I watch as it falls to the floor and lands at my feet.
I’ve never felt this entirely exposed to a person. I know full well I have been – rooms full of doctors have looked at my body in far less than what I’m wearing now, but this is different.
He’s not a professional who is looking at me as a patient.
He’s just a man who is looking at me as a woman.
I gasp as his fingers run ever so gently over my scar.
“This is what you were worried about?” His voice is raw, it sounds like sandpaper.
I nod – I can’t speak. It’s taking everything I have just to breathe as he exposes more of my secrets one by one.
“You really think I’d scare that easily?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer; instead he leans in and kisses my collar bone again, before moving lower and kissing the very spot where the heart I was born with vacated my body.
“Let me help put you back together, Violet.”
They’re the exact words I need to hear in this moment.
I almost feel stupid for worrying the way I did. I should have known that he wouldn’t run… that he wouldn’t care about something as superficial as the marks on my skin.
“Rylan,” I whisper.
“I’ll never leave,” he whispers back and I feel his lips move against me. “I might need you to put me back together too.”
He hears my unspoken fears and soothes them instantly.
I run my hand down his bare front until I reach the waistband of his jeans.
I’m scared, so scared, I think I might be more afraid of doing this than I’ve ever been of anything that came before it, but I take that leap, because it’s not just some guy in front of me.
It’s Rylan.
I love him, and he loves me back – every last broken bit of me.