“What the fuck is up with this lock?” Landon grumbled, struggling with the door to Amie's Jeep. It had been giving him problems all day, and as if that wasn't bad enough, the air conditioning had broken down somewhere in Bangkok. A three hour ride in the stifling heat hadn't done anything to improve his mood.

“I told you, you need to be gentle,” Amie teased, then next thing he knew, she was stretching across his lap and fiddling with the handle. “Sometimes all you need is a woman's touch.”

“Or you could just fucking get it fixed,” he suggested.

“Gee, Dr. Edenhoff, hadn't thought – oh!”

The startled exclamation happened after her hand slipped off the gear shift. She face planted in his lap and he rolled his eyes. Games weren't his style, if someone wanted to fuck, he'd prefer they just have the balls to say it.

Tori would never pull shit like this.

“Jesus,” he grunted as she squashed his nuts while she propped herself up.

“I am so sorry,” she was laughing while she used her free hand to push her hair out of her face.

“And not exactly subtle,” he commented, wrapping an arm around her and trying to lift some of her weight off his testicles.

“Oh my god!” she gasped. “I didn't ... did I just? I'm so embarrassed.”

“It's fine, it's whatever, but I'm not -”

“It's just,” she interrupted him with a sigh. “Ever since you got here, I've felt this ... connection. I feel like you've been through a lot, and so have I, and maybe we should explore all that together.”

“Uh huh,” he said. “And by 'explore' you mean 'fuck', correct?”

“I love a man who cuts to the point.”

Her little hand-in-crotch move had caught him off guard, but when she kissed him, it really stunned him. For just a moment, he was lost, and he held still. Two weeks ago and he would've already had her over the gear shift, straddling his lap. Hell, maybe even a week ago. But now? Now all he could think about was how he would feel if he witnessed this exact moment happening between Tori and Max-the-nurse.

I would fucking kill both of them.

“No,” he stated after he'd yanked her away. She fell awkwardly back into her seat.

“What's wrong?” she asked, glancing around.

“Nothing. You're ... very fuckable, I promise,” he grumbled, running his hand down his face. She gave an indignant snort, but he kept going. “But you seem to have forgotten I'm kind of here with somebody.”

“That chick? Your assistant?” she seemed surprised.

“Yeah, my 'assistant' who also happens to be even more fuckable than you. Good night, Amie.”

He climbed out of the Jeep but before he could shut the door, she was leaning back across the seats and grabbing his arm.

“Look, I'm sorry. I've been here for over a year now, we don't see a lot of new people. Let's not make it weird, okay?” she asked. He scowled for a moment, then nodded and shook loose from her.

“I totally get it, but next time, find someone else to drag across the country,” he suggested. She looked chastised, but she nodded her head.

“I'm sorry for wasting your time, doctor.”

He shut the door and she drove off, leaving him standing under a flood light. He stared at his tent, at his and Tori's “home”, and thought about what had just happened. He'd just turned down free sex. New pussy. An easy lay. Where was Landon Edenhoff, and what had Tori done with him!?

Fuuuuuck, I have to tell her what happened, and she's gonna be a fucking girl about it, and FUCK.

With a sigh, he trudged across the ground and made his way into the tent. He was a little surprised at first to see Tori asleep in bed, then he glanced at his watch and frowned. It was almost eleven, he hadn't realized the time at all. Amie had taken her sweet fucking time driving home, probably hoping he'd suggest pulling off the road somewhere to hop into the back seat.

He tied shut the tent flaps, then kicked off his shoes and took off his dress shirt before sitting down on the edge of the bed. He took out his cigarettes and while he was patting around for his lighter, he realized there were candles lit. He glanced up and down the space, seeing six flickering flames. They'd been there for five days and had settled into somewhat of a routine. Whoever came home and passed out first would douse all the candles – better to leave a dark room for the second person than to burn the whole place down.

If the candles are lit, then she was just awake. Meaning she's probably not asleep. Fuck.

“Tor,” he barked her name out around his cigarette. There was no response, so he glanced over his shoulder. Saw that she was still wearing her shoes. “I know you're awake.”

“I'm tired,” she replied in a husky voice.

“Me, too. Get up.”

She didn't argue. Didn't ask what was going on. Just slowly pushed herself upright and swung her legs off her side of the bed. They were sitting back to back, the tension suddenly so thick between them, he could taste it.

“It's been a long day, Landon,” she sighed. “Can we do this tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow will be a long day, too,” he pointed out. “And the day after that. And then your week is up and you go home.”

“And then I go home,” she repeated in a soft voice. He frowned and pulled his unlit cigarette out of his mouth. Rolled it between his fingers for a second before tossing it onto the desk.

“You want to go home?” he checked, turning his head to the side. All he could see was her hair, still swept up into a bun on top of her head, but looking neater than it had earlier.

“I don't think I was cut out for this,” she finally answered.

“Could've fooled me, because you've been kicking ass at volunteering.”

There was another long pause.

“I wasn't talking about volunteering.”

These were the moments Landon hated. Why he didn't date or get close to people. A Talk was always lurking just around the corner. Something else he'd fucked up, or something stupid they'd done, and they'd have to talk about it, and fight about it, and cry over it. It would end with him yelling and her crying and suddenly they'd be right back where they were three weeks ago – basically strangers. What was the point of it all, why even bother in the first place?

Being alone is so much easier because then I don't have to be good enough for anybody. It's so much work being a good guy.

“Stand up,” he snapped, surging to his feet and going around the bed. He didn't give her a chance to comply, just grabbed her arm and hauled her to her feet.

“What are you doing?” she demanded as she was dragged into the center of the tent, the only place where he could stand to his full height.

“We're gonna get this over with right now,” he stated, folding his arms across his chest.

“Get what over with?”

“This,” he stressed, gesturing between them. “Whatever bullshit you're upset about, whatever bullshit I did. Call me some names so I can call you some names so you can threaten to walk out so I can stop you so we can get to the make up sex.”

Tori's eyes flared open wide and he was pretty sure actual steam came out of her ears.

Hmmm, maybe too blunt ...

“Bullshit!?” she yelled. “Bullshit is me fucking worrying all goddamn night about you, texting you, hearing nothing from you, and then the first thing I see when you get back? Big Red sticking her fucking tongue down into your GI tract!”

“I knew you weren't sleeping,” he groaned. “And that's all exactly what I said – bullshit.”

“You treat me like an after thought. Like I'm here for your fucking amusement. And you wanna know why? Because you're a pussy. Always have been. You're scared to actually admit you like me, because if you admit you like me, then you also have to admit you could possibly lose me. Why are you so scared of everything!?” she demanded.

“You think I'm scared? Tori, I spend all day in a hospital full of diseased people. I threatened a drug dealer last week. I'm not scared of anything,” he spat back.

“Okay, fine, you go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to help you sleep at night. Oh wait, you don't sleep at night. How could you do something like that? After everything we've been through together? I haven't asked for anything from you, but I did expect at least a little respect,” she told him.

I do respect you, and I do like you, and I can't sleep at night because I'm terrified that if I do, I'll wake up and you'll be gone and this will have all been a dream.

Landon took a deep, deep breath and pulled out his cigarettes.

“You're right,” he said in a low voice. “We haven't asked for anything from each other, so we don't owe anything, either.”

“That's all you have to say?” she squeaked out, her eyes wide and glassy as she stared at him while he lit up.

“I don't have to say anything else.”

He'd barely puffed out a cloud of smoke before she let out a disgruntled growl, startling him. Then she had her hands on his undershirt, twisting and yanking and shoving him out of the way.

“You're an awful fucking human being, you know that?” she yelled, circling him once before heading towards the exit. “And you were right – you ruin everything. You bitch about your family treating you like the messiah? Well, it's probably because you act like it! Holier than thou, ever suffering, ever worthy of pity. It's actually really kind of sad.”

“Where the fuck do you think you're going?” he asked, moving and standing in her way when she went to walk outside.

“Move,” she commanded, trying to side step him. He kept matching her step for step.

“No. What are you gonna do, hitch hike to Bangkok? Can the theatrics, Tor, we can get you a ride in the morning.”

He said it calmly and casually, but it seemed to have the worst effect of anything he'd said yet.

“Get fucked, Edenhoff,” she swore. “And get the fuck out of my way.”

“No. We're finishing this.”

“We already finished. We never even started. Move.”

“Sweetheart, you walk out the door, and we'll never be finished.”

“God!” she suddenly yelled, her hands going to her head. “I swear, what is wrong with me? Did my ancestors smite yours? What on earth did I do to deserve the Edenhoffs?”

“Hey, don't lump me in with my brother,” he said, taking another drag on his cigarette.

“You're right, how rude of me. How could I possibly even think of lumping you in with someone who's so much better than you.”

Now that was just hitting below the belt.

“Watch what you fucking say right now, Tori. Some things can't be taken back,” he cautioned her, then he blew a stream of smoke into her face. She coughed for a moment, then snatched the cigarette away from him.

“Exactly! Like you can't take back all this time together. You can't act like that just didn't happen. You can't just be with me and then act like it's nothing and kiss some fucking girl right in front of me!” Tori's voice was quickly raising to a shout. “Liam never did those things to me. Would never do those things. So I'll say anything I goddamn want!”

“I didn't kiss her right in front of you!” he shouted back. “I didn't know that was gonna fucking happen – you think I planned that? If you can sit here and in one breath talk about us being something this whole time, and then say I planned that in the next, then you're the fucked up one.”

“Well I wouldn't know, would I? Because you don't say anything!” she shrieked.

Suddenly realizing how loud they were getting, Landon took a couple quick breaths and tried to calm down.

“Fine. I'll say shit. Just calm the fuck down and we can talk.”

“Calm down!? Oh, hell no,” she replied, and he let out a shout when she flicked his burning cigarette back at him. While he danced around, trying to bat it away, she marched past him. “You've had all this time to really talk to me. Time is up. Bye, Landon.”

He was still stamping out the butt when he realized she was untying the tent flaps. By the time he got to her, she was almost outside. She let out a yelp when he simply picked her up from behind and carried her back across the room.

“Where the fuck do you think you're going? It's the middle of the night in Thailand!” he snapped.

“Why do you care? You've been gone for over twelve hours, I could've been doing anything this whole time, and you didn't care,” she snarled, struggling with his hold.

Something about her statement made his blood run cold.

“Anything, huh?” he grunted, then he dropped her so abruptly, she stumbled forward.

“That gets your attention? You can go off fucking Ms. Volunteer-of-the-Year for the whole day, but I should just sit here waiting for you, twiddling my thumbs?” she asked. He narrowed his eyes.

“I didn't fuck her,” he corrected her assumption. “I didn't even kiss her. But what have you been up to, hmmm?”

“Oh, you know, just humping anything that moves,” she said, then she picked up a pillow and threw it at him. “Don't want to be out-slutted by the current reigning slut! I mean, it's all I'm good at, right!? Might as well put it to use! Don't fucking touch me!”

The last shout came when he grabbed for her arm. She tried to pull free, but he was too much stronger than her, and so much angrier.

“You wanna know why I didn't text?” he shouted in her face. “Why I didn't call, or even tell you I was leaving?”

“I know why! Because you don't care,” she snapped, yanking at his grip.

“Because I care too much,” he hissed. “And I see you with dipshits like that Max guy, and I wanna fucking cave his head in because I know he's so much better for you than I am.”

“So because you're jealous and throwing a pity party for yourself – again – you think it's okay to just ignore me and make out with some chick? Jesus, Landon, you know what you need? You need someone to treat you the way you treat other people,” she threatened. “How about I disappear for a day, then you can walk in on me blowing 'that Max guy', how does that sound? Sound fair? Would we be even stevens then?”

“You wanna go blow him? Be my guest. But don't compare some desperate bitch shoving her uninvited tongue down my throat to you being a slut.”

She walked past him again, and Landon knew she wasn't going to go do anything stupid. Maybe stomp around the camp. Maybe go to the women's group tent, crash with some of her new acquaintances. He didn't really think she was off to suck some random dude's dick.

But just the idea of it set his blood on fire and he grabbed her again. He yanked back on her arm, causing her to stumble off her feet and crash into the small table.

“What do you think you're doing!?” she demanded, clearly startled by his actions.

“You can't leave,” he spoke quickly.

“Like fuck I can't,” she snarled. “You can't keep me here, I'm not a prisoner.”

“You want me to talk? You want me to tell you what I'm feeling?” he shouted.

“No, because I don't care, because you don't feel anything.”

“I feel like I can't breathe,” he hissed, putting his hands flat on the table on either side of her hips.

“What?” she asked, his statement obviously catching her off guard.

“When I think about you and how I feel about you, it's like I can't breathe. I can feel you every moment of every day, all over my skin, and it's amazing, and I never want it to end, but I know it's going to end, because I'm going to ruin it at some point, and then I'll lose you, and I can't fucking handle that. So I can't breathe.”

She was beyond caught off guard – Tori looked completely stunned. He couldn't read her reaction, and that almost terrified him more than anything else. Scowling, he started to turn away from her. He'd had enough of embarrassing himself for one night. But Tori grabbed his arm and forced him to face her again.

“That's how you feel?” she whispered, staring at him with wide eyes. “I ... I had no idea.”

“You want me to take out an ad in the paper? You want me to be this certain kind of guy, Tori, and I'm just not. I'm not gonna get you fucking flowers and read you a sonnet or some shit. The only things I know how to do are save lives and be an asshole. Love is completely foreign.”

Love? Who said anything about love? Where did that word come from?

But it was out now, dropping like a bomb between them. Tori's jaw dropped and Landon was pretty sure he immediately went into shock. This whole time, he'd been warning her to not fall for him. He should've been the one to watch what he was doing.

“Landon, I -” she started speaking in a soft, low voice. He couldn't stand it.

“Oh, fuck off, don't fucking baby me now. I'm not asking you to feel the same way, or -”

Tori yanked him close, effectively shutting him up as she hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and they held each other tightly for a long time, then she started to lay back on the table top, forcing him to follow her. Soon enough, they were stretched across the hard surface, Landon resting all his weight on her.

“You didn't ask me,” she whispered. “But I do. I feel the same way, Landon. That's why it hurt so much to see that girl kissing you. Because I feel like you're mine.”

“We shouldn't be like this, Tori. I'm awful,” he breathed. “I do awful things. You shouldn't like me. Please, don't like me.”

“You're not awful,” she insisted. He nodded without lifting his head from her chest.

“I am. I'll never be like other people. I'll never be good enough for you. I'll never be like my brother.”

There was a long pause. She was combing her fingers through his hair, almost absent mindedly. Then he heard a low chuckle through her chest and felt her kiss the top of his head.

“I hope you're always this way,” she whispered. “The good, the bad, and the completely fucking awful. Because if you weren't, then I wouldn't be here, and this amazing thing wouldn't be happening between us.”

“Amazing,” he echoed. “We're amazing. You're amazing. How did you do this to me?”

“I don't know. I didn't try at all.”

He squeezed her tighter – as tight as he possibly could. He could hear the breath rushing out of her body, could feel her fingernails digging into his shoulders.

“I just wanted to use you,” he told her. “I never wanted to fall for you. I wouldn't have thought it possible.”

“You and me both,” she chuckled again.

“When we go home, are you going to tell Liam about you and me?”

“Do you want me to keep it a secret?”

“I want you to do whatever you feel comfortable with,” he lied.

“Then I'd be telling him right now, but it might be awkward, trying to have a conversation over the phone while you're laying on top of me,” she teased, her voice full of sass.

“Your friends ...” he searched for the right words. “They'll think I'm taking advantage of you. That I'm just sleeping with you because you like him.”

“Liked,” she corrected his tense. “And since when did you ever give a fuck about what anybody thought about you?”

Since I realized I could never let you go, that's when.

They stayed silent for a long time. He wasn't talkative by nature – Liam had inherited that particular personality trait. Landon liked it that Tori allowed him his silences and wasn't forever trying to get him to speak. He also liked that when he did decide to open his mouth, he felt like he could tell her anything. Tell her everything. His hopes, his dreams.

His fears.

“I don't want to lose this,” he whispered.

“You won't,” she whispered back, her lips brushing his forehead.

“I'll fuck it up.”

“I won't let you.”

“You don't know me.”

“I know you well enough to take a chance on you.”

“Why?”

“Because ...” now it was her turn to look for words. “You saw the bad in me, and the pathetic, and the sad and the lonely and all the horrible, and you didn't care. You didn't try to fix me or save me or change me. You just saw everything and decided to bring me on an adventure. Decided to give me a break. That makes you a good person, and that's how I know you're worth all the chances.”

Landon swallowed thickly and squeezed his eyes shut tight. Knew he should tell her the truth. Say it right now, so it wouldn't come back to haunt him later. But the moment was so perfect – almost as perfect as the woman in his arms. For once, he didn't want to ruin anything. He wanted to stay just like they were and listen to her heart beat for him. Wanted to let her heal some of the damage he'd done to himself over the years.

I can't ruin this. If I do, then I'm beyond saving.

“I wanted excitement,” he said. “That's why I came to Bali. That's why I came here. I didn't realize I could've found it next door to me if I'd bothered looking.”

“Now you're being ridiculous,” she laughed loudly. “I'm not that exciting.”

“No, you're better. You're an explosion. Blew my whole world apart.”

She didn't respond. Didn't try to analyze what he said or pull it apart or deny it or laugh at it. She just sat still for a long moment, then she pressed her hands against his face and lifted it so she could kiss him.

And just like that, I'm in a million pieces. Where's this girl been all my life?

*

TORI WOKE UP WITH A start and propped herself up, glancing around. Only two candles were still burning, and they were little more than puddles of wax on top of the filing cabinet. She hissed and hurried out of bed so she could blow them out. Thank god they hadn't burnt the place down.

She had to make her way back to the cot by feel, but by the time she was stretching out on her side, her eyes had adjusted to the dimness. It wasn't completely dark – the hospital tent was running round the clock, massive orange flood flights surrounded it, and the ambient glow crept into every corner of the camp. Soon enough, she could see Landon's features.

He was laying on his back, his right arm stretched up and curving around his head. It exposed his whole side to her and she let her eyes wander over the delicate script he had inked into his skin.

She reached out to touch it. To trace her fingertips over the words and his skin, but just before she made contact, she stopped and gasped. Pushed herself up onto her elbow so she could look down into his face. She couldn't believe it.

He was sleeping.

She'd seen Landon doze, had witnessed him nodding off on several occasions, but she'd never actually seen him sleep. Now he looked completely conked out. He was looking away from her and seemed to be scowling at something in his dreams. His lips were slightly parted, as if he were about to speak, but his teeth were clenched together tightly. His other hand was on his stomach and she realized his fingers were gripping the sheet at his waist.

She didn't want to wake him up, but she also didn't want his first real sleep in a long time to be marred by a nightmare. So she very slowly smoothed her hand over the top of his, spreading her fingers wide. She rubbed back and forth for a second, till she felt his fingers unclenching. When they relaxed completely and his brow had unfurrowed, she scooted in close, gently pressing herself to his side.

“What have I gotten myself into?” she breathed as she laid her cheek on his chest.

The man was trouble. Always would be. He was vice and sin wrapped into a ridiculously sexy package, with a healthy sprinkling of damaged-dickhead on top. He was better looking than she was, smarter than she was, meaner than she was – so many things she could never be, and would never want to be, either. He was so unlike his brother, in almost every way possible.

Yet ... they'd had some beautiful moments, and not just that night. Throughout the whole trip, there were gems to be tucked away and kept in her memory forever. Stupid man, she didn't want him to be like Liam. She wanted Landon to always be himself, in all his fucked up glory, because he was amazing. A force to be reckoned with, like a hurricane or a tornado.

Or an explosion ...

“I'm not brave enough to say I love you yet,” she whispered into the darkness. “But I really, really like you, Dr. Edenhoff.”

She held still when he shifted under her, afraid she'd woken him up. But after a moment he let out a deep breath which was more than half snore and turned his head towards her. She could feel him breathing against her hair and she sighed.

I really, really like you, and I think falling in love with you would be very, very easy. Please, please, don't ruin it Landon.